Rae couldn’t storm out then and there, not while Duke Ashem could still be nearby. The Shana told the maids to brew some chamomile tea, and Bejuk tried his best to change the atmosphere.
“Why aren’t the Shali here?”
“I was worried about them staying here, after what happened to Jiwat. So they’ve been staying at my father’s residence,” the Shana said.
“And how about your brother? Should I have someone go notify him?”
“There’s no need. He’s returned from the hunting lodge, so father will probably tell him soon enough,”
At the mention of Ven, Rae’s spirits sunk even lower. Ashem was probably long gone by now… Probably telling Ven to never speak to Rae again…
“I’ll be going now,” Rae said, “I apologise for my outburst,”
The Shana didn’t say anything but nodded.
“I’d like to meet with you later,” Bejuk said.
Rae gathered his courage and looked each person in the eyes as he bid farewell. Most of them were looking at him with a mix of wary exhaustion and pity. When he glanced at Sebi, Rae paused.
The look on Sebi’s face was like a shaman studying the oracle stones. Brows knitted, pale eyes gleaming, hair like mist… He looked even more bizarrely beautiful than ever before.
Rae ducked out of the Shana’s palace, slipping down the passage to the backwoods. If he saw anyone who knew him, he would blow up all over again.
The backwoods had been cleared of all evidence of the day’s previous excitement. His mother’s grave, bathed in waning light, was as lonely as Rae had ever seen it. He stood before it for a few minutes, the evening breeze on his back as he considered the numb agony in his chest. The red wildflowers were at their peak and bending under the weight of their blooms.
Tears pricked in his eyes and he rubbed them away.
Sounds carried of the servants rushing around the Shana’s palace. After paying his respects to his mother, Rae wandered further into the woods.
At first, he wandered without aim, his head down; careful not to turn his ankle on the rough terrain. Thorns stung his forearms, and Rae allowed the tears to fall.
Thirteen years ago, he had tried to run away from the palace. At that time, it wasn’t yet clear what his future would hold. But it was becoming clear that the Ashem’s star was rising, and Rae’s presence was an inconvenience.
Seven-year-old Rae ran through these woods, like a doe that had sensed the bowstring being pulled taut.
He ran deeper than he had ever gone before, with the shadows growing long like talons and the air getting sharp with cold. Rae’s tears had long run dry, and a coiling, poisonous sensation was spreading; from his stomach, to his chest, to his fingertips, to his temples.
I hate them.
I hate them.
He climbed over a low stone wall, collapsing under the weight of centuries. The trees were at their thickest here. His foot was bleeding.
Limping a few feet further, Rae came upon a precipice. More than a hundred feet down was the thin white line of a river. He lingered there for a while, imagining falling for endless seconds, his skull cracking on the rocks, before hastily stepping back. Since he had seen the blood-soaked sheets, seen Nukaim’s tiny body turn blue, his thoughts had grown more and more queer and grotesque. But just barely, he’d maintained the innocence of terror.
Rae sat on a boulder, satisfied that he had travelled deep enough that no one would ever find him, and studied the throbbing wound on his foot.
He had stood on a briar thorn and later stubbed his toe. The news that his father was courting Young Lady Laovin had angered him so greatly, that he had stormed out of his chambers without stopping to put on his boots.
He cradled the injury, staring up at the sky. It was cold. But in a satisfying way. The goosebumps on his forearms, the stinging chill, felt vindictive. Even if he froze, it would be better than going back.
After a few minutes, the blood had dried. The stone underneath was cold, but it was flat and clear of thorns and bugs. Rae lay on his back and wondered if anyone had noticed he was gone. After a few minutes, he shut his eyes.
As they always did back then, his dreams carried warping shifting images of his mother and his baby brother. He saw Nukaim take his first steps, and his mother sang them both to sleep. They lived in an ill-defined place, made of the shapes and structures of the palace, but with none of the pomp. It was just the three of them, dancing and running through empty courtyards, playing in the ponds, and lounging uninterrupted on verandas.
My child, my sweet child.
Mama’s voice was like a balm. The cold stone beneath his cheek became soft furs. The smell of blood and damp earth was replaced by a gentle incense.
My child, my poor child.
Warmth. Then Rae was being lifted. He shook with each breath.
“Mama?”
“Shh… my child…”
Suddenly, the cold hit Rae and he started thrashing in the person’s arms.
“-No!”
“Shh. Shh. It’s only me, don’t be afraid,” Nana said.
Rae fought like a demon against the scolding warmth of arms encircling him.
“I won’t go, I won’t go!” he cried, and Nana misunderstood.
“Don’t worry, I won’t let them send you away,” she lied, and Rae started to sob.
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Rae was so overcome by the memories he didn’t notice where he was going. His legs seemed to move on their own through those same terrifying shadows he remembered from his youth.
Soon, he came to a copse of maple trees. His father’s grave stood there, smooth as his mother’s was weather-worn. Set in gold, some thoughtless epitaph was inscribed. Crows wailed overheard, and Rae wanted to scream.
He moved to kick the stone, then decided better of it. He didn’t have the courage to desecrate a grave, but he couldn’t go back to the palace yet either. His cheeks were smeared with tears and his breaths were weak and shuddering. He slumped onto the floor, leaning against the stone. The coolness on his back did little to soothe him.
“Baba, how could you…?” Rae knew the Shak’s spirit had long departed, and he didn’t care to wonder if he would choose to watch over Rae from wherever he had gone, but the question forced itself out of him.
He imagined his father’s answer. Taunting jabs at his mother. Agonising disapproval at the frail, pathetic child grown into a lovesick, cowardly, fool. Before Rae knew it, he was overcome. Great, heaving sobs wracked his body.
I hate him. He hates me. I hate you. You hate me. You hated me. He hated me.
He rocked his body as he cried, once so hard he slammed his head on the stone. He was choking on snot of tears. When he thought of how contemptible he must look, he cried harder.
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Love me. Please. Will somebody ever-
“Your majesty?”
Rae startled. Peaking through the maple leaves was a silver-crowned face. Despite Rae’s pitiful position, Sebi looked at him as impassively as ever.
With nothing else to do, Rae tried to hide his face in his hands. He would have said “Go away!” if the words weren’t catching in his throat whenever he tried.
Sebi didn’t leave, nor did he speak for some time. There was a light thud. Rae looked up to see Sebi sitting in the dirt next to him, knees also drawn up to his chest. He was silently watching Rae, worrying his lip swollen. The sight was so strange, it shocked Rae out of his weeping.
“Did you follow me here?” Rae asked, once his breathing was mostly under control.
“Hmm. I wanted to leave with you, but my Duke still needed my assistance,”
“You wanted to leave with me?”
“Yes,”
Rae looked up at the white sky, framed by pale green maple leaves.
“Why would you want to leave with me?”
“You are upset,”
Rae grunted his agreement. He tried to wipe away the tears on his sleeve, but it was hopeless.
“Here,” Sebi had pulled a snow-white handkerchief from his medicine satchel. The soft cotton was a lot more soothing than his brocaded sleeves.
“Thank you,” Rae said, taking a shuddering breath, and folding the handkerchief into a tiny square, “You’re probably wondering why I’m acting so foolishly,”
“I am wondering, but you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,”
Rae’s laugh threatened to turn into a sob, but he choked it down.
“It’s just… Of course, I’m glad that the Shana and the baby are unharmed… But witnessing all that… It brought back a lot of memories…”
Sebi’s eyes were like diamonds. He didn’t speak, so Rae continued.
“And Ashem bringing up my father… when he was the one who… I shouldn’t be saying this,”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s improper. A son shouldn’t… shouldn’t…”
The guilt that had been gnawing at Rae’s stomach finally reached his throat. He choked on the terrible confession. To hate his own father. To hate the former Shak. And to say so while leaning against the man’s grave. He was bent over by the force of his shame.
“I don’t… I don’t know all the details, but I know your relationship with His Majesty was complicated. It’s not my place to judge,”
“My mother died, and he barely even looked at my little brother after. He didn’t give him a name. It was as if he’d already given up on him. And then, when Nukaim died, he sent me away, and we never spoke again,
“He married that woman. And never thought of me, mama, or Nukaim ever again. Yet, I have to respect him, and honour him, and pretend not to mind that the woman who drove me out is still living in my home,”
At this point, Rae was sobbing again.
“I don’t want to be wicked… I don’t want to curse them… I wish I could… but when I think of Nukaim… when I think…”
“You’re not bad. You’re not evil for being righteously angry. Of course, a dutiful son should try his best to honour his father, but there are extenuating circumstances. You’ve done more than enough,”
Heavens! Rae’s face must have looked hideous. Yet, Sebi was watching him with such a gentle expression. He even laid his cool, delicate fingers over Rae’s own, and squeezed his hand.
Rae steadied his breathing. Guilt was still tearing him apart, but he didn’t want to see such a worried expression any more.
“My first impression of you was very wrong,” he said, wiping his eyes, “I saw your serious expression and thought you were cold-hearted… But you’re actually very kind,”
Sebi flushed scarlet, his eyes flashed with anger, but he stopped himself. He stared at the ground and hid his face as he mumbled something.
“Pardon?”
“Nothing,”
“No no, come on! Tell me,” Rae smiled before adding, “sorry if I hurt your feelings. I was trying to pay you a compliment,”
“Something like this… is expected of a master healer,” Sebi said, dusting off his clothes.
Rae didn’t think that was true. He had seen Duke Bejuk treat broken bones, mix tonics and potions, scold and admonish… but he’d never seen him comfort someone who was crying. Even the thought of him trying… It was absurd.
“You seem like you’ve cheered up,” Sebi said, his face blank.
Rae smiled and was going to thank him properly when a shout echoed through the forest.
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“Komao! Ko-Ko!” Someone shouted.
Rae turned to Sebi, “Komao? Isn’t that-?”
That name was familiar. But he’d met dozens of people since he came to the Shak’s camp. She wasn’t a maid… She was…
“One of the Shali. Yes,” Sebi said.
One of my sisters…
Before they could say anything else, someone burst through the undergrowth and almost fell on top of them.
“What are you doing here?” Ven asked, with a face that asked ‘Why are two adult men sitting on the ground in the middle of a forest?’
Sebi lips formed a thin line, and his face turned even redder than before.
“What about you? Was it you calling for Komao?” Rae asked. He had once seen Sebi get so worked up he threw his satchel at Ven, so he didn’t want to put any more undue stress on his companion.
When Ven had first stumbled upon Sebi and Rae, it had been such a shock that any other emotion was momentarily forgotten. At this question, Ven’s face went a shade paler, his body tenser.
“Komao has vanished,”
Sebi must have seen Rae’s frown because he soon added, “She’s the fourth Shali. Only six years old,”
Ven told them of how his father had come to tell him of the happy news, and they had gone to check on the shali together, only to find the maids all in an uproar.
“They say she just vanished. One minute she was there and the next she was gone,”
“Do you think she sneaked off?” Rae asked, dread pooling in his stomach.
“It’s not unheard of… but with all that’s happened recently…” Ven’s voice was tight with worry, he struggled for a moment, before exclaiming, “You better go back, Bejuk was worried something had happened to you as well,”
Sebi must have agreed because he took Rae’s arm and started guiding him towards the palace. Rae let it happen, leaving Ven’s desolate self behind after asking one last thing.
“What of Zott? He must be beside himself,”
“He’s out here somewhere, he’ll tear the whole forest down if we don’t find her soon,”
“I’ll come join you after I’ve seen Bejuk,”
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A strange atmosphere had fallen over the palace. It wasn’t deserted, Rae and Sebi saw dozens of servants and guards dashing about, but everyone moved like magnets drawn to poles. No hesitation, no discussion, only movement.
As they passed the gate to the Shak’s courtyard, Rae paused.
“You go ahead without me, I want to fetch the letter I received from the fake Shana,”
“It’s not safe to go alone, I’ll accompany you,”
“No. Bejuk is probably tearing his hair out. Please go and set his mind at ease. I won’t be long,”
Sebi hovered for a moment, before obeying. Rae took a moment to consider this stillness that came with solitude.
The courtyard was as peaceful as a tomb, unsettling in its normalcy. The sliding door to his rooms lay half open, and his tea set sat undisturbed. His maids must have forgotten to clear after all the day’s chaos.
His writing desk was locked when not in use, with a key Rae hid among his hair ribbons. He found the key where he normally left it, weighty in his hand and causing a satisfying clunk as the drawer unlocked.
Under new light, everything could be suspicious. But no matter how hard Rae looked, he could see no sign of anything in the desk being out of place. Whoever had broken in had been very meticulous not to disturb anything. The seal was safely in its case.
He took out the false letter and studied it one more time, searching for anything telling in the hand. Once again, his eyes fell on his seal.
Who would dare…
Rae was used to seeing enemies looming in all directions. But at least he had been certain of the allegiances. If not the Ashem, who else would be manipulating things behind the scenes? Who was so unassuming, that they could enter here undetected? Who would dare?
To access this room, one would need to be a trusted servant or a personal friend of the Shak.
To know of the power the Shak’s seal holds, one would need to be a person of consequence. A close associate of the Shak, or one of the Dukes.
To dare to search through Rae’s personal effects, digging right to the bottom of all his draws, one would need absolutely no fear of getting caught.
To neatly tidy his desk once they were finished, so as to be indistinguishable from how Rae normally left it…