“Your mom gives me the chill, Frank,” Jacob commented as soon as he had managed to get Francis out of bed.
“She had that effect on me even before she got the power to fry people with thunders,” Francis nodded.
“Same,” Jacob laughed.
“Jake, just make an effort with her, please. She’s a bit crazy, but all moms are, you know,” Francis was advocating for his mother, trying to make her sound a bit less crazy than she actually was.
And she was a big bag of crazy.
“You have a Soul Contract with Epagogia. Even if she wanted to hurt me, she wouldn’t be able to without frying her own brain. I read the contract; none of you will be able to be a murderer, rapist, or otherwise evil mastermind capable of enslaving humanity.”
“The last part is really a pity,” Francis laughed.
“The rapist one?” Jacob faked some disgust.
“You sick bastard, shut up! I was talking about enslaving humanity! And it was a joke!” Francis kicked Jacob’s calf.
“Ouch! You bastard mine too was a joke!” Jacob was holding his calf and jumping up and down.
“I mean, Jake, people here have been…” Francis didn’t really want to finish the sentence.
“Raped, Frank, they have been raped. And thank God I still consider them people enough to joke about rape. I got 25 rapists executed on the spot, killed with my own hands the sick janitor who had killed and raped Vanessa, probably in this order, Frank. If I can’t crack a rape joke after all of this, who can?”
“Still not cool, Jake,” Francis cringed a bit.
“Never raped anyone, so, I do consider my jokes to be still cool. And if you count all the rapists I killed in my past life, I think I got so many free rape-jokes cards that you wouldn’t even believe it,” Jacob chuckled.
Jacob tried hard to think of another joke on that vein, but he didn’t find anything tasteful.
“You really killed my jokes, man,” Jacob complained, “that’s not cool. Now I can’t think of anything related that would not result in a huge amount of cringe.”
“Well, there are some things no one should joke about,” Francis countered.
“Oh! You know what, it just came to me. Maybe this will make you more comfortable with the whole thing.”
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
Francis craned his head toward Jacob, already regretting even looking at him as soon as he saw the mischievous smile.
“If you and I were the last humans on Earth, and I got the gay, and you looked halfway decent and took enough showers to classify as a human being, I would still not find you rape-material,” Jacob exploded laughing at the end of his own joke.
“Jake, it’s just not funny,” Francis’s expression twisted in a grimace.
“Well, not for you, Frank,” Jacob kept laughing for one minute straight.
They had a different sense of humor when they were together. Francis was the upright one, the straight shooter. Jacob, instead, was the crook, the one who loved to crack the edgiest jokes that only he and a few crowds of people would laugh at.
It was their bit, and they both enjoyed it in their own way.
“So, changing topic from your degeneracy,” Francis started, “can I hold your sword?”
Francis had been really curious, seeing how powerful Jacob’s sword was. And it also looked very refined and elegant, with inscriptions all over its blade.
“You want to hold my sword, Frank?” Jacob could barely hold the tears.
“Yeah, man, it looks very big and heavy, I am curious to get a feel for it. And you said it speaks, right? That’s cool,” Francis said, oblivious to what was brewing inside Jacob.
“Well, Frank, if you want to get a feel for it, who am I to say no to you touching my big and heavy sword,” Jacob’s eyes were now really starting to tear up against his will.
At that moment, Francis caught the joke.
“GOD! You are unbelievable! They should lock you up, Jake! What’s the matter with you?! Forget about it, I don’t want your stupid sword,” Francis said, not knowing he would regret saying that a moment later.
In fact, a voice suddenly boomed in his head.
WHO DARES CALL THIS GREAT KEVIN, THE MOST RELIC AMONG RELICS, SLAYER OF CHARYBDES AND CALAMITIES, A ‘STUPID SWORD’?!
Suddenly, Francis heard a voice shouting in his own head, so strong he almost fainted from the shock.
“Holy shit, Kevin, you can do that,” Jacob’s eyes widened when he saw Francis sway back and forth, clearly affected by what Kevin had just said.
DO WHAT? THIS GREAT KEVIN CAN INSTILL FEAR INTO THE GREATEST GODS, WHO’S A PUNY MORTAL TO DENY THE DREAD HE SHOULD FEEL WHEN PRESENTE WITH—
“No, Kevin. I meant you can speak to other people too without passing through me? Shouldn’t a Soul Weapon not be able to do that?”
A SOUL WEAPON, MAYBE. THIS GREAT KEVIN MIGHT KNOW NO BOUNDARIES, NO LIMITS, NO CEILINGS, NO RESTRICTIONS, NO BORDERS, NO LIMITATIONS, NO OBSTRUCTIONS—
“God, did your sword swallow a thesaurus? What’s that? Is your sword mental?” Francis was just getting accustomed to the screaming.
“Please, Frank, don’t insult it if you don’t want to hear—”
THIS GREAT KEVIN ONLY SWALLOWS FOOLS WHO DISRESPECT IT! AND MENTAL IS WHO OF BEING MENTAL ACCUSES! HA! GOT YOU, FOOLISH MORTAL!
Francis looked at Jacob, who was still waiting for an answer to his question, instead of the umpteenth proclamation of Kevin’s own greatness.
“You might not believe me, Frank. But Kevin is indeed one of the most priceless Relics ever to exist. It pains me as much as it does you, don’t worry.”
HA! THIS GREAT KEVIN’S GREATNESS IS TOO LARGE TO BE WITNESSED BY MORTALS WITHOUT SOME MEASURE OF SUFFERING. FEAR NOT, PUNY HUMANS. THIS SUFFERING IS JUST A REMINDER OF YOUR MORTALITY. IT SHALL NOT OBLITERATE YOU. MOST LIKELY.
“I’m almost tempted to go back to the rape-jokes now,” Francis whispered.