Eveline's memories - Part 3

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The next morning, I woke up and was immediately flooded with an anger I didn't wish to feel.

I'd heard the fucking that Rick had given that pouffiasse when she stopped by last night. Just imagining that chatte with her hands over him was repulsive, and thinking about how she was touching him last night was sickening to me. It made me want to scratch her eyes out, punch my fist through her sternum and claw her heart out, stamp it on the floor, and then make her eat it.

Such a reaction was terrifying to me, not for its violence, but for its very existence within me. It terrified me that I would even have such a reaction over a filthy disgusting bitch fucking my travelling companion. I didn't want to care about that. It was his business who he fucked. If I knew he wanted someone like her, I would have left him standing in the cold...

No, I wouldn't. If I would, I'd have done it last night instead of taking him into my room, which meant that I was envious of her, or was it jealous? I didn't know either way, but it repulsed me to the point I felt like I might vomit, and that made me furious, to the point I didn't think straight.

Dressing myself quickly, I stomped to his door and knocked on it loudly. He took a second to answer. "Eveline?" He asked, his expression wary.

"Get out of the way," I demanded, and tried to get past him, but he stood in my way and blocked the door. "What are you doing? I said-"

"I heard you," he said, icily. "I'm not sure what you think gives you the right to barge in to my room right now, but-"

I wasn't doing this out here. "What I have to say to you is best discussed privately."

"All you seem to be lately," he started coldly, getting frostier as he spoke. "Is angry at me, sometimes with cause, mostly for pointless, trivial reasons, and in one case I distinctly remember, for no cause whatsoever, so no, I won't be inviting you into my room. Whatever you've got to say to me, you can do it out here, or not at all. Now get to it. What do you want?"

"Is she in there?" I demanded, hoping she was so I could give them both a piece of my mind.

"Is who in there?" Rick's expression was closed, stony, as though he knew what I was talking about and simply didn't care.

"Don't insult me," I snapped.

"I wasn't," he said. "You insult me though, by demanding to know if I have visitors when it's none of your concern."

That statement infuriated me at my core. "None of my concern?!" I shouted, noticing but not caring that I had caught the attention of passers-by. "You fucking arsehole. You came in, did... Things with me, and then-"

The bastard actually had the nerve to cut me off. "You immediately kicked me out of your room once you'd had your fun with me," his expression was furious. "You said, and I quote, 'I've changed my mind. Women have a right to do that, you know'. Well, yes you do, and you should also expect to accept the consequences of your choice. And since I'm so fucking disposable to you, I'm not sure it's any of your concern who I invite into my private space when you're not using me like a fucking sex toy."

Those words were like a stab in the stomach. I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it fucking hurt to hear him accuse me of treating him so casually. "I wasn't using you!"

"So you say, but your actions tell a very different story."

"Whatever," I muttered under my own breath, trying to get a grip on my feelings. "I know my own mind."

"Was there anything else?" He asked, dismissive in his attitude toward me.

Part of me wanted to kick him in the bollocks. "Yeah. You need to reconsider just how freely you give out information about your quest. For all you know, that bitch-"

He cut me off again, and the urge to scratch his face off intensified. "If you want to alienate yourself from everyone around you any further, Keep referring to Lena as a bitch."

I refrained from asking him if he preferred it if I would call her the whore she was. "I don't know why you defend her so fiercely."

"You don't? Since we met her and her two fox companions, who I quite like, by the way, she has been nothing but friendly and accommodating with us, inviting us to journey with them, join us in the inn any time they frequent one, giving us enjoyable conversation. She didn't just treat me like I was some horse shit stuck to her boot, after she had a fucking orgasm."

Now I felt sick to my stomach, and I felt like he was deliberately twisting the knife. "Fuck you, Rick!" I couldn't help my tone despite my best efforts to leech my emotions from it.

He continued as though I had said nothing, and I just felt even worse. "You, on the other hand, have been adversarial, infuriating, argumentative and hostile toward me from day fucking one. You get snippy with me when I flirt with another woman, and then throw me away like a piece of fucking trash when you're-"

"Stop it! Fucking stop this bullshit!" I could feel my emotions slipping down a spiral, and it took everything I had to hold it together, but I could feel the burning in my eyes, angry at myself for showing this callous bastard that I cared about what had happened. "You said something that cut deep! That really hurt me and reminded-" I stopped myself. He had shown poor judgment, and treated my feelings casually, so I wasn't about to expose my deepest fear to him. "No, you know what? I don't want to talk about it with you. How can I trust you with something private when you jump from one bed-"

"Enough," he interrupted me, and I could see the fury in his expression. "That's none of your fucking business."

My throat tightened even more now. This conversation had been a disaster, and I felt like I was being accused of being a callous slut like Lena probably was. It was already infuriating that he would go off and fuck that bitch after he had his fun with me last night, but to say these kinds of things? To tell me that it was none of my business? We shared a moment together! I don't let just anyone do that, no matter how attractive I find them, so for him to talk to me like I treated our intimacy so casually? And to say so again even after I tried to tell him that the words he used last night had caused me to relive a trauma I still hadn't fully processed?

Yes, I was angry, but more than that, I was hurting.

"I'll stay out of your way from now on," I imbued as much cold fury into my voice as I could, my emotional defences the last thing I had to fall back on.

He closed the door in my face, and I had to step away quickly, back into my room before anyone else could see me. I expected him to be better than that, but this incident had proven to me that he wasn't.

I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge him later, when he called to get my attention as he stood with Ralf near the motel.

Once again, I felt my perspective shift.

I let out a raw, throat-searing scream, as I fell to my knees in the grass near Rheda-Wiedenbrück, completely overwhelmed. All I could feel was anguish and pain, as I breathed the last vestiges of air in my scream, before my body forced me to take in a breath, and I fell apart, emotionally and physically, collapsing to the ground and letting out an uncontrollable cry of anguish.

Rick and I had just had yet another confrontation, this time with that bitch Lena egging him on. He wanted nothing to do with me right now, and he told me to go and be anywhere else, as long as I was nowhere near him.

I had no idea, and I didn't care what words he actually used. Rick had hurt me with his words about being a princess, calling me "your Majesty", and basically being an arsehole, treating me like I hated every single human being alive. I doubt he even believed it, but he still said the words, and whether he meant them to hurt or not, they were like hammer blows to my heart.

Both my parents were human, and I loved them more than anyone else I knew. I trusted them without reservation, and would do anything they asked. They had earned my respect and my affections, and they had earned my loyalty as a daughter.

I desperately wished I could see mother and have her hold me close, as she often did when I was distressed and we were alone.

I was enraged by what Rick had said at the time, and I still felt it course through me now. More than anything else though, I was furious with myself. My father had asked that I look out for Rick's wellbeing, and I nearly killed him in a fit of rage. That could never be allowed to happen again.

Now, as I remained curled up on the ground, wallowing in my agony, I realised I had made my mission a lot more difficult. I still needed to keep Rick safe from external threats, if for no other reason than because I had given my word to my parents that I would.

Unfortunately, he no longer accepted me anywhere near him, so trying to defend him from other threats would have to be done without him knowing. I struggled to come up with ideas in the moments after I had my emotional breakdown, and it took me precious moments to calm my mind enough to think about what to do next, how to honour my promise to my parents, and keep a man safe who didn't want anything to do with me.

It would have to be done using stealth.

Thankfully, that was something I had trained well in, given I liked to hunt in the wild, and most creatures were hyper-alert to danger. All I needed to do was to disguise myself, and I could intervene when needed, while I tracked everyone to Rick's ultimate destination.

For now, I knew where he was going, and that gave me time to gather some supplies ahead of his arrival. I still felt sick to my stomach and emotionally unstable, but I at least had a task to focus on...

So focus on it, I did.

I got to my feet, took a deep breath, and then started a fast run to Rheda-Wiedenbrück.

My perspective changed again, and as it did, I caught brief glimpses of myself-as-eveline defending the me that was fighting off invaders, then watching as Suzie, Ralf, Lena and I found Frederich Dietsze in Hanover.

Sofia was safely away from her apartment, as quickly as I could move her. She had earlier given me a letter, unopened, and the vial of nanite-infused blood that she said Rick would know what to do with.

The last week, I had felt conflicting emotions about what had happened. Having spoken to my father, I was chastened to realise that my decision not to talk to Rick for the two days prior to the incident with me pinning him to the ground had not helped. If I didn't do that, Rick and I might have had a chance to talk things out, and maybe the incident might have been avoided altogether.

My father also strongly criticised my choice to become physically violent with Rick. It hurt like hell to hear that, not the least of which was because he was completely right. No matter what inaccurate things Rick had said about my attitude to other people, it didn't excuse my decision to act.

It still hurt though, listening to him accuse me of being a human-hater. It was worse because this was no stranger. It was Rick, a man who I had a tempestuous companionship with, but a man who had, in many ways, proven himself.

But I was still angry. If we saw each other again, I would have to tell him sooner rather than later. This pain cannot be allowed to fester.

I headed back to the apartment, and waited.

When I saw Rick approach with Ralf, Suzie and Lena, I lay in wait. Soon, I had no doubt Suzie would emerge soon-

No, she was already there! And she was sprinting!

I leapt out, and without any qualms, I jumped her from behind, making quick work of her, amazed that for all her ferocity in taking out her targets, she didn't even have basic unarmed fighting skills. Killing her had been a pleasure.

Running back to the apartment, I found Lena threatening Rick with a pair of knives, and I had overheard her demand that Rick stop wasting her time.

It meant that I should also stop wasting time. I leapt to action, going straight into the room, getting into a tense fight that I knew I would eventually win, and as Lena desperately flung two daggers in my direction, I countered one with my tail, the other with my right hand, landing in front of her, plunging the knife through her cold, dead heart, and reminding her that she should have hoped we'd never meet again.

Tearing her throat had been borderline orgasmic.

Then I had to face Ralf, as he lay dying, an innocent who had been caught up in this mess. I felt awful, regretted the injuries he received, and wished I could help. Seeing Rick distressed at Ralf's death had been an eye-opener for me, because it told me what words never could.

Rick saw us all as people, and he felt Ralf's death keenly.

While I was still angry at him, I had clearly been wrong in this. This was the moment I began to change my view on him as a person, and while I would still be frosty with him for a while longer, I realised even now, that I had already begun to accept him as a person.

And that was terrifying for me.

My perspective shifted once more.

"It's not like you were gone long," I muttered when I heard Rick knock on my door a few minutes after he left. "Just come in already."

"Just being polite," he told me, stepping inside.

"You know me better than that," I told him, irritated. "So, what did the letter say?"

"Sofia's going into hiding," Rick explained. "Gave me access to trauma healing nanocloud functions, and told me that I'll need to travel to the States to find more data at IBM Watson."

I frowned at him, having no clue what the words he used were meant to mean. "What? What's an IBM Watson?" I found myself asking.

He sighed. "It's a building, a research facility from the old world, one that focused on computational systems. Our nanoclouds are basically a more advanced form of what we'll find there."

I frowned some more. I had no idea what he meant. "So what will we find there?"

"We?" Rick frowned back at me.

"Yes. We," I spoke flatly. "I'm going as well."

"Eveline," he started, and I already knew where this was going. "This isn't what we agreed-"

"No, Rick," I snapped, feeling fury course through me. "My parents both know I'm still travelling with you, and they know I intended to deal with that fucking whore after everything her and that dog-faced arsehole Suzie-"

"EVELINE!" I was startled by his sudden roar, but wanted to rip his ears off anyway. He quickly explained. "If you think I don't want to have you around after you've now saved my life repeatedly, then you don't know me very well."

"Then what's the problem?" I asked pointedly, not willing to let myself cool down just yet.

"Mind if I sit down?" Rick asked me, and I waved him to the bed, still angry at him; this had better be good. "This entire situation is my mess to clean-" I went to interrupt, feeling intensely hostile, but Rick held up a hand and continued. "No... Let me say this please, and then you can say anything you'd like. Please?"

"You'll take me seriously after?" I asked.

"I swear it..." Rick told me, his expression solemn, and I found myself believing him. "On anything you think I should. I will listen to you when I'm done and take seriously anything you need to say, after you give me a chance to speak."

I knew we were about to have a difficult conversation, but I needed him to hear me out, so I decided I would listen to him first. "Then I'm listening."

"I'm glad to see you again," he said, never taking his eyes off of my own, and something about his words touched me. "I mean that. You've again, saved my life, you've dealt with two people who were likely going to succeed in getting some valuable information out of me before killing me, then those I needed to visit, and you've helped me save some innocent lives who were being thrown away in some pointless power play going on west of here. Ralf was right. I owe you, but not just a chance. I owe you my life.

"The problem is, I don't know I'll ever be able to repay that debt, and I don't know if it even matters. What I have to do is dangerous, unpredictable, and is my mission alone. What I find out, whether it makes a difference in my life or the lives of anyone I know, I don't know, but it's not like I'm on some world-saving quest here. No-one who travels with me is going to benefit from what I discover, at least not that I know.

"And like I was trying to say before. I got myself into this mess by trusting the wrong people." He took a breath at that point. "I got myself into it... So now, I'm the one who needs to get myself out of it. I can't ask that you risk your life, nor remain apart from your parents, in order to help me on my quest. It's not fair either to you or to them, and I've already let your father down by casting you out before. You've already done what you were asked to do, Eveline. I've no right to expect anything else of you."

He stopped, apparently done. He continued to hold my gaze, and I felt a confusing mix of pain, regret and a lot of frustration.

"Right," I said briskly, hoping I would be able to say what I needed without getting too upset. "I hear what you're saying, that you're going to be facing an uncertain quest across the planet. That your mission isn't going to be of any help to me or to anyone else. I hear all of that. I also hear you when you say that you don't want to put me at risk." I stopped, waiting to see if he would dispute anything I said. I could see he wanted to, but to his credit, he did not. "Truth is, I'm still fucking furious with you for how you spoke to me before, the last time we spoke to each other. You threw constant accusations at me of behaving like a... Like an aristocratic shit-stain, who scrapes people off of her shoe. You accused me repeatedly of being racist, of viewing every human being as beneath me," I tried to speak in a moderate tone, but just thinking over all of this was infuriating me, hurting me to revisit, and I could feel my self-control slipping. "As though I would view every last human being on the planet like they needed to be killed, including the two people I love the most in the world-"

My fucking tail swiped through the air, and in my anger, I grabbed it, yet while I could stop it from distracting me, I couldn't stop the angry tears running down my cheeks. Just knowing he was seeing me like this was angering me even more.

"I don't know if I can forgive you for that," I told him finally.

His only response was to hang his head in shame, and that just irritated me.

"Well?" I demanded, and all he did was shake his head. "Say something, damn you!"

"What do you want me to say, Eveline?" His tone was defeated. "You're right. I said some awful things to you that I never even knew were true or not. I was defensive, and I was angry, and I lashed out at you in the worst way possible, when what we should have done was talk about what was really bothering you at the time."

I felt a stab of fear in my chest. I wasn't ready to face what was really bothering me at the time, even though I knew we would have to discuss it. Still, I gave him a warning. "Careful what you say next."

"All I'll say is that I don't think you were really against diverting to help a town full of innocents," he told me, and while I waited for him to say more, he didn't.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"No," I admitted after a moment. "If I wasn't already furious with you, I might have agreed with the mission." He nodded, and I decided I had to know what happened, and why he ran off with Lena. "Why did you do it?"

"They needed our help," he replied, not getting what I was thinking.

"Fuck sake, Rick," I snapped. "That wasn't what I was talking about."

"Then what were you talking about?" He asked impatiently.

"Why'd you go fuck her after our time ended?" I asked, feeling hurt by the fact that he did, not knowing why it bothered me so much.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" He asked, apparently giving me an opportunity to shelve the discussion for now.

"Yes," I barked, determined to hear his explanation.

"Damn it all," he looked uncomfortable. "You and I, we were enjoying ourselves, weren't we?" He asked.

I was determined not to give away how I really felt, so I said nothing.

He continued. "I was hoping you were getting some enjoyment out of it at least," he looked down, and I could see the hurt in his expression, It made it difficult for me to look at him, or to maintain my composure. "Anyway... When you kicked me out of your room, I felt rejected, like-" He suddenly stopped, and I felt irritation at his attempts to be circumspect. "Like I didn't really... I don't know."

"I'm still not ready to talk about it," I said eventually, finally able to face him. "But one day."

Rick held my gaze for a moment, nodding slowly. "Anyway, I went back to my room, the only thought in my head was to get to sleep and just wake up to a new day where I'd hoped you and I could just make a fresh start. Lena took advantage, I guess."

Something about the last sentence he spoke angered me. "And you didn't want anything to do with what happened next?" I demanded.

He hung his head, surprising me. "I'd be lying if I tried to say that. It takes two, and I have to accept that fact. I'm responsible for letting things happen between her and I when I should have just refused," he stopped to take a breath. "It's just... Never mind."

"What?" I barked.

"I don't want to make excuses, Eveline."

"Fuck that," I sliced my hand through the air in dismissal. "Tell me what you wanted to say."

"Well..." He began, took another breath, then continued. "It's just that she made it all sound so reasonable."

"How so?" I demanded, feeling tired and infuriated at the same time.

"Well, she pointed out the fact that we weren't in a relationship, we weren't promised to each other, we weren't exclusive, hadn't discussed it... And... Well, she said that with all of that in mind, having a drink with her shouldn't have been a problem."

That manipulative cunt, I thought to myself. "Yeah, it sure sounds 'reasonable', doesn't it?" I couldn't help the bitterness in my voice. "Yet I still feel like you just discarded me-"

Rick stopped the fucking wounded puppy dog act at that moment, and I felt immediate relief. I was getting sick of it. "No, I'm sorry, but I can't just sit here and listen to you tell me that I discarded you when you kicked me out of your room not twenty minutes before any of that happened. I'm sorry, Eveline, I really am. I never wanted any of that to happen the way it did, and it..." He could not continue, but his words up until that point were enough for now.

I didn't know how to deal with what had happened, nor did I know how I should really feel about it. We didn't know each other that long, but it felt like we were developing something, which both terrified me and made me feel like it wasn't happening quickly enough.

Which also frightened me.

"I'm trying, Rick," I told him, feeling pain like an ice pick through my chest. "I'm trying to accept that what happened that night with her was not your fault."

"Don't do that," he told me, and I felt a curious sensation at his words that followed. "I'm not going to pretend I had no control over what happened. Whether I was right in thinking this or not, and clearly I'm wrong, seeing how you're reacting to this at the moment, I felt at the time, that you just didn't care about me enough to want to stay with me after... What we did. My pride was wounded, and I know that's a childish reaction. Everything that happened after that is both my and Lena's fault. If I'd have put a stop to what she fucking did that night, I dare to say it, but you and I would probably be on fairly friendly terms right now."

The combination of sincere regret I heard in his voice and the hope that he and I could get to know each other properly were almost too much for me. I didn't want to feel pain at what he did. I didn't want to care at all. It would have made my life easier.

But I couldn't help it. I did care. I did feel pain at what I felt was a betrayal, a disloyalty, even though we had made no agreements at all.

That was my own issue, though.

Still, it didn't stop it from hurting like hell.

"I don't know how to feel about it," I eventually said, feeling nothing else was safe to say right now. "I'm going to need to think about it for a while."

"I'd be surprised if you didn't." Rick said with a nod, his expression contrite.

"Let's stop talking about it for now," I told him, needing to change the subject before I was overwhelmed by my feelings. "And Rick?"

"Yeah?" His tone was soft, his expression entreating.

"I'm sure I'll bring it up and throw it into an argument in the future," I admitted, and my eyes started to water as my emotional state started to become too much. I determinedly pulled myself back from the edge, taking a deep breath. "It's childish, and I'm working on it, but I..."

"I'll try not to take it too personally if you do," he told me, his expression kind. "Seriously, I owe you. I can weather some displeasure if I can make it up to you. Just..."

"What?" I asked when he stopped.

"Just please, no more silent treatment if you're pissed at me. If I've done something wrong, fucking tell me, yeah?" Rick asked me, his expression hardening slightly. "I need to know what I've done wrong in future if I'm ever to have a chance to put it right."

This was fair, and after the conversation I'd had with my dad, I was prepared to do this right. "Yeah, dad told me that it was both childish and a means of..." I felt regret and the fierce need to make amends, and I was beginning to lose self-control as I quietly added "Abuse."

"We can talk again later, if you want. I'm guessing you'd appreciate time to yourself?"

Rick's awareness of my emotional state was overwhelming for me, and I found I suddenly couldn't face him, as I began to feel my throat tighten. I struggled to hold myself together, even as I heard his footsteps.

"Rick!" I called out, and I couldn't help the shakiness in my tone.

"Yeah," his tone was like a whisper-touch on my skin.

"I'm going with you. That's not up for debate," I swallowed against the lump in my throat. "And thanks... For the effort."

I could say nothing else.

Thankfully, Rick left ant closed the door that moment, and I shakily and quickly stepped to the door to throw the latch and lock myself in, right as the last vestiges of my self control fell away and I let out an anguished wail, hugging myself in misery.

My perspective shifted through some more brief moments of our journey together, until we finally reached something else significant in our time on the road.

"Good night, Ev," Rick told me as we left the tavern in Hamburg. He turned to walk to where he was staying, when I found myself calling out to him.

"Rick," I said in a whisper, hoping he heard me but not wanting to draw attention to us in that moment. "I overreacted earlier today..."

I had trouble speaking, but Rick saved me the trouble.

"Thank you," he said for some reason. It confused me. "I can't imagine that any of what's happening right now is easy for you. Thank you for trying to make amends... Even though it's me who should be apologising for everything I've put you through."

"Fuck," I exhaled, rubbing my eyes in irritation. His deference, submissiveness and self-denial was infuriating, and the times I'd ignored it over the last week now all caught up to me, causing me to explode. "Stop being so fucking submissive all the time!"

He frowned at me, and I wailed at him in my head to fucking say something in his defence. Instead, he said "I know what I did-"

"Yeah, I know what you did as well," I snapped, angry, hurt and frustrated. "But everyone has their limits. I'm angry. I'm very fucking angry. I sometimes want to cut your balls off."

"Isn't that a little extreme?" he aked, an eyebrow going up, and that perversly, irritated me to no end. I found myself raising my voice.

"Yes!" I snapped. "Yes, Rick! Exactly! It's very extreme, Rick! Very fucking extreme, and no-one in their right mind would stand for it. So I wonder why you're letting me push you so much?"

"What the fuck, Eveline?" Rick's expression revealed exasperation. "I'm trying to make it right-"

I had no explanation why, but that just pissed me off even more. "You're just making it worse!"

"What the fuck do you want from me, Ev?" Rick's voice raised in both pitch and volume.

"THAT!" I shouted. "That's what I want from you! For you to stand up for yourself! You think that walking around on eggshells and just taking what's thrown at you, no matter how cruel or insane, is the way to earn my respect or trust?"

I couldn't help the fact that I started openly sobbing in front of him. I was overwhelmed with a combination of frustration, anger and fear. Frustration that he was being submissive in front of me, a behaviour that both irritated me and reminded me of what the breeders back at the facility had intended all of us to become; anger at what Rick had done in the recent past, and fear that I was pushing too hard, that I might end up pushing him to refuse to travel any further with me, something that I desperately wanted to prevent happening in spite of my other fears.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" Rick demanded with his arm waving toward me, and I saw real anger there. "One day you shout at me for defending myself, the next you try to berate me for just listening to you. One minute you're roaring at me because I'm apparently doing everything wrong under the sun, the next you're in floods. How the fuck am I supposed to know what to do here? How am I supposed to-"

"Just be honest with me!" I demanded.

"I'm trying!" He yelled.

"I mean about your feelings! You're angry that I'm giving you hell for what happened in Dortmund? Tell me! I already know, you reek of angry hormones, and you being all head down sorry-I-hurt you just tells me you can't be honest about how much this is-"

"Fuck this!" He snapped at me, real fury in his eyes now as he stared at me. "You see? I can't win with you! I defend myself, you'll find fault with that, tell me I have no right to be pissed at you for throwing my past in my face. I shut the fuck up, that's wrong as well! This is a head fuck, Eveline! I don't need it! I can't deal-"

"So tell me that-"

"What the fuck does it sound like I'm doing, right now?!" He hissed at me, and while I was still angry and hurt, I recognised he was indeed doing exactly what I demanded. It settled my mind a bit, and I was able to get a grip on my feelings. "What do you fucking think I'm doing right now, when I'm telling you that this is a mind fuck? Eveline, what you're doing with all these confusing messages and lack of explanations? The angry outbursts? This is abuse. Putting someone in a position where they feel they have no choice but to capitulate to every last fucking unreasonable expectation you set for them, and then to blow up in their face just because they didn't do it in exactly the way you expected but never even bothered to tell them about?! That's the sort of thing I had to deal with in not only my so-called parents, but in previous relationships. You've literally told me that on the one hand, I need to stand up for myself, and then become furious with me when I finally do it. You tried to fucking kill me, Ev, for fuck sakes!"

"I was never going to hurt you-" I protested, bizarrely hoping he would object, which he did.

"How would I possibly have ever known that?!" He yelled, clearly frustrated. "You had me pinned to the ground, Ev!" He took another breath before continuing. "Pinned! With your claws out and teeth bared! Yeah, I said some mean shit that made you furious with me, but you upset me by berating me for trying to do what I thought was right, after having given me the silent treatment for two days, and even now, you still refuse to speak to me about what had happened in Dortmund! You want me to defend myself? You want me to fucking argue my case, even knowing you'll hate me for it?"

Oh Rick, you stupid man! I thought to myself. Why would I hate you for standing up for yourself? The fact that you weren't standing up for yourself is what was killing me right now.

"Fine!" He barked, but he seemed to also wind back his anger as he continued. "I know I fucked up, Ev. I know I have to put it right, but you getting on my back because you don't think I'm handling it the way you think I should? I'm sorry, but I'm not going to have you tell me how to fucking behave. That's my business. I try to be mindful of your needs, your own way of doing things. Have the decency to pay me the same respect, alright?"

Those last words were what finally reached me.

He was right. I wanted him to defend himself, and I wanted him to do the right thing. When those two things were opposed to each other, navigating such tricky terrain was bound to be difficult, and Rick was right that he had to do it his own way.

I wanted to give him the respect he was due, and probably without realising it, he had just found a way to make it happen. Now, I needed to make it clear to him.

"Keep doing that," I said, sniffing irritably, wiping my eyes. "I'm trying to get past what happened. Standing up for yourself, even if I don't like it, that's how you earn my respect."

Rick didn't want to leave it there, apparently. "I really do mean it when I say I'll do what I have to, to make it right."

Those words both exasperated and comforted me. He was willing to defend himself and try to do what he felt right where I was concerned. It was worthy of my respect. "I want to believe you," I said, unable to continue.

"One day, maybe," was all he said. "Good night, Ev."

"Good night, Rick."

Now, I found myself walking along the street toward where I had last seen Amélie and Philippe heading when they parted company with Rick and I earlier that evening. My mind was in chaos, and I didn't know what I should be feeling; should I be feeling angry at him and his accusations of racism? Or maybe his accusations that I was merely using him for satisfaction? Maybe his decision to run off and fuck the next big-breasted slut to come along and offer herself to him on a plate? Or maybe I should be furious at his decision to be constantly deferential to me this past week? All of those thoughts swirled in my mind like a storm, and it left me feeling confused, hurt, angry and it was freaking me out that one day soon, Rick would just say "fuck this", and disappear...

I thought that he might have called Amélie and Philippe to come get me for this exact reason.

Why did it bother me so much the idea that he didn't want me around any longer? It would make my life far easier if I just went back home and continued as things were, having Amélie and my parents as those who I was willing to show a little of myself around, while keeping my walls up for everyone else, so why was I so fiercely set against it to the point that I felt an almost uncontrollable rage build up in me when I thought it was happening earlier?

All of this was fucking with my mind, and I needed to talk to Amélie, before I had a heart attack.

I really didn't want to go back...

Not unless Rick came back with us...

And yet, that very thought was frightening to me.

My perspective shifted again, as events accelerated, and I quickly watched the week where we walked through Iceland, my subconscious need to open up a little, the need to indulge in feline play with Rick's possessions, the need to spur him into some bizarre form of chase-the-cat.

Near-panic set in, as Rick had a blade plunged through his lower abs, then his kidney, and my already incandescent fury that these bandits would dare to attack us and threaten Rick harm, exploded into a searing supernova that had no end. Already pushing myself to combat these three bandits, I put every last effort into killing these disgusting, cowardly, vicious fuckers who would dare to hurt Rick! I don't know how long the fight lasted after that, but when I finally had no-one left to stop me, I looked about and realised that I'd inflicted utter carnage, the bodies of the attackers barely recognisable after my rage had finally died down.

Now all that was left was the depth of fear and anxiety that Rick might be dying or dead, and I ran to him, looking him over for the injuries that looked horrific. I'd never seen a knife plunged so deeply into someone's core like that, for them to live to tell the tale, and the few stories of people who did live afterwards? They had some problems that even their nanocloud couldn't fix.

So, I did what I could, getting Rick away from the scene of this violence, then trying to get his wounds cleaned up, before propping him up on his own backpack, waiting to see if he would wake up.

It was a relief when he did, and the gasping cough he let out startled me, only for the overwhelming relief I felt to near cause me to cry and blubber pathetically. It took everything I had to stop that reaction, and I was angry at the situation, at him, and at myself.

"You're awake then," I tried for a flat tone that didn't reveal my fear or relief.

But I could see in Rick's eyes that he wasn't an idiot. "Ev," he rasped, his expression one of cloying sweetness that made me want to gag. "W..t..? Pl..z?"

Fucking stupid arsehole! I pushed myself up, and felt the urge to crush the flask that I fetched to give Rick some water to hydrate his parched tissues, falling back on the routine that I used whenever we had any sick or injured cubs come in to the orphanage.

"Thank you," he whispered, reaching for me with his hand.

I was feeling churlish, so I moved my arm out of his way in a move that might have thrown him if he had managed to reach me by then, and I felt ridiculous for it afterward.

"Sorry," he then said, pissing me right off. "You're still mad at me-"

"Shut up!" I hissed, my eyes streaming, and I angrily wiped at them. "What the hell is wrong with you, Rick? You let your guard down! I told you never to do that! You could have been killed!" The stress of the last hour got to me, and I started to shake.

"Ev, it's killing me to see you like this-"

"It's killing me, he says!" I couldn't believe my fucking ears! I sniffed hard, wiping my fucking eyes again. "You saw me out there in the middle of a fight, and you- you fucking let your guard down! They skewered you because of that! They very nearly killed you! Damn you! What the fuck am I going to do if you die?"

"If I died out here, I'm sure you'd have found someone who can make sure you get back to your family, without too much issue," I heard him say in a gentle voice.

"That's not even fucking close to what I meant, you moron!" I hissed, wondering how someone could be so incredibly dense! Then I couldn't help but let out a low moan, before hissing again, wordlessly this time.

"Ev," I heard him whisper.

"What?!" I snapped.

"Ev, listen to me," he said again.

"I'm listening!" I couldn't turn to face him, and I hated him seeing me like this, especially after our earlier fight.

"Ev, I'm sorry for distressing you."

He was sorry? What the fuck did he have to be sorry for? "I don't wanna-"

"I'm not done," he cut me off, and it was all I could do not to hiss at him, but to keep quiet and listen instead. "I can't imagine what it must be like to see a travelling companion come to harm on the trail. You're too good a fighter for that. But..." he stopped, swallowing, his throat probably dry. "Sure, I may have been careless and let my guard down-"

"You fucking think?" I snapped at him, anger warring with fear and relief, and I let out a choked sound.

"Still not done, Ev," his voice was gentle. "But if you hadn't been there at that time, I know for certain, as I know your tiger stripes are very pretty-" A slightly incredulous bark of laughter escaped me, though for some reason I didn't want to think about, I felt a warm feeling in my chest. "I'd be dead now if not for you."

I still couldn't face him while being myself, and I'd already shown him too much of myself like this, so I decided to get up and go for a walk, telling him I needed a minute. Once I was far enough away, I let myself sag and gave vent to how overwhelmed I was feeling, letting my body have its' way and crying myself out.

My perspective shifted yet again, and I found myself in the hotel room in Reykjavik.

Rick and I had just had yet another argument about our journey, and this time, I had to accept the blame for it. My state of mind was precarious now, and I could feel the conflict raging within me. A part of me really wanted to work things out, make the right choices, be who I really was and accept the inevitable.

Another part of me fought desperately to cling on to my sense of self-control, the part of me that feared the consequences of imprinting for fear of what Rick might make me do if we ever did.

And that part was winning.

I understood all too well that my problem was with imprinting. The complication was just how easy it was to kick-start the process. All it took was to feel safe and trusting of a particular person, and everything would spiral out of my control from there, beginning a process that I was powerless to stop, that would result in putting myself at the mercy of a man who had already made mistakes, who would never neatly fit into the familial category; not least of all because I didn't want him to, and who could make me do anything against my will if I ever let him have that control over me.

Frankly, it was sheer emotional torture, because those two sides of me were in violent conflict with each other. I had already tried to manage the anguish by distracting my mind with physical pain, and I had started using my claws to cut ribbons into my legs. It helped a bit, and it helped that I was expressing my inner pain through the physical pain that left scars I could see.

But it never really solved the problem.

After he had left my room following our latest disagreement about his own injuries, I felt like I was pushing him too hard, and needed to try and reconnect in some form. It didn't help that I was also feeling more sexual tension than usual.

That could be an issue.

Still, I needed to talk to him, so I walked to his room, and knocked on his door...

Only for it to fly open a minute later, a rather irritated-looking Rick standing there. He didn't give me a chance to say anything, and his speech shocked me. "I really don't feel like getting into a discussion about what I'm apparently doing wrong, so if you don't mind, I'd like to be left alone this evening!"

He then slammed the door in my face, causing me to jump. Part of me understood and thought it best I leave him alone.

A much bigger part of me wanted to have it out with him right now. I knocked on the door, hard this time, and it slammed open as Rick shouted "What?!"

I glared at him, hard. "Is this how you treat everyone who knocks on your door?"

"Damn it all to fucking hell, Ev, what is it that you want from me?!"

"Nothing," I automatically said after a moment, and turned to walk away, putting up the wall between us again. But that was the problem in the first place, so I forced myself to stop and turn around to face him. "You know, I thought that maybe we could just talk and relax this evening. After all, we've been at each other's throats for weeks now, and I thought maybe it would be better if we could stop the pettiness and have a real honest conversation for a change."

I'd pushed my way into his room at this point, which I could see was annoying him. That hadn't been my intention, and I felt a little guilty for that. I also noticed that he was still putting out a cloud of pheromones that I was fast becoming addicted to, and a part of me thrilled at the fact that he still saw me the way he did.

"You've been almost daily on my back about my mistakes for weeks, ever since we left Dortmund, up until you went and started tracking me to Berlin, then picked right back up where you left off when you joined me on the trip here," Rick said in weary and frustrated tones, his arms out to his sides in exasperation, and I watched as he once again stood his ground. "Excuse me for thinking you just wanted to come in here once again to give me a piece of your mind about how unreliable I am..."

As he continued to argue his point, I felt a sudden urge to reach out and grab his cargo pants, so I could take them off. He really needed to let go some of his tension, and I was feeling a sudden rush of pheromones; my own, to be sure, but his were just as present as ever. Acting on my instincts before I had a chance to censor myself, I then caused a reaction I certainly didn't expect, as he slapped my hands away and stepped back, a look of anger and frustration on his face.

It felt like a stab in the chest. I felt more pain and rejection in that one moment than I ever did in my whole life.

"What the fuck are you doing?! I'm not even remotely in the mood for games, here."

Still hurting from his rejection, I became defensive. "Are you serious, Rick? You're still putting clouds of pheromones out all over the place-"

"THIS?! AGAIN?!"

That caused me some confusion, and I barked "What?"

"I told you just before we arrived in Sevenum, that just because I'm putting out clouds of sex scent, doesn't mean I'm going to rip your clothes off and fuck you right then and there," Rick growled at me, and I had to admit that he had a point, that I had given him a hard time over my assumption that he would sexually assault me when I had no basis for such an accusation. "And just like it means I'm not automatically going to force myself on you, it also means you have no business assuming that just because you have that effect on me, that it's just fine for you to start molesting me any chance you get, when it suits you."

That hurt me even more, and I felt my heart skip a couple of beats, the feeling in my chest almost painful. He was right, and I knew it. The problem was, I still wanted to relieve tension, and I just didn't think straight in that moment.

"Dammit, Rick," I shouted. "We've been at each others' throats for too long. We need to relieve the tension-"

"You should have asked if it was OK before you started assuming," Rick furiously cut my tirade off. "You told me once, that you're not a sex toy for anyone else's amusement when it suits them. Well, neither am I! I've had a really long day, and all I wanted was to relax and not have to deal with any arguing, or conflict, or any of that shit before we had to get on the ship to Canada. But you assumed I'd be fine with you barging your way into my room and grabbing me? We've never even spoken about getting together in such a fashion, and we sure as fucking hell haven't spoken about whether it would be OK for either you or I to start touching each other like that."

The fight disappeared out of me, and I felt the anguish build up in its' place.

"You're a very attractive woman, Eveline," he said, pouring some salve onto my wounded soul. "I've told you this before, but you are a difficult person to be around at the best of times, and I can't just ignore how you keep treating me with hostility and contempt. I really don't know where I stand with you most of the time, and it's draining and damaging. In fact, the last time you and I did anything like this, you rejected me and threw me out. I'm not even close to eager for that to happen again!"

"I wish I could explain it to you," I told him, as close to a whisper as I could get. I could see that my pain was affecting him deeply, and I wanted us both to feel better, which was probably why I did such an ill-advised thing in the first place.

"I really wish you could as well, Ev. I desperately want to understand."

The kindness in his words pushed me over an emotional cliff's edge, and I had to take drastic action in order to preserve what little was left of my sanity, as my claws extended into the palms of my hands, causing me to wince unexpectedly. I could feel what little self-control I had left slipping away from me, and I had to get out of there.

A few moments later, after opening the door and leaving his room, I was back in my own, my door locked, and collapsed to my bed, curled up in a tight ball, and cried myself to sleep, holding a pillow to myself, utterly inconsolable.