Not surprisingly, Aura rushed from the dining area after her answer. Adan was then left to adopt her more usual posture and bury his face against his arms as he leaned over the table. He had somehow thought that giving her permission to confess what was really going on in her head, and what was really responsible for her increasing discomfort over the last two weeks would actually make things easier. Though it didn’t seem that easy was anywhere in the cards for either of them anymore.
Several moments later, his inner worries were interrupted as she returned to the room once more. He looked up from the table with surprise at her timely return, considering the inherent fight or flight tendency that kicked in the moment she felt any loss of control.
“How about you tell me something?” she managed as she stood near his seat, arms wrapped around herself protectively.
“What would you like me to tell you?” he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful just yet.
“First, you’re over the denial now? You do realize that if we were to leave this place, we would both be dead in a matter of hours?”
He took a deep breath, “now, now, don’t sugarcoat it.”
“Adan” she scolded.
“Yes, denial gone. I get that out there equals fucked. Does that make any of it any better though?”
“I just need to know that you understand that this is it for us. This is our lives now. We could be in here together for a long time. Just us. You get all that, right?” she asked, seeming to struggle to hold back tears with every word.
“Yeah, I’m pretty aware of the situation, Aura. That’s why...”
“So tell me,” she interrupted while she still had any strength left to get through the conversation at all, “what do you think is gonna happen?”
He gave her a perplexed look. “Can you be any more specific at all?”
She took another shaky breath as she pushed herself on. “If we’re stuck in here for let’s say, five years. And honestly, it could be longer than that. But let’s say five years. Tell me how that looks.”
“Looks?” he repeated, still not quite sure of what answer she was expecting here.
“Most actors wanna be writers or directors, right?” she said as she pulled up the chair next to him. “So, let’s do an experiment. We’re writing the script for this fucked up sci-fi horror movie that we’re now living in. Producers say we need to do a flash forward in the plot. So write it for me, right now. What are our lives here, together, five years from now? Go.”
“Aura...” he stated in a sad whisper as he looked back at her pleading eyes.
“Write me the script, Adan. What are our lives in five years? I need to know.”
“Aura, I have no way of....” he just shook his head as he looked down.
“No way of knowing?” she finished the sentence for him. “Welcome to my brain, every second of every day, Adan. It’s a scary fucking place. And all I know is that you’re all I have left in the world now, literally. And every goddamn second I’m terrified of doing or saying something that makes me lose it all. Lose you. And I never wanna be in that movie.”
Seeing the tears on her cheeks, he could feel his own struggling to escape. “How could you ever lose me, Aura? Literally?” he gestured to their surroundings as he attempted a smile, though it didn’t quite fully form.
Aura then stood again, and turned away to gather the strength to keep speaking, afraid of whether she even should. “I know that I haven’t been me at all lately. Not since the lock down started, and definitely not now. I haven’t been the girl who you somehow decided you wanted to be best friends with.
“I have so much fear, and guilt and, it’s just screaming at me every second. Like you just pointed out. I can’t literally lose you. You can’t leave me now. You can’t get away from me now. You can’t choose to be with someone else now. All your choices are gone.
“Even if you came to your senses and wanted to run screaming from me. You can’t now. Being with me here, like this, it could make you miserable, and you would just have to endure it. And I’d have to watch you being miserable, knowing I’m the reason, and I just...”
“Just hold up” he said as he also stood. He took a step toward her and placed his hands on her shoulders from behind, where he stood about six inches taller than her. Trying to push past the immediate tension that sprang into her body at his touch, he continued, “how exactly are you planning on making me miserable again?”
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Aura took another deep, shaky breath as she closed her eyes, trying her hardest not to run from the room again. “You always told me that the way you become a good actor is by studying human behavior. And you’ve had fourteen years to study mine. Do you really not understand why I’m so fucking terrified right now?”
Adan allowed a tiny smile, though she couldn’t see it. “I have had fourteen years to study you. That’s why I started this whole conversation by asking you to just tell me already. Tell me what’s really going on in your head. I thought that just letting it out would finally make you stop being so terrified of doing just that. There’s enough terrifying shit out there now. Didn’t think you needed any more in here. Or in there” he added as he moved one hand from her shoulder and gently touched her head instead.
“You’re saying you think you already know what I’m so afraid to ‘just tell you?’ Then why don’t you just tell me what you think it is? Prove you already know, and you’re not gonna shut me out once you do” she then forced herself to turn out of his grip and look back up at him. “Or is ‘just telling’ a lot harder than it seems, Adan?”
He was then the one who looked down, though briefly. “I guess I am a little scared to tell you what I think you’re so afraid to tell me. I mean, on the tiny off chance that I am wrong, then I’m gonna kind of come off sounding like some conceited Hollywood asshole” he admitted with a crooked smile.
Aura let out a derisive laugh before she spoke again. “Pretty sure your PR and public image aren’t really gonna be much of an issue anymore, Adan. There being no paparazzi or public left and all. For once, you have a hell of a lot less to lose than me. At least in this” she added more quietly.
“You’re right. I no longer have to worry about losing the adoration of a million strangers who don’t even know me. Only have to worry about losing the most important person in my life. Right?”
“The only person left in your life” Aura corrected as she also looked down. “Whether or not it was your choice to have me be that or not.”
“Aura, you know I’ve already chosen to have you in my life for fourteen years. Even when I did have everyone else on the planet to choose from. Why is it that you don’t seem to realize that I actually do want you in it?”
She had to bite back more tears then at the sound of the affirmation, but still couldn’t stop her true inner fears. “But you’ve chosen to have me there as your best friend. And when it comes to being anything else...” she just shook her head again as she felt the anxiety attack building up at just the mere prospect of her deepest fear about to come to fruition; the fear of losing him the moment she admitted how she had really felt about him all this time, sure that he had never felt that for her.
He looked down again, taking in her words, trying his best to really decide how they made him feel. But he knew it hurt him to see her in so much pain. And that was at least a good starting point, he thought. He swallowed and took a step closer to her. He then tilted her face up and leaned down to softly kiss one of the tears from her cheek.
“I guess I’m pretty good at studying human behavior after all?” he teased as her teary eyes looked up in shock at even that most innocent of kisses. Only even comprehending his actual words a moment later.
“So, you know?” she replied in a raspy whisper.
“I love you, hon. But I am a much better actor than you” he teased with another playful smile as he remained standing close as she continued to look up at him with panic in her eyes.
Aura let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a cry. It wasn’t him saying that he loved her that was what had made her heart forget to beat in that moment. She knew he loved her. He had even said it in that same playful manner many times throughout the years. But loving your best friend, and being in love with them were two very, very different things. And here he was admitting that he knew damn well that she was guilty of the latter. And she still was pretty sure that he had never loved her like that. His list of beautiful people who he had been semi-involved with, brief as any of those relationships may have been, was proof enough to convince her that she could never be on that list herself. At least in her mind.
“So... you know?” she choked on the words.
“You already said that” he replied in the same teasing tone, still standing close to her, still studying her as he did.
“I’m just waiting for you to run, I guess.”
Adan then let out another small chuckle. “Well, I’m still here, aren’t I? Sorry to disappoint” he teased further.
“Yeah, you’re the disappointment in this scenario” she mumbled sarcastically.
She looked down again, wanting to hope that all her fears weren’t true, but still convinced that the reason he was not running away wasn’t because he felt the same way about her after all. It wasn’t possible. She had studied his behavior all their lives too. And not once did she ever think that he may have been in love with her too. Never mind how brilliant of a damn actor he really was. That was something you couldn’t hide for that long. She was proof of that.
“You really thought I’d run away if you ever admitted it?”
“Isn’t that guy 101?” she sniffled again.
“Best friends are the only people who don’t run away from you when you need them, aren’t they?”
Him confirming their relationship status once again somehow didn’t make her feel any more secure right then. She sniffled again. “That’s exactly what they do when this happens. It’s like a law or something.”
Adan couldn’t help a small smile. “They’re supposed to run when it becomes clear that someone feels a lot more than just friendship?”
“Pretty much” she stated, still bracing for impact.
“Then I guess I’m about four or five years late for that running away thing, huh?”
As predicted, that did get her to look back up at him. “You’ve known, for that long?” the words came out as a whisper.
He then smiled again before responding. “Best friends don’t run away, no matter what. Even if the world ends.”