When the sun rose outside the bunker the next morning, Aura actually wasn’t the one who was laying awake staring at the ceiling above, as she usually was nearly every morning. This time it was Ilian’s dark eyes looking up in thought. Aura lay next to him after having finally given in to a fitful slumber. Adan lay asleep at her other side. And all three of them were still covered by nothing but a sheet draped over their midsections after the passion of the previous evening.
Not surprisingly, Aura didn’t remain asleep for long. She murmured as she climbed back to consciousness. Upon opening her eyes and becoming aware of all the memories of the previous night, she took a shaky breath.
“Morning,” Ilian spoke softly, though his eyes remained fixed on the ceiling, his thoughts still too numerous to allow much more of a greeting.
With another breath, Aura carefully moved closer to Ilian, making sure not to wake her other sleeping lover. She draped her arm over Ilian’s stomach and lay her head upon his shoulder with another broken breath.
“Something wrong?”
“Something right?” she responded without pause. Ilian then finally moved his eyes back to her.
“So, what wrong thing are you the most upset about at this very moment then?” Ilian asked, keeping his voice low as well.
Aura took a deeper breath to try and form her numerous fears into words. “Before you go out there, I suppose I should ask you.”
“Ask me...?” Ilian left the sentence at that.
“How much will I regret... the... things that I let happen last night?” she managed hoarsely.
“How much?” Ilian narrowed his eyes at the question.
“I know you can tell, just by looking at me. And I probably should know that before you leave. Considering, you may never come back,” she whispered.
“You’re asking me if we... either of us, made a child with you last night?” he rephrased her question.
“I don’t really want to hear the answer, but I’ll hate myself and drive myself even crazier if I don’t ask it, while I still can,” she admitted.
“Aura, I...” he began regretfully. Though even that much of his sentence was enough to start her panic attack, automatically finishing his sentence in her own head, in the worst way possible; as she was always prone to do.
“God, again?” she sat up, her voice cracking.
“Aura, let me finish,” he stated with a firm gentleness. He then sat up next to her. “First of all, from all the things I’ve learned about the way that even works, it takes at least twenty four hours for the... process to complete.” Seeing that his answer only deepened her fear, he continued, “Secondly, you can’t be. Not yet.”
She quickly looked back over at him, “What do you mean?”
“When Adan looked up the stuff about miscarriages, I had to search to be sure of what the word even meant. And, from what I read, a woman can’t conceive again for at least two weeks after having one. So please stop panicking, OK?” he told her as he placed a gentle hand over her thigh through the thin sheet.
Aura was speechless for a few moments, though she was fighting the urge to let herself feel total relief just yet. After all, feeling calm was more strange to her than panic ever was. “Are you sure?” she made herself ask.
“According to the internet, so...” Ilian simply shrugged, remembering her warning about the bullshit quota when trying to garner all your knowledge of a new world from that particular source.
“So, now I have to fight the urge to actually be relieved that I have a tiny window of time without that one worry. And I also have to feel guilty that I had my first threesome ever, less than two weeks after my first miscarriage ever? What is my life even?” she sniffled slightly.
“Who’s making you feel guilty about that?” Ilian asked.
“Same person that makes me feel guilty about anything and everything: Me.”
“Why?” Ilian asked innocently. All Aura could do then was look back at him, realizing that she honestly had no idea what the answer to that question even was.
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Only a half hour or so had passed since Ilian had shared a tender goodbye with Aura and Adan, before venturing from the supposed safety of their underground home and back out into a world that was nearly as dangerous for him as it was for them. And that half hour was the limit for how much silence Aura could bear. They both hadn’t moved from their seats on the sofa, both staring wordlessly at the metal doors after Ilian’s departure.
“Fun fact:” Aura’s hoarse voice cut into the silence, causing Adan to finally turn his eyes from the door and back to her, “The only way I’ve ever survived the nonstop panic in my brain is by finding constant distractions to keep from thinking at all. In case you didn’t know that,” she added with the tiniest tinge of sarcasm.
“Yes, I seem to recall that fact,” Adan told her with a slight look of guilt, despite his attempt at a coy tone.
“So fucking talk!” she pleaded.
Adan let out a long breath, “What could I possibly talk about that would in any way help reduce your current sources of panic? Considering how much of my own I’m having right now too,” he couldn’t help adding at a slightly reduced volume.
She gave him a rueful look before answering, “You don’t have to find a way to reduce my panic. Nothing ever really does that, anyway. Just keep me from sitting here in silence imagining every worst case scenario that my brain keeps coming up with on a second by second basis!”
“If that’s all,” Adan returned with a pointed look.
“I’m sorry, but you know when I think... it’s... It’s just bad,” she returned desperately.
“Guess it’s hard right now, since the only things I can think to talk about are the same things that you’re probably panicking over too, I’m sure. And I also know that when you talk about the things that are upsetting you, it often just makes it even harder for you to hold back the attacks. So...” He just sighed.
Adan had known her long enough to know that any time she managed to hold it together for any period of time, the one thing that almost always caused her to break down was usually something as innocent as asking her how she was doing. Talking about her feelings seemed to make them even more real for her more often than not. And that often made it difficult to decide whether to offer to listen and talk, or pretend that he didn’t notice her upset while she continued her inner battle to force it down.
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“So, you’re too upset to deal with my being upset?” she sniffled.
“I wouldn’t quite put it that harshly,” he quickly replied. “I just mean that I’m so worried about things right now too, that I’d probably be a pretty useless source of distraction.”
“I don’t know, Adan” she whispered, eyes down. “Maybe knowing that it’s possible for someone else to be just as upset as me will help in some little way. I can hope, right?”
Adan let out another sigh as he moved closer on the sofa and put an arm around her shoulders. “So, you actually want to hear about the things I’m freaking out about too?” he asked her warily.
“Odd how freaking out still seems to look pretty calm on you,” Aura mumbled.
“Actor, remember?” Adan responded. Aura just scoffed. “And yeah, I mean, obviously I’m scared to death he won’t come back. And what that will mean for us. That’s a given. And...” he then just let the sentence drop off there.
She looked up at him warily, “And?”
“And, well, last night,” he stated more quietly, his dark eyes cast down then too.
“Last night?” Aura repeated, forcing down a lump in her throat about that particular subject as a near tangible tension took up residence in her body.
“Well, I mean it was pretty intense. And...” Adan once again let the words trail off, which was usually only a problem Aura had. Perhaps he was just as upset as her for once after all.
“And?” she prodded, despite her fear of what he had planned to originally say.
“Well, the obvious reasons for being worried about... things that happened last night. That’s nothing new of course,” he skirted the subject, focusing on the easier explanation for his worries over their passionate night.
“You talking about me getting pregnant?” she restated, forcing herself not to end with the word ‘again.’
“Isn’t that kind of a continuing worry we’ve had ever since the apocalypse, and us, even started?” he stated quietly. “And, I mean... after...” he finished the sentence there again.
“After the miscarriage,” she finished for him, her voice harder, leaning forward, away from where his arm had been still encircling her shoulders.
Adan dropped his arm back to his side, his eyes moving to the floor rather than Aura. “It has only been a couple of days, Aura. And you and I barely even talked about it. I mean, I wasn’t even sure that you’d ever want to do... quite what we all did last night. Let alone so soon after...” he shook his head rather than finishing that sentence either.
Aura sniffled again, “In other words, I must be a real idiot, or really fucked up? Or both, right?”
Adan finally looked up at her, though she still faced away from him, now perched at the edge of the sofa cushion, as though moments from fleeing from the room. “I didn’t say that, Aura. Come on.”
“Didn’t you?” she returned in a raspy tone, now clenching her hands tightly, as though trying to keep her grip tight enough to hold the rest of her together as well.
“It was Ilian’s last night before going out there. I get why it happened. I really do,” Adan attempted to assure. “I’m just worried about how OK you are with what all actually happened last night. Honestly, Aura,” he stressed.
Trying to push past her immediate reaction to Adan’s concerns, Aura made herself respond. “According to Ilian it’s too soon for me to get pregnant again. So if that is really the only thing about last night that you’re worried about, then you can relax,” she then took a breath. “But it sort of sounds like that’s not all you’re worried about, Adan,” she added defensively.
The slightest look of relief passed over Adan’s face at hearing her that information. He then continued, “Of course that was a worry, but I’m even more worried about your real feelings about that. I mean, you just had a miscarriage, Aura. Even if we never wanted to have a baby, I know that that isn’t the kind of thing someone just gets over in a few days.” He then took a moment o debate whether or not to speak his next sentence before doing so. “I don’t even know if it was mine, and I’m not over it myself. Not cause I wanted to be a dad. But because I know that I might have been the one that made you go through that. And then, when we did those things last night... I can’t help wondering if it was truly what you wanted. What you were actually ready to let happen, after everything.”
Aura finally looked back at him in disbelief. “I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who ‘let it happen,’” she retorted as she stood.
“I know. Believe me, I know. I mean I was so shocked that you seemed to want it, I wasn’t thinking straight either. I admit that. I’m just worried that once you have time to think about it, you’ll end up regretting it. And why would I want you to feel any worse than you already do all the time, Aura?”
Aura took a long moment to make herself speak again. “Well, if Ilian dies out there, I guess neither of us will have to worry about living to regret anything at all anymore, will we?”
Adan looked down again, “So, that’s why you let it all happen? You’ve already given up hope that we will even live to regret anything at all now, haven’t you?” he whispered quietly.
There was another long silence before Aura made any kind of response, “You really think there’s any chance at all that we’ll actually see him again?”
“I have to believe it’s possible, Aura,” Adan replied softly. Then he quieted for a long moment too before adding, “But I’m even more worried, now that I know.”
“Know what?” she asked as she allowed the briefest glance back his way.
“The real reason why things played out the way they did last night,” Adan sighed heavily. “Just entertain the possibility that Ilian might survive. Just for a moment.” Adan took another breath. “If it turns out we might all live a bit longer after all, then how will you really feel about... everything?”
“I don’t know why you’re so focused in on last night. We both were sleeping with him already. Just not at the same time. And you even joked about it before it happened. It’s starting to sound like you’re the one who’s really having regrets, Adan,” she tried to turn the conversation back on him.
“What I’m upset about is my fear of how you’ll really feel, when you let yourself deal with last night, with the miscarriage, with everything that you’ve just tried to bury by convincing yourself that you won’t have to deal with any of it after all.”
Aura scoffed, “Thanks for the psychoanalysis.”
“Think about it, Aura. Ilian coming back through those doors safely should be the one thing we’re both hoping for. But I can’t help thinking that if he actually does survive. If we all live to see the rest of our lives after all, then that’s when you’ll just... crumble, when it all finally hits you,” he stated sadly.
Aura bit back more emotions and chose fight instead of flight at that moment. “You must really think I’m the biggest mental case on earth, don’t you?” She then mumbled, “Though now I probably really am.” She then quickly continued, “I mean is that why you ever even fucked me at all? Cause you were afraid I’d have a breakdown if you didn’t finally give in? It only took the end of the world before you decided that was the only way to deal with the silly little love-struck puppy and all her ‘issues’. Is that really it?”
Adan gave her a look of disbelief then, “So being concerned about you equals thinking you’re a total mental case who I have to pity fuck just to keep her from having a breakdown?”
“Seems that way,” she choked out her response.
“You can’t be serious right now, Aura,” he exclaimed, trying to force back his anger at the allegation. “Are you forgetting that I was just as fucking concerned about you for the fourteen years of friendship before I ever had sex with you?”
“So concerned,” she mumbled sarcastically.
With another sound of disbelief, he replied, “As you’ve pointed out, I had no reason to keep you as a best friend, unless of course I actually do love and care about you, which you know damn well that I do, no matter how much you’re trying to deny it right now!”
The two of them couldn’t find much else to say for the remainder of the four hours they had to wait to see if Ilian would survive the outside world and make it back to them in one piece. Aura felt guilt for lashing out at Adan for no reason other than him speaking out loud, the fears that had been mentally plaguing her nearly every moment. And Adan couldn’t find his own words to try and convince her that the things he had said were truly concern and not him passing judgment or trying to make her feel guilty or any sort of personal attack at all.
Though as the four hours were drawing to a close, both their panic levels rose that much more every time they looked at the clock. Finally, the sound of the bunker door opening caused them both to look at one another in fear, trying to determine whether it was Ilian returning, or something much more sinister coming to put an and to all their worries and fears once and for all.