Beck swung his arms back and forth as he walked. Back and forth. Back and forth. Gracelessly. Like if a grandfather clock and a grandmother clock started fucking. Traipsing through the killing field without a goddamn care in the world.

“Are we there yet?” he asked.

“No dumbass, we’re still walking.” his brother answered.

It had only been a few hours, and I’d already learned not to get dragged into their discussions. It was like mud-wrestling with a pig - and the pig had a boner that kept prodding you.

Probably how most girls feel when they talk to me…

I shuddered uncomfortably.

A certain nameless bitch hung back behind the rest of us, unwilling to let any of us out of her sight.

It was a chilly morning in the forest of death. We’d started our first kill quest by visiting the Adventurer’s Guild at the crack of dawn. Outside the building, the Guild’s employees were busy posting reports from the scouts and spelunkers who routinely scoured the area, looking for impact sites and any new monsters. The Brothers Dimm, in a superhuman display of literacy, quickly found the most dangerous assignment on the board and shoved it in my face. The bitch and I said NO - we’re not fighting a god damn ground dragon, and opted instead to hunt Cactupi. Picture a short, leafy tree with eight spiky trunks that wave around like tentacles.

Did I mention that they were supposed to be rooted to the ground? Easy peasy. You don’t have to consult your doctor for this one - just hit with arrows and poke with spear until dead. It’d take a while, but it seemed like the perfect task for a ragtag group of wannabees. Surely nothing could go wrong.

The catch was, we had to find the things first. And they blended right into the hilly forested landscape, already flushed green with budding spring leaves.

To get this deep into the forest, we’d caught a ride from Castella to the forward base that the Adventurer’s Guild established deep in the forest. It was pretty barebones, just a small village of a few hundred tents clustered around a great fireplace, with a palisade around the perimeter. You had to be a bit of a roughneck to stay out here long term, since the place got routinely broken into by monsters, and the adventurers themselves were a pretty unruly crowd. The dregs of society.

From the forward base, we’d grabbed a map and started down one of the dirt trails that spider webbed out from the base. It looked like a couple of miles to the Cactupi patch, and it was tough going. The woods were absolutely littered with craters, boulders, sinkholes, caves… it felt more like climbing than hiking most of the time. Many trees in the forest looked like they were barely hanging on - huge parts of their root systems were exposed to the elements. Birds flew between them, singing songs I’d never heard before. The overall strangeness of this place was hard to express.

Ms. B wasn’t kidding about all that cardio… I’d be gassed right now if I hadn’t done all those damn laps.

“My arms are tired. It’s your turn to carry the spears.” Spud whined.

“I just gave them to you, dumbass.” answered Beck.

“Bradley, tell this dumbass he’s a dumbass.”

Against my better judgment, I intervened.

“Spud, you’re a dumbass.” I stated. It needed to be said.

“No! I meant: call Beck a dumbass.” Spud implored.

“Beck, you’re also a dumbass.” I answered.

“My dad always said: people who call people dumbasses - are dumbasses.” Beck said.

“You called us both dumbasses, which makes you an even bigger dumbass.” Spud reasoned.

I was starting to get a headache - or maybe just early onset dementia. Who the fuck knows. We’d been wandering around the forest for hours now, without even a glimpse of anything prickly and wiggly. Which was fine - it wasn’t uncommon for adventurers to strike out on their expeditions. We’d just have to head home and come back the next day. Nothing wrong with taking our time to get the lay of the land.

We’d already gained a lot of valuable experience - traveling to the killing field, meeting the wardens of the forward base, reading the maps, and packing for the trip. We each had our shortswords, but we’d opted for only a couple of spears - no sense dragging around a bunch of extra dead weight if most of the monsters lived below ground anyway. We were outfitted with small, open-faced helmets and light leather armor with a few metal inserts protecting critical points.

The bitch was also carrying flasks of water for our squad, a few days’ rations, and a bag of other essential tools. Making her the “support” of the group was a no-brainer, due to her healing abilities. In a normal, functional adventuring squad, the “support” was a person with useful non-combat abilities who would typically hang back away from the fighting. Because of this, they were responsible for carrying most of the squad’s gear.

Spud and Beck were the “striker” and “slayer” respectively. In theory, one would specialize in quick lightning strikes, while the other would deal massive, powerful blows. In practice, I had my doubts.

Since I could heal so easily, I became the “vanguard” - the person responsible for walking out front, triggering all the traps, and taking all the big hits with a smile.

So, in a way, it was lucky that I was the first person to fall.

A few paces in front of me, Beck stumbled over an exposed tree root that snaked across the trail. Always ready to pipe up over trivial bullshit, Spud immediately felt the impulse to comment.

“Dumbass! Dad always said: watch that first ste-”

*BOOM*

I didn’t catch the rest of potato 1’s nugget of wisdom, because I was too busy tumbling through a section of ground that suddenly collapsed beneath me! I didn’t even have time to shout out, I just fell like a sack of dipshits. I splashed down into water that was about waist deep, even managing to land on my feet, but it didn’t matter to my pathetic right leg, which instantly snapped and buckled under the impact. Conveniently, this reminded me how to scream.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! MOTHERFUCKING SHIT CUNT FUCK BITCH!” I swore as the pain wracked through me.

“Bradley, language!” the bitch called from above me.

“DIE IN HELL YOU SICK FUCKING CUNT!”

“What was that?” I heard someone who wasn’t a bitch ask.

“He said he’s not going to make it - we’ll have to go on without him.” the bitch announced, loud enough for me to hear.

“MY BEAUTIFUL GODDESS, PLEASE BESTOW YOUR MERCY ON ME, YOUR UNWORTHY SERVANT!” I called out.

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

I do what I must.

A few minutes later, a rope dangled in front of me. I tugged at it doubtfully.

Solid enough… guess Beck didn’t tie it to his balls after all.

“See - I knew you had it in you!” the bitch cheered.

I’ll tell you what I really think of you later you miserable, rotting, nasty fuc-

I gripped and made a few fumbling attempts to climb the rope but… it wasn’t happening. The pain was just too intense to concentrate.

“I… I don’t think I can make it up!” I shouted. “I’ll need to be healed before I can climb this rope!”

“Aww, what about all those pull-ups you’re always going on about?” the bitch answered “Shouldn’t you be good at this?”

“Please, I’m in a lot of pain right now!”

“Bud! Speck! You first! Make sure it isn’t dangerous!”

After a round of whining and griping, I was flanked by the two most effective bodyguards in Alterra* Together, we scoped out the scene. I’d fallen into the middle of a sort of underground reservoir of water, sitting at the bottom of a round, rocky chamber. It was dimly lit by the hole in the ceiling that I’d crashed through, and way off to one side, I could barely make out a small ledge of cavern floor that wasn’t submerged. I decided to make my way towards the ledge, hobble-wading carefully through the smelly, gunky water. If I fell now, I’d need at least ten trips to the bathhouse to recover.

“All clear?” the bitch asked from above.

On cue, glowing green dots started appearing around the perimeter of the cavern, swimming around each other menacingly.

We aren’t alone down here…

I gulped, cold sweat running down my neck.

“All clear!” I shouted. Moments later, our pack mule had joined us.

Even more green dots appeared, creeping closer and closer to us.

“Clear?! This is clear?!” the bitch bitched.

“Back on Earth, green light means go.” I said helpfully, drawing my short sword from its sheath. Spud and Beck followed suit.

“Maybe they just want to suck our dicks?” Spud offered.

“You should test that.” the bitch said nervously, turning around as a few of the lights swam close to her.

Finally, one of the lights came hesitantly up to me.

Good boy… good boy… you’re just a friendly little light, right?

A cloud passed over the sun, dimming the cave even further. The green dots seemed to grow brighter, circling us faster and faster.

I couldn’t take it any more. I reached out with one hand and tried to grab the light that was closest to me-

…and in one sickening slurping motion, my entire forearm was sucked into the mouth of a beast!

“AAH!” I screamed. I find screaming to be a helpful way to relieve stress when my arm is being DEVOURED BY A WILD ANIMAL HOLY FUCKING-

…wait.

The creature continued to suck mightily at my arm, but… it wasn’t hurting me at all! I help up my arm, pulling the creature out of the water. It was a grey, submarine-shaped fish with only a small tailfin and a gaping circular mouth to differentiate front from back - and a green patch of bioluminescence on top.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWW GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!” the bitch shrieked.

“With pleasure.” I said, running my blade through the creature with a spurt of blood. I threw the twitching cadaver onto the ledge.

“Who wants next?!” I shouted, dipping my hand back underwater. Moments later, I had another bite. And that bite got what it fucking deserved. My suspicions had been confirmed!

“These things don’t have teeth!” I announced. “We should be alright as long as we stay on our-”

*BOOSH*

“Fuck!” Spud swore, diving underwater to rescue his fallen brother. A tense moment later, they both resurfaced, with multiple madly quivering fish hanging off of them by suction force alone.

The bitch followed my lead, baiting them with her arm and slashing them clean through. Before long, the cave was cleared of green glowy shit, and the ledge was piled high with fresh cadavers.

Without waiting, Spud and Beck ascended the rope, eager to get out as swiftly as possible, leaving me down in the pits of hell all alone with-

“Come here.” the kind elvish maiden said, offering me her shoulder as a crutch as we struggled towards the ledge.

“Thanks..!” I winced as we climbed on.

“We’re gonna need to take those pants off.” she said.

“Yeah, you got it.” I answered, too tired to even attempt a joke. After a small torture session, my pants were stuck down by my legs, revealing a twisted leg covered in deep purple bruises. The skin wasn’t broken, which meant all the bleeding was internal.

“Fucking thing snapped all the way through…” I said in disbelief. Burt had hurt me a lot in combat training, but he’d never fucked my shit up this badly. Without treatment, we had words for this kind of injury back on Earth:

Clotting. Paralysis. Amputation.

Without hesitation, Sylvana put her hands on my wounds. That glorious pink light once again enveloped me in its loving embrace, and the pain subsided, fading faster than a bad dream about grey ladies.

But instead of the usual overload… this pulse of magic felt just right.

I blinked.

There’s seriously no way it worked that-

I moved my leg experimentally. No issues detected.

I stared at Sylvana in wonder. I swear, her hair was the exact same shade as her healing magic…

Are all elves this damn pretty?

“I…”

I didn’t know what to say… until I did.

“You’re amazing!” I blinked back tears, wrapping my arms around her in an embrace. She patted me awkwardly on the shoulder, and we pulled apart, my hands resting on her waist.

“I… thought you hated me.” she said, abashed.

“Dislike is a better word.”

Sylvana grinned painfully. “That does sound a bit harsh, doesn’t it…”

“You saved my life, so I guess I’ll forgive you… Just this once.” I added, prodding her in the sides with my fingers.

“Hey, stop!” she giggled involuntarily. “I’ll break more of your fingers!”

I leaned back, putting my hands up in surrender, but Sylvana leaned in, keeping the distance constant.

“Hey Sylvana… I was wondering something.” I said, smiling evilly.

“What’s that, Bradley?” she asked warily.

“Do you heal… broken hearts?” I asked, pointing suggestively at my chest.

“Nooooo!” Sylvana laughed. “I thought you were better than that!”

Then, unexpectedly, a window opened. Most people can’t see the window. Some people think they can see the window, but they’re just hallucinating. Other people insist that they can see the window, even when they can’t. I couldn’t see the window for most of my life, but eventually I’d seen it enough times to know how quickly it could shut, leaving me stranded out in the cold. My mind, my heart, and my gut were all telling me the same thing.

So I moved, pulling Sylvana in close and kissing her gently on the lips.

She reciprocated, and as she became comfortable and opened up, I took the initiative and pressed further, until we were pretty much licking each others tongues. It’s hotter than it sounds, I swear.

Eventually, we separated, breathing heavily, and staring at each other silently, each waiting for the other to say something profound. Problem is, we were both drawing blanks.

I reached behind me and picked up one of the carcasses behind me.

“Here, have a fish.” I said, handing it meaningfully to Sylvana.

“Thank you Bradley, it’s just what I wanted!” she smiled, accepting my gift with dignity.

“It’s a symbol of our undying love.” I said, gazing deeply into her eyes.

“It’s already dead.” Sylvana deadpanned, before bursting out into laughter again.

“Hey!” called an unidentifiable dumbass from above. “Are you two done fucking yet?”

We spent the next hour or so hucking dead fish through the hole in the cavern ceiling. We’d just risked our lives to slay these dangerous beasts, and by God we were going to get credit for it. Or at least a good meal. My last fish of the day missed its mark, bouncing against the side of the hole unsuccessfully and dropping onto a mortified Sylvana, slapping her in the head as it fell.

“You asshole!” she protested, splashing me.

“Sylvana, language!” I chided, poking her in the nose. She slapped my hand out of her face and started up the rope.

Nice…

A mere month ago, I would have lost that finger.