“...all I’m saying is, these things are all connected, like the heads of a hydra. But to kill a hydra, you can’t cut off the heads - they just grow back. To slay the beast, you need to destroy the heart.” I opined, pounding the cafeteria table to emphasize how correct I was.
“Hercules burned each of the heads so they couldn’t grow back.” Stella responded.
“Yeah, but my version sounds better.”
“Addressing the root cause of the problem isn’t always the solution.”
“Yeah, but in this case it is.”
“Okay, so in your highly informed opinion, what’s the root cause of American obesity, depression, divorce, and infertility, then?”
I hesitated. I’d never told anyone this, but it was undoubtedly the hottest take in my arsenal of hot takes. Because see, I’d never needed to. I had a good job. A peaceful life. I’d never been drafted into some awful war, or stricken with some terrible illness. I’d kept my mouth shut, and good things kept happening. If I wasn’t such a misanthrope, I probably could have found happiness.
But then it was all taken from me, and now, all of a sudden, it no longer mattered what I thought about the worldly affairs on a different blue speck in the void. So I might as well get it all off my chest now, while I could still say it to the one person who might understand.
I cleared my throat.
“The 19th amendment.” I responded.
Stella furrowed her brow in confusion. “Which one was that again?” she asked.
As I opened my mouth to proudly deliver my magnum doofus, a cat-girl walked into the cafeteria and got in line.
“I guess it doesn’t matter any more.” I admitted.
And that’s probably for the best.
At dinner last night, Stella had cornered me in a hallway and browbeaten me into a practice session with the ice knife. I’d tried one final juke this morning by going to the have-not cafe for breakfast instead of the fancy one, but Stella must have seen right through me, because as soon as I walked in, she smiled and waved me over.
So here we were, downing a quick fill-up and chumming it up like chums. Relatively speaking, that is.
“What do you mean, you don’t want it!?” Gurden exclaimed from a few tables over. I don’t think I’d ever seen that kid not agitated.
“It doesn’t taste good…” Ursa said, studying a spoonful of porridge with a detached look.
“Well then, try something else! You’re hungry, right? You’re always hungry!”
“Nothing tastes good. And I’m not very hungry today.”
“Well, I gotta go take a shit, and that bowl had better be empty when I come back!” Gurden shouted, storming off.
Stella and I got up to leave.
As soon as Gurden was out of sight, I went over to Ursa, picked up her bowl and downed a couple of big spoonfuls from it.
“What some?” I asked Stella, holding it out to her.
“I’m stuffed.” she answered with a shrug.
I scooped the rest of the porridge into a garbage can and handed the empty bowl back to Ursa.
She smiled at me in appreciation, but I avoided her gaze. Didn’t want to give her any wrong impressions.
Hell is when the fat chicks dig you.
----------------------------------------
“Can I come in now?” Stella asked through the other side of the door.
As promised, I’d taken Stella to the musty cellar of Dunkan’s church. After briefly trying in vain to check underneath the wrong tile, I finally located the cubby hole where Dunkan had hidden my buried treasures. Sure enough, both the key and the knife were accounted for - the old guy was as trustworthy as John said he’d be. I didn’t want Stella to know the exact hiding place, so I had her wait outside while I accessed the hiding spot.
“Okay, go ahead.” I answered.
Stella opened the heavy wooden door, but hesitated at the entrance, looking in with revulsion at the dark, filthy room full of twisted metal ornaments.
“C’mon in babe, the water’s fine.” I said, beckoning her with a couple of suggestively waggling fingers.
“What the fuck is this place?” Stella demanded.
“It’s the torture chamber.”
“I can see that… can I really trust you in a place like this?”
“No.”
Stella groaned, but finally stepped into the dark room.
“Good girl.” I intoned seductively.
Stella grabbed the knife out of my hands and faked a stabbing motion. If I hadn’t had my fingers broken recently, I might have even flinched. Not that I didn’t think Stella was dangerous… she just wasn’t a psychopath.
It was our first practice session with the knife since coming to Castella, and Stella hadn’t lost a beat. Thankfully, neither did I - though in my case, there was much less to lose. After several sets of maxing out the juiciest missiles I could muster, I sat down heavily on one of the benches, chomping on a pre-crushed formation that I was learning to produce. Hydration was lowkey the best part of being an ice-wielder. Stella took a seat on the bench opposite me.
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
“Is this where you’re hiding that key?” she asked nonchalantly.
“Nah, I got rid of it.”
“Liar.”
“Alright,” I admitted holding my hands up in surrender, “I still have it. But I won’t say where it is.”
Stella nodded. “I don’t really care either way, but I am curious to know what its significance is.”
“Yeah… me too.” I answered. I was being honest, just not completely.
“Why does the King wear one?” she asked pointedly.
“A prophecy or something… I really don’t know much about it.”
Stella nodded. “Hmmm… well, I’m taking a history class right now. I’ll ask around - and if I hear anything, I’ll let you know.”
I blinked. She was being surprisingly helpful, considering how opaque I was being.
“Thanks Stella, I owe you one. The covenant of Matthias - that’s what Maggie called it. That’s all I know.”
Stella nodded and headed out. Once again, she paused at the doorway and looked back. For once, she didn’t look so confident and certain.
“Do you think… we’ll ever go back home?” she asked in a small voice.
What a question…
I’d privately held out hope for a while that we would go back to Earth some day, but after our talk with Mychal, something had changed…
“No, I don’t.”
Stella seemed to deflate - but writing was on the wall.
“Not to 2015 at least…” I mused, raising an eyebrow.
“Oh my god, that’s right!” Stella exclaimed, “Wait, what happens in the future? Did I miss anything?”
“Nothing much, just an alien invasion.”
Stella stifled a smile.
“You need to stop lying.” she complained, leaving me alone to my gainz.
----------------------------------------
The teacher for the magic class had looked exactly like I’d expected - Gandalf the Grey, but less impressive, and completely unable to control a classroom full of youngsters.
The teacher for adventuring, in contrast, looked nothing like I’d expected. Ever since that anonymous nerd told me how dangerous adventuring was, I’d been picturing an ultimate survivalist-warrior - Tall and jacked as fuck, with gnarly scars running down his face, ready to start drinking his own urine to conserve fluids at the sight of a single tree.
The petite, bubbly young woman presented in front of me did not compute.
“Afternoon class!” she greeted us enthusiastically, waving both arms. “Take a seat wherever you want, but choose carefully! The people in your group will be your squadron for the year!”
Sure enough, the desks in the classroom had been pushed together to form groups of four. I was one of the earlier arrivals, so I just sat way off in a corner by my lonesome. A couple of guys wearing some shitty looking rags joined me after a bit, barely looking my way as they sat down.
Well, they don’t smell... too bad… hopefully they’re good at communication.
Stella, Burt, and Clayton filed in shortly thereafter, and occupied another set of tables.
Soon, every desk in the room was filled, with one exception - the one next to me.
Is this the anti-Calderan bias I’ve heard so much about?
The teacher walked forward to the center of the room, but just as she was about to begin speaking, I felt something - a soothing presence, just outside the door.
No way.
Yes way. In marched Sylvana herself, to the immediate attention of everyone. Pens dropped. Crotches were discreetly covered with robes.
“Fuckin’ hottie.” muttered one of the guys at my table.
“Ah, Miss Sylvana!” greeted the teacher, “please, take a seat over there!”
I waved at her wearily. Was I seeing red? Yes. Did I want a healer on my team? Also yes.
She stared back, horrorstruck. She searched around desperately for any other open seat that she might have missed, but finally complied and took the seat to my right.
The teacher introduced herself as Ms. Brooks, and began the lesson.
“The first thing you should know about Adventuring is that it’s a dangerous business. Look around at the people at your table.” she said solemnly. “At least one of you is going to die.”
The classroom was silent. Sylvana looked at me threateningly.
Wait a minute…
“...but not this year! Unfortunate things happen, but thankfully not that often. We’ll probably only have one or two fatalities before graduation.” continued Ms. Brooks cheerfully.
One of the guys at my table pointed to himself and made a dumb face. The other guy snorted.
“So while we’re all still healthy, let’s go around and learn each other's names! And be sure to tell us why you’re taking this class.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Just within your group, though! I want to hear plenty of talking - you’ll be watching each other’s backs in the killing field!”
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
“With one exception! Is there a Bradley Razzetti present? I’ve been told you have an additional introduction to make.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“Yes.” I said dejectedly, standing at attention. “Hi everyone, my name is Bradley Razzetti and I am required by Castellan edict to inform you that I am a registered sex offender… and the reason I’m taking adventuring is - “
I’d tried to speed through the intro this time, but that’s about as far as I got before the classroom erupted into a cacophony. Burt just about fell out of his seat with laughter. Clayton covered his mouth and yelled “GET SOME!” Everyone with an opinion started chattering with their friends. Lots of dirty looks. Especially from girls with blue hair whose names rhyme with salmonella.
Just like back in college… I’m home.
Finally, the teacher called for order. “Thank you Bradley, you can sit down now. And you don’t need to tell us why you’re taking the class, but by all means, tell your group.”
Every day is worse than the last…
I sat down heavily and turned my attention to my squadron. I didn’t know what a “killing field” was, but it sounded ever so slightly hazardous. And these three would be the companions I’d have to rely on to stay healthy. Sylvana would be handy… maybe… now as for these other two…
“So have you, like, had sex?” asked the first.
“Weren’t you listening, dumbass?” retorted the second. “He tried, but it was too offensive.”
“People get offended too easily these days.” replied the first.
“Uhhmmm….” I began, completely lost. “What are your names?”
“I’m Spud.” said the first.
“Yeah, and I’m Beck.” the second butted in. “We’re brothers. We took this class ‘cause the teacher is hot.”
“Super hot.” Spud agreed.
“You’re also hot. What’s your name?” Beck asked Sylvana.
“I’m Sylvana…” she grimaced. “I’m in this class because I plan on doing a lot of traveling, and I thought it’d be a good way to prepare for that.”
“That’s cool. I also think you’re hot.” said Spud.
Sylvana looked hot enough to burst into literal flames, so I decided to cool her off a bit.
“If it’s any consolation, I would never call you hot.” I muttered to her.
Not to your face at least.
Like I said earlier, anything above ‘pretty’ is for simps.
“Thank you, Bradley.” she managed excruciatingly. Unfortunately, the potato twins had good ears.
“Dude, you’re dumb.”
“If you don’t want her, then I call dibs.”
“Hey, she looks pretty offended. Is this why you got put on the list?”
Painfully, we worked our way through introductions. On the bright side, I think Sylvana hated Spud and Beck more than she hated me. On the dark side, she still definitely hated me. I considered offering her more of my fingers as a kind of stress-release putty, just to feel that sweet, sweet medicine again, but I thought better of it.
As the remaining time in class wound down, reality started to sink in.
Am I really going to the killing field with these fucking morons!?!