I fast-forwarded through some of the boilerplate legal stuff that Wylie and Mychal told me about after they’d verified that I wasn’t from this world, but it looks like I’ll have run it back at 1x speed now that it’s suddenly become painfully relevant to my life.

The first thing you have to know about Castellan law is - they don’t believe in capital punishment in Castella. They believe in all-caps, underlined, bold-faced and double-spaced

P U N I S H M E N T

Castellans are a “two eyes for an eye” kind of people. If you’re convicted of a violent crime, you’re going to have twice that violence inflicted upon you. If you’re convicted of a serious enough theft, they fine you double what you took. If you’re convicted of rape, they strap you to a table, find a couple of frisky stallions, and… alright, that was a joke. They rearrange your guts alright, they just do it with an ax.

According to some idiot, an eye for an eye makes the world go blind. Sounds like the kind of shit some pompous religious leader would say, and that we all would have accepted as profound wisdom until they got caught in 4K trying to get a tongue-job from a little boy.

It’s not illegal if you say NO PEDO right?

Anyway… with all this in mind, suppose, for a second, hypothetically, that you were caught on the Castellan streets sexually assaulting a pretty young noble girl in broad daylight. You would be in quite a pickle indeed. Poor you.

Fortunately, I’m still at that age where the law has a bit of leniency… even though technically I am a lot older (I wasn’t going to argue the point). If I was some fifty year-old snaggletooth, I definitely would’ve had something important ripped off and fed to pigs in front of a crowd. However, since I’m just a pathetic little nerdling, I only got my name put on the “naughty list”. Whatever. Santa never put shit in my stocking anyway - no matter how many times I wished for a girlfriend.

The only thing that sucked was that I had to go around announcing to the world that I had been a very naughty boy - and ruin any chance I had of making friends with my classmates.

I sat back down in my seat uncomfortably.

The teacher, an elderly mage wearing raggedy grey robes that matched his raggedy grey beard, continued to stare at me.

“Thank you Mr. Bradley. Can you stand back up and tell us why you’re taking this course?”

Oh, fuck. I was supposed to say that as well, wasn’t I…

I stood back up even less comfortably than before. Somebody snickered.

“Uhh… I’ve got these… uh… things.” I malfunctioned, gesturing to my shackles, “and I think they might be magical, so… I need to uh… figure it out.”

The teacher raised his bushy eyebrows. “Intriguing. Well, as you’ll discover, magic takes myriad forms, so it’ll take quite a bit of study to pinpoint exactly what could be going on, but… you’ve come to the right place! Next!”

A collection of random nobodies stood up next, and gave their brief, forgettable introductions. There really weren’t that many students in the classroom, and apparently this was the only magic class being offered. I saw a disproportionate amount of students wearing the school uniform - this must be a “liberal arts” kind of class that the nepo babies take for funsies because they’re already guaranteed lucrative positions from their daddies. I’d seen a couple of the students hanging out with Jerith earlier…

I don’t see Jerith though… I wonder what kind of classes he’s taking?

And then finally, it was time for the introduction we’d all been waiting for. The pink-haired girl stood and addressed the class in a delicate, cheerful voice.

“Hi Everyone, it’s so great to meet you all! My name is Sylvana! I’m an Elf from the great northeastern Highwood forests! The reason I’m taking Magic is because I heard you can transform humans into animals - so I was wondering if I could find a spell to turn men from pigs back into humans!”

The girls in the class giggled, while the guys in the class rolled their eyes - especially me.

Was this raging feminazi born with pink hair, or did she dye it that way?

“Well, it’s nice to meet you too, Sylvana.” chortled the teacher, “That’s a fascinating research proposal. If you want to do any experiments, you can start with Bradley over there.”

This time the entire class joined in the laughter, bonding over their mutual exclusion of me. They were a happy fucking family alright. I leaned back in my chair and propped my head behind my hands, pretending it didn’t sting.

The introductions finally wound down on a limp note when a nervous-looking girl briefly forgot her own name.

“Wonderful! It’s great to meet you all.” began the teacher, “First off, to those of you who expressed a desire to learn some form of magic yourselves, there will be an opportunity to do that during this class, but it will be brief, and most students who try will fail.”

A wave of disappointment spread across the class - though most students didn’t seem completely put off.

“It is true, as many of you may know, that this class used to train people in ice magic - however, due to circumstances that we’ll discuss later in the year, we are no longer able to do this.”

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Oof. But I already knew that, didn’t I?

“Instead, the focus of this class will be on research - how information about magic is gathered, stored, and evaluated to make discoveries that will benefit the kingdom and all of its people!”

I nodded. For me, this was all perfect. For most people, it would be bland as shit.

“On the first day, I always like to take a poll, by a show of hands - does anyone in class have a magical ability themselves?”

I kept my hand down - now was not the time to blow my cover. Everyone looked around, quickly zeroing in on the one hand that was raised.

“Miss Sylvana!” exclaimed the teacher, “Would you mind explaining your ability to the class? Though, as you are an Elf, I already suspect I know what it is.”

“Sure!” chirped Sylvana, “Some of you might have seen me doing it in the Market Square already, but I have the ability to heal any injury, though if it’s too serious, I might not have the energy to completely handle it.”

“Marvelous! You’ll never be without money, young lady. Can you heal sickness as well, or is it just physical injuries?”

“Oh, I can do sickness as well, I’m just way worse at it…”

The teacher nodded. “As a general rule, it’s far easier to concentrate power than to distribute it over a large area.”

I could already tell that this guy had an extremely academic way of approaching magic… and I didn’t like it one bit - it reminded me of fucking Dianetics… Can I just get the broscience version of magic, please?

“Would you mind demonstrating your ability for the class?” the teacher asked. “Does anyone here have a minor injury or ailment that they’d like to be treated?”

A few people looked eager, but nobody volunteered.

“Nobody? Pity… perhaps a volunteer could prick themselves with a pen? Nothing much, just a few drops of blood… It would be quite instructive…”

All heads in the class turned towards me.

Welp. Maybe this is my chance to win back their favor…

“Yeah, I’ll do it.” I answered, raising my hand reluctantly.

“Perfect! I have a pin right here! Hold out your hand.” said Sylvana, flouncing towards me a little too eagerly…

Shouldn’t you be a little bit scared? After all, I’m the evil fetishist rapist freak…

I held out my hand gingerly, and she grabbed one of my fingers.

I don’t get it… where’s the pin? Shouldn’t she have a-

*CRACK*

“AIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” I shrieked, a high-pitched, castrati tea-kettle whistle that drowning out the laughter of those all those other fucking maniacs. I sank to the ground, clutching my broken middle finger in agony. I am a fucking baby when it comes to pain - did I mention that? It’s why I rarely attempt a one-rep-max in the gym. As soon as the weight goes above 95% of my best, I become extremely cautious. Also, I haven’t been in a real fight since middle school. People don’t pick fights with you when you’re jacked, and I for one welcome the peace. I’m a hater, not a fighter.

For someone who jumped at the chance to administer pain, Sylvana took her damn time to kneel down and fix her damn mess. I held out my hand once again.

At least it’ll all be over soon…

Sylvana once again reached out. But this time she grabbed… my index finger?

Oh my god…

*CRACK*

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!” I squealed again, and the class erupted in another fit of laughter. The teacher looked on in mild concern, but the damn coward didn’t want to step in just yet.

OH JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

“Look at me.” Sylvana ordered. Grudgingly I met her gaze. The wide-eyed innocence I’d seen earlier was gone. Instead, I saw an unhinged glint of madness twisting around on the other side of her irises, with just enough to control manifest her deranged visions into reality. Back on earth, we call this particular brand of bitch “bipolar”.

“Which hand did you use to grope that poor girl?”

I guess, when I fell, I grabbed Arrabella by both shoulders, so…

“Both.” my clinically insane mouth said before my brain could consent.

“Thank you for your honesty.” Sylvana said, grabbing my other middle finger.

No no no no no no no no

*CRACK*

I didn’t even scream this time. All I could do was bawl like a baby. The class chuckled again, but even those assholes were starting to get concerned.

“Miss Sylvana…” the teacher interjected. “The doctors in this town take an oath to do no harm to their patients.”

The elven dommy mommy acknowledged him with a glance, and reached out her hands one more time. I complied of course. I’d seen her at work already. No matter how many fingers she broke, I’d still reach out, because unfortunately, she was the only one who could fix me.

My ruined fingers laced painfully through hers. She squeezed her hands abruptly, sending one final bolt of pain rushing through me, and then…

Absolute heaven.

It was like finally releasing a breath that I’d been unknowingly holding my entire life. It was like cancelling a dinner with some asshole you didn’t want to see anyway. I’ve never done heroin, but it was just like heroin. The comforting feeling began at my hands and quickly radiated through my whole body - I don’t know what she was putting in my system, but she was using too much.

I felt myself starting to float away on the feeling as friendly little black motes started nibbling at the corners of my vision.

Finally, almost mercifully, the sensation stopped, fading in the same direction that it came, ending with just a few flickers in my fingers, which appeared to be fully functional and bruise-free.

“incredible…” Sylvana muttered.

When the glorious feeling finally left me completely, I felt a terrible sense of loss, as if I’d just lost an irreplaceable part of myself.

Maybe if I broke another finger, she would…

I shook my head to snap out of the trance. This girl was really something else. Super pretty, too. I’d noticed it before, but when she was this close to me, gazing into my soul with those pristine azure eyes, I…

FUCK

“He’s all better now.” Sylvana said, as if she regretted it. Then she stood back up and went back to her seat.

I don’t know what the fuck this crazy bitch had just done to me.

But whatever it was… it was addictive.