Shirk not from dealing harsh blows to my hopes. Lop the heads from my dreams as a child kicks the seeds from dandelions. Tell me, how do matters stand on the Seventh Plane of Wickedness?

Fear not, my lord. The tide flows in your favour. The paladin has set free all the souls in the castles that his army conquered, embittering many of those demons who sided with him. More: the news that you have survived despite becoming a crisp and that you rise in power has encouraged those who resent the dominance of Lady Liseth. They only await your return and they will rally to your side.

While Lord Azanth’s human companion sat next to his brother on the lower deck of a number 39A bus, his loyal Chief of Spies was on the upper floor disguised as an elderly lady, with a fur hat to cover her horns, well within range of Telepathy.

Sire, may I ask some questions of you; the better to understand our options?

Ask away, most loyal of servants.

What level and class are you?

I am a level eighteen crisp, prawn cocktail flavour. I have a light green rank. No stars. I have the titles: Puzzle Solver; Member of the Purple Order; Treasure Finder.

That is most welcome and unexpected information. I had imagined you trapped at level zero and even when I obtained clues to your continued survival and progress, I had not dared hope for it to be so swift. The assassin paused. And what skills do you have? What manner of class is a crisp?

A crisp is a support class and I have chosen my skills so as to be as effective in buffing and crowd control. Each of my skills is at Level Three. Telepathy was my only option on spawning here in a vending machine in Trinity College; Fortify gives those in range a hit point boost, albeit a small one, currently four; Intoxicating Scent stuns our enemies, currently four at a time; and Rush of a Prawn Cocktail Crisp delivers Haste, while increasing strength and physical attack.

Admirable and important skills no doubt. I find, however, that I miss your anti-tank build.

As do I, my old friend, as do I. Did not those tanks in days gone by, always charge with overconfident eye? Full of bravado and with raiséd sword, only one tactic was shown by each of those lords: the full-frontal assault? And did I not stop them all?

Every one my lord, even Duke Felidane.

Ahh, indeed. By flying into the fray, he thought to avoid my pits, snares and entanglements. I let him reach his maximum speed and think he had success within reach of his spear, only for him to discover with a terrible crash that the very air between us had been thickened for him to crash upon.

Happier times.

Happier times. But let us not wallow in reminiscences. My current build is promising. It fits well with these trusted humans and, in due course, it can assist my armies in a fashion most apt to alter the course of battles.

A lurch and a sigh of air. Then the bus doors opened and out went the three humans. They had arrived at Blanchardstown Shopping Centre, where Lord Azanth intended to purchase magic items for his two unused slots, perimeter and torso.

Most peculiar was this human practice of displaying valuable magic items behind nothing but thin panes of glass, rather than keeping them secure in the vault of a castle. Were this one of the planes of wickedness, a pack of demons would long ago have rampaged through the emporium, shattering the glass and stuffing their sacks full of wonderful items.

Splendid magic was collected here, in fair order presented by merchants with specialisms in the needs of each class. Rectangular rooms were placed side by side; Lord Azanth was carried past displays for mage, ranger, monk, cleric, warrior, druid and more beside. Some merchants were small and specialised in items of local supply; other merchants were linked across the planet in giant conglomerates who with teams of adventurers hired to serve them, farmed the planes for popular staples such as potions of healing and mana restoration.

There was one type of magic above all that Lord Azanth wished to possess and that was one which provided increased mana regeneration. Once his mana pool was depleted through repeated use of his skills, Lord Azanth had no worth to offer his allies, no harm to offer his enemies. Must then he wait idle in his Tupperware box? A witness only to battle, unable to affect it? No, he must not wait long before having the ability to act once more.

Inside the shop were several servants, all most eager to serve.

‘Was there something in particular you wanted?’ A young woman in the pale-blue uniform of the store came up to Liam.

‘Nothing for me. But the crisp is looking for mana regeneration items that he can use.’

The youth’s tap on the Tupperware case seemed to lack decorum and Lord Azanth was on the cusp of telepathically saying so, when the servant exclaimed, ‘oh, is that the reincarnated demon?’

‘Lord Azanth himself. He has Telepathy, so he’ll tell you what he wants.’

Among the other servants and indeed the other customers was a growing interest. As though they were floating in a pot of soup that was being stirred, they formed a drifting whorl around Lord Azanth and their attention made him uncomfortable.

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Do you believe any of the people near me to be dangerous?

His Chief of Spies was in the mall outside the doors of the shop, feigning interest in a clothing display.

I do not, my lord. I will alert you if anyone of high level or with many stars approaches.

Lord Azanth turned his attention to the servant. I seek items for my perimeter and torso that will enhance my mana regeneration.

Oh! Hello there. Thank you for coming to Mageworld, I’m Emma, I’ll be very glad to assist you. Now we have the common mana regeneration ring, but I don’t see how you could use it and the increase is only one per second.

That is too slow. I am looking for items with a mana regeneration of at least six per second.

Oh, goodness. In that case, we have just two items. An earring, which I don’t believe will suit you and a bracelet, which perhaps might. If you’d like to follow me…

To my companion must your words be addressed.

Of course.

‘Excuse me, but your crisp friend would like to be brought over to our display of high-level items. If you’d like to follow me.’

At the far end of the shop, with a burly man standing beside it whose suit did nothing to mitigate the impression that he was a brawler, was a case of glass whose shelves held items of jewelry that would have made Lord Azanth drool were he in possession of a mouth. The servant unlocked the case door and lifted from a velvet cushion a bracelet of gold, studded with diamonds. ‘How should we…?’

‘Here, he’s pretty robust, for a crisp.’

Lord Azanth felt the Tupperware box being opened and he was placed on the top of a table, the bracelet adjusting itself to fit around his perimeter.

‘That really suits you!’ exclaimed Kate.

The young monk chuckled, ‘who knew a crisp could look so glamorous.’

Bracelet of Intellect

Crafted centuries ago by the scholar Leinsen Longwalker to assist with his studies, the wearer of this magical bracelet gains +3 Intelligence and +6 mana regeneration per second.

From desire I rush to satisfaction. How much does this cost?

Nine thousand, nine hundred and fifty Euro.

Agreed. And from satisfaction I rush to desire. What else can you show me that will retain its value to me even when I am level forty or fifty.

Let me think… We have a headband that reduces the cooldown of your skills. It’s only a small effect, just under ten percent, but it doesn’t matter what level you are. Potentially, you could still be using it at Level One Hundred.

The thought of being Level One Hundred once more was a pleasant one. Even though it was years away, the very fact that this servant had alluded to it and in such a matter-of-fact way, as if it presented no insurmountable challenges, caused Lord Azanth to feel a benevolent gratitude to her.

You may show me.

Carefully, the servant opened a padded box from which she took a ball of opalescent silk. More confident in handling Lord Azanth now, she wrapped him in this silk of silver and gold, looking up at Liam as she did so. ‘If he wants to wear this all the time, you’ll have to get him a wider container.’

Headband of Flurrying Fists

A thousand years ago, Hakananga, the demon monk, held a competition for tailors far and wide to make him a headband that would increase the speed of his attacks. The winning creation was the Headband of Flurrying Fists.

Effect: the cooldown of all the wearer’s skills is reduced by 9.6%.

Excellent. I will keep it.

The cost is nineteen thousand, nine hundred and fifty Euro.

A moment.

Lord Azanth turned his attention to Liam and once more found himself wrestling with a pedantic streak in the human, who refused to provide Lord Azanth with the extra two thousand Euro that was required. Instead, Liam began to barter with the servant in a manner most unbecoming.

‘Lord Azanth wishes to purchase both items, but he has only twenty-six thousand Euro. Can’t you give him a discount for buying both?’

‘I… We can give a five per cent discount since he is spending over twenty thousand Euro. But that’s still about a thousand five hundred short.’

‘What if I buy the earing of mana regeneration?’ asked Aengus.

‘You can’t; that’s our deposit for a house.’

‘We should go all in,’ said the young monk. ‘Unless you want to stop now and get some boring job farming the planes for the civil service or a multi-national, we should gear up and level up with Lord Azanth. And if we do that, there’s more treasure to be found. We’ll be rich again and be able to get a house eventually.’

‘You can’t be sure of that.’

‘I’ll tell you what I can be sure of: Grouping with a Prawn Cocktail Crisp is still growing fast and the more new content we put out, the more paid subscribers I’ll get.’

Listening to this exchange, Lord Azanth felt as though he were listening to Nestor and Achilles. It seemed as though two different generations were arguing, rather than two brothers with just a few years between them. Of course, his sympathies were entirely with the young monk.

‘I’m going to buy this Ring of Skill Penetration.’ Kate was pointing to a silver ring holding a blue sapphire. ‘It lowers enemy resistance to offensive skills by six percent.’

‘Jeez, Kate, fourteen thousand, that’s a lot of money,’ said Liam.

‘I’m celebrating the arrest of DuFrey.’

‘That’s a great choice,’ said Aengus. ‘Come on Liam, you know I’m right.’

There was a silence, with all eyes on Liam.

‘Well, I was thinking that the Staff of Long Reach would be an amazing item with our set up.’

Aengus looked around the shop until he located the item, then let out a long whistle. ‘Nineteen thousand Euro; that’s the way to do it.’

An excellent choice, my companion. I believe the staff extends the range of all your skills by ten metres?

It does indeed.

What matters silver and gold, when such power you could possess?

What matters? That’s easy for you to say, when you don’t need a roof over your head.

You will have your own castle in due course, my friend. Come now, gather that staff into your arms and let us resume our journey together. Level Twenty beckons to us all. She holds a garland in her hands that rewards us with yet more powerful skills. And even if my floral words do not appeal, I believe I understand you well enough that you will give due weight to the following: at Level Twenty, with your magic items, you will easily be able to obtain a well-paid job that will make your parents proud and allow you to purchase a home for them in Dublin.

The female servant looked at Liam expectantly. ‘So it’s the Bracelet of Intellect; the Headband of Flurrying Fists; the Earing of Lucidity; the Ring of Skill Penetration; and the Staff of Long Reach?’

‘I’m going to regret this, but go ahead, we’ll take all those.’