image [https://i.postimg.cc/8C4R4h46/IT-Crisp.png]
TCD Professor of Magecraft Arrested for Conspiracy to Murder
By Katie Butterly
Yesterday outside his office in Trinity College Dublin, Maximillian DuFrey, Professor of Magecraft, was arrested and charged with conspiracy to murder. Eight other arrests were made on the Fourth Plane of Wickedness following the resurrection of members of the Ketch Gang by the State Healer, Dr Sinéad McClernas. Police were alerted to the scene by a call from the intended victim of the assassination attempt, Ms Kate Brannagan.
Also present at the time of the attempted crime were Tom MacArdle, a member of the family behind the Ardee clothing chain; Winifred Fitzgerald, daughter of the developer Ruairi Fitzgerald; popular podcaster Aengus Nowak; Ms Brannagan’s fellow classmate Liam Nowak; Lord Azanth, a prawn cocktail crisp; and Zinnana, a demon and former Chief of Spies to Lord Azanth when he was a demon lord on the Seventh Plane of Wickedness.
The corpses of the Ketch Gang members were interrogated by Dr Howard Clarke, the state Necromancer, using his Speak with Dead skill. Their involuntary testimony will be used in court and it is understood that their answers identified Professor DuFrey as having made a payment of €30,000 to the Ketch Gang via a losing bet on a gambling website licensed by the Gambling Regulatory Authority, who last night revoked that license. The verbal contract between Professor DuFrey and the Ketch Gang was for the assassination of Ms Brannagan and the destruction of her body so that her death would be permanent.
While the corpses of the gang members could only speculate on the motive behind Professor DuFrey’s commission, they all referred to an episode of the Aengus Nowak podcast in which Ms Brannagan made allegations that she had been sexually harassed by Professor DuFrey.
Describing the attack, Ms Brannagan said, “our group were at the castle of Lady Exquirav, the vampire on the Fourth Plane of Wickedness. We were doing well enough against the gatehouse undead when we got ambushed by those gang members, all of whom are between level twenty and thirty. So I really thought I was going to die. And I was feeling angry of course. But sad too, for my mum and dad. I was thinking how the news of my death would break their hearts.
“We decided to make a run for the tower inside the walls, even though that would also mean our deaths: either we’d be overrun by the train of mobs that we gathered when running through the gatehouse, or we’d be killed by the seriously high-level monsters in the tower. I remember thinking it would be worth it though, because the gang wouldn’t be able to follow us. And I had hope that maybe with Tom MacArdle and Winifred Fitzgerald with us, their families could afford to pay for a rescue mission to find our bodies and resurrect us.”
When asked how she felt about Professor DuFrey, Ms Brannagan answered, “He wanted the world to see him as important, as an expert in Magecraft. He loved his appearances on TV and he felt entitled to pursue female students like me, in the belief that we welcomed the attention of such an important man. He’s not important. He’s a creep. And unfortunately, there are other men who will go to any lengths – including murder – to hide their creepiness from the world.”
A statement issued to the press by Ruairi Fitzgerald said, “crime gangs operating on other planes are a blight on society. I call upon the government to ensure that the severest measures are in place to crack down upon them. The state also needs teams of adventurers capable of operating at the highest levels. My daughter nearly died out there and whilst I’m grateful to the demoness who saved her, we really can’t be reliant on extra-planar creatures for the preservation of our law and order. The least the state could do is fast track the most deserving students, like Winifred, to high levels, ranks and evolutions.”
It has not proven possible to contact Zinnana, the former Chief of Spies, even though the MacArdle family have offered a generous reward to her for her prompt action.
Communicating with Lord Azanth via Telepathy, the Irish Times were informed that: “It never occurs to fools that merit and good fortune are closely united. Those participating in an assassination attempt cannot afford to be complacent; nor should they be fools. Our good fortune was the failure of the assassins to realise that there were people seeking to find me, for ill or good, and that the same sources revealing that the human female mage who was their target had travelled to the Fourth Plane of Wickedness would allow my Chief of Spies to also find us.
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“My good fortune in being rescued has this meritorious quality to it. Had I not inspired sufficient loyalty in my Chief of Spies, then she would have abandoned me to the fate assigned to me by my enemies.”
Asked to clarify his meaning, the former demon lord added, “those who botch an assassination dig their own graves. Those who failed to kill me, likewise.”
According to speculation by Aengus Nowak, it was an episode of his podcast that led to Professor DuFrey becoming so enraged that he hired the Ketch Gang. “I have the utmost admiration for Kate. It’s not easy speaking out against people in authority but she was determined. She came on the podcast and explained what had happened between her and DuFrey. I know it might not sound too bad, like, the guy didn’t actually touch her or anything really awful. But he did try to start an inappropriate relationship with her and then he humiliated her in front of the conference on the morning after she rejected him.
“The college did almost nothing to protect her education and as a result of DuFrey’s bad behaviour – which definitely broke several college policies – it was Kate who dropped out of her degree and he carried on the same as ever. That’s not fair, right? And her podcast got a huge response, with lots of comments from other female students about DuFrey, including some of his former students going back years.
“We know DuFrey was furious about this because he tried to get the podcast taken down. And he came up to my brother all white-lipped and trembling with anger, and threatened him with legal action for just talking about the issue. Of course, we had no idea he’d go to such lengths to silence her. He must have been raging to near insanity to have resorted to hiring assassins.”
Late last night, the provost’s office at Trinity College issued a statement which declined to comment on the sexual harassment allegations as they are subject to legal action on the part of Professor DuFrey. The statement does say that: “given the information provided to TCD by the Office of the Necromancer, we have suspended Professor DuFrey with immediate effect.”
A student at TCD who was also taught by Professor DuFrey, Liam Nowak, was also shocked by the professor’s action. “Just three months ago, when I started my degree, I was full of hope about the world. I was looking forward to my classes, to levelling up, and meeting people like me. But it’s all gone pear-shaped on the academic side, largely because of DuFrey. I’m stunned that he would try to kill Kate.”
Liam Nowak went on to claim that he knew of an even more shocking example of a well-known personality breaking the law and the Irish Times is investigating these claims. He then added, “it’s ironic that the person responsible for reviving my spirits and giving me direction and success as a mage is demon. I know readers of the Irish Times will find it hard to believe, but I think the day I bought a bag of prawn cocktail crisps containing Lord Azanth was a lucky day for me.
“I mean, yes he wants to rule the Seventh Plane of Wickedness and yes, he would try to entrap human souls to serve him there if he could, I’m not naïve. But in his own way he’s a decent being. To those on his side, he’s very supportive. And he’s extremely experienced in the strategy and tactics of adventuring: I’ve learned more from a crisp in three months than I could have learned in three years from a TCD professor.
This sentiment was echoed by fellow student Winifred Fitzgerald, “we were saved by a demon. I don’t have a problem with that. I’m used to them. There have always been demons dropping in and out of our house and honestly I think they get a bad press. With a demon on your side you can achieve a lot. Just don’t sell your soul to them.”
The trial of Professor DuFrey is expected to take place early in 2025.
Earl Clarence Prepares a New Raid
By Brian O’Neill
image [https://i.postimg.cc/6qjt0j7P/Lord-Azanth-Press-conference.jpg]
Following his recent resurrection, Earl Clarence held a press conference where he expressed confidence that a second raid against the titan Syceus would be more successful than the first. “We’ve learned a lot from that encounter. Next time we won’t be surprised by the fact it has Mimic Self. And you know there were a lot of positives in the first raid. Even amid the confusion of focusing on the illusionary titan, the angel Mithelasin was able to hold his own for over a minute.
“The heal rotation worked well, we just have to position the healers properly so they are not in the area of effect of the skills of the real Syceus.”
When asked by the Irish Times if additional adventurers would be included on the next raid, Earl Clarence said, “probably not. What you need to appreciate is that if we include adventurers level sixty to seventy, they will add to the logistical challenges without adding to our effectiveness. Their offensive skills will be resisted; any melee classes getting close enough to try to hit the titan will be taking a place of someone who can hit more often and much harder; even the support classes will add very little because their healing and buffs are so much lower level than we need.
“I might just make an exception for an adventurer in their sixties who has a unique skill or magic item, but basically it will be the same raid party. And I sincerely believe that this group is up to the task.”
Invited to comment on the alliance between virtue and wickedness Lord Azanth said, “So far it is working well. We share a common goal, a common understanding that if the titans continue to roam free, they will make the planes uninhabitable for humans and demons alike. We can put our rivalry behind us for the sake of success against the titans.”
Prompted by further questions on this issue, the paladin added, “It might indeed be the foundation of a new era of co-operation between angels and demons.”
This led a student journalist from Griffith College to ask, “Even between you and Lord Azanth?”
Laughter from the assembled press greeted Earl Clarence’s reply: “Let’s not go that far. Somebody should eat that crisp.”