Tanya opened her eyes and surveyed the room. The worn-out tatami mats beneath her feet brought with it a familiar texture that set her at ease. She could feel the wards enclosing all around the place, isolating this particular room from the rest of the compound. The Shimizu compound was large and sprawled out, but this particular room was only meant for her and her father. It was here that she practiced her katas day in and day out.
Content with her findings, she relaxed and sat down upon her throne, her seat of power. Crafted out of solid ice, inlaid with metals and thick shale cushions for comfort. An elegant, expansive form of the great Nidhogg arose from behind her, its limbs entwining around the arms of the throne, its claws reaching all the way down through the tatami mats. The great draconic sculpture loomed above her, surrounding her from all three sides. Tanya let out an elated sign and rested her feet on the familiar polished stone beneath her feet and —
Polished stone?
No. She told herself. This was wrong. This was completely wrong.
She looked below. The tatami mats were gone, replaced by ice and polished stone. Gone was the well-lit room with Eternal Light illuminating it, leaving massive shelves filled with tomes more ancient than they had any right to be. They stared back at her from the shadows, while alien insignia began forming all across the walls like graffiti.
“NO!” She screamed more urgently, frustration mounting within her. And then the Throne vanished from under her, dropping her on the rocky terrain. A shiver ran through her as a cold, piercing wind blew across the mountain top, with the mutilated body of a very familiar man with crimson shards erupting out of his—
…
Tanya opened her eyes and saw overhead the familiar ceiling of her room in yokai territory. She was familiar with the eerie green light and the blue orbs of flame in the walls.. She reached up to rub her temples, hoping to forestall the headache that was probably coming. An entire week of practice, and she was still no closer to developing a stable mindscape.
It was… annoying.
“This isn’t working out.”
“I warned you, girl,” said Maude from beside her. “Developing your mindscape will be a challenging affair for you at this stage.”
“I don’t understand,” Tanya ground out. “I’ve had a proper mindscape since I was thirteen. It took me a month when I started out.”
“Your mind was completely your own when you started out,” said the Oni supportively. “As it is right now, your mind’s psychic architecture is a mishmash of two unique identities. It doesn’t help that both of you have similar spiritual presences. That it subjected you to your worst memories in spectacular fashion over and over has affected your subconscious even more. Frankly, that you even have a mindscape at all is surprising.”
She nodded, but was clearly frustrated. In the abstract, she understood what Maude was saying, but applying it was proving to be incredibly daunting.”
“What you’re telling me, is that my own subconscious is fighting me here?”
The oni shook her head. “Not your subconscious. Your fear. Your mindscape is the subconscious mind’s playground. All your thoughts, your emotions, your fears, your desires, all of them manifest within your mindscape in some form or the other. To have a stable mindscape, you must first gain a stable mind. Your control over your fears is superficial at best, and your emotional spectrum is all over the place. You’ve lost control and cried over seventeen times over the past week.”
Tanya flushed. “I’m trying to face my fears.”
The oni leveled her gaze at her. “You aren’t paying attention. I didn’t say it was just your fears. Your emotions and your desires play an equally vital role. It doesn’t take a genius to see that you’re extremely conflicted about certain things.” She gave her a meaningful look. “Things that have nothing to do with your current fears over the possession attempt.”
Tanya felt her cheeks grow red and looked away.
“I’ve noticed that the Outsider has been spending considerable time with his lonesome,” Maude offered.
Tanya frowned. That much was true. Ever since he had strong-armed Solana over his ultimatum, Lukas had been slightly reclusive. It wasn’t completely out of character for him, if she was being honest. Even when he had been at Banksi Mansion, he had often limited himself to his room, lost in his own thoughts. That deportment had only increased in frequency in the borderland, even when it was just the two of them. Maybe he was thinking of his own world, his lost life. Maybe he was thinking of the goddess and figuring out ways to resurrect her. Maybe he was just studying himself, what with being a walking-breathing world.
But…
Tanya met Maude’s eyes. “Lukas likes his solitude. Nothing weird there.”
“If you say so,” the oni replied teasingly. “Honestly, I was rather surprised to see him behave like that with Leader. It was… deliciously ruthless.”
She licked her lips.
Tanya suppressed the urge to scowl. Knowing the oni, she did that on purpose, just to get a rise out of her. It didn’t help that she felt a wall forming between her and Lukas. He had always been courteous, and maintained a professional distance, but she had often seen him glancing at her back when he thought she wasn’t looking. It was a tiny thing, but it made her feel nice inside. Knowing that someone like him desired her on some level made her feel vindicated.
But now? That desire had vanished from his eyes, and something else had taken its place. Sometimes he’d watch her from a corner, a vivid sadness in his eyes. Like he was feeling guilty or something. Maybe he was feeling guilty of not being able to save her? It certainly didn’t make sense. It wasn’t his responsibility to save her just because she was foolish enough to discard his well-intentioned warnings.
At the same time, she couldn’t help but agree with Maude’s inference. Lukas was perhaps one of the most grounded people she had happened to meet in her lifetime. Oh, he was quick to accelerate a situation when it suited his purpose, and he was perfectly capable of playing the role of a cocky bastard if it meant the other side would be suitably distracted, but in normal conditions, he was almost like a flower-loving pacifist. He… he knew how to fight. How to lead. How to play to his strengths and use his opponent’s weakness against them like a strategist. And he definitely had his heart in the right place, at least enough for most people to think that he suffered from a hero-complex.
But…
There were moments, moments when he had this unsettling far-off look in his eyes when he thought no one was around. It wasn’t an expression a normal person would have. Or should have for that matter.
Instead of a hero, Lukas Aguilar was more akin to a…
Tanya shook her head. She was looking too deeply into things. She already was waist-deep in her own mess to cultivate new ones.
“I’m…” she quickly gathered her thoughts. “I’m more surprised that Solana agreed with it.”
“Leader knows how to pick her fights. I’m sure she’ll try to kill Lukas in the future, for making her go through that if nothing else.”
“Why do you call her Leader?” Tanya asked. “I mean, you—”
“Stood against her?” Maude finished for her. “I did that because I didn’t agree with her on those grounds. But ignoring that, I think she’s doing a fine job.”
“Even now?”
“Especially now,” confirmed the Oni. “Though I think Aguilar is taking an unnecessary risk every time he leaves this place to venture into the anomaly outside.”
Tanya frowned again. That was another thing Lukas had done. He’d leave early on, right after breakfast, terraporting his way out of the colony into the anomaly. She didn’t know what he did there, but he wouldn’t return until it was too late, leaving her with mostly Maude to talk around. On the flip side, she had gotten pretty comfortable around the Oni, but it made her wonder if he was upset with her.
She kept reminding herself how much she had messed up.. That little voice which had berated her repeatedly for not listening to his words and treating Lukas like he had ulterior motives behind his support.
The same voice continued to ask her, even now, how she was ever going to fix things. She had literally revealed her feelings to him the very day she had woken up. She had been willing to leave everything behind, so long as he was with her. It wasn’t quite the passionate declarations they used in those trashy romance novels, but surely it had been enough to get the point across?
Tanya knew that there was only one way she could put things back together, and that was to talk with Lukas. She knew the only way was to get him in a private room and make him talk and listen. She doubted Lukas would attack her if she cornered him like that, but she doubted he’d like it either.
And why should he? It’s not like you’ve given him any reasons otherwise, whispered the voice.
Shut up, me.
“He has his reasons, I suppose.”
“He must,” Maude agreed. “I heard Leader wanted to send a couple of yokai for his protection, but he had told her off, saying that he’d kill off anything she sends after him and absorb it. Leader was not amused.”
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She chuckled.
Tanya pursed her lips. “He’s a private person. And whatever he’s doing out there must be worthwhile.” She hoped her words didn’t sound as bitter as it did inside her head. Damn it.
“As opposed to staying with you?”
“Yes — wait, what?”
Maude laughed, and Tanya burned crimson. The Oni gave her a look of mock sympathy and patted her head. Tanya scowled, but accepted the friendly gesture.
“You really need to end these conflicts, you know,” said the Oni. “For your mindscape, if nothing else. Preferably right now, since Aguilar is about to enter the room right about… now.”
There was a tap on the door.
“Come in,” Tanya said, making sure she sounded casual.
Lukas entered the room, Blob on his heels. The metallic creature had showed a greater sapience ever since she had woken up. Instead of staying around on his body, or pooled together into a metal puddle, it would now take the form of actual creatures and imitate them. Yet, it had still stuck to meowing around.
Seeing a club-wielding, fire-breathing, giant metallic bylestyr meow at a confused Solana had been the highlight of the last battle.
“All right,” said an enthusiastic Maude. “I think that’s enough practice for tonight. We can continue this tomorrow.”
Tanya suppressed a grin. “That’d be better.”
“Oh,” she heard Lukas mutter. “In that case, I guess I’ll be off to my room and—”
“Uh could you stay back?” Tanya asked, sitting up and raising her voice slightly. There, she said it. No going back. She watched the hesitation grow in his features and feared he’d reject her.
“Could we… you know, talk about this tomorrow? It’s already late and I’m tired…”
“It’ll only take a minute,” she said, unwilling to accept defeat so quickly. “I just have a few things to discuss.”
“Discuss?” asked Maude, clearly amused by their byplay. “Is that what they’re calling it these days?”
Tanya did not blush. Instead, she gazed at him and implored. “It won’t take long. I swear.” The growing uncertainty in her stomach was getting distinctly uncomfortable. “Unless you really don’t want to….”
“And that’s my cue,” said Maude, and left the room, leaving her alone with him.
The silence in the room was deafening. She watched him exhale, before he walked towards her and took his place at the corner of her bed, casually erecting a smooth stone pedestal to sit on. The distance was enough for them to hold a conversation comfortably while allowing him to keep her at arm’s reach.
Her stomach did a nasty flip.
“Well?” He asked.
“You don’t look happy,” she began timidly. Lukas took a deep, very audible breath, his face a mask of stone.
“Just tired,” he said. “Had a long day.”
She gave a curt nod at that. He looked haggard. That made her wonder exactly what it was he was doing out there. At the same time, he was refusing to look at her.
“Are… are you really alright?” she stammered. “I have barely…”
Lukas held out a hand to stop her from speaking any further.
“Let’s not dance around it any longer,” he began, his voice low, and a little cold. “I know Inanna didn’t sugarcoat exactly what she did to you, and what she wanted to do with you. And to be honest, part of why I had been so willing to be on your side was because she invested in you. She used her Divinity to seal Everfrost away, and in her absence, I hold the keys to that prison. It’s true that she thought you had a power just as ancient as hers, and she wanted that power in her arsenal, and for that, it was essential that you be protected. So yes,” he met her eyes. “I have been protecting you because of Inanna.”
Something within Tanya broke. She clenched her fists, her eyes glistening.
“But,” said Lukas. “That’s not the only reason.”
“What other reason can there possibly be?” she asked, her voice cracking.
“Because I might have begun with protecting the Everfrost-wielder named Tanya. But somewhere along the line, that changed to being with Tanya, who just was the Everfrost-wielder.”
Tanya blinked. This was absolutely not what she was expecting. “B-but I thought…”
“But you were right,” said Lukas, oblivious to her inner turmoil. “I want to bring Inanna back, and I will do everything I can to bring her back. But that does not mean I agree with what she intends to do with you. Unfortunately, there is no way I can make you believe that.”
“Lukas—” she began, but he cut her off again.
“And you’re right,” he continued. “You know how much Inanna means to me, and so you’ll always be wondering if I’m working on some angle on you. If I’m saying things or doing things just to get you to do something I want you to, I can’t go on like that.” He said, finally looking at her, and Tanya recoiled at the hardness in his eyes.
“I don’t want that,” said Tanya. “Lukas, the things I said back then…”
“Were disgusting,” he stated. Tanya nodded in agreement.
“I — I wasn’t myself. The moment I was in that room, Meynte started affecting me through our connection. It was difficult to know what thoughts were my own and what weren’t. I — I know I should’ve believed you, but it just twisted everything and made me see things differently. Before I knew it, she had already won, and I was lost in my nightmares, until…”
She trailed off and met his eyes again. “Until you saved me.”
He gave her a most curious look, as if checking for signs of deception.
“I’m not stupid, Lukas,” she said, moving towards the edge of the bed. She crawled all the way until she was sitting right next to him. “Even your goddess made it clear what she wanted, and what you wanted. You’ve always fought for me, fought for my ability to choose. No one ever did that for me, not my father, not my family, no one. You were right. Every single person I’ve met has wanted me to do something for them. My father wanted me to be his heir and fulfill his dreams. My grandfather wanted me to be….” she trailed off. “My family only saw me as the heiress. Zuken saw me as an anomaly-killer and a way to strand you. Olfric… he just needed someone to blame. Solana, and your goddess, both want me for what I have, or what I can become. No one has ever wanted Tanya.” She paused. “Except for you.”
Their knees touched.
Lukas stood up, unsure. “B—but I thought — ”
She grabbed his hand. “Do you know how selfish you’re being?”
“Selfish…” He wondered, chuckling slightly. “I suppose I am a little.”
“A little?” she scoffed. “When was there ever a time when you weren’t being selfish?”
He curled an eyebrow.
“Right from the beginning. Sealing Everfrost, protecting me, helping, even flirting… All of that was because of your wishes. Your selfishness. Even in the borderland, you wanted me to be with you. Twisted, selfish you. And then, you saved my life. You gave it meaning. And then you suddenly decided that I cannot trust you anymore, and thus, its okay to just ignore me for a week. Tell me how you’ve been anything but selfish!”
He looked away. “I suppose that is true.”
Her hand crawled up his face to his right cheek.
“Don’t you see?” she asked, tears streaming down her face. “That’s why I love you. Because you’ll let no one take away my choices from me. Just like you wouldn’t ever let anyone trample your wishes. I love that stupid, arrogant, inconsiderate selfishness of yours, even if I know you’ll never love me back.”
Lukas staggered. “You—”
“I love you, Lukas,” said Tanya, her tears still running as both of them stood up, their bodies touching each other. “And I don’t care where your selfishness takes us. So long as you and I are…”
She paused. His finger on her lips made her pause. And when she looked into his eyes, there was a conflict in them.
“I’m…” he began, hesitation clear in his voice. “I have baggage, Tanya. You know some of it, yes, but you do not know what it truly entails. With every single day, I shift from being the person I was to becoming a world. My body, my skills, and even my thought process has changed drastically over the last few months. Did you know back there in the borderland, there was a moment when I actually considered killing Mori and Kradir in cold blood simply because their skills would be a suitable addition to the svartalfar prototype I have within me crafted out of Hreidmar’s soul?”
Tanya widened her eyes. She had not known that.
He chuckled. The smile did not reach his eyes.
“This power within me… it’s not nice. It’s primitive, violent. Sometimes it doesn’t even think, and other times, its thoughts are so alien that you’d think of me as a deranged psychopath. It’s pure instinct, emotion, feeling. And if I let it control me, then bad things can happen.”
She knew what he wanted to say. “You fear you’ll give in and kill me.”
That smile again. “Actually, if there’s one thing I can guarantee, it’s that it will never want me to kill you and gain your skills. End of Potential, remember? Your power is the antithesis of what’s within me. The rest of the world and everything in it is my prey, but you’re my predator.”
A soft smile graced her lips. “Can’t disagree with that. I do want to eat you up.”
She pushed herself into him, her lips twisting into a smile as he snaked his hands around her waist.
“I… I felt the same for you, he admitted. “But I always knew that even if you returned my feelings, I’d never be able to give you what you deserve.”
“But—”
Lukas shook her head, shutting her up.
“My life differs from yours,” he said. “After all this time, you finally know the source of your powers. With Meynte’s skills, with Solana’s tutelage, you’ll be able to ascend to the full might of Fimbulwinter. I know you will. You still have to face your fears, face your grandfather, and fulfill your father’s dream. Become the Wind King. To throw all that away just to be with me on a tireless journey that might lead to nothing is… stupid.”
“But you promised —”
“To be on your side, yes. I’ll help you face your fears. I’ll help you ascend to Fimbulwinter. Whatever I need to do to get you there, I’ll do it. Just like I’ll do everything in my power to get Inanna back, no matter where it takes me.”
Her teary eyes met his resolute ones. “I’m your ally, Tanya, and I always will be. But that’s all I can give you in its entirety. I’m sorry.”
…
…
…
She could have stopped him, knew he’d have stopped if she asked it of him. But she didn’t. Instead, she watched him excuse himself, turn around and walk out, leaving her alone to her thoughts.
He had all but told her he loved her. Maybe not in the way she did, but he loved her in his own roundabout way. And because he did so, he couldn’t give her what she wanted. She could trust him to be on her side, because she knew he would never betray his own ideals. He had gone above and beyond to protect her ability to choose, because he himself would cross all limits to protect his own ability to choose. He would not ask her to be with him, because it would go against everything she had desired all her life, even if it meant that they couldn’t be together.
Even when she won, she lost.
Even when her feelings were being requited, she couldn’t get her happy ending.
Such was her life.
And yet, she thought with a smile. I love him anyway. So what if he cannot love me the way I want it?