If she wasn’t so exhausted, Cat would not have slept at all that night--or rather, morning. She didn’t think she’d be able to, anyway, because the only other time she fell asleep sharing a twin-sized bed with someone was when she was drunk out of her mind, and it was only for a few hours. Sharing a twin bed with someone, and getting any rest from it, sounded like a long shot.

But now, she cursed the sunrise. Peter’s chest and arm were quite comfortable, and waking up to his natural scent, always stained with chlorine, brought a strange wave of peace to her. She’d never woken up like this. Naked, vulnerable, encased in an embrace so warm, so gentle. His breathing rocked her like gentle waves, and while one arm held her back securely away from the freezing cold wall, the other rested on his stomach, inches away from her hand--the hand she’d been holding when she accidentally fell asleep.

Cat glanced up. Even though he wasn’t awake and couldn’t see her, a dark blush rushed over her skin, and she ducked her head a little further into his arm to try and hide her face. Was she supposed to regret this? Scold herself, say this was too fast, or that she should have thought about it longer? None of those thoughts came to mind. None of the guilt and shame that usually accompanied a night like this clutched at her consciousness and stuck. Fleeting thoughts of “You’re going to Hell” and “You’ve ruined your temple and will never be pure again” raced through, but unlike normal, she was able to watch the thoughts disappear. Nothing about what they did could possibly be considered wrong when it felt like that….

Being with Peter wasn’t like the other times she’d been with someone. She wasn’t chasing a feeling of relief, or looking to get rid of an urge. Maybe that’s what made it okay. Everything they did last night was...an amplifier. The tugging rope at her chest didn’t feel quite so aggressive, now. It was as warm as Peter’s shoulders, gentle, pulsing like a heartbeat next to hers. She was so focused on that feeling, she didn’t notice Peter’s breathing change.

“You awake?” he whispered to her. Cat glanced up to him, her nod as small as her smile. His eyelids sagged, red and sleepy, kind of adorable. “Sleep okay?” She nodded again, watching him raise his free hand to rub his face, slow, careful not to nudge her. “Any...second thoughts?” he asked while he couldn’t see her. Peter pursed his lips and took his hand away, but she felt his breath freeze, watched his heartbeat quicken right beside his Adam’s apple.

Cat smiled wider, now, and stretched a little further to try and give him a peck on the lips. But he was so soft, so accepting and warm, that it was a bit longer than intended. She wasn’t quite sure whose fault it was--his for being tired, or hers for being greedy.

“No second thoughts,” she murmured as she pulled away. Watching the relief wash over him made this new feeling in her chest swell. Maybe it wasn’t so much a new feeling, as the feeling she allowed to stay. Before, she tried to get rid of it. But now that she knew it was just him, well….

“That was...a little...unexpected,” he said with a nervous laugh. She shrugged, and adjusted herself so they could both sit up and have a little more space on the bed. She didn’t expect Peter to look so shy, to rub his neck and try to force himself to look at her face more than normal. Cat chuckled. At least he wasn’t obvious in his ogling.

“Well….” She shrugged. How was she supposed to answer that? Now it was her turn to shrink on herself, to look down and pick at Peter’s fingers in her hands.

“What?” He was lucky she was tired, that it was morning, and everything was so new and raw that she had less time to shut it off or close it away.

She shrugged again. “I mean…. I went from...liking two guys for two completely different reasons to finding out they’re the same person.” Unexpected, maybe. But more intense, both in the relief of the simplicity and in the combination of the two extremes, the compounding of everything she thought she knew and felt.

“You really had no idea?” Cat shook her head without looking up.

“I guess I didn’t notice,” she said.

“That sounds about right.” What! Cat snapped her gaze up to him and smacked his arm without hesitation, but this only put him into a fit of laughter. “What, it’s not like you’re the most observant person out there! You survive by shutting people out.” The rope in her chest froze to ice, not by what Peter said now, but by the memory it stirred. Sitting just a few feet away, drinking rum out of a solo cup, arguing with herself over whether or not to drink to Peter’s accusation that she’d never loved anyone. You’re too sarcastic and defensive to ever let anyone in!

Cat swallowed the memory back and looked up at him; it was a struggle to steel herself this early. He noticed her expression, his eyes softening, his thumb gently rubbing hers. He wasn’t going to walk his words back. Why should he?

“I guess I’m not that great at that,” she said through a sigh. Peter still stared. “When did you think you were talking to me?”

He pursed his lips. “Honestly?” She nodded. “Any time you pulled away. I spent the entirety of Winter Break….” A crease formed between his brows; he turned away, favoring a spot on the floor beside the bed. Maybe he remembered her running in, unannounced, that one morning to cry on his floor because she couldn’t handle people finding out about what Nate did, or the rumors that spread because they didn’t. Or maybe he just couldn’t look at her right now. Cat squeezed his hand; even if he wasn’t thinking about everything he did for her, she was, at least. Even if she did push him away. Pushing him away was so much easier, so much safer than accepting everything he gave her and daring to think she might deserve it sometime.

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Peter continued, his mind far away, “But then, when you came back, and you weren’t yourself, and things just...looked like they were getting worse, I kind of forgot. And when you messaged me on Talkative, you were...you.” He paused. “I would have thought that if I was right, you’d be different. Act different. Push me away more. So I told myself you were different people...for the most part.” He didn’t sound finished, so she let his words hang in the air. He returned to looking at her hands, massaging them with his own, keeping himself busy. “And when I thought you were different people, we--physically, anyway--” He gestured between them with their entwined hands-- “we had this...moment. And that awful virtual date after.” He looked at her, watching her cheeks flush.

“That made you think it was me?” The guilt that circled her mind until she thought she’d ruined everything.

“Honestly? Yeah.” Peter shrugged. “I was going to confront you about it….” Was that why he was so pissy that week? Avoiding her and being near her at the same time, being weird? And that “party” they had where it all crested thanks to his stupid secret rum bottle he hid behind the drawers in his desk.

“You did confront me about it,” Cat remembered, gesturing to the floor, as if pointing to that ver moment. “You said--” Peter flinched; his fingers tensed against hers, his face contorting like he was in physical pain.

“I didn’t mean--”

“Yes you did,” she corrected firmly. “But I meant what I said, too. I’m not upset about it.” She waited for him to relax a little, waited for his dimples to show up on his frown. “You weren’t wrong. And I knew that pretty soon after I left.”

He shook his head. “And when you messaged me that night I thought, ’Cat would never. They’re obviously different people.’” His words left a strange feeling in her stomach that she couldn’t put words to. Peter’s hand was loose against hers, his voice growing more and more distant. Cat’s gaze fell to her lap.

“I wouldn’t have,” she agreed with a shrug. “If anyone but you said that to me, I wouldn’t have.” She could feel him stare at her now. “You--” He protected her all through the year, even from their friends. For him to change his tune like that was a shock to her system. But how could she put those thoughts, those feelings into words? “That wasn’t something you’d said to me before,” she settled with. “I didn’t expect it from you. So I guess it got through.” He let out a “hmm” and let silence take over from there. He leaned against his headboard, seemingly lost in thought, and she just stared, watching him breathe.

Eventually she found herself shifting to snuggle up next to him again, even though she knew that her alarm would go off in her bag at any minute now to tell her to get ready for work. And didn’t he have class? Well...any extra moment was nice. She rested her head on his shoulder and let her fingers run up and down the contours of his chest. There was just a little bit of stubble; it made her smile. These moments of the improper and unkept Peter were few and far between, a secret.

“You never actually answered my question,” Peter said suddenly. She blinked.

“What question?” Cat pulled away a bit to look at his face, the pensive curiosity spread between his brows.

“The Never Have You Ever question,” he said. “You just spun it back on me.” Never have you ever been in love. If it weren’t for the default alarm song ringing through the dorm from her bag at that exact moment, Peter might have been able to see the absolute panic that overtook her body.

“Shit,” she muttered. He maybe thought it was about getting ready for work. She was absolutely not freaked out about that. She was far more freaked out about the memory of why she wasn’t able to answer that question, because she wasn’t sure about how strong her feelings were for Pumpkin--now Peter. All of the panic within a split second was hidden because of her stupid job that revolved around people too lazy to make their own coffee.

“Maybe we can meet later,” he offered as she climbed off of his bed.

“After my class?” she asked as she glanced around for her clothes. Underwear? Check. “I know I didn’t book you for tutoring, but I need to work on that extra credit….” Aha, found the bra! But where was her dress?

Peter let out a laugh, which she figured had to do with the fact that he found her dress when he looked up to the bookshelf that floated over his bed. He pulled it off and tossed it to her, fully grinning.

“You never looked at your grade,” he said without question. Cat blinked at him as she pulled down the hem of her dress. She didn’t need to answer, he just kept laughing at her. “Cat, you got a B.”

“What?” was her response. She stared at him for a moment before her phone chimed again. “I--I what?”

“You got a B,” he repeated.

“I got a B….” After she shut off her phone, she spotted her text book with her papers haphazardly shoved inside. She slipped it out to look at it. “How….” As she asked the question, she saw, marked in red pen on her exam, why. The professor curved the grade. She didn’t even finish the test and she got a B on top of the curve?

“Alright, I’ve got to get ready, too. I’ve got class.” Right on cue, Peter’s phone started to buzz from his pile of pants on the floor. Right as he jumped down, he let out an “ouch!” Cat shoved the test back in her bag and swung it on her shoulder, still blinking in surprise. “Stupid buttons….”

“Sorry about your shirt,” she said. He just laughed and grabbed his pile of clothes off the floor, kicking her shoes at her all the while.

“You hate my clothes. Seems like if you can’t bleed on them, you’ll just rip them apart.” Cat erupted into laughter as she slid on her shoes, then stepped up to him for a kiss.

“Then stop dressing like a dumbass. See you later.” She giggled and headed to the door, just in time for him to throw a loose button at the door frame. “And learn how to aim. Thank God you’re not a basketball player.” At the sound of his “pff,” she just let out a laugh and shut the door behind her.