Cat found herself lamenting about how not every person was as successful at compartmentalizing as PumpkinKing. Peter and Cam continued being pissy and grumpy, even through the group chat, even when Kelsey admitted she had the worst flu ever. They weren’t even sympathetic. They just answered with one or two words. The girls eventually switched to a different text chat, their patience running thin. Hannah wasn’t able to truly find anything about why they were being terrible, either. But she reassured Kelsey and Cat she would get to the bottom of it eventually. She had at least uncovered that Cam and Peter weren’t fighting, just both equally sour about something. Cat decided not to think about it that much. Figuring out what made Peter mad was just a matter of throwing a dart at a random topic; figuring out what made him mad was a waste of time. Maybe someone sneezed on him when he was a baby or something. The only concern was Cam’s uncharacteristic lingering irritation...but Hannah would deal with that.
There were other things to worry about...like an upcoming virtual date.
I have a question, Cat decided to ask Pumpkin on Thursday night before bed.
?
Why are you so cool with not meeting in person? Maybe Hannah’s guesses were right, and he had Leprosy or was allergic to the sun. But Pumpkin replied without hesitation.
’Cause it’s not that big of a deal. Now Cat replied with a question mark. I’d rather talk to you forever and not know your name than not talk to you again. Plus, it’s not like the world is safe or anything. “Talk to you forever.” The thought made Cat’s cheeks burn.
It’s just weird you’re cool with it, she typed back.
I’ve known enough people to know not everyone is who they say they are. That was a charged response.
What do you mean?
Friends of mine have been hurt just by expecting others to be decent. So this isn’t a big deal. His answer didn’t seem complete, but it wasn’t proper to pry. I know it’s a lot riskier for girls. Guys are creeps. It was a relief for him to acknowledge her fears, though. His answers satisfied her enough to repeat to Hannah when she finally returned from class.
“Hey, Cat,” Hannah asked after she changed and got ready for bed. “If you end up not ever wanting to meet this guy, can I have him?”
“Pfff.” She didn’t even justify that with a real response. As if she’d let someone as good as him get away like that. Just because she was moving slow didn’t mean she didn’t want to move at all.
“Oh!” And, as if someone flipped a switch, Hannah animated again, pointing to her roommate as she jumped on her own bed. “I found out, before I got here, why Peter and Cam are so pissy.”
“Oh?” Cat sat up, now, her curiosity getting the better of her. “Did someone piss in their Cheerios or something?”
“They got benched from water polo until further notice.” Hannah covered her mouth with her hands, as if the words she just said were too much for one sentence.
"What?" Cat’s phone fell out of her lap when she gasped. “What for?”
“I don’t know everything, but they’re not the only ones,” her roommate continued, but her excitement dwindled. This wasn’t good. Sweat started gathering at Cat’s hairline before Hannah even said anything more, as if she could predict what was going to be said. “Nate, too. Thomas said they all tried to get into a fight. Cam said something, Nate retaliated, and you know Peter--” She gestured with her hand, but Cat shrugged; she was getting lightheaded. “Oh, well, you mess with Cam, you get Peter twice as bad. Nate started getting up in Cam’s face, so Peter pushed him away, and apparently Nate pushed him back, and Cam went to jump in when they started to get at it, but then Thomas was there and just stopped it right there.” The girls sat on their respective beds, blinking at each other, for a full minute before Cat finally thought she might as well voice her concerns, her voice bubbling over with nerves.
“What, do you think it was...about…?” She didn’t normally speak that high, but her throat was too tight. Hannah bit her lip and shrugged.
“I think...that’s a fair guess....” And Thomas had no idea. The knots in her stomach didn’t stop wrestling about until she managed to fall asleep.
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Friday morning, the stomach cramps only intensified as she waited for her very first therapy appointment. Naomi was so nice from before, but now she had to see a Dr. Lisa Harvey--what if she wasn’t as nice? What if she diagnosed her with Chronic Idiot Syndrome or something? It didn’t help that she knew she had to explain what brought her here in the first place. And even thinking about it, the way it lingered in her head from what she discovered last night--if she was this affected by an adjacent event that had nothing to do with her, would she even be able to speak?
Opening that up...and with the possibility of this awful secret spreading into everyone else’s life, tainting everything…. Would it even be a secret anymore? Did she have to wear this experience on her sleeve for everyone to see?
Her spiraling worries were interrupted by a text alert from Cam.
Dont get mad but we need to talk about the stuff u dont want to talk about. Like now.
But before she could even think to reply, her name was called. Walking behind the woman hardly registered. A high-pitched screech completely took over her senses, numbed her limbs and left everything hazy and white. Was this really happening?
Dr. Harvey had a soft voice, but none of her words got through. Cat tried to pay attention, but only managed to nod ever-so-slightly to whatever the doctor said. Her fingers went numb. Her arms tingled. When did she sit down? This room was bright and cheerful, but so blurry around the edges. Dr. Harvey’s face kept swirling and swirling, her dark curls expanding and contracting until finally they speckled all of Cat’s vision.
“...breathing,” was all that she heard. Breathing…. One, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four. In, two, three, four. It wasn’t in Peter’s voice this time, but her body still obeyed, sucking in air through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. Pins and needles pricked her limbs, waking them from a long slumber. Eventually, Cat realized she had her eyes shut tightly, and every single muscle in her body was clenched as if it would protect her from the memories that threatened the edge of her consciousness.
She slowly let herself return to reality, to the doctor that sat beside her. Her dark hand rubbed Cat’s shoulder gently in time with her instructions. Though Cat now could consciously try to relax herself, she now trembled like a leaf. All it took was the idea of talking about what happened, and she was reduced to a shivering mess. This thought, at least, sparked something inside her chest.
“I shouldn’t have to feel like this,” Cat blurted after a deep breath. Her hands reached up to wipe at her cheeks, and the salty residue of tears only made her grit her teeth. “I wasn’t like this before!” Dr. Harvey’s hand disappeared, replaced with a question too quiet to hear. But Cat knew what she was asking.
If it weren’t for the twinge of familiar anger, she might not have said anything. But the urge to scream fueled her to recount the events of last year, of that stupid party that had too much of an effect on how she saw herself. As Cat caught up to the most recent events, to the point where Hannah told her about why Cam and Peter may have been benched from water polo, her phone vibrated with Cam’s name flashing on the screen. He’d been calling her, texting her, and she somehow managed to shove the realization away until now.
“Is that important?” Dr. Harvey asked now that Cat glanced at her phone.
“It’s bad news,” Cat answered her before swiping the notification away. She was physically exhausted, her limbs heavy, her eyes tired and struggling to stay open. “It’s--it’s my friend telling me he got in trouble for defending me. He got benched in water polo for arguing with...him.” She sniffled, and went to swipe away another, but hesitated. This was a text.
Peter’s getting sent to tribunal.
What?
Dr. Harvey said something that Cat didn’t quite hear. The shock at the text was the only thing that kept her from sobbing again.
“I--” The screen vibrated in her hand. Another text. Idk if I’m getting sent yet. Thomas is pissed. Thomas was pissed? Thomas? He had no idea what even happened! “What a fucking idiot,” she muttered to herself. “Stupid--he--” Cat looked up to Dr. Harvey, her cheeks burning. “The captain of the water polo team is sending them to Tribunal for this. He doesn’t even know anything!” Dr. Harvey’s look of sympathy didn’t calm her down. “If he had any idea, he’d--” He’d what?
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
“Any idea…?” Dr. Harvey interrupted with a look of curiosity. “That your friend…?” She gestured with her hand, urging Cat to finish her sentence.
“I--I don’t even know,” she whispered. “I don’t even know if he’d believe me.” The doctor shifted in her seat. Her pen tapped her clipboard as she waited for Cat to say something else. But she remained silent.
Dr. Harvey prompted, “Are you afraid he’d find out, or that he wouldn’t believe you if you told him?” The question stuck to Cat’s mind like glue. Was this what she was doing? Hiding this from everyone, so that if they didn’t believe her, she wouldn’t have to deal with the disappointment? If she never said anything, she didn’t have to admit it ever happened out loud. She’d never have to face her dad, to watch him stare at her like she failed him. She’d become another statistic. He thought she was smarter than that. But she went and let herself….
“Why would he believe me?” Her voice sounded pathetic. Like she’d given up. “Why wouldn’t he--why wouldn’t he just think it’s my fault?” Did she really say that? How could she call herself a feminist if she kept thinking like this?
“Why would he think it’s your fault? You are the victim.” The doctor took a beat of silence to let the words sink in. For the briefest moment, the words remained. “You don’t have to tell anyone anything. You don’t have to press charges, you don’t have to tell your family or friends. But you have to at least acknowledge it, or this experience could take over your life. I get a feeling it already has.”
“I--I don’t want to….” She sounded like a child, sinking into the plush armchair like this.
“Dislocated shoulders don’t heal unless you set them,” said Dr. Harvey. “But they do heal, once you do.” The doctor pursed her lips together and leaned forward a bit, as if encouraging Cat to do the same. “What do you think the first step to healing might look like?”
After a heavy sigh, Cat shut her eyes. No more tears fell, but her sadness branched through to her shaking limbs, slow and tingling. She had to tell Thomas. She couldn’t let this...poison spread any further. Tribunal? What would that mean for everything else--for their scholarships, for school?
“I need to talk to Thomas,” she admitted aloud. Dr. Harvey shifted in her seat.
“Is that a step for your healing, or is that a step for mitigating your friends’ troubles?” Oh. Hm. Cat shrugged. That’s why she was here, wasn’t it? To figure out how to get better? The doctor continued, “We can outline a plan next time. I’m afraid we’re at a stopping point now.” The doctor reached a hand to her desk for an agenda. “But I think a great thing for now, at least until we can meet again, would be compassion for yourself. You went through something scary, it’s okay to be scared. It’s completely normal.” Dr. Harvey’s words were said in passing, but throughout the entire process of scheduling another appointment for next week, the words echoed in Cat’s head, over and over again. Why had that thought never occurred to her before?
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A short nap after therapy did nothing to make her feel any more rested. Everything hurt, pulsated from being tense for so long. It was like she did a triathlon without any of the added benefit of eventually getting stronger for it. But just for today, she was able to put the aches to the back of her mind while she focused on something else. Something a little more pressing.
She never replied to Cam; she didn’t know what to say. “Hey, Cam, try not to worry about it, I’m gunna go tell Thomas everything and hope he believes me so you don’t get kicked out of school”? Didn’t exactly roll off the tongue.
It was a half hour before water polo was expected to start, and Cat made her way down to the pool in her workout clothes, just in case Peter or Cam showed up while she was talking to Thomas. Needed a good excuse to just run away suddenly, if they decided to head to practice early. But, seriously, who would want to swim in muggy, cold weather like this? She didn’t even want to change out of her sweatshirt, let alone pretend she was exercising.
God granted her a boon for her efforts: right as Cat headed down the hill to pass by the locker rooms, Thomas stepped out, towel thrown over his shoulder, hair cap in hand. Despite the feeling of all the air in her throat escaping, she called his name, gentle, but loud enough for him to hear. He spun around, and upon looking at her, his eyes widened. Oh, God. What were people saying if she got that reaction?
“Can--can I talk to you for a minute? It will be really quick,” she said as she finished making her way down the hill. Thomas looked over his shoulder, as if he was caught doing something wrong. He tensed when she finally got to him, adjusted his towel so that it covered his bare chest completely. It would have hurt less if he just called her disgusting and got on with his life.
“Um--” What could Nate have said to make her so repulsive?
“Come here,” she interrupted, urging him to at least step out of the path of the door to the locker rooms. He was so slow and hesitant. Nate had months to drag her name through the mud…. She’d hoped that crying earlier would mean that she could get through this without showing any weakness...but already, her eyes burned, her hands shook.
Thomas crossed his arms, but stepped to the side, silent, waiting for Cat to speak. But just based on how his feet were pointing as far away from her as possible, she could tell this might not work out so well.
“I--” Cat choked on her words already, but sucked in a breath. “Please don’t tell anyone what I’m telling you. I’m only saying something because I heard you want to send Peter and Cam to Tribunal--but you should know everything first.”
Thomas cocked his head to the side, squinting. “How did you hear about…?”
“S-so you remember that party last year? The water polo party?” It was so hard to look up at his face. Her eyes physically hurt, but when she glanced up to him, it seemed to soften his edges just a little.
“The one I hosted?” Blood drained from her face. “What?”
“You--” Her heartbeat thundered in her ears, booming louder than his reply. “You’re roommates--you’re roommates with Nate.” Thomas adjusted his weight, frowning.
“Mmhmm.”
“Oh, God….” There was no way this was going to work. He jabbed a thumb behind himself, indicating to the pool.
“I have some preparations to make, so….”
Somehow, through her shaking, Cat sucked in a breath to speak. “I only had two beers that night.” She now shut her eyes and clenched her fists. Speaking these words, now, to a virtual stranger, felt like clawing through a thick wall of clay. “A-a-a-and I don’t remember it.” Maybe that was all she had to say. But when she opened her eyes and let a tear spill onto her cheek, Thomas only looked like he was waiting for her to continue. But the wall was too thick. Her lips wouldn’t part.
“What are you...are you implying something?” Thomas prompted finally. Cat nodded. He pursed his lips and continued to survey his surroundings, but eventually regarded her again. “What does this have to do with...everything else?” Seriously? Was he that stupid? Couldn’t put two and two together? Peter and Georgia saw her with Nate for two seconds and they could figure it out.
Cat grit her teeth and leaned into the frustration of having to explain herself. At least she could stand a little taller when she wanted to shake some sense into him. “Nate got me my second beer after I turned him down.” Now Thomas’ expression turned to something darker, his jaw clenched. His defensiveness intensified her trembling; suddenly, she had more energy to get through this.
“If you’re suggesting--”
“I’m not suggesting anything,” she interrupted sharply. “I only got out of that party because Peter and Georgia carried me when I was too drugged out of my mind to walk myself.” Before Thomas could even register what she said, Cat took a step forward and fully stared into his eyes, desperate, her lips curled in disgust. “Georgia found me when Nate was trying to--” Her mouth clamped shut, but she pried it open anyway while she had his undivided attention. “He was taking me to his--” When another tear fell down her cheek, Thomas raised a hand to indicate she didn’t have to say anything else.
“What you’re saying….” Oh, come on. “That’s a serious accusation….” Cat fought the urge to sock him in the jaw.
“Why would I lie about this?”
He shrugged. “To protect your friends--” The sound that came out of her mouth did not sound human--Thomas actually took a step back, eyes wide.
“And why would Cam and Peter--Peter--of all people, feel the need to defend me so strongly, huh? If I was lying, why would they get into it in the first place?” His gaze dropped to the floor, but he kept his arms crossed. Cat released her stare at him, confident that he at least didn’t fully believe Nate’s version of the tale. “Don’t send them to Tribunal for this.”
Thomas hesitated. “I don’t--I already submitted my request to the Coach….”
“So you’re cool with living with a rapist, then?” Her words shocked Thomas into looking at her again. “You’re cool with defending Nate and letting Peter and Cam get hung out to--”
“Wait--did Nate actually…? Or did he just drug you?” If someone else’s future wasn’t on the line for anything she said, Cat may have actually committed murder. The moment he said it, he seemed to regret it, but she was already on fire from his response.
“What kind of person keeps date rape drugs at his house, Thomas? Unless they’re yours?”
“No--!”
“Get your head out of your ass, then!” she shouted. “You think people just try something like that once to see if it’s for them? Jesus Christ!” She wasn’t aware of it, but somewhere while she shouted at him, she stepped closer for every step back he took. “Are you going to keep letting him get away with this?”
“I--I--I don’t know--” Thomas flung his arms out, seemingly defeated. “I don’t know what I can do! I mean--”
“The very least you can do is not punish the people protecting me!” When did she suddenly feel so confident? Why did she suddenly know, from the depths of her core, that Thomas was going to go to the coach and rescind his request for Tribunal? As her gaze thawed him from freezing in place, Cat removed her target from him and gave him several steps of space. He was silent, not looking at her, but instead wrestling with these new demons in his mind. He didn’t seem to have a response, and she’d spent all the rest of her energy by yelling at him. Before she could turn around and walk up the hill, Thomas asked, “Is this why you don’t run anymore?”
“What?” She turned back to him, thoroughly confused.
“You used to run last semester. We’d see you every Thursday while we practiced.” What in the world? Cat could only stare at him. “That was you, right?”
“I--yeah--how--?” She glanced from the track to the pool. There was a good enough distance that someone would have to actively look for her to notice she was one running. Thomas managed a small laugh.
“Cam pointed you out at the beginning of the year, and you were always so punctual, so it’d be like--Cat’s here, time to start practice. Oh, Cat’s done running, time to switch sides.” Despite the drying tears on her cheeks, the feeling that she would collapse any minute, Cat actually laughed.
“I, um, don’t have that class this semester….” Though her smile faded when she realized why she never kept up her goal of continuing. “But...I’ve been….” She blinked back another tear. “It’s been a tough year.” And that was all she was willing to say on the matter.