Space…a fertile frontier. At this time, only 2% of the universe is known. This is the record of the starship Adventure and its crew…whose four year mission is to check out at least 1% more…and try not to get ourselves killed while doing it…
(Cue Siren-like singing over top of orchestral music while the title screen drops)...
Oops…my mistake. I read too far. You’ll have to forgive my long pauses in speech…Sometimes I…stop and think…to make sure the next thing that comes out of my mouth is…charming and believable.
I want to welcome you aboard my ship, the Adventure…well, it’s not really my ship. Just sort of on loan from the Galactic StarForce. They…tend to do that for graduates of the academy such as myself. Though I’m not quite sure why it's called the Galactic StarForce, when it’s really just earth. Seeing as how we’ve only made limited contact with other worlds…hence the purpose of this mission.
Speaking of the mission…it’s four years. Four long, arduous, celestial years. That’s how long the GSF thinks it will take us to chart out another 1% of the universe…or at least the time until the next administration gets voted in and possibly cuts the fleet's budget.
But enough about that…time for you to meet me and my crew. My name is Captain Clark. Lane Clark…my outward appearance is that of a thirty year old white man…but my wisdom is that of a 90 year old Chinese wiseman. That’s what put me as number one on this vessel. Not just the charm…not just the veneer of a dashing young star warrior. My mind and intuition guide this expedition. But even I can’t do it alone…
This stalking looking individual is number two, the First Officer of the Bridge, Beta Cole…at least that's what he’s going by right now. Do not be deceived by his outward appearance of a nerdy looking white kid. He’s actually a highly advanced A.I. that incubates in an organic body made from Beta male leftovers. He started as a companion chatbot until someone at StarForce deemed him interesting enough to give him a body and autonomy. Personally, I don’t like the guy, and if it were up to me, his name wouldn’t follow mine in the credits…but professionally, he’s the best. Now you might be asking yourself, ‘How is it that in a racially unified and harmonious world do two white guys still end up running the show?’ And to that I say…I don’t know, but I suppose even in a post-scarcity society, the cream still rises to the top…
Next up is the lovely Lieutenant Fatemah Ahura. Hailing from Persian ancestry, her long black hair, olive complexion, and voluptuous figure are accentuated by the skin tight uniform she dons rather than the miniskirts most of the other female crew choose to wear. Her bold attitude and stupendous intellect are what landed her the position of number three…not to mention her bodacious glutes, her perky and ample bosom that is leveraged forward by the locate cropping of her outfit…
“Goddammit Clark! Are you fawning over Lieutenant Ahura again?”
Ah, and there’s number four. Who is jealous that he’s not number three and Fatemah is. Doctor Dennis Hatfield, the Chief Science Officer aboard the ship. He’d have easily been third in rank if it weren’t for his cantankerous attitude. Besides, not only is Miss Ahura perfectly capable of the job…she also happens to be the only vixen above the rank of Ensign on the ship that I haven’t had sex with.
“No Doc…I was merely logging important details regarding the nature of our mission” I said sternly.
“Oh yeah,” he gruffed, “well need I remind you of why you joined StarForce to begin with?”
“Of course not…I did so to have sex with promiscuous alien chicks…I mean…To boldly go where no man has gone before!” I corrected him.
“Son of a bitch!” He shouted, while slapping his forehead, “Dammit Clark, I’m a Doctor, not a chaperone. At least let us get out of our own solar system before taking it out of your pants.”
…Moving right along. This brings us to our ship's Pilot, Lieutenant Hector Rivera.
(Incoherent Spanish)
The last of the diversity hires before StarForce phased out the program in favor of more…utilitarian methods of recruitment, Hector has a long line of a hispanic cultural tradition his family has kept for generations…never learning english…
(More Spanish)
“Captain, we’re coming up on Saturn now,” a female computer voice, translating for Hector, said.
Nonetheless, I still find him to be a damn good Officer and pilot.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
“Excellent Mr. Rivera. Slow the ship down, so that we may gaze upon the glory of Saturn's rings.”
(Spanish) Translation: Yes Captain Clark.
“Captain, I’ve opened the communication lines to receive any messages we may receive while idling here in space,” remarked Lt. Ahura.
“Hmm, isn’t it beautiful…the way those astral globes exude radiance.”
“Captain,” she scoffed, “the window is that way…”
“Ah, yes, the vastness of space. Umm, you were saying Miss Ahura…communications?”
“Yessir,” she continued, “StarForce has determined that the many radio and television signals sent out from earth of the past couple centuries have influenced other civilizations towards our language. In layman's terms, other life forms we encounter may very well be able to communicate with us.”
“Astounding…the friggin aliens can speak English but our pilot can’t,” I said under my breath whilst glancing towards Hector.
“It’s also possible that our influence may have had a profound impact on the cultures of many worlds that are not yet even known to us.”
“Duly noted Lieutenant. What say you and I take an early leave and come back up to the Bridge once we reach Uranus?”
She looked aggressively at me.
”Okay, Pluto then…”
Suddenly, a large screen turned on and a young man in a panic started screaming, “Captain Clark! The Adventure is losing power and I fear we may be getting caught in Saturn's Gravitational pull!”
“...Excuse me…who exactly are you?” I asked.
“Captain, that’s Sparky, the Engineer,” Beta Cole reminded me.
“...There’s black people on this ship?” I questioned, in sheer surprise.
“Jesus fucking christ Clark! There’s no time for this! That gas giant is gonna swallow us whole if we don’t restore power soon!” shouted the Doctor, who was on the Bridge still for some reason.
“It’s…alright…I…have a plan,” I muttered.
“What is it?” asked Ahura.
I turned to her and leaned in for a kiss. But she pushed me away before I could land it.
Suddenly, I felt a squeeze on my shoulder. It was Beta Cole.
“That is illogical, captain. Now is not the proper time for copulation,” he expressed.
“Beta…what are you doing?”
“I am using a Krav Maga technique to immobilize you until you return to your senses,” he responded in a very nerdy tone.
“Beta, have you ever tested this technique physically? Or is this just something from our memory banks?”
He hesitated before replying, “...Just my memory banks.”
I reached over and grabbed his wrist with only my thumb and index finger. As I removed his grip from my shoulder, easily, like taking an unwanted tomato off of a sandwich, I said, “Beta…you have to apply pressure for that to work.”
“Sorry sir,” he moped.
(Slew of Spanish) Translation: The primary and secondary thrusters are at full throttle but we are quickly being pulled into Saturn's atmosphere.
“Captain, we need to do something quickly!” shouted Ahura.
Running out of time…this was only supposed to be a prologue. I haven’t…even finished my tour of the ship yet. Oh god! I just realized…the original main character doesn’t always survive the pilot of his own show!
Just when things looked bleak, suddenly, we felt the pull of the ship ease up. All of us looked around, unsure what had happened.
“Sir, we’re being hailed,” noted Ahura.
“On screen number 3.”
The large screen then switched from the cowering Sparky in the engine room over to three gray, slender aliens, with large black eyes. The one in the middle began to speak…
“Nyah, see. We decided to make ourselves known and pull you out of Saturn's gravitational pull,” they said, in what sounded like a bad Bugsy Siegal impersonation.
“Who are you? And why did you help us?” I asked.
“Nyah, we’re Zeta Reticuli. We’ve been monitoring your planet since the turn of your 19th century. Your radio signals were most peculiar to us, so we decided to get a closer look at yous mugs. Once we deciphered the language, we tuned in regularly to your mid century radio dramas. It had a profound effect on our culture, see. When we learned you were attempting a space faring mission to explore outside your known solar system, we chose to help you out rather than get rubbed out on your first outing.”
“I see. Well, thank you very much. Is there anything we can do to repay you?” I asked.
The three aliens all looked at each other, then the one on the left responded in a Groucho Marx voice, “Well there is one thing…”
We waited a moment in silence before I coaxed him on, “...and?”
“We did a little research on you Captain Clark and we see that you were a bit of a thespian before joining StarForce. We were wondering…could you do some Shakespeare for us?”
Everyone fell silent, and my crew looked at me. Finally, I said, “Sure!”
The aliens started to cheer and then added, “Please do Hamlet. And don’t half ass it…you do and I’ll sue.”
So for the next half hour, I did my third best talent…reciting Shakespear.
After we made our acquaintances more formal with the Zeta Reticuli, we began to part ways and continue our journey beyond our solar system. Before leaving however, the Zeta warned us about something…
“There are many worlds. Some, friendly and some, not so friendly, see. But one thing we highly advise against is this…don’t trust the Felion Empire.”
“The..Felion Empire?” I prodded.
“Nyah, see…it’s a race of territorial cat people. They’re super aggressive and cunning. You’re also gonna want to have sex with their leader, Catalina. But don’t fall for it. She’s a vicious war lord and she’ll follow the Adventure through space like a loose ball of yarn, see.”
I looked around and saw my crew giving me death stares, but responded hesitantly, “I’ll be sure to be careful.”
And so ended our first foray into vast reaches of space…even though it was still within our solar system…and we hadn’t even passed Neptune yet…and we almost died.