Perspective: Zarenna

I kept my eyes on Seyari’s back for a moment more before turning to face her. I couldn’t imagine the pain of cutting off your own limbs. Or the opinion you’d need to have of yourself to consider the act justifiable. We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment. I tried to lighten the mood.

“Told you I wouldn’t leave,” I smirked.

“I didn’t think you would,” Seyari replied with a half-smile.

Wordlessly, I pulled her closer and she leaned into the embrace. Her head came up to just below my chin. Her long, unbraided silver hair brushed softly against my skin.

I thought back to what she told me as silence stretched on and the night sky brightened at the corners. I hadn’t expected a life story, but I couldn’t express how I felt at being the first person she told. I didn’t doubt Seyari’s age of thirty-three was from the time of her escape and self-mutilation.

Fatigue washed over me in waves. Beneath me, Seyari’s breathing slowed and her posture slumped. As carefully as I could and mindful of my claws, I got up and held her in a princess carry.

I didn’t have the energy to go anywhere today either, but both of us would benefit from some form of shelter.

Seyari yawned. “We should rest.”

Her voice was soft and tired.

“I know. We will,” I replied quietly.

Carefully, I made my way down the dune to the sheet of glass I’d made. I picked it up, grabbing one end with my tail and the other with my two free hands. Surprisingly, it looked to be at least a finger width thick. Good.

I moved back up the slope a short distance and buried the long side of the sheet into the sand. The partially-fused sheet was mostly opaque, but still I covered the top in sand. Using our packs to support the sides, I made a small space and set Seyari inside.

She was still fighting sleep and grew restless when I had to break contact to finish packing the sides around the packs. The end result of my work was a small cave of sorts, not quite enough for me to fit inside with her, but better shelter and cover than nothing.

Hopefully any flying bound demons sent out to look over the area would look over the spot. Probably not, but it was shelter from the morning sun and I was too tired to care. At least my time on my island had taught me a thing or three about improvised shelter.

Our shelter done, I crawled in and laid next to Seyari. I had to scoot in close enough to be touching, but she snuggled against me. I pulled her slightly closer and managed to get myself under cover except my tail. I pulled it up and over both of us before letting sleep take me. Despite the sand everywhere and the raft of recent trauma, I felt perhaps the most comfortable since my rebirth.

Soon, I drifted off to sleep. Perhaps unburdened by stress and urgency, my mind wandered into dreams I’d not had since I left my island.

***

Beside me, Tania said something as we walked through the weekend market. I was taking care of her today with both of our parents working. She was short. I was short, too. Well, shorter than I thought I ought to be. Tania pointed to a stall across the square excitedly.

In front of the stall, I looked at the honeyed sweets on display. We really shouldn’t, but just this once wouldn’t hurt.

I opened my mouth to order. The voice that came out was all wrong. Confused, I reached up and grasped my throat. My hand brushed across stubble and panic rose up.

Tania asked what was wrong. The stall owner stared. I tried to say what was wrong, but I couldn’t talk. Horrible noises escaped me, turning to coughing. I started to choke and fell to the ground. Around me, I could see faces. They held only disgust.

Tania had faded away somewhere, lost behind the wall of people crowding around me. Blood starting pouring from my mouth as I continued to choke. It pooled around me, crimson and bright. Then it moved up and around my body. My form shifted and contorted.

There was no pain. My spine cracked and expanded. Another pair of arms pushed out. A familiar tail grew from the base of my spine. The coughing stopped.

Around me, the disgust turned to fear and hatred. People screamed and ran. Flames licked around my body. I felt myself move to go after the fleeing people. Wrathful and vindictive. To punish.

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A hand grabbed one of mine. I whirled on who had grabbed me. Their hand slipped out of mine and grazed a claw.

Abby stood there looking at me. Her hand was bleeding, but she paid it no mind.

Her green eyes stared into mine. “Are you okay? Tania was scared when you collapsed.”

Her clear words cut through the fog in my mind.

“Your hand!” That I’d caused my best friend harm turned my stomach.

“Will be fine. Now come on! Your sister’s worried sick.” Abby took my hand again and pulled me back to the center of the square.

Tania sat on the rim of a fountain nearby, munching on a handful of candied walnuts. She smiled when she saw us.

“Aren’t you scared?” I asked Abby.

“Why would I be?” Abby tilted her head in confusion.

“Because I’m a demon?”

“Yeah? And? If you think people are gonna be bothered by it, just put your glamour on.”

“I hate my glamour!”

“Why?”

I woke up with a start.

***

I felt warm sun on my back. I was in the dune shelter with Seyari, the big spoon to her little one. My friend (girlfriend?) was still asleep, breathing soundly.

Some distant instinct tried to recoil at her angelic nature. I shut that feeling down, swiftly and with prejudice.

I still felt tired, but I wasn’t sure if I could go back to sleep. The last part of my dream stayed bright in my mind. Abby’s last question rattled around my head.

Why did I hate my glamour?

That my arms, tail, and horns experienced discomfort was a sure part of it, but the reason was honestly deeper than that. I hadn’t hated my glamour at first. Disliked it, certainly, but I hadn’t truly hated it until I met other people.

Why?

I really wished Seyari would wake up right then. I’d would very much have liked an excuse to keep putting this off. I wasn’t that lucky though.

Why?

My mind wasn’t going to let this one go. I thought about why I hated my glamour, besides than discomfort. I felt dishonest hiding that I was a demon. True, but not the problem. I wasn’t at all bothered by the fake names we’d taken in Baetnal. My glamour made me weaker. Accurate, but if I was fighting as a human, I wouldn’t want to access my full power anyway.

I felt like a fake.

My heart clenched and my tail tip twitched. That was the reason.

Why did I feel like a fake?

Because I wasn’t really a woman. I was an imposter. A pervert. Everyone would treat me like the fake I was if they only knew.

My own thoughts were a punch to the gut. As a demon, I could put myself outside humanity. A persona. An act. I could hide from reality. I was too different to be an imposter as a demon.

But my human glamour wasn’t.

My human glamour looked mostly like human me. Female me. Everything I ever wanted to look like. Like how I felt I should have looked.

Like I don’t deserve.

Seyari stirred in my arms, quickly waking.

“Zarenna. Air,” she said in a pained voice.

I realized I’d been squeezing her tighter and tighter and released my arms as fast as I could. Seyari took a deep breath.

“Fucking hell,” she coughed. “What a way to wake up. You probably would’ve crushed a full human.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

My mind was still in my own melancholy. I was certain Seyari wouldn’t be able to love me knowing what I really was.

“No. None of that.” Seyari’s said in a concerned voice. “Something’s eating you. Spit it out.”

I locked up.

“I wasn’t asking,” Seyari continued, turning awkwardly to stare straight into my eyes. “After last night, I’m pretty sure you could tell me anything and I’d be fine with it.”

My reply came immediately, without any processing input from my brain.

“I was a man before I became a demon!” I blurted out.

“Wait, really?” Seyari looked confused.

“Well, uh, I was born a man. Had a guy’s body. You know…”

“Not really. I’ve never had a dick,” Seyar responded with a smile. “But seriously, that’s it? Tons of people are born with a body that’s not right.”

“But—”

“But what?”

I started to stammer. “But, I—I’m not really—”

“A girl? Bullshit. You’re as much a woman as any other woman I’ve known. It wouldn’t matter even if you looked like Torrez. And you really don’t look like Torrez.”

“So I’m really…” I trailed off, unwilling to speak further.

“Yeah, you are. Fucking say so.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m a woman.”

“Good. Keep going.”

Deep breaths. “I’ve always been a woman. I was born in a man’s body, but that doesn’t matter!”

Seyari turned around as much as she could in the small shelter. “See, was that really so hard?”

“No,” I paused for a moment to think, “it really wasn’t.”

It was. Well, the words weren’t hard, but saying them honestly felt like the hardest thing I’d ever done. Now that they were out? I think I believed them.

“Are you sure?” Seyari caught my lie.

“No. That was the hardest damn thing ever.” I shook my head.

“But it’s done now, right?” she asked me, eyes searching my expression.

“I don’t know? I think so.”

I certainly did feel better.

“Great! Can I leave our sandy tomb now? There’s sand up my ass.”

Blushing, I crawled out as fast as I could. Seyari climbed out after me and stretched. She reached a hand back, and with another around the waist of her trousers, she blasted a veritable cloud of sand off her lower body. The next burst of magic she aimed up, causing silver hair to fly everywhere before a gentle breeze guided it back into place.

“Could you do me next?” I asked.

Seyari looked me up and down. “Fuck yes. Want me to get the sand off you first?”

If I was as hot as my cheeks felt, I’d melt the sand under my feet. Seyari laughed at my flustered expression and walked over to gust me clean.

“Seriously, Zarenna: Are you feeling better? I’m not great with this kind of stuff.”

I nodded. “I think you did fine. Maybe a little blunt.”

“People could stand to be blunter,” Seyari replied with a shrug.

“Sucks to be stuck with me then. I’m covered in sharp bits.” I waved back at her with my claws.

The last gust of wind nearly took my top off.

“What?” I teased, suddenly in a much better mood. “It’s true!”

“Cheeky demon.”

“Serious angel.”

“I’m going to see if any food managed to avoid a sand coating. Did you even think before packing our bags with sand?”

“Not really, no.” I smiled widely.

Seyari huffed.

I laughed and helped Seyari dig our packs out. Several minutes of wind magic later and we’d assembled a breakfast bereft of sand. We ate too quickly for conversation and soon we’d put our packs on, checked the position of the sun, and resumed our walk south.