Kiran wanted nothing more than to take the pain and misery away from her. He wanted to rush to her and prevent this from happening, but all he could do was remain frozen. One wrong move, and she might actually slice her throat open.
“Please,” he said, “just put the dagger away. We can talk this out.”
“No more,” she said with a quivering voice. “I-I don’t want to experience this miserable life anymore. I can’t take any more of it.” She pressed more of the dagger into the flesh of her neck.
Damn it Juna, don’t do this. It took every fiber of his being to not try to somehow grab the dagger from her hand, but he saw no real way to make that work from where he currently stood. All he could do was hope that she wouldn’t go through with this.
Tears streamed down her face as her neck further tightened. Her pained face revealed every bit of pain she had been accumulating and holding in for an entire lifetime. And this life of hers, while still quite young with plenty of opportunities to be had, came close to doing the worst thing imaginable.
She forcefully shut her eyes whilst her hand holding the dagger shook. A little bit of pressure caused a sliver of red to run down the dagger all the way to her fingertips. Her mouth widened revealing her teeth. Just a little bit more pressure and she will have successfully taken her life.
He stood there in agony pleading that she would stop. Just pull the dagger away and not do this. It was the last thing he ever wanted to see, especially when it was being done by someone he considered to be a dear friend of his.
“Juna…”
A mournful moan escaped her agape mouth. In what was quite possibly the lowest moment of her life, or lowest point in recent memory, she was at the very edge.
But during this moment of complete despair, she suddenly exhaled and the dagger fell from her hands. She collapsed to her knees and simply stared forward towards the darkness that surrounded them both.
“Just go,” she said in a sorrowful tone. “Let those things come and kill me. So long as I’m unable to do it myself, I might as well let them do it for me.”
“Listen to me. Your life matters.”
“It doesn’t.”
“No, it absolutely does matter. Do you know how I know that?” She looked up at him while tears fell down her face. “I know that because of how I feel, and how I know others feel. You’ve had the entire coalition looking for you. And then there’s me going out here all in order to find you. You think we’d be going through all this effort if you didn’t matter to us?”
“I’m not worth the effort. I’ve only ever been a burden and a nuisance.”
“Burden my ass. Besides, even if that’s the case, do you think that matters? Maybe it’s alright if you’re a burden. I know I and many others would still look out for you. Frankly, I wouldn’t care if you’re the biggest thorn digging in my side, I’d still be there for you.”
“How can you even say that…” She stood back up with a face turning more angry than sad. “When you don’t even know who I am?” Her brows furrowed intensely. She was becoming angry. And strangely enough, he liked to see that.
I can work with anger. Sadness, on the other hand, is a bit difficult to navigate.
“You’re being ridiculous. Of course I know who you are.”
“No you don’t. You don’t know a thing about me. You just know the person I want you to see. I’m a rotten person Kiran. If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t be saying any of this.”
“Is that a fact? Fine then. Tell me who this real you is. I want to know why I ought to throw you aside and turn my back against someone I consider a dear friend.”
Her frustration became immediately evident. Perhaps she expected him to not inquire but instead he offered her an opportunity to open up completely. If you’re as rotten as you say you are, then prove it to me.
“You’re making me incredibly angry right now.”
“Good. That means my plan is working. Now then, get to explaining things to me.” He crossed his arms. “What do you have to lose at this point?”
She shook her head. “Fine. Have it your way then.”
Perhaps this was a discussion that deserved to occur in a better location, but she wasn’t at all interested in that. Therefore, he had no choice but to handle this situation with her, while remaining on guard for the possibility of banespawn coming at them at any moment.
Juna began to explain a bit of her own history to him. Apparently both of her parents had died when she was fairly young. She ended up homeless and eventually forced to raise her little brother on her own out on the streets of Liall all by herself.
“Eventually I got involved with a group of people who could be considered the absolute dregs of any society. I began to work for them for many years before I ever joined the coalition. During that time with them, I stole, robbed, extorted, and threatened innocent people. I even used violence sometimes. I did it all to all kinds of people so that I could make a living to support myself and my little brother. But none of those bad things that I had been doing was the worse of it. It was when I began to neglect my little brother and not be there as much for him. Then one day,” she paused finding it harder to continue. Up to this point during her explanation of some of her tumultuous past, she maintained a relatively level-headed composure, but it was beginning to break. “I…I returned to him one day and he was dead.”
Tears reformed in her eyes. “I can still see his lifeless face.” She covered her mouth with her hand struggling to keep it all together.
In this moment, Kiran did only what he thought he could do to help. He approached her and began to hug her.
“I’m sorry,” he said as he felt her hands press down against his back.
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“He’s dead because I neglected him. I was too busy getting up to no good and then he was gone just like that. I never got to say goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.” His shirt began to soak up some of her tears. Eventually, she pulled away wiping the tears from her face.“From that point on, the only thing that I had was our dog Fred. We both found him together and cared for him ever since he was a young pup. And now he’s gone as well. At least now can you understand why I feel as I do and why I am not worth the trouble? Nothing good has ever come of me. I’m a selfish rotten individual that doesn’t deserve any kindness let alone yours. The only reason I ever joined the coalition was because I wanted to delude myself into thinking I could do some good.”
Perhaps he was the right person to be here for her. He had an immensely troublesome past of his own although he still could only barely make sense of it.
But without a doubt, she had an incredibly negative perspective of herself and it was eating her alive. An aura of negativity surrounded her body in a way, and such a large quantity of it would be hard to remove.
He had to at least try.
“We all have our regrets and mistakes. I’ve made plenty of them myself. Not just with my previous life, but this one as well.”
“How are you able to not be in complete despair then? Especially considering what happened to Della. If that had happened to someone I love, I don’t know how I would’ve gone on.”
He exhaled through his nostrils deeply. “I remember there being despair right after it happened. There was an unfathomable quantity of it. That exact moment kept repeating in my mind during those long days of recovery afterward. I thought maybe I could’ve done something differently as I kept thinking about it. But at a certain point, I had to just accept that it had happened and that I had to move on. I also think if I had the chance to ask her, that she would want me to carry on with my life. I imagine your brother would’ve wanted that for you as well.”
“I’ve tried to move on, but it still haunts me. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most. I failed him completely.”
She didn’t get into exact details over this particular situation of hers, but he could tell this was the true catalyst to her nearly lifelong misery. Everything else was secondary to it including her regrets of being a real scoundrel or thief.
“Have you ever forgiven yourself for your past actions?”
“I haven’t,” she said.
“Then maybe you should. Who knows, maybe that’ll be what helps you move on.”
“How can I forgive myself when I have so much guilt? I’ve thought about it, but I’ve never once thought myself capable of doing it. I don’t believe I’m worth being forgiven, especially not after all that I’ve done.”
“Then how about I forgive you.” He snapped his finger. “Just like that, you’ve been forgiven.”
“I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“Maybe just try to consider doing it for yourself sometime then. You don’t have to rush. We have all the time in the world to figure this all out after all. It might take days, weeks, months. Heck, it might even take years but if that’s how long it takes, then that’s how it’ll have to be.”
She began to squint her eyes a little. “I know what you’re trying to do.”
“You do? Well, is it working?”
Rather than give him the satisfaction of a yes, she instead chose to respond with something different entirely. “Kiran, knowing what you know of me now, there’s no reason for you to have any respect for me. I’m a no-good scoundrel. The Juna you’ve been shown for so long is a facade.”
“That’s the first untruthful thing you’ve said to me in this entire conversation.”
“How can you say that? I truly believe that. If anyone would know, it would be me.”
She would have to be the world’s best actor in order for him to believe that. Juna was a lot of things, apparently even a violent crook once upon a time, but that didn’t mean this person she had been acting as wasn’t somehow real or genuine.
“I don’t think you’re as fake as you have led yourself to believe. Believe it or not, each of us can have many different sides or personalities. Besides, there’s also always the possibility for change. You’ve simply changed yourself into something more positive, or at least positive appearing. I don’t see why there has to be a problem there. So what if you’re not the exact person you once were. Sometimes that’s a good thing. It means you’ve grown and matured with the intent to be better. There’s nothing bad about that whatsoever.”
He got the impression, that Juna didn’t expect him to take these views or perspectives. It probably wasn’t entirely unwarranted either. For many people, they wouldn’t look at her the same way again.
But Kiran wasn’t like many people. He had lived another life and even though he still barely remembered anything from that time, without a doubt in his mind, his previous life’s experiences helped shape him into who he has become. Most people didn’t have this experience to draw from. It gave him a much-needed edge to see things in a way that just might save her life.
As she pondered on what he had said, she placed her hands on her hips. “You really know how to frustrate a person, you know that right?”
“Nonsense.” She interpreted his actions as being some kind of plan, but in all actuality, there was no plan. There was simply him stating things as he saw them with the intent on saving her life. So far it appeared to be working in some capacity, but these were deeply seeded issues that she has been dealing with. They weren’t going to be resolved with a single conversation or deep introspection. It would require more effort on her part, but that was what he was trying to do. He wanted to allow her to have the time to actually solve things, rather than give up and either take her own life or simply have a monster do it for her.
“I just don’t know,” she said with a sigh. “I don’t see why I should even bother to try anymore. I feel like everything we’ve done up to this point has been a failure. It would be so much easier to just give up.”
“Where’s the fun in that? At least with a future still available to us, we can have the hope for things to get better and a real possibility of that happening.”
“Even after all of this, you still believe that to be true?”
“Without a single doubt in my mind. And how about this. Let me prove to you that things can get better. I’ll show you that despite everything we’ve been through, that things can be made right. I believe we’re real close to making this domain better. We just have to be a little more patient and then things are going to improve dramatically for all of us.”
She wasn’t entirely convinced. It wasn’t entirely unreasonable either. Things can always get worse, but just because they can, doesn’t mean that they will.
“Alright. I’ll at least give you a chance to prove me wrong.”
To hear her say that gave him a huge sense of relief. And even if he failed to prove this exact thing to her, he can still work things out so that she doesn’t ever contemplate killing herself or reaching a low as low as this ever again. Such a task would not be easy, but Kiran was always willing to accept a life of dealing with hard tasks.
“You better not be wrong though,” she said. “I suppose now all I can do is admit that you’ve won. I admit defeat.”
“Oh? What did I win?”
What he won, was apparently a punch to his shoulder. He simply smiled as it appeared her will to die faltered. At least for now, it did.
He would have to keep a close eye on her in the meantime but the fact that he had pulled her out of this despair in any capacity, deeply warmed his heart. He hoped hers was as well.
“So how does getting out of this area sound to you? If we have somehow not alerted any banespawn of our whereabouts yet, then I’d prefer we not take any further chances by remaining out here.”
She gestured. “Lead the way then.”