He awoke with sweat trickling down his face and neck. What lovely memories to recall. Whenever he experienced these dreams that illuminated his life from before, he often felt odd and even somewhat feverish afterward. It made for a strange dichotomy in that he wanted to know his past but at the same time, he always felt apprehensive to learn it at the same time considering how terrible they often ended up being.
“More bad dreams?”
Kiran lifted his body so he could see who spoke to him. Rinas sat beside the fire with his legs crossed. It appeared at least to him, that he and Rinas were the only ones awake besides the ones out on the outskirts of their smallish camp keeping an eye out for possible dangers. Rinas— whose beard had grown quite a lot since they left from the fifth domain—began to run their hand through it. “I can’t remember the last time I went to sleep and didn’t wake up terrified.” Rinas eyed the two of his children who slept peacefully nearby him along with a woman who he presumed was his former wife.
“So your dreams are also quite disturbing then,” Kiran said.
They nodded their head. While the two of them had different kinds of dreams—considering Kiran’s illuminated his past, even nightmares that weren’t real could affect someone in major ways. “Tell me Kiran, do you believe that you’ll get back all of your memories?”
“Assuming I don’t die anytime soon, I think so.” He began to cross his arms as he took a glance at the fire.
“I don’t know how you do it. If I one day woke up without my memories, I don’t know what I would do. I doubt I’d have the same positive mentality that you possess. The mere thought of losing my memories scares me to death. I can imagine myself looking at my children only to not recognize them and just be mere strangers to me.” His face appeared pained as he spoke such words aloud. “That thought alone terrifies me more than any nightmare or any harrowing moment from my own past that I recall. If you don’t mind me asking, how exactly do you keep yourself sane?”
Kiran stood up to stand by the fire feeling its warmth from head to toe. He opened both of his palms to it as he turned his head to Rinas. “I wish I knew the secret to my sanity. Despite all that has befallen me, I am rather sane now that I think about it. For whatever reason, I have a particular resilience and patience to all of this disorder continually happening around us.” His past that he gained illumination towards sometimes made him doubt that the person he once was would not hold up as well. His past self was full of anxieties, turmoil, and utter anguish as they struggled to maintain themselves in what appeared to be a more stable and functional world before the fracturing occurred. It could be argued however, that the world he witnessed from his past wasn’t all that stable despite how it looked considering how things eventually ended up. Things may appear stable, but beneath it all, chaos and ruin lie beneath the facade.
“Given everything then,” Rinas said, “are you still hopeful that we’ll make it through this?”
“I am,” he immediately replied with hesitation.
The man had a look in his eye that suggested he could hardly believe that he felt that way. However, Kiran was not one who saw endless hopelessness even in the worst of circumstances. Plenty of others did and he understood why. It made perfect sense. Someone though needed to view things positively and if it meant he had to be the one, then he figured so be it.
If practically no one else can have hope, then I’ll carry it in their stead.
“I wish I had your mentality.” The man sitting across from him tossed a few bits of wood into the roaring fire. It began to crackle and breathe new life as additional fuel would keep the flames burning longer. “I will do whatever I can for our people but truthfully speaking, I see no future for any of us in the long term.” To hear that from him, certainly did not paint a good picture. “I would never suggest that hope shouldn’t exist or that you ought to feel the way I do. I am simply a man cursed with the belief that there is nowhere for us truly to go that will free us from our given circumstances.”
“Then why lead at all if that’s how you feel?”
“Because I was given this role when I still saw hope. And while I fear I may have abandoned it almost entirely, there is a small inkling of it that I will try to latch onto. If not for myself, I will do so for my children.”
Rinas hadn’t quite given up entirely, but if things got much worse, he feared that they would lose him as their leader. Maybe someone else would be ideal for the position, but it was entirely possible that he was the only viable person for this role.
Eventually, their discussion came to an end and Kiran wandered away. He chose to walk through the camp by himself listening to the quietness all around.
Men slept. Women slept. Children slept. Even some babies slept. Not all did however. The ones who could not sleep would look at him briefly before averting their gaze from him. The ones who looked away appeared quite broken and on the edge of losing their will to live. They looked defeated and similar to Rinas in how they possessed hardly any hope for a brighter future. From their perspective, all they could do in the meantime was merely wait until the day they died. At least then—in their mind—they could finally be at peace.
A pained noise erupted from afar. A dog whined and cried aloud in pain. Kiran drifted away from his northward walk through the camp choosing to instead head towards the northeast where the noise came from.
As he neared the source of it, he recognized the back of Juna. She kept her hair down back rather than keeping it in a ponytail. It ran down her backside in a haphazard mess. An old woman who he recognized held onto her dog Fred handing him back to her.
“I’m sorry,” the old woman said. “There’s absolutely nothing more that can be done for him.”
“What do you mean?” Juna said loudly. “You have more medicine. I know you do!”
“Quieten down girl.”
Kiran came to stand by Juna whose eyes were red and face covered in tears. Her dog Fred grimaced in pain as she held onto him tightly. She kept petting him while he murmured aloud painfully so.
“I know you have more medicine,” Juna said. “Just…just give some more to him like before.”
“Yes deary, I do have more medicine and your dog has taken quite a bit of it already. If I am to keep giving it to him, that means less medicine for others and it is growing more and more scarce with every day that passes by.”
“He just needs a little. Just enough to dull the pain.”
“And then he’ll need even more come the morrow.” The old woman eyed Kiran briefly. “I cannot give him anymore. I’m sorry.”
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Juna’s other free hand motioned towards her side. Her lips quivered and it almost appeared like she was readying herself to grab one of her daggers.
“Keep telling me sorry,” she said in fury, “while Fred suffers!”
“I’ve done all that I can. The truth is, you’d be better off gracefully and mercifully putting an end to his suffering than letting him suffer any further. Know that I speak truthfully deary. You do yourself no favors by prolonging this.”
“Juna,” Kiran said.
She quit motioning her hand to the dagger on her hip. Seeing her even contemplate pulling out a dagger gave him pause. This was unlike Juna. Everything about this felt wrong. But at least she appeared to snap out of it by knowing he was there.
“Juna, come on.” He gently put his arm around her back to lead her away from the medicine woman. The old lady appeared thankful for him to come by when he did. He was glad too knowing Juna might’ve nearly participated in something she would’ve easily regretted.
He led her further away near a mostly unoccupied fire. Light swarmed around them and all he could do was see how miserable her dog looked. Fred had looked a fair bit better when they were at the tower and even during a few of the days after they left the city full of banespawn. It was sad to see him in so much pain, especially after seeing him get better only for it all to go back in the other direction. It reminded him of what happened with Leo and how much of a disaster that situation ended up being.
Juna struggled to maintain her composure. She wiped away some tears from her other free hand while the other hand kept holding onto Fred. “She w-wouldn’t give him anything to help. C-can you convince her to?”
What am I to even say to her? Nothing about this situation was easy. He could lie to her and make things easy temporarily. Or he could put his feet straight onto the fire, and embrace the inevitable pain that would come from it.
Juna was not someone he ever wanted to hurt. She was always so cheery and happy. To be the one to potentially hurt her in some way put him in a tough spot.
At the same time, someone had to be strong whether for themselves or others. Kiran had no choice but to face the possibility of irrevocably changing their relationship permanently as he contemplated what exactly to do.
While she struggled to not have a waterfall of tears running down her face, she looked with those big eyes of hers hopeful he had an answer to make this all right and make every bit of pain go away.
“Juna, I don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but—”
He hadn’t even finished the sentence, but she knew his intent already. She crouched down grasping tightly to Fred in her arms. The tears ran down her face and her face turned more red. “Kiran, no. Please. We can still help him. We—”
He shook his head. “I wish we could do something for him. I really do. But to allow him to suffer like this.” He didn’t even want to finish saying it even though it had already been implied. But he chose to anyways. “I can take care of it for you Juna. Fred can be at peace. I’ll make it as painless for him as possible. I promise.”
She stood up wiping away the tears. She ran a hand down his backside struggling to maintain her composure. “I’ll do it. It should be me.”
“You don’t have to be the one. Let me do this for you.”
The last thing he wanted was for her to be the one to put a beloved dog down. He could be the one who took on this responsibility sparing her of this. She needed her last memories of Fred to be without seeing him killed by her own hands.
“I…I love you so much Fred.” She kissed the top of his head struggling to even hold him any longer. Kiran took him into his arms freeing him from her grasp. Though he was in immense pain, he barked at her and lifted his paw. Her lips quivered as she tried to speak one last time to him.
“Goodbye,” she said and then looked away.
Kiran led Fred away drifting into the night with a shovel he grabbed on his way out in his other hand. The dog licked his hand every now and then. He was still in pain, but perhaps even Fred somehow knew that it was going to be over soon allowing them to be more at peace.
Regardless, Kiran accepted this responsibility. Juna did not deserve to be the one to end his life. So instead, he would do it for her.
It was a terrible moment to have to experience. But it was also necessary. Fred was going to die no matter what. The question was whether to have them die through days, weeks, or even months more in absolute misery beyond comprehension. The only other alternative solution was to simply give him a merciful passing from this life.
This wasn’t the first time Kiran had encountered such a conundrum. When given the option of mercifully killing Leo, he chose not to. He didn’t wish to make the same decision this time around as he had back then.
He deserves mercy. I didn’t give it to Leo back then but that doesn’t mean I have to repeat that mistake with Fred.
Mercy was not always a graceful or beautiful thing. Mercy in fact could be quite grotesque. It was not beautiful to kill another life, especially an innocent one, but it was indeed merciful to spare a life from further misery.
Fred was a truly cherished soul. He was just a dog, but a beloved dog to one who had grown up with them for a large portion of their life. He did not know the full story Juna had with Fred but it must’ve been a wonderful one for she had so much love for him that was quite obvious to see.
Kiran reached just outside enough of the camp with enough light that he was still able to see the ground. He went to one knee and put down the shovel by his side.
He pet the dog that licked at his palm. “You’ve seen a lot of the world Fred. More than most I imagine.”
Up at the sky, nothing was there to look back at them. He pulled out a small knife he always carried with him nowadays. He too sat it down against the ground not wanting to carry out the deed just yet. “I know you’ve been in a lot of pain recently. I sort of know how you feel. I’ve gone through death once myself. It’s not a lot of fun admittedly. But it’s temporary. I can assure you of that.”
The dog looked up at him with those big brown eyes of his. He smiled at them patting their head. “I know you and Lar have had your differences. But the truth is, I believe Lar is actually quite fond of you. I know, I know. Lar of all people actually likes you? It’s quite unbelievable but I swear it’s true. She just has a weird way of showing her fondness to those she likes and cares about.”
He remembered the first time Fred and Lar met. It brought back memories of days he was quite fond of. They were far simpler days for sure. But like with all things, there were good days, and there were bad days. And sometimes, there were days when there was just a bit of both.
Today was one such day.
Kiran assisted Fred by having them lie on their side. He picked up the knife grasping it with his right hand.
“You’ll certainly be missed Fred. But you’ll live on in our memories and forever be loved, especially by Juna. She’ll never forget you and her love will never end.”
He took in a deep breath of air as he sat there on his knees beside Fred. For one last time, he ran his palm over the dog feeling the warmth of their body and their nice fur that felt smooth to the touch. He breathed out and kept his hand calm as it kept tightly grasping onto the knife.
“Goodbye Fred. May your suffering end and finally be at peace.”
A rustling noise occurred as their heart became pierced by his knife. Fred who a second ago was in immense pain, came to know peace at long last.
He lay there unmoving. And though he shed no tears for Fred, he respected them and felt nothing but joy recalling the memories he had of them as he recalled them at their best.
Rather than leaving them out to rot, Kiran dug a hole specifically for them. He made it deep and put their body down in it afterward. He used the shovel to toss dirt back in and gave them a worthwhile burial befit for a truly beloved companion to Juna and a dear friend to many others.