The next morning, we’re inside of a cafe, sitting at a round table and planning our next journey like we’re the knights of King Arthur, weapons of iron and steel strewn across the table between coffee mugs and pastries.
Our medieval arsenal seems appropriate for a place like this. It’s like an English pub, or at least the English-inspired ones I frequented in New York. Dark wooden walls surround us, each panel crowded with oil paintings of kings and queens I can’t name. It takes me a while to realize not a single one of the portraits is homo sapien. So either our alien ancestors shared the Brit’s love of spotted ermine capes or someone had a grand old time turning all the Harry’s and Liz’s into bushy browed Neanderthals.
My hands jitter as I reach for my third cup of coffee. Reconstitution commences in five minutes, after which the regions open up and we sail on to our nebulous futures. We’ve chosen our classes. We’ve bought our weapons and whatever armor we could afford. Now we wait.
Luci’s fingers tap in a bored pattern against an empty glass of orange juice, her polished nails scratched and chipped. A recurve bow leans against the back of her chair. We can’t examine each other like we can NPCs and enemies, but she tells me she chose one of the first classes she discovered: Iron of Scythia, a long-range class. According to Luci, it looks like this:
IRON OF SCYTHIA
Traits:
- An additional +1 to dexterity per level (works retroactively)
- +1 Observation Proficiency per 2 levels
- +25% damage with long-range weapons
- Immune to poison and all poison-related ailments
Level 5 Ability:
Retreat: When an enemy nears, teleport up to 3m away.
Level 15 Ability:
Deadeye: Mark a target within line of sight. The next 3 long-range projectiles fired will hit this target, no matter the obstacles. Functional from up to 20m.
Like the rest of us, she also earned a Clothing Voucher for taking out the matriarch, so she’s now clad in a pink mini skirt, studded ankle boots, and - to the horror of her uncle - a chainmail bikini top with dangling charms better suited for a belly dancer than an archer.
According to the retail clerk, the material and cut of the clothing we wear don’t actually matter. The stat bonuses apply across the board. That means, essentially, whether you get slashed on a bare arm or an armored stomach doesn’t matter; it cuts just the same.
So why is the bikini made of chainmail then? Well, that’s on Luci. The city’s got everything from modern sporting goods to authentic Roman togas, with inaccurate Renaissance Faire attire squeezed somewhere in between. Honestly, she could have chosen worse. In the end, the bikini gives her extra fortitude and a couple points of charm, so what can you do.
As she made the exchange, I told Elias I would have done the same thing as a teen. That didn’t make things better.
Speaking of our uptight accountant: Since we have Ron as a tank, Elias chose more of a fighter-type, though he says he’ll be adding most of his points to his fortitude in lieu of his strength as he levels. I don’t think he trusts the big oaf to tank properly or to - in a less diplomatic way of putting it - stay alive at all. So he’ll be our back-up tank if it comes to that.
According to Elias, it shapes up like this:
JAGUAR KNIGHT
Traits:
- An additional +1 to strength per level (works retroactively)
- +25% damage with melee weapons
- Jewelry and accessories have a +50% stat bonus
- Immune to stuns
Level 5 Ability:
Defensive Clash: Knock back an enemy with a brutal charge from 3m away and gain +25% fortitude for .5 seconds per level.
Level 15 Ability:
Inescapable Stance: When activated, a visible ward with a 1m radius is formed around you. All nearby enemies within it are incapable of leaving.
Interestingly, the class abilities are rather tanky which I think suits him rather well. Also, since more than half of his cash went to his prosthetic, we pooled our money to buy him a double-headed battleaxe.
And, taking a note from Luci, he also used his Clothing Voucher to purchase a chainmail bikini.
Or at least that’s what I suggested. He got a flannel shirt that looks exactly like his original one. Complete lack of imagination, this guy. It also gives him fortitude, as well as some resistance to elements and the ability to quick-dry.
Now as for Ron. Ron, Ron, Ron. The man picked his class before we had a chance to discuss it, so while it qualifies as a tank class, it’s also… Well, Ron.
DESERT ROCK STAR
Traits:
- An additional +1 to fortitude per level (works retroactively)
- +1 Musical Performance Proficiency per 2 levels
- +25% resolve so long as an instrument is on your person
Immune to bleeding and crippling
Level 5 Ability:
Heavy Stance: When activated, block 50% of incoming damage. You cannot be stunned, knocked back, or immobilized in any other way. You cannot move for at least 5 seconds after activation. Activation will end upon movement.
Level 15 Ability:
Acid Trip: Mute a targeted enemy. A muted enemy cannot use sorcery-based abilities or attacks. Does not require stamina. Cooldown is 30 seconds.
Since Ron needs an instrument to score that bonus resolve, he spent almost all of his money on a small pear-shaped medieval guitar called a “gittern” - which I guess is sort of like a lute. As a side note, there were modern-day instruments available, but they were stupid expensive and Ron honest-to-god wanted a gittern. Don’t ask why.
Either way, the thing has enough durability to double as a blunt weapon, though an actual bludgeon would have been better. Apparently there are much more advanced instruments available in the field - some with pretty fine abilities so long as your musical performance is up to par - so we’ll have to stay on the lookout.
As for armor, he exchanged his voucher for a leather vest. Technically, the vest is perfectly capable of being buttoned up. But the salesperson made the mistake of telling Ron that the fortitude bonus applies no matter how it’s worn, so he’s got it draped open over his bare dad-bod like he’s auditioning for a Twisted Sister cover band. To be fair, it suits his class. And he’s undeniably gleeful about it.
Which leaves me.
I’ll be honest. I wanted that fire class. And had I been adventuring out on my own, I’m pretty sure I would have chosen it. However, when I woke up this morning, rather than tugging the sheets over my head to cry, as is my usual routine, I found myself actually looking forward to what the day might hold.
Sure, maybe I owe some of those warm fuzzies to the apocalypse. No job, no rent, no politics, no social media, no one asking when I’ll try dating again (as if you can just exchange a partner at a rent-a-spouse, mom) - it’s an easy sell. But if I’m honest with myself, I know I owe it to my party.
I want to live. I want them to live. Let me be clear here. This isn’t about survival. I want us to live. I want us to love. I want us to laugh. God, I sound like a preteen’s Instagram caption.
So here’s me being a team player. Guaranteed, there are people out there who can roll a fire mage without gifting their party with a few third degree burns, but history shows I can’t launch a molotov without nearly deep-frying my teammates. Plus, let’s be honest, even after our little heart-to-heart, there’s no way Elias is trusting me with fire at my fingertips, and I don’t feel like shattering our fragile alliance just yet.
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Saying that, if a fire wand comes my way, I ain’t saying no.
Thus, I decide to go with the Sicarii class. To recap:
SICARII
Traits:
- An additional +1 to dexterity per level (works retroactively)
- +1 Silent Step Skill Proficiency per 2 levels
- +1 Sleight of Hand Skill Proficiency per 2 levels
- +25% damage with one-handed or dual-wielded slashing weapons
- -50% damage with two-handed weapons or blunt weapons
Level 5 Ability:
Shadowstep: Teleport behind an enemy within 3m. You may return to the original location within 10 seconds.
Level 15 Ability:
Unseen: Grant invisibility to yourself and nearby party members. Invisibility is lost upon damage or an ability is performed. Lasts 1 second per level. May be used twice a day.
Which of course earns me two notifications.
1.
New Skill Unlocked!
Silent Step
You can now slip past enemies and move unseen. Improve this skill to better avoid detection, despite what actions you take. This skill only affects sound and movement. It does not affect your smell.
2.
New Skill Unlocked!
Sleight of Hand
You can now execute minute movements of the hand in order to deceive others. Improve this skill to trade, steal, or reveal items without drawing attention from more observant targets, specifically high-level vendors, guards, or fellow thieves.
3.
Skill Proficiencies Increased:
Silent Step 4 (+6 Dexterity Bonus)
Sleight of Hand 4 (+6 Dexterity Bonus)
I have to admit it sounds extremely badass. Yeah, I don’t get to transform into man-sized fireball, but I get to sneak, steal, and stab until my stamina runs dry. And there’s that Level 20 ability that lets me turn my entire team invisible.
Of course, when I tell the party, Luci points out that I don’t have the patience for stealth which, okay sure, but I do have the patience for successive stabbing and teleporting. So eat that, bitches.
To accompany my new class, I bought twin 7” blades that inflict bleeding and a chance to cripple, as well as sexy thigh sheathes to match. As it turns out, all slashing weapons inflict a bleeding status. If an enemy gets cut, they bleed. Cut ‘em enough, they bleed out. Pretty standard. The woman running the shop said I should consider carrying a short sword as well, but I couldn’t afford it. I’ll just have to keep a lookout for something in the field.
Using the menu, I equipped the daggers to ensure they’d come with me when we pick a region. We’ve been told that, once we’ve chosen, the transfer to the region is pretty sudden, so we need to have our gear either equipped or on our person to transfer with us.
As for the Clothing Voucher, I exchanged it for a cropped, hooded jacket. Like everyone else’s armor, it comes with a small fortitude boost. It also applies another +3 to my Silent Step proficiency and a shading ability that changes the contrast of the jacket depending on the light. So long as I’m going rogue, I might as well go all in.
And yes, that means I’m still wearing my “Nice Snatch” shirt.
Finally, I dropped just over half my allotted nine attribute points into resolve and the rest into dexterity. That puts me just one more stat bump away from the next Dexterity Bonus as well as an opportunity to recover from whatever doesn’t kill me. But let's be honest: I'm not kidding myself into believing that's a solid stat set. Once I hit the field, I’ll most likely have to readjust my strategy. Min-maxing is how I usually play, but that doesn’t mean it’ll work in whatever constitutes as real life now.
I swallow the last dregs of coffee. One more minute until reconstitution. Elias sits in front of an Index console, the hovering screen reflecting in his eyes. When we get the notification, he’ll swipe over to the map. From there, all it will take is a single tap, and we’ll teleport to god-knows-where in god-knows-when to fight god-knows-who.
I’m not as anxious as I thought I’d be - although I’m floating on so much coffee, it’s hard to tell what’s anxiety and what’s caffeine.
Luci yawns. “Do you think-”
Be advised: Reconstitution has commenced and will be completed in (1) minute. All Earth regions are now available for visitation. Please visit a region and complete its associated objective to extend your visa. If you are a member of a party, be aware that all living party members must be in attendance when rewarded with a visa extension. Participants with expired visas will no longer be welcome in Pharos.
And will otherwise be disintegrated - though they leave that part out.
We scramble out of our chairs and pile behind Elias as he taps the screen in front of him. A new menu pops into view.
“It’s not a map. It’s a list,” I say, peering over his shoulder.
Luci leans over and swipes downward, triggering a never ending cascade of words. “Ohmygod, that’s like hundreds of thousands of names to go through!”
Elias holds up a hand, blocking Luci from interfering further. He squints as he looks closer. “This is a terrible design.”
“There.” I point. “You can sort it.”
“Oh, sort it by level!” chimes Luci. “And climate. What about climate?”
“Chispita, cálmate. I can’t think.” He taps, swipes, taps again.
“Dude, I’m with you all about that Japan place,” says Ron. “For serious, looked it up last night. Naruto did not lead me straight, man. That place has got a serious demon problem. Oni. Akuma.” He pronounces this with a guttural, very possibly insensitive accent.
“It won’t let me filter by region,” Elias says. “However I’ve eliminated all regions that suggest any type of climate or terrain-specific equipment, vaccinations, chemical compounds like chlorine dioxide or medicinals like potassium iodine... Right now, we’re looking at a list of areas with the lowest level recommendation which is Level 10-15. According to this number, under those parameters, we can select from 200,032 available regions.”
“You’re shitting me,” I say.
“Isn’t that a lot?” asks Ron.
Luci rolls her eyes. “Yeah, if there weren’t millions of us.”
Elias nods thoughtfully. “If we assume at least half of the participants here are choosing at this moment, then there are tens of teams competing for each low-level slot. We need to review these quickly and carefully.”
He flicks to one of the regions on the list, and a text blurb pops up.
HEBRON, KENTUCKY
Level Recommendation: 10-15
Region: Includes areas of Hebron, Kentucky and Bullittsville, Kentucky
Climate: Subtropical
Recommended Items: None
Available Quests: 6
Towns: 2
Dungeons: 1
Strongholds: 0
Additional Notes: May include peanuts
“So what would Kentucky have then, like in terms of monsters? Bigfoot?” asks Luci.
“Yeah, Bigfoot. And maybe Mothman?” I reply.
Just as Elias begins to respond, the text disappears, and the name on the list grays out.
“Shit.” I point to the number at the top of the screen. It now says there are 150,008 regions. And it keeps ticking down. “How many parties did they say can enter the same region?”
“I don’t believe they did,” answers Elias. “It must be limited.”
Luci grips the back of his chair. “Pick another!”
“This isn’t a decision to be taken lightly.”
“That number is going fast,” I say as the counter slips past 120,000. “All of these regions work, right? If we don’t choose something, we’ll end up somewhere we don’t want to be.”
“Yeah, dude, I’ll take Kentucky over Japan,” says Ron.
“What about that one?” Luci presses on something listed as Vanoise National Park, France. Another pop-up appears, but I can’t see past her head to read it.
“A park suggests it’s forested. I don’t believe we should be attempting to navigate-”
The text vanishes. The number is now below 80,000. More than half of the available low-level regions have already vanished.
Okay, now I’m feeling anxious. “Look, we don’t have the luxury to be picky.”
“I understand. Perhaps…” His finger lingers over the list. It’s 49,000 now.
Luci reaches past him again and taps another name. “That one!”
BRASIL
Level Recommendation: 10-15
Area: Includes Brasil
Climate: Temperate
Recommended Items: None
Available Quests: 8
Towns: 1
Dungeons: 2
Strongholds: 0
Additional Notes: None
“See?” says Luci. “Brazil. And vaccines aren’t a recommended item. And it has rare stuff! Come on, Tío.”
“Okay, I’m vetoing the Amazon,” I say.
“That’s like only half the country. This one says it’s temperate.”
“Temperate? Brazil?” I lean in for a closer look when Elias stands up, blocking my view.
“We need to think about this.”
Luci rests her hands on her hips, the charms on her bikini jangling. “Who made you the leader?”
“What? I…” He looks to me for help. I shrug.
“I’m in!” cheers Ron.
“Then I’m calling it,” says Luci, diving for the button.
“Chispita-”
And before we can stop her, she smacks ‘Confirm.’
That’s when I catch the name of the region. “Guys, that doesn’t say Bra-”