New Objective: Defeat First Monster.
I eased off the car hood and crouched in the darkness. I heard another squeak from the far end of the garage. And there was something else. It sounded like the rubbery squeal of a wet beachball being dragged across a marble floor.
[ME] What is that?! You have any idea?
[ERNI] I’m afraid I am not proficient in audible identification. I lack that module and require a visual scan. At present, we are limited to the use of my proximity sensor.
[ME] Great. So you’re telling me this could be anything. I mean, this creature could be the size of an Expedition and we wouldn’t even know it?
[ERNI] An expedition is indicative of multiple entities and would be represented by many dots on the map.
[ME] No, no… it’s a truck. You know what? Never mind.
I mentally flipped through my playbook pages. I thought, how do you fight a creature that you’ve never seen before? And, especially, if you don’t know the size of it? Plus, it wasn’t like I had the best weapons at hand. I wasn’t going to throw a squishy stress ball at the thing. And I couldn’t imagine what firing a t-shirt at it would do. So, crazy enough, my best option was the rubber chicken nunchucks.
As soon as I thought of them, they materialized. I grasped them mid-air. I was hoping they would feel more dense and heavy. Perhaps they just looked like rubber, but secretly had metallic properties. Nope. These were literally just rubber chickens. Two of them tied together. This was lunacy.
I tiptoed through the darkness. My eyes darted between the map and the darkened path in front of me. I was getting closer to the red dot, but I still couldn’t see anything.
[ME] Hey. Do we have any sort of night or thermal vision?
[ERNI] There is no item or ability that matches that description in your inventory.
Crap. If this was a game, then where was the pop-up emporium run by a quirky elf shopkeeper? The kind where you could barter for things. You could trade, say, a pair of rubber chicken nunchucks for a mace or a spiked club or a sword made of actual metal. Nope. There was none of that here.
I gripped the nunchucks tighter as I heard more wet sloshing sounds. And there was something else. It sounded almost like the drooling, happy coos of a baby. I rounded a Nissan Pathfinder and saw it. There it was. Sitting on the garage floor. A white circle. There were reddish veins snaking around its spherical form. There was also a long, wet trail leading up to its body, indicating that it had been sliding along the garage surface. I heard another coo as the creature tilted a little bit. Something black was peeking off the edge of the sphere.
[ME] Okay, ERNI. You’re seeing this. What the hell is that thing?
[ERNI] I’m afraid I don’t have a positive visual identification at the moment.
I must have squeezed one of the chicken nunchucks too tight. One of its mouths emitted a loud squeaky toy noise.
SQUEAK!
My heart jumped.
[ME] Please, please, please tell me that thing didn’t hear it.
The monster rotated. I quickly hid the rubber chicken nunchucks behind my back in my left hand.
[ME] Oh, crap. It heard… and it doesn’t even have ears.
The creature completed its rotation, revealing…
[ME] An eyeball? Is that an eyeball?
ERNI must have identified it via his visual scan, because an info box popped above.
Opti-Chomper. Level 5
These squishy, little critters may look harmless, but watch out. If you fall in their sight, you might catch their bite.
“Opti-Chomper, huh?”
I looked at the creature more closely. It was essentially just a big, glistening, disembodied eyeball with an attached black eyebrow. At the moment, the eyebrow was in an arched, neutral position as the creature studied me.
“Uh, hi there,” I said. “Nice to seeeeee you. Get it? See you.”
Its eyebrow raised as a happy-sounding coo emitted from somewhere. The thing didn’t have a visible mouth.
[ME] How is this thing a Chomper if it doesn’t even have a mouth?
[ERNI] Things aren’t always what they seem.
[ME] Could you be any less cryptic?
I took a step closer, extending my right hand like a stranger hoping to pet a dog in the park. I kept my left arm tucked behind my back, ready to strike, if needed.
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“You’re a nice little eyeball, aren’t ya?”
I eased a little closer…
“Yeah, that’s right… you don’t want to fight, do you?”
I used my most soothing voice.
“Yeahhhhh…. You’re just a happy, little guy looking to get out and see the world.”
I was almost within striking distance.
“That’s it. I can tell you and I are gonna be friends. Let’s face it… we see eye to eye.”
Apparently, I must have gotten too close, because suddenly, the creature tilted forward and its eyebrow scrunched into a furious V shape.
[ME] Oh crap.
The Opti-Chomper unleashed a low, guttural growl. And that’s when it split horizontally, revealing a gloopy, wide mouth with razor-sharp teeth. It hissed, feral, as a forked tongue probed outward.
[ME] Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap! What do I do?!
I whipped the rubber chicken nunchucks out in front of me in a defensive position. I tried to pull off some slick moves that I’d seen Bruce Lee do in a movie once. Yeah. I failed miserably, fumbling the nunchucks to the ground. The creature hissed again, even more provoked.
[ME] Uhh… ERNI! A little help here?!
The creature leaped towards me.
[ERNI] First, I suggest you evade its attack.
“YOU THINK?!” I shouted out loud as I rolled out of its way.
It landed, bouncing like a dribbled basketball. It spun around, training its pupil back on me.
[ME] Got any less obvious tips?!
I snatched up the nunchucks and scurried behind the Nissan Pathfinder. The Opti-Chomper lunged at me, just missing, smashing into the side of the truck. The entire vehicle rocked from the impact.
[ME] Whoa!
[ERNI] A quick analysis suggests that the creature does not appear to have any external armor and, therefore, should be vulnerable to strikes and melee attacks.
I peered beneath the SUV. I could see the creature sliding along the floor, looking for me.
[ME] Strikes… okay, yeah. I can do that.
I dashed around to the front of the vehicle as the creature circled around to the rear. As a former cross-country star, one thing I could do was run. Plus, I was pretty damn good when we used to play tag as kids.
I gripped the rubber chicken nunchucks, trying to psych myself up.
[ME] Strikes. Got it. Alright, rubber chicken nunchucks, you say you pack a wallop? Let’s see you put your money where your mouth is.
I took several deep breaths, again something I learned in therapy.
[ME] Okay, Sam. Time to sack up. It’s just a little eyeball.
[ERNI] Sack up? I’m unfamiliar with this term. Can you define it?
I sprinted around the truck with the nunchucks held high in both hands. I screamed loudly like I thought a warrior should to intimidate its opponent. The Opti-Chomper whipped around, that brow furrowing even more. It launched itself into the air. I swung the nunchucks with all my might. They connected with the wet thump of a bat hitting a yoga ball full of Jell-O.
THOONK!
But what I wasn’t prepared for was the loud chicken squawk upon impact. The rubber chicken mouth emitted a loud war cry.
BUCKKAWWWW!
It released a sonic shockwave that rippled the surface of the monster. The Opti-Chomper sailed through the air, warbling, becoming less and less stable until it exploded, raining down as a drippy, white goo.
“HOLY CRAPOLI!”
I covered my face as I got caught in a shower of the stuff. I imagined I looked like the Ghostbusters right after they destroyed the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
Opti-Chomper Defeated!
Objective Complete: Defeat First Monster.
I thought about stowing the nunchucks and they dissolved from my hand, back into my inventory. I shook and wiped off as much of the goop as I could. I smelled of rotten eggs.
“Jesus. You said there are locker rooms out there somewhere? I’m definitely gonna need a shower.”
As I tried to clean myself off, several notifications flashed.
New Trophy! Monster Masher.
Reward: “Killed My 1st Monster” Temporary Tattoo.
New Trophy! One Hit Wonder.
Reward: Rustic armor.
“Yes!” I pumped my fist. “Finally, some real protection.”
I glanced back down at the map. There were no other red dots. The coast was clear for now.
“Congratulations on your first victory,” ERNI said.
“Yeah,” I said, poking my chest out. “Little dude didn’t know who he was messing with.”
“May I remind you he was only a level 5?”
“Hey. Don’t rain on my parade. I’m 1 of 1 here. Undefeated.”
“Statistically, that is correct.”
I walked over to examine the spot where the eyeball’s gooey remains landed. A window popped up.
Would you like to loot Opti-Chomper?
“Why, yes… yes I would.”
The creature’s remains evaporated as a series of notifications flashed above. I scanned them as items were automatically added to my inventory.
Item Acquired: SlickzSee Eye Lube - 1/1.
Item Acquired: Myopia Madness Play.
“Cool, we’ll sort through that stuff later. For now, let’s see about that armor.”
ERNI equipped it, and it was suddenly on my body. It was not at all like I had imagined. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t even how it was described. There was nothing rustic about it. It was just plain rusty.
The panels were thin and brittle, stiff and ill-fitting. Several of the plates had corroded to a ferrous brown, flaking around the edges. The helmet was pockmarked with holes.
“Uhhhhhh, yeah,” I frowned as I tried to get comfortable inside of it. “I was kind of hoping for something a bit more structurally sound.”
“While this armor is not ideal,” ERNI observed, ”it does offer you additional external protection versus your standard clothing.”
“I guess…”
Ah. What the hell… I was up to date on my tetanus shots, and any armor was better than none. As I began to walk, the plates rubbed against one another, kicking off red dust and emitting a series of metallic shrieks.
“Yeah, that’s not gonna get annoying. Hey, ERNI. Let’s see my stats again. Did I get any bumps?”
ERNI flashed up my stats sheet.
1st Quarter: 30:22:15
Warriors: 5,217,853
Level: 1
Race: Human
Class: Hopeless Rookie
Rank: 5,217,853
Points: 5,000
Fans: 1,127
Sponsors: 0
I scanned the numbers and was disappointed. The improvements weren’t quite what I had hoped. Sure, I had climbed the ranks a little and earned some points, but…
“Wait a minute. That’s all the fans I gained out of bajillions of watchers? Really? And where are the sponsors? I just went to war with a leaping eyeball! Where’s the appreciation?”
“In all likelihood, this initial, small amount of fans are probably ironic. Some viewers will assign their fandom out of boredom or random curiosity. However, if you continue to survive and incorporate flashier, more memorable kills, you will earn more points and garner the attention of legitimate fans and sponsors.”
“Flashy, huh?” I nodded. “I can do flashy.”
“Running from a level 5 creature is not considered flashy.”
“Hey, cut me some slack, will ya? This was my first monster fight. Like, ever. Besides, a lot of athletes start off a little rough in the big game. Takes them some time to warm up.”
“Are you warmed up now?”
“I’m getting there.”
“Good. Then, I suggest we seek your first Slayer Orb. I have indicated its location on the map.”
New Objective: Retrieve Slayer Orb.
A pulsing white dot appeared on the map display.
“Alright. Let’s go.”