Blink and Gil flashed across the Skybotron. “Looks like we have a last-minute warrior entry,” Blink chimed. “And shocker—it’s a human!”
“What?!” Gil croaked.
The scoreboard graphic hovered between them. Blink gestured towards it, “As expected, we have Dom Blady ranked number one.”
The graphic scrolled downward with blurring speed until it reached the bottom. Blink pointed at the last slot, “And then, we have…”
SAM - Level 1 Human - Hopeless Rookie (0 pts)
“Sam?” Gil scowled. “Who is this guy?!”
“Let’s take a peek.”
Suddenly, I was watching a live shot of myself on the Skybotron. I had a black eye and was missing a tooth. I looked like a complete buffoon, and I remembered that this was being broadcast live across the multiverse. I clammed up, instantly nervous and self-aware.
“Oh… uh… hey.” I waved, my amplified voice echoing like an intergalactic doofus.
Suddenly, the Skybotron flashed with a graphic accompanied by a musical stinger.
Rivalry Alert!
The Skybotron cut to a split screen of me and the Slaytriots, who appeared to be in the ruins of Center City. Dom Blady, Jess, and Rod were flipping over burnt cars with their bare hands. They looked up into the camera and I could only imagine they were seeing my face as I was seeing theirs.
Jess spoke, irritated, “Mistake. Showing him mercy.”
“Kid won’t last an hour,” Dom growled. “Come on! Move it!”
The split-screen dissolved back to Gil who looked flabbergasted, “You know, I never understood why some species can’t face extinction with a shred of dignity.”
“I hear ya, pal,” Blink nodded. “And it appears our fans have something to say about this new warrior as well.”
A quick montage of fan reaction shots flashed across the Skybotron. Alien watchers booed, hissed, and tossed their refreshments at the screens. Betting boards lit up with staggering odds pitted against my survival. Creatures of all races shoved fists and claws filled with credits into bookies’ faces, all trying to lay down bets on my demise.
A war horn blasted as the Skybotron cut back to Blink and Gil.
“Uh oh! You know what that means?!” Blink exclaimed.
I snapped my head around as the war horn rang out. “What was that?!”
A new notification banner popped into view.
Monster Seeding Initiated.
“Oh crap!” I tensed.
“That’s right, all you snackers, get your bowls of popplegroxx ready!” Blink bellowed. “As we speak, monsters are spawning at random all across the global game map.”
Gil nodded, “Ooooh. This is my favorite part!”
I was running full speed, hauling ass now. I huffed between strides, “Hey, ERNI… what kind of… monsters… are we facing?”
“While I don’t have specifics, the first quarter usually includes lower classes… 5 through 7. Smaller, and easier to defeat. But, sometimes there are surprises.”
“Surprises?! I don’t… like the… sound of that.”
I made my way to the Ducati. I righted the bike and dusted off the ash.
“Do you know how to operate this vehicle?” ERNI asked.
I looked down with sudden realization. “Uh… no.”
I hopped on and started it up. As soon as it started rolling, a notification popped up.
New Trophy! Needs No Instruction.
Reward: 1 Can “Hold My Beer” Ale.
The Ducati lurched forward, and I nearly flipped off the seat. I managed to regain my balance and wrestled the bike onto a semi-straight path.
“Oh jeez… okay… I might be able to do this.”
More notifications flashed.
New Trophy! Brave Yet Foolish.
Reward: Daring Dumbass Play Pack.
New Trophy! Cheating Death.
Reward: But, Did You Die Though? Play Pack.
“What the hell are all of these trophy notifications?”
“Trophies appear in your virtual trophy case and commemorate your in-game achievements. Collecting trophies is a quick way to earn in-game items and upgrades.”
Another pop-up appeared.
“+91 Fans.”
“Hey! Ninety-one fans? That’s good, right?”
“Statistically, it is not.”
As the Ducati raced forward, I shouted, unable to make out the conversation over the oncoming wind.
“WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“One moment,” ERNI said.
ERNI spoke again, though this time, inaudibly. Instead, I heard his voice directly in my brain. An accompanying transcript flashed across my HUD like a text conversation.
ERNI has entered mental chat.
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
[ERNI] Is this better?
“YES!” I yelled.
[ERNI] There is no need for you to respond audibly. This is Mental Chat—a stealth speech feature we’ll use in loud environments or when silence is required because enemies are near. Just as you can hear my voice in your thoughts, simply think your replies and I’ll be able to hear them as well. Go ahead. Test it out.
[ME] LIKE THIS?!
[ERNI] Yes, but there is no need to scream your thoughts. Simply think of how you would normally speak.
[ME] Oh. My bad. This is weird. Tickles a little.
[ERNI] In time, you will get used to it.
[ME] So what is this… telepathy?
[ERNI] Not exactly. This is more of a subsonic neural conduction, but do we really want to get into those details right now?
[ME] No. Good point.
Several notifications flashed by faster than I could process them. After a moment, they auto-minimized into the playbook icon.
[ME] So, with the notifications… I saw something called Play Packs?
[ERNI] Yes. Play Packs contain various items that can assist you in the game. Some examples are strategy plays, weapons, power-ups, and stat modifiers.
[ME] Sweet. Well, open them up and tell me what we got.
[ERNI] I cannot open them while you are operating a moving vehicle.
[ME] Why not?
[ERNI] You must be stationary in order to examine them.
[ME] Why?
[ERNI] The ISL doesn’t believe in distracted driving.
[ME] You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!
----
We were on I-76, the Schuylkill expressway, navigating the wreckage of scorched gridlock. The endless string of charred vehicles could have easily been mistaken for the blackened vertebrae of some roasted beast. I was getting better on the bike, weaving in and out of the jagged obstacles and hazards.
New Trophy! Dream Weaver.
Reward: ZigZag Play Pack.
“Ahh look at that action!” Blink said as the Skybotron cut to warriors battling an incoming horde of winged rat-like critters in the city. The flying vermin twisted mid-air, firing steaming hot acid turds at the warriors. Some caught the turds directly in the face and screamed as they burned through their skin. Others were more successful in evading the attack. They flipped and tumbled out of the way and swatted the creatures down with pipes and metal knuckles.
From the highway, I could hear thundering blasts and see plumes of smoke rising between the skyscrapers down in Center City.
[ME] Whoa! It’s really popping off down there! I haven’t seen a monster yet.
[ERNI] Monsters are instinctively drawn to the orbs. Since that is where most warriors run first, it sets off immediate clashes.
[ME] Well, can’t we just avoid the orbs to avoid the monsters?
[ERNI] Not if you wish to make it to the fourth quarter to confront Dom Blady. Retrieving orbs and scoring Orb-Downs are essential to remain in the game. Plus, you will need the points. You will also need some memorable monster kills in order to earn fans and corporate sponsors. From a strategy standpoint, sponsors are critical because of their ability to send in-game perks and gear.
Several alien warriors zipped past me, leaping at breakneck speeds, powered by their armor suits. One tossed a grenade in my direction. It detonated just ahead of me, erasing a huge chunk of asphalt. I swerved as the shockwave nearly blew me off the Ducati.
“Ahhhh!” I grunted, struggling to regain control of the handlebars.
I veered around the smoldered wreckage of an armed troop carrier and wrestled the bike back into a straight line.
[ME] That was close! Hang on. Gonna find some cover so we can check those Play Packs.
[ERNI] Good idea.
----
I exited the highway, steered down a couple of side streets and headed towards the shadowy entrance to an underground parking garage. A mechanical lift-gate barred the entrance. I ducked down and gunned the throttle. The bike rocketed through the gate, sending shattered bits of fiberglass everywhere. The Ducati screamed down the ramp and into a world of darkness.
New Trophy! Barrier Breaker.
Reward: Busting Through Play Pack.
Down below, the busted headlight flickered like a strobe, offering momentary glimpses into the void. The garage was cluttered with idle vehicles, queued for exit. They sat still, their windows coated with ash residue from the vaporizations. ERNI and I took it all in.
ERNI spoke audibly again. “They call this the ‘Planet Purge.’ It happens before every Slayer Bowl. Apparently, it makes planets much easier to steal.”
I was silent—many emotions brewing. With our systems synced, I could tell ERNI sensed exactly how I was feeling.
“It is most unfortunate what happened to your mother.”
The Ducati parked, I sat on the hood of a car. The garage rocked from a surface blast above. Bits of concrete crumbled down from the ceiling.
“Alright, ERNI… show me what we got.”
The playbook opened to a new page. Of the nine squares on the grid, seven of them were populated with new icons.
The first item, zoomed front and center. It was a can of beer. The 3D graphic rotated as if it were on an invisible turntable.
“Hold My Beer” Ale - 1/1.
Drink this to lower inhibitions by 50%.
“Okay,” I said. “Next.”
The beer can zoomed back to the grid in the background. In its place, a foil pack of sports cards zoomed up front.
Daring Dumbass Play Pack.
The pack tore open on its own with a fancy animation accompanied by a musical chime. The foil disappeared with a magical poof, revealing a motorcycle helmet. The helmet was purple, decorated with glitter and star stickers and had a large unicorn horn protruding from the front. An info label appeared just above.
Cutesy Cranium Keeper.
Wear this to reduce head trauma by 75%.
“What is this?!” I scoffed.
“Some rewards are better than others. Although, this item does provide a tangible protection benefit.”
“Next.”
The helmet slid back into the grid as another foil pack zoomed forward.
But, Did You Die Though? Play Pack.
The pack disappeared, leaving behind two paper items: a pamphlet and a name tag.
”A Warrior’s Guide To Combat” Pamphlet.
Warrior Name Tag.
I reached out and opened the pamphlet. It was completely blank inside, with the exception of two words: “Don’t die.”
“Oh, great. Real helpful.”
I grabbed the name tag to get a closer look.
It read:
”Hello, my name is Warrior.”
I tossed aside both items, which minimized back into my inventory.
“Can’t we get something useful?”
Next up was:
ZigZag Play Pack.
—which opened to reveal:
Healer-Ade - 1/1.
Drink to recuperate health by 50%. Does not replace lost limbs or compensate for extreme stupidity.
Squishy Stress Ball.
Squish to relieve stressful moments on the battlefield.
Kazoo of Crushed Spirits.
Play within earshot of enemies to demoralize them by 25%.
I perked up, “Okay. Not a total loss. Next.”
“Smile, You’re on Skybotron” Play Pack.
Slayer Bowl Memories Portrait.
It was a bad, framed photo of me looking bruised and confused on the Skybotron. Blink and Gil were superimposed on either side of my face, flashing cheesy smiles and thumbs up. At the bottom of the portrait were the words: “Sweet Slayer Bowl Memories.”
“Get this crap outta here!”
Next up was:
Busting Through Play Pack.
The pack disappeared, revealing:
Rubber Chicken Nunchucks.
These mothercluckers pack a wallop.
These were exactly as they sounded. It was a pair of nunchucks fashioned by two rubber chickens tied together by the feet, their open mouths serving as the striking ends.
“This is nonsense!” I grumbled.
“They might actually be useful,” ERNI interjected.
“Yeah, whatever. Let’s see the last one.”
The final foil pack slid forward.
”I Survived Annihilation” Play Pack.
This one contained some sort of hand cannon.
I leaned forward, grabbing it, “Now we’re talking.”
I read the info label.
T-shirt Cannon - 6/6.
Preloaded with “I Survived Annihilation” T-shirts.
Objective Complete: Find Weapons.
“Hmm. Okay.” I muttered, swiping it back into the playbook. “So, that’s it, huh? That’s all I have to work with so far?”
“You will obtain better power-ups as your kill count increases and you find equipment trunks and corpses to loot.”
SQUEAAKK!
Instinctively, I switched to mental chat, reacting to the noise in the far corner of the garage.
[ME] WHAT WAS THAT?!
[ERNI] According to the map…
I glanced at the circular map in the corner. A red dot appeared.
[ERNI] …that is your first monster.