1st Quarter: 24:53:17
Warriors: 4,677,923
I followed the Slayer Orb indicator on the map. It led me to an old manufacturing complex, made up of interconnected factories and substations with towering smokestacks. According to the map, the Slayer Orb was nestled somewhere deep within the heart of the compound.
“Needle in a haystack?” I scratched my head.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” ERNI said.
“It’s nothing… just an expression.”
I circled a few of the buildings, looking for an easy way in. Of course, all of the entrances were locked shut. I climbed a rickety ladder up to one of the rooftops and found my way in through a broken skylight.
Inside, , the building looked like a decommissioned train car factory. There were all sorts of gigantic, dormant machines and train parts. The place was layered with cobwebs and coated with dust. I heard a strange chittering coming from the deeper bowels of the building.
[ME] Any ideas on what that was?
[ERNI] I’m unfamiliar with that sound pattern.
[ME] Yeah… we really need to get you an audio detection upgrade.
I walked between lilting stacks of oxidized train wheels and rows of stamped sheet metal. I discovered the remains of a homeless person who must have been squatting here. There was a pile of ash, a grungy beanie, soiled shirt, jeans, and a sleeping bag, along with a couple of freshly-emptied bottles of beer.
I looked at the map. Now there was a ‘Distance-to-item’ ticker counting down from 150 yards. With each step, the number got slightly smaller. I heard more noises coming from the distance and equipped the rubber chicken nunchucks. I’d seen what they could do, but I needed more than just a melee weapon. I needed something with range. And I had major doubts about what a t-shirt cannon could do to a charging enemy.
SSSSSSHEWP!
Something whizzed past my ear with such velocity that it could only be one thing. I’d heard that sound too many times through my 3D gaming headphones. I ducked behind a huge metal press and looked at my map. I saw a yellow dot that quickly faded.
[ME] ERNI, that was a live round! Somebody is shooting at me! Wait. Was that a warrior?! We’re not allowed to directly attack one another! And where the hell did he go?!
[ERNI] I am unsure. It is true. Warriors are not allowed to terminate one another until the Sudden Death Final. This is a direct violation of the tournament rules and cause for immediate disqualification.
I swapped the nunchucks for the t-shirt cannon. It was the only thing I had that looked remotely like a gun. Maybe I could bluff my way out of this one.
My eyes darted between the map and the direction that I thought the bullet came from: a second-story concourse overlooking the factory floor. I looked back and forth, scanning the shadows.
[ME] I don’t see anyone. Can you?
[ERNI] Perhaps they are using a cloaking mechanism.
That made sense. After all, the yellow dot on the map only appeared for a brief moment. Perhaps their camouflage was interrupted when they fired.
[ME] Think, Sam. Think, think, think…
I was top-ranked when it came to KDAs in Ogre Splat. But in real life…? Totally different situation. There was no respawn here. This was one and done.
PING!!!
Another bullet ricocheted off the metal press I was hiding under. The yellow blip flashed on the map again. I squinted, taking a good look at the second floor railing. This time, I spotted something—barely noticeable—a luminous shimmer in the shadows.
[ME] I see you…
I lined up a shot. Since, I didn’t have a cloaking mechanism, I was certain that I appeared on his map as a yellow dot. I was a sitting duck unless I could figure a way to flush him out. Lucky for me, he broke the cardinal rule of sniping. He didn’t move in-between shots.
FOOMP!
I fired the t-shirt cannon. A balled t-shirt fired up, arcing diagonally right at him. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn’t what happened next. As soon as the t-shirt contacted him, it auto-equipped onto his body. There stood this phantom warrior, completely invisible, except for the “I Survived Annihilation” t-shirt that was fitted around his torso.
I had to stifle a laugh as the disembodied t-shirt started to move like a ghost. The t-shirt cannon icon in my HUD now displayed an ammo count of 5/6.
The t-shirt dropped to the factory floor and made a beeline towards me. I re-equipped the chicken nunchucks and ran straight at it. This was the craziest thing I’d ever done. It was ludicrous and funny until it wasn’t.
I saw a couple of muzzle flashes and felt the bullets’ impact before I heard the gunshots. I screamed, clutching my chest. I looked down, expecting to see blood but was stunned to see the metal slugs, flattened against the rusty, armor chest plate. The t-shirt sprinted towards me, mere feet away, now. My chest throbbed, like it had been hit with a sledgehammer. Still, I swung the nunchucks in a vicious arc to where the warrior’s head should be.
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
BUCKKAWWWW!
They squawked as they made impact. The warrior decloaked, flying through the air, landing with a heavy thud 20 feet away. I raced over to him to deal another blow. As I raised the nunchucks to strike, a yellow flag materialized next to the warrior’s body. A shrill, digital whistle pierced the air. A refbot appeared, freezing me in place with a beam emitted from its palm.
“Penalty!” it announced in a tinny voice. “Warrior assault.”
Its robotic head swiveled from me to the downed warrior. It projected a second beam on him and he quickly vanished, teleported elsewhere.
“Penalty enforcement: immediate weapon confiscation.”
The nunchucks disappeared from my hands and playbook.
The yellow flag and the refbot also dissipated.
“What the actual hell was that about?! This guy tries to kill me, and I get a penalty for defending myself?! ERNI, help me out here!”
“I am unsure of how to interpret this sequence of events. It does not align with core Slayer Bowl rules. Let me investigate.”
“Yeah, you do that.”
My chest was heaving. It took a moment to catch my breath and settle down. The chittering was growing louder in the distance, and I didn’t have time for this. I had to get to the Slayer Orb.
That’s when the first creature leapt over my shoulder. It landed with a solid thunk and spun around, looking at me. It was an insect about the size of a house cat.
It looked like:
“…a grasshopper?”
An info box flashed above the creature.
Gashopper. Level 6.
When you see these creatures, you’d better hop to it. Their gas packs a poisonous punch.
The gashopper and I circled one another. It stared at me, mandibles chomping. I was chock full of adrenaline from the warrior fight and put up my dukes.
“Oh, what?! You wanna go?! Come on!”
I was pretty amped up, and I could be wrong, but the gashopper raised a leg, and I could have sworn it flashed a middle claw at me.
“You crickety son of a—“
The creature flexed its hind legs and jumped straight at me. I cocked my arm back and unleashed a punch, connecting with its face. The creature landed hard, a health bar appearing above its body. My punch had dealt 50% damage, leaving it half green, half red. It righted itself and chittered at me.
“Yeah! That’s right!” I shouted. “You can catch these hands!”
Jesus, I was starting to sound like Todd from work. And I remember just how well that worked out for him.
The gashopper jumped again, corkscrewing mid-air. I threw another punch, this time, connecting with its thorax. The creature landed dead, but not before spewing a noxious plume of green gas. My entire field of vision flashed red as my health gauge took a hit.
Alert: Poison Damage! -10% Health.
“Aghh!” I groaned, feeling the effects of the poison all throughout my body.
My map lit up with a group of approaching red dots. More monsters were moving in fast. I looked down at the dead gashopper and saw the familiar message.
Would you like to loot Gashopper?
“Yes.”
Item Acquired: Mad Hops Play.
Item Acquired: Gas Knuckles.
I didn’t know what the hell Gas Knuckles were, but I immediately equipped them. Both of my fists became fortified with metal knuckles, the tip of each bearing a protruding gas nozzle.
The gashopper swarm came quickly, leaping from all directions. I took out the first couple right away with a series of well-placed punches. The Gas Knuckles fired a small cloud of red vapor with each strike. Clearly, this was as poisonous to them as their noxious green fumes were to me. Several of them sprayed me with their gas. My vision flashed red and with each spray, I took another 10% health hit. My health gauge was now at 60%.
They surrounded me in a circle, antennas twitching as if they were sending messages to one another on how to coordinate their attack.
[ME] ERNI, you’re hella quiet! Feel free to jump in here with any helpful advice!
[ERNI] During combat engagement, my primary objective is to offer silent support and to not distract. Your current counter-attacks have proven effective. I suggest you continue this course.
“Okay!” I shouted as I put another couple of gashoppers down.
There were only two left now. They flanked me on opposite sides. I kept a ready stance, waiting for their next move. Antennas flicking, they launched their attack in unison, both leaping at me from opposite sides at the same time. I ducked below as the two of them collided headfirst, and ripped uppercuts into the middle of their bodies. The Gas Knuckles did the rest. They dropped with a lifeless thud. My health gauge hit 50% and started flashing:
Warning: You are hurt. Seek cover immediately!
I could hear my heartbeat as it thumped in synced rhythm with my flashing health gauge. I summoned the Healer-Ade from my inventory and drank the rest of it.
Healer-Ade Depleted - 0/1
The bottle disappeared from my hands as my health number rose back to 75. The red flashing and heartbeat subsided.
I stood in the middle of the gashopper corpses, all of them with legs pointed up. A few of them twitched with post-mortem spasms. Several notifications appeared.
New Trophy! Mob Mentality.
Reward: 25% Faster healing from damage sustained during mob fights.
New Trophy! Catch These Hands.
Reward: +15% Damage inflicted from standard strikes.
New Trophy! Hive Mind Your Business.
Reward: Temporary mob communication disruption when fighting three or more opponents.
Another prompt appeared.
Loot all Gashoppers?
I thought, “Yes,” and a stream of items flashed quickly in my Notification Center.
Item Acquired: Antennas Up Play.
Item Acquired: Compound Eye Vision - 2/2.
Item Acquired: Silent But Deadly Cloaking - 1/1.
Item Acquired: Insecto-Exoskeleton Armor Set.
Item Acquired: Toxic Fart Grenades - 3/3.
The creatures all evaporated as the items were automatically added to my playbook. I instantly swapped my rusty armor for the exoskeleton set. Sure, the rusty armor had saved my life, but it was extremely uncomfortable and difficult to move in. This new armor was greenish in hue, lightweight, and extremely maneuverable. It had tiny spikes running down the sides of the shoulders, arms, and legs, like the tibial spurs on a grasshopper’s limbs.
“You handled yourself very well,” ERNI said.
“Thanks,” I said, dusting my hands off. “I… uh… don’t like bugs.”
“Clearly.”
I did a slow turn, scanning the area for any further enemies. And that’s when I saw an equipment chest at the far end of the warehouse.
I stood over the chest, surprised that this one wasn’t open. I looked up at the roof to see if it had fallen through, but there was no hole. This led me to a theory that while some chests dropped into our world, others were randomly seeded in certain places.
I thought, “Open,” and the trunk’s metal catches unlatched and its lid flipped open like a switchblade. I was hoping for a gun, but what I got instead, immediately changed my mind and my entire strategy going forward.
The hologram swirled and shimmered in front of me. It looked like a sword with a plus button floating next to it. As I touched it, the hologram dissolved, and a pop-up replaced it.
Item Acquired: Existing Equipment Booster - 1/1.
Use this to upgrade the capabilities of an existing weapon in your inventory.
I mentally stowed the Gas Knuckles, and my mind turned to the weapons I had all along… my pizza cutters.