“Tyliana,” Joulo called. “What do you know about the domain of accident magic?”

The goddess of feathers hardly looked up from the embers of her favorite bird. “I know it was big when people cowered in caves, and dragon blood exploded with power. Less so now, but still popular with caffeinated goblins and college students without caffeine. Side effects of it going wrong are always catastrophic.”

Her voice got quieter as she spoke, and with horror, Joulo realized why. Tyliana faded into the distance as the table they sat at warped. No one noticed as reality shifted, and the space between them grew. Without the table that held them together, they were just individual gods once more. Joulo had been left alone with the goddess of goblins and bombs. It had turned into a hostage situation.

“Don’t be so worried hon, I think I know a way to clear out the demon in your domain. We have to starve it and purify the mana. Here, I have a special tea just for that.”

With alchemy and cooking being so closely related to kitchen fires, it was no surprise when the old goblin pulled out a kettle that smelled like boiled socks. The entire situation put Joulo on edge, but she was tired of so many bad things happening to her. With no one to turn to for advice, she steeled her resolve. She was tired of being a victim, and if this person was offering her help, even if she could only help a little, then Joulo would listen to what she had to say.

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The dungeon congratulates itself on a job well won as Vault, the monster it forgot it had, ground the weird lich to dust. He was still alive and talking smack, but the dungeon was a sophisticated being of higher intellect- one that was far too busy laughing as Vault punted the lich’s not-so-severed-head.

It was the Empress, who noticed a new arrival and interrupted this victory. The invader named Baros snuck past the burning forest and the lack of monsters to reach the ant’s nest. Luckily the dungeon’s core was protected by… what was once a horde of ants that stood guard around the core, but dungeon told them to go fight, and now they’re dead.

But dungeon planned for this! The labyrinth is long and confusing, and the Baros invader kept taking wrong turns and getting lost. Maybe this can buy time for monsters to respawn? Bird’s cooldown is paused… Shimmer officially just dead. Vault is busy killing an immortal, and trees need to regrow. It would seem the dungeon doesn’t have any monsters left. Is the dungeon defenseless?

Baros reaches into an empty pack and pulled out a compass that tastes wonderfully like magic. He uses it to find his way deeper, as dungeon watches with a head full of thoughts on how much it wants to eat the compass. It learned people are good food, but magic is a better source of mana. Before dungeon can figure out what the compass might taste like, he pulls out a second magic item.

A feather that launches him across a large ravine the ants dug out. He stumbles on the landing and drops the compass, which Dungeon is very happy about. A nice little meal as Baros travels deeper and towards the heart of the dungeon. Dungeon eats the compass just in time to see Baros found the hole Vault made and used it to descend several levels instantly. Thats not good, hes getting a little close… Good thing the dungeon has a backup plan: Violence!

“Ants, rise up and attack!” It commands the few ants it had in reserve.

The last three ants gather and head off the invader. Coated in metal, these ants were constructed from dark rituals, and are more than strong enough to- never mind, Baros had another magic item for that, just blew up the cave.

Wait, shouldn’t that increase understanding or something?

> Understanding Increased: The tragedies of war - a black powder of destructive force that will annihilate the fingers of hooligans if misused.

That’s not the normal System voice. Who is that?

> This is the dark shadow of the slimes, a detective that is filling it.

No time to think about how that works. The Baros invader is mutating! The red and hostile force that clung to him to mark him as an invader flashes and fades as he gets close. He is no longer an invader, and he becomes… nothing. Oh, he must be related to the lich person. The dungeon did hear its monsters talking about the family of necromancers that hide from the system. Guess it now knows why the lich wasn’t really an invader.

Baros keeps wandering in circles because he is too stupid to look up! Hahaha, the dungeon is wise, and learned no one ever looks up, especially not underground. The dungeon is far smarter than-

He looked up and saw the core. Oh yeah, this family can hear the dungeon’s thoughts. That’s probably not good, but at least he can’t reach-

How did he fit an entire ladder into his backpack?

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The god of goblins sets the cup on an empty table between them. No cards, no game, just two gods having a conversation. Joulo doesn’t know how it came to this, but she realizes this isn’t her table. Her domain is corrupt and rotten, and this one is the land of another god.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“Where are your cards? Don’t you need them to play?”

“Hush, hon, I only have a few cards, and they are all on lone. I try not to keep them, since I hand them out as soon as I get them. My domain is one of accidents, and mistakes don’t define people, so I make sure they move on. It’s what I did with the Baros child, as he should have been your champion.”

She said this was such a calm tone Joulo couldn’t help but nod along as if this was the most normal thing in the world. Mistakes happen, and the god of them knew that best, so why question it? Why make her brain do so much work when she could keep staring at the rusted kettle covered in moss the goblin used to pour her a drink. The swirls of corrosion and lichen were almost hypnotic.

Once filled, the goblin pushed the clay mug towards Joulo so she could get a better look. Black and vicious, with several things that floated on the surface. The goblin reached in with her gnarled fingers to fish them as she introduced herself properly. “My name is Oops, and I am the bane of demons. They need order and structure to corrupt, but I’m the very antithesis of what they need to survive.”

Joulo knew there was an unspoken part to that truth. ‘Too chaotic for the system to let me play a normal game.’

With the cup before her, Joulo couldn’t stop the doubt in her mind. “Is this poison?”

“You are already poisoned, dear. This will just kill the cancer that has taken root, but only if you drink all of it, anything less, and it will spread.”

“Why are you helping?”

“I don’t like demons, and I was a friend to the first Joulo.”

“Wait, you knew my sister?”

“I predate even the queen of knowledge. Of course I knew her. She was a sweet girl who opened her arms to all that traversed her mountains up to the day that lich entered her domain.”

Stupid question, Joulo thought. Anyone with half a smile would know her sister. It was less than a hundred years ago. A century had passed, but in the grand scheme of things, it was a blink of an eye for some. A blink of the eye since Joulo became a god after she claimed her sister’s name and domain. One hundred years that she remembered every minute- every painful second. Silence and suffering marked each moment, starvation and loneliness. Nothing had changed until recently.

Joulo was a name held by those who suffered, but she was done being defined by that misery. She had friends, a land that could be healed, and enough confidence to look this goblin in the eye as she spoke her next words.

“Alright, what do we have to do?”

“Just drink.”

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The two were in sync. God and mortal, their actions mirrored as fate closed in like a vise. Both were completely sure of what they had to do for a better future- for themselves to not just survive but live. Unshackled, each stared down their target and let the doubt wash away.

“No one knows how dangerous you are.” The mortal spoke to the gray crystal before him. “Dungeons aren’t supposed to be like this. You have grown too much, and if you die today this world will continue. I won't let you be enslaved, I can’t let her win.”

“A fresh start?” Joulo asked the goblin, who only nodded in return.

Mana condensed around the two as time dilated. Their movements were slow and deliberate. The dungeon- the mountains- vibrated with unease as the world continued to spin in its apathetic ways. No one wanted this, but not even the gods could rewind time.

The only way was forward.

Baros reached for a hammer dark as night.

Joulo reached for the cup, heavy as a star.

His hand slick with sweat.

Her hands trembled.

Neither worried for themselves, as they weren’t those people. They worried about what the future may bring if they failed here. If the demons left to fester and destroy. It was rare for a god to die, but it happened before, and both were paying the price today. They steeled their resolve, and raised their hands.

Hammer held high. Ready to destroy.

Cup brought to her lips. Poison ready to kill.

The hammer struck true.

Liquid passed her lips, so thick she had to chew.

Cracks formed.

The hammer rose again, only to fall once more.

Unable to withstand its might, the dungeon’s core fractured. Its surface spiderwebbed.

Her eyes burned as her throat closed. It was horrific, but she pressed on.

Divine mana, primal and all-powerful bled into the world. The core’s density was compromised- the god’s connection to her domain waned. The mountains glowed as pure energy flowed like wine- like blood.

Both were dying. Both pressed on.

With the force of an ocean, the mana pushed against him. It battered his soul directly.

Joulo felt the world go light as her mana drained. Her body- her domain- being flushed of the parasites.

Both on the precipice of success, then the worse happened.

She choked, her throat on fire.

He fell, his soul on fire.

The cup fell. Shattered into a million uncaring pieces.

The hammer fell, the muscles in his hand eaten away.

The god failed to take in air, her domain dying around her.

He fell to his knees, the mana in the air so powerful it broke something inside of him.

Both were to weak to continue.

They struggled on the edge of life.

The god of goblins only had a single thing to say as she looked beyond, to see a broken, but still living dungeon core.

“Oops…”