“It’s time to stop beating around the bush, ain’t it?” I muttered softly, those words were meant to myself, anyway. “Let me get something obvious out of the way. I don’t think it would surprise either of you, but I am a textbook definition of a greedy, selfish, fickle bastard. Which leads us to a logical conclusion. Yes, of course, I want to give this arrangement a try. As for the outcome, obviously enough, I would like for it to ultimately work. There are no downsides for me, bar the chance of some misguided jealousy on my part.”
Woah, what a shock. All of my masks not only had a ready solution for the situation, but it was the same solution as well. On second thought, it wasn’t all that surprising. After all, it was truly a simple solution – just shut up.
“There is a big part of me that is very much like an adrenaline junkie. Except for me, the thrill isn’t limited to something risky. Pretty much anything to stall out my boredom will do. The longer I am bored, though, the more extreme things become acceptable. I guess it’s not that different from any other junkie in the middle of their search for the next hit.” I continued against my better judgment. Another glance at my audience. Neither seemed to be overly surprised, even if I highly doubted Olivia could really measure the true scope of what I meant by ‘extreme’. Not that it was her fault. “And so… I’m fucking thrilled with this possibility. It, quite possible, opens up a different path. Something new. Something I can’t predict the ultimate result of, at least not yet. Ultimately, I can’t even be sure how exactly I, myself, would act.”
Maybe it even could help me to achieve some resemblance of control over my shitty nature. Not that I would say this out loud.
“But even this isn’t the full answer yet,” I chuckled. “Sadly, from now on, since I am aware of the chance it can work, it became a possibility I no longer can just ignore. What a mess.”
Yeah, I could totally see my nature becoming even more of an issue instead. As a wise man once said: ‘One is enough. Once there are two, there could as well be all of them.’ I forced myself not to laugh at this stray thought. It was harder and harder to keep myself in control.
“Ah, there are so many things to consider. For example, could this arrangement even work for someone like me? You know, once I meet someone interesting enough, what will happen?”
There was a matter with Helen, whose response I was still waiting for. Hm, even Claire, even if not yet set in stone, garnered enough of my attention to be a concern from this point of view.
“Yet, the actual worst thing is a simple fact. Everything I just said is a fundamental part of me. Something that I can't change about myself, no matter how hard I try, and, believe me, I’ve tried my whole life.” At this point, I couldn’t even try to sketch a proper expression on my face. I briefly wondered if it reflected my current inner turmoil? Honestly, I didn’t care. “That said, it’s not like I seek your understanding, much less acceptance. It’s not even a topic for a discussion. It is what it is, I informed you, and I’m not even sure why I did that. Maybe I wanted you to know? Perhaps I wanted to get it out? Or, most likely, it's just the most interesting way forward. Take it however you want.”
If you come across this story on Amazon, it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.
I closed my eyes, slowly inhaling and exhaling, trying, and failing, to calm myself down. I felt an animal grin stretching my lips. Not good.
“Well, now I will leave you two to do your own talking. As much as I am interested in the result, if you can’t do at least this much without my interference, this whole thing is doomed to fail anyway,” I stated the fact.
Olivia and Bella didn’t bother to voice their answer, currently deep into their thoughts. I was in no condition to even make an accurate evaluation of the possibilities, either.
Whatever.
“If either of you decide to join me for the night, I will be down in the bar. Just give me a bit of time alone, please.” I said, walking towards the door. “Eh, it’s a bit awkward, but, Bella, see you on Sunday. And Olivia, I still count on you for that meeting with Su Lin.”
Finishing my words, I waved my hand and closed the door behind myself.
***
For the second week in a row, I felt completely spent after leaving this door. Even thinking was hard right now. I wanted a smoke, still haven't bought any by the way, and a drink. Maybe a fight would be nice as well. That sounded like the plan to me: get some booze in, then look for trouble.
Would either of the two women I left in the office join me? No idea. Ah, here it comes, my spiral of self-doubt. I could be almost sure that Bella won’t break all ties after this fiasco, but Olivia, on the other hand… Eh, why was she even an issue here? Wasn’t she just another pretty face on my crooked road of life? Was it about this weird relaxing effect she had on me? I knew I shouldn't have gotten used to it. Fuck.
As my mind pondered upon those complex mysteries, my feet dragged me all the way to the first floor. Bella knew her stuff. Even if the club wasn’t her primary business, she still did a miraculous job of managing it, or, at the very least, hiring the right people to do that. So, as usual on Friday, it was packed.
Ignoring the lights, music, atmosphere, and all that crap, I pushed my way through the crowd of dancing people, aiming in the general direction of a bar counter. I did it in a deliberately rude way, hoping inside that some hothead would get his britches in a twist and I will have an excuse for some violence. My hopes were dashed. I couldn’t be sure whether my luck was just that bad, or people didn’t want to deal with a guy like me, but nobody took the bait. Screw you too, fate.
After reaching my destination, and politely asking someone to kindly fuck off, which still didn’t lead to the desired outcome, crap, I felt myself lost for a brief moment, trying to choose what to drink. In the end, I opted to order ‘the usual’ from a bartender, who clearly recognized me. After downing whatever it was, and repeating my order twice more, I finally got some of that pleasant buzzing feeling inside my head. Strangely, this actually helped to clear my thoughts as well. Go and guess why.
Opting not to get too drunk, yet, just in case, I got a low-alcohol long drink and scanned the club interior, marking, with long since polished precision, possible targets. I wasn’t in the right mood for a one-night stand hunting, but interfering with other people doing exactly that could lead to a conflict. I felt my, still present, animal smirk growing wider.