A quick glance toward my watch confirmed that, surprisingly enough, we were still on time. Noticing my actions, Olivia lowered her face down and slowly exhaled, most likely forcing herself to decide on something. For a moment, I wished for an ability to read other people's minds, though that probably would've made my life even more boring than it already was.
“I understand,” my mistress said after a moment, raising her face back to look at me. “Let’s go?”
“Let’s…” I opened my mouth, ready to accept Olivia’s offer, but caught myself instead. Whatever decision my mistress came to, it wasn’t one she was one hundred percent sure of, or, at the very least, it made her feel quite conflicted. Not really all that unexpected, I guess. And, all things considered, it was more than acceptable in my books. From what I could guess, immediate concerns were alleviated, boring, unnecessary drama avoided, and I got the desired outcome. Yet, I knew all too well what this will lead to if left alone. I just never really cared before. Eh, if I planned to change things this time around, it won’t hurt to do this at least once, right? “Let’s talk some more instead.”
“What is there to talk about?” Her eyes still reflected the same impossible mix of ever-changing emotions as before.
“Well, we can start with you telling me what exactly bothers you so much right now.” I paused, looking for the right words. “Look, whatever it is, just avoiding the issue and trying to play it off won’t work. It will backfire one way or another, if not right now, then at some point in the future.”
“Do you really not understand, or is this the part where you’re playing dumb on purpose again?” The kaleidoscope inside her eyes started moving once more as she glared at me.
“I can make a guess, of course. And the result will be, most likely, pretty accurate,” I shrugged. “But I would never know for sure unless you tell me yourself.”
“I… am jealous. I’m feeling anxious and insecure. And, most of all, I have no idea what am I supposed to even think right now,” I finally heard Olivia speaking, just as every possible way this situation could go south played in quick succession inside my head.
Huh, so my guess was accurate for the most part. Still, this was only half of what I wanted to hear. What was left unsaid was the actual important stuff.
“Hm. And what are the reasons behind all of that?” Another exception to my typical routine. Getting actual answers, instead of trying to piece it all by myself, wasn’t as interesting.
“So you are messing around… Should have guessed,” said my mistress with a mix of blame and exasperation in her voice. “But… Fine. Since we are having this conversation anyway, I can entertain you for a bit more.”
Olivia once more lowered her face, cutting off my ability to read her expression. Now I could only keep my silence, giving her an opportunity to gather her thoughts and put them into words.
“You want to know the reason I’m jealous? Here I go, listen well. A week ago, when I proposed the same thing, you all but laughed it off. But after one conversation with that special woman of yours, you are now suddenly interested.” She scoffed. “Are you really? Or is it just you're playing along with her whims? And here comes my anxiety. What should I do if that’s what is going on? What if she tells I’m not up to her liking? Then what?”
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And, yet again, she raised her face and stared right into my eyes. I looked right back into her gaze. The chaos subsided slightly, leaving behind a simpler, albeit still not quite pleasant, mix of emotions. Uncertainty, anxiety, and apprehension were easy to pick even with a cursory glance.
“This whole situation could very well be the most important decision in my life. Quite frankly, I’m lost. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what I want to do. And I want someone to tell me that the choice I decided on is the correct one.” Her voice became quieter with every spoken word, turning into a barely audible whisper by the end. Anticipating my most likely reaction, she continued, her tone returning to normal. “And before you shrug it off with ‘Just show me more of you’ again, this is exactly that. This is a big part of me. Olivia, the little girl scared of doing the wrong thing. Who wishes for someone to pat her head occasionally and tell her she is a good girl. And, maybe, even praise her for doing great. So, honey, what do you want me to do? Just tell me, please, I really need to know.”
To my surprise, every single mask had an answer ready. Each with a clearly defined course of action, pros, cons, outcomes, and… time limits. Boring. If I was satisfied with something like that, I wouldn’t even bother to have this conversation in the first place. Which left me with a single choice: I needed to clearly choose the path by myself. So be it.
“Hey, I’m saying this upfront. No, I’m not messing with you. There is one last thing I need to know.” I said, barely holding back a deep sigh. After receiving a confirmation nod from Olivia, I continued. “What is your current decision?”
“My decision is still the same as it was a week ago. It’s nowhere nearly as easy to actually follow through on my words, but, as long as you want it, I’m ready to make the compromise,” my mistress said in a confident tone. “There is a wide range of actual reasoning at play, but at this point I neither want to discuss it, nor think you will truly believe me, anyway.”
I repeated her words inside my mind, weighing them in, pondering on possibilities. There was a lot to unpack here, something for the future me to worry about.
I took a deep breath, slowly exhaling, stalling for more time to come to an accord. It was definitely a new path, one that I couldn’t predict the result for, at least not with certainty. Isn’t this what I wanted from this second life of mine?
“I’m sorry. I need extra time to turn my thoughts into something coherent.” I glanced toward my watch, ten minutes short of midnight, but being late was the least of my current concerns. “My full answer concerns all three of us anyway, and there are some business-related things I need to discuss with Bella first. I can try to give you a short version right now, though.”
“Fine,” was the reply I got. “Give me the short version, then.”
“As I briefly mentioned, there is a lot on my mind regarding this… arrangement,” I voiced my thoughts. “Yet, I repeat myself. Yes. I would like to give it a try. Because it is the most interesting choice.”
***
A short silent walk later, the two of us stood in front of the door to Bella’s office. Heavens, I felt tired. Now that I think about it, last week wasn’t that different, but at least I was spent on the way out, not before even going in. I guess having to actually make decisions for myself, instead of going with the flow or just playing a predetermined role, was pretty exhausting. Who could've thought, huh?
I shook my head, chasing away a potential self-exploratory monologue, and threw a glance toward Olivia. She, after noticing my gaze, just shrugged. I raised an eyebrow at that. She rolled her eyes and nodded. I gave the door a brief knock and, as usual, went inside without waiting for a response.
“… now, just do me a favor. Take a big step back.” Bella was occupied with talking to someone over the phone. She stood with her back turned to the entrance, so I couldn’t judge her current mood in full, but her body language told me she was on the verge of exploding. “And literally. Fuck. Your. Own. Face. Fuckface.”