I see the date and moan."Fuck, it's been 10 years."

The snowgremlins look at me with gleaming eyes.

As I shiver in the cold I notice a small group of girls walking by. One is tightly holding a leash, but just a leash, while the rest are holding hands. A large man walks in front of them, holding a fur blanket.

"I used to be that guy," I mutter to myself.

The large man throws the blanket over me and sits next to you.

"Thank you," I say.

"You’re being held prisoner by a sexy bunny rabbit."The man laughs and pats your shoulder. "My name is Sir Hazeldine."

He points towards the screen, which now reads:

"Back off!"

A large blade emerges from Sir Hazeldine's mouth. Like a cat puking out a ball of hair, he pukes out the blade and uses it to cut the rope that is holding me. He laughs.

I get up and roll my shoulders."Time has passed like a dream." I stare at the bright screen once more.

-February 4, 2022- “Damn it.”

As I try to unlock the phone, a bright 7 appears.

“Press it.” Sir Hazeldine says. I comply.

A light appears, so intense my eyes are unable to handle the brightness. When it subsides, I find myself as a child once more. I look at my now seven years old hands. They are tiny, barely big enough to hold the phone. Then, I realise my mother still lives. This is my old neighbourhood!

"Mama?" I say.

I notice her little flower shop. It’s even better than I remember. She turns around from the counter and smiles.

"My boy! What brings you here?" She asks.

I hold out the phone in my hand.

"I think I... oh mama! I missed you!"

I throw my arms around Mama. She hugs me tightly and kisses me on each cheek.

"I missed you too, darling. Now, what was that you were saying?"

As soon as I open my mouth, a sword pierces my mother's chest. Blood spurts out of her and there, just above her shoulder, I see a face. I shield your eyes and flee.

I find myself crying. My sobbing is soon drowning out by laughter. I look up and realize that it is the Emperor laughing. His clothes look expensive and colourful. But what really grabs my attention is his hat. It looks like a pork pie.

"Why?" I yell, then I speak the word of power.

"Ha ha ha ha!"The Emperor laughs at my pathetic attempt.

I gather my strength and yell "Beem Baaam Boom!"

The Emperor stops laughing and stares in amazement. He raises his hands, which begin to crackle with electricity.

"I have successfully resisted your magic, Hot Pants!"

"Now try to resist my giant willy!"

"Fuck your Willy!" The Emperor begins to cackle. He summons his magic and draws a glowing sword.

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"I'm gonna chop your Willy!"

The Emperor roars and charges towards you. He attempts to grab your Johnson, but instead grabs your hand and points his sword at your face. He presses the sword against your hand, burning hot.

I free my hand and pull down my pants. "Slong attack! Helicopter swinging smack!"

The Emperor stops laughing. He stops cackling. He looks puzzled.

"You've learned the Japanese word for 'cock'?"

"Better still,” I say. “I have a Japanese cock"

"Arrgh!" the Emperor screams in agony.

The Emperor is hit by my attacks like it was a falling bookshelf. He crashes on the floor and immediately collapses. He scrambles up and begins to swear.

“Smack 'em with a dick!” I yell.

A stream of golden piss forms in the palm of my hand and flies into the Emperor's face. He screams in pain and begins to claw at his face.

The emperor gurgling as my piss attack hits his face.

Of a sudden, my mother appears in front of me. Her torso is torn open but she is alive and carrying a weapon. She raises the shotgun and blasts it at me. I blow her a kiss as she blows my brains out in return.

I cough. "I forgot you were a ghoulish fiend"

She gurgles and drops down as her soul passes on.

My body is dragged from the basement and burned. I drop to my knees and pick up the Emperor's sword and storm over to the Emperor, who looks up at you in awe.

My head feels like it's bursting. "What happened? Where am I?" I moan.

"Fuck you."The Emperor walks over to me."You forgot this, dickhead."

He kicks me in the back as I scramble up. He laughs.

"What now?" I ask.

"We get the hell out of here.” He says. “I can't believe we got swindled, I should have known better than to trust that bastard."

"Who? What happened?"

"Saritu, that was my fucking name for that bitch."

The Emperor slams my head into the wall. I see flashes of light and think this isn’t healthy.

"Don't you fucking dare ask me about my past or my family, dickhead."

I look down at my crotch and realise I have lost my dong."Shit"

"Now we get the hell out of this city."

The Emperor grabs my hand and pulls me up. He leads me out of the shop.

"Fuck, my didgeridoo,” I say. “It's gone!"

"Oh wait, maybe it's in your pocket?" The Emperor says as he kicks me. I drop to the pavement and he laughs.

I search his pocket instead.

You reach into the Emperor's pocket and pull out his dick.

"I found yours."

"Good, now let's go."

The Emperor leads me along the street, heading off north.

"We need to find my banana," I say.

The Emperor stops and turns to you.

"We? What do you mean, 'we'?"

I pause, realizing I've just given away that we know each other. "We used to be lovers, René"

The Emperor laughs and turns away.

"No, we were never lovers. Don't be stupid."

I’m confused for a few moments, but realize that this is the Emperor I’m talking to.

He grabs me by the shoulders again. "Listen carefully, you stupid maggot, my name isn't René. That fucker's dead."

The Emperor let me go and walks away, shaking his head. "You are a fucking tool, you know that right?"

I shrug and follow the Emperor."So where are we headed?"

"Away from here, and fast. We need to get out of this city, back to the palace."