Cildr.

A town of ash, and ruins. It was once a home, but now every memory I have of this place is stained in blood and ash. My home disappeared with mother and father.

“Are you okay?” Adeleya asks, squeezing my hand tight.

I nod.

It’s the promised time.

If I wait any longer then I’ll never be able to say what I want to say. If I don’t tell her how I feel now, afraid that she’ll reject me and come to hate me, then I’ll lock the feeling inside until it’s too late.

“I can’t see any new tracks,” Lothar says, staring at the dirt road as we head into town. “If those undead bandits-”

“Shades, that’s what we’re calling them,” Nadia interrupts.

“Well, if the shades were here, then they’ve covered their footsteps well.”

“We’ll check the town thoroughly, not a corner for them to be hiding from us,” Theo says. “Even if they aren’t here, something in this town has been drawing them to us.”

“Something to do with the æther well?” Adeleya asks.

“Quite possibly,” Theo grunts. “After we’ve checked for threats, we’ll investigate. Focus. We do not want them getting the jump on us.”

“Understood,” I pull my hand free and grip my sword tight. I need to talk with Adeleya, but I need to be strong and brave. I need to protect her.

My mind is cold and clear as I poke into every shadow, knocking down doors, and stirring up piles of half-burned rubble. Insects and rats have taken this city from the bandits that I killed.

“We seem to be safe,” Theo grumbles, still clutching his sword and staring into our surroundings.

Not once did I notice anything familiar while we were searching. Everything is decayed and corrupted, or reduced to blackened charcoal. Looking back over the village, I can’t point to a building, or pile of rubble that I could say with confidence was my home.

It’s as if the village from my memory was pulled out of this world and replaced with another. One similar enough to feel familiar but not so much that I can point to anything here and match it to the village I once called home.

“What now?” Lothar asks. “Unless they’re here to gather up broken pottery, I can’t figure out what’s important about this place.”

“Do you want me to show you to the æther well?” Adeleya asks.

“Is there something strange about it?” Nadia asks.

“I didn’t have a moment to check,” Adeleya leans on her staff. “Unless someone has a better idea, it’s worth investigating, isn’t it?”

“Lead the way,” Theo waves his hand to the town.

Shattered pottery cracks underfoot as we walk back through the dead streets. The sky overhead is starting to redden and evening will soon be upon us, I need to find a moment to approach her.

“Right here,” Adeleya says, leading us to the burnt-out husk of an old home. “Right beneath us.”

“I can’t feel anything,” I say, reaching down and touching the ground. The hard stone foundation has already been cleaned by the rains, hardly damaged by the fires and battles that tore this place apart.

“A solid foundation,” Theo says, stomping on the stone. “Is there a basement?”

“I didn’t find one the first time when we were checking for bandits.”

“Shades!” Nadia calls.

“Why are we using that stupid name?”

“Because we can’t say the word ‘undead’ or ‘bandit’ without people around us reacting to it. If we say shades, they’ll think it’s some nickname for a monster,” Nadia explains, shuffling around in the ruins.

“What Nadia says,” Theo growls. “You’d know that if you were listening when we first had this discussion.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Lothar sighs, shaking his head. “This is just… I deal in monsters and the occasional bandits, not grand conspiracy.”

“Add it to your resume,” Adeleya says. “It’ll be sure to impress the big guys in the company and the guild.”

“Don’t get any stupid ideas,” Theo cuts in.

“No basement,” Lothar reports. “It’s all solid rock.”

“Same over here,” Nadia returns.

“So… what now?” Adeleya asks, leaning on her staff. “I’m out of ideas.”

“Check on the rest of the town,” Theo says. “Look at the foundations, or cellars, anything underground.”

“You’ve figured something out?” Nadia asks.

“I have my suspicions,” Theo nods. “This stone foundation is too solid. There are a few dirt floors around the town, some stone tiles, but nothing quite as solid as this.

“Adeleya, you and Syr march together, we’ll take another walk through town together before setting up camp for the night. Lothar, Nadia, you know how this goes, we keep sight of each other and take this slowly.” Theo says, waving us out into the street.

We form a long line through the town, close enough to see and hear one another. Adeleya and I stand together. They don’t yet trust me to do this on my own.

I have to do this properly.

“Look at the floors,” Adeleya directs me. We walk alongside one another without talking, Lothar just off to the side and Nadia past him.

There are a few dirt floors here and there, a few shattered stone tiles beneath covered in dust and ash. There aren’t any doors leading down, and I don’t remember ever seeing anything like that when I was a kid.

“Syr, are you okay?” Adeleya asks, pausing to squeeze my shoulder. “You’ve been quiet.”

“I like you,” the words quietly slip through my lips.

“What was that?” She asks, squeezing my shoulder tight. Her warmth and the pressure of her touch remind me that I’m no longer alone. It’s comforting, but I want more.

“I like you,” I try to yell but my voice is barely more than a whisper.

“I like you too, Syr,” her smile hurts. She doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to say it.

“Syr is… I am…” I need to say this properly, and clearly. “Can I kiss you on the lips? Will you hold me tight every night while we fall asleep? Will you make a home with me, and stay with me forever?

“I love you, and I hope that you want all these things too.” The words bubble up, and I’m not sure if they’re the right thing to say. I’m not sure that the words can clearly describe the feelings rushing through my heart.

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My face feels hot, and my heart throbs inside my chest. It’s embarrassing to say all these things.

“I like you,” again words barely escape, but this time, she hears me.

“Syr…” She steps back…

Her hand falls to her side.

She’s just two steps away.

So, why does it feel like she’s miles away?

She’s still here.

So, why do I feel so alone?

Why does she look so sad, when I’m the one who wants to cry?

“Syr, you…” Her smiling lips twitch. “You’re still so young and… it’s a crush you’ll… sorry.”

“S-s-syr.” I clench my jaws tight. I shouldn’t cry in public. I have to hold it all inside.

I can’t run away, this is a challenge, this is me showing her how strong and awesome I am. I can’t run away. I can’t hold back.

“You don’t need to say sorry,” I tell her, my voice cracking even when I try to keep it even.

I lead us along to keep pace with Lothar. I’m strong. I’m a good member of their group. I can’t be weak.

“Syr will make you fall in love,” I say, clearing the dust and ash, finding only more shattered tiles from a broken home.

“Syr will make you hers.” I whisper, staring down into the dirt, “You will be mine.”

The animals have to prove their strength to each other, that’s how they make their families. Sometimes they’ll be mean and angry and refuse, but they don’t just give up there. They keep trying.

“Syr…” Adeleya says petting my head gently.

“You… will…” I can’t force the words out.

“Syr, would you still be happy being with me, and doing all of those things, if doing it hurt me?”

“No, but if you like me back…”

“I don’t like you like that. I love you like a sister, and I can do some of that with you.” She says, “I don’t mind hugging and cuddling, and I do love you, but I won’t ever love you in that way.”

“Syr will… I’ll show you how awesome I am.”

“I’m sorry,” Adeleya says holding me from behind, her warmth somehow distant in my dizzy mind.

I feel sick deep in my guts.

I want to throw up.

This isn’t how it’s meant to go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Ash… Always in the end there will be ash. It stains my hands black.

How else can I describe these feelings that have no real shape? My tears have dried, but a painful emptiness remains.

The wind blows the trees overhead and I look up at the untouchable skies above.

Will I ever find a new home?

A new family?

Adeleya is the same… but she’s not standing beside me.

Her smile looks different when I’m seeing it from another angle.

Everyone is going about their jobs, searching this town for an answer. A secret for the reason why my family was killed, and my home destroyed.

What does it matter ‘why’? What is dead cannot return. The ash is scattered, and the memories are fading further day by day.

Why are so many strange people and bandits coming here, just to stir up the ashes? Why are so many people interested in this dead place?

The only way we can find an answer is by digging through it ourselves.

“Are you doing okay?”

I’m teamed up with Lothar, at Adeleya’s suggestion. It’s probably the right thing to do, but it hurts.

“Syr is…” No, I need to stop being that child. I can’t be like that anymore.

“I’m fine.”

“I’m not sure whether you know it yet, but whenever someone says that, they’re not fine,” he laughs at me, his lips quirked up into a smirk.

“Then what should I say instead?” I ask heaving my adamant blade higher as we sift away the ashes at our feet.

“You told her how you feel?”

“I did.”

“You got an answer?”

“I did.”

The conversation ends there. I’ve nothing left to tell him and he doesn’t push for anything more.

“I never thought I’d be sympathising with a necromancer…”

“What do you mean?”

“It hurts,” he says, “Your first crush isn’t all that special, the second time hurts, too… and the third, and forth. It always hurts.”

I look back at him and see the same broken smile that I’d expect to see in a mirror.

“You…?”

“Back in Snowspring… She found someone more stable. Someone who’d be there for her day in, day out. I get it. I didn’t even try to stop her, because I knew I’d never be able to change her mind.”

“That sucks,” I say.

“It does.”

“What do we do?” What am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go?

“For me…?” He smiles up at the sky, “I’ll give it another go. Someone different. Maybe it’ll work out the next time.”

“I still feel…” I steady my feet, “Inside, it’s still there. I like her, and it hurts.”

“Yeah. That’s how it goes.”

“How can I… What do I do?”

“You keep moving. You’ll get used to hurting and before you know it it doesn’t hurt quite so bad and then you’ll fall in love again. You could have your heart broken again, or it could be a love that lasts for a lifetime. You can never really know until you take the chance.”

We stand by the stone foundation.

It used to be a home, now it’s just the same ash and fallen debris. I can’t even remember the names of the people who lived here. I don’t know which of these homes was my own.

“…enough,” I whisper, heaving my adamant up. Tears stream down my face. I ignore it, throwing the sword down.

Enough.

SMASH

I don’t want to be alone.

SMASH

I don’t want to hurt.

SMASH

I want a home

SMASH

I want a family.

SMASH

I want warm arms to hold me tight and I want someone to tell me that everything will be alright.

SMASH, KRACK.

With a final swing the ground parts, sending up even more ash and scattered stone.

“What’s going on here?” Theo runs up to us.

“What’s this?” Nadia shows up at the same time, “Is this…?”

I can’t see. The ash. My tears. I can’t see.

“An ancient elvish ruin…?” Nadia asks.

“This isn’t like any door I’ve ever seen…” Adeleya whispers, forcing me to look.

It takes a moment to clear away my tears, to face the ‘door’ hidden beneath the shattered stone. Nadia is already preparing a hammer to finish the job that I’ve started.

It’s a perfectly white slate, covered in endless strange markings still glowing with the æther that runs through it. No matter how many years you give me, I wouldn’t associate this with the word ‘door’.

I kneel running my fingers along the surface.

Cold.

Solid.

It’s a rock.

A fancy rock.

“I don’t think we’re getting it open,” Nadia tells us, “I’ve only heard of such discoveries, but this has to have been from the golden age of elvish society, back when dragons were still alive. We’re not opening this without some expert help.”

“What should we do with it, then?” Adeleya asks.

I want to run away. I don’t care.

“If this is what the shades are after, they might be looking for golden age relics… I think we should hide this.” Nadia says seriously.

“If they want it, we don’t want them getting it,” Theo responds. “Even if we bury it, this is the centre of the æther well. Others will find it, we’re already lucky that they haven’t discovered it ahead of us.”

“The elves here certainly knew about this,” Nadia says. “This foundation was built around the entrance. It has to be deliberate.”

“Back to the relics,” Lothar interrupts. “You think that there’s some terrible superweapon buried down there?”

“It could be,” Nadia says. “Or it could be something else. It could also be responsible for Syr’s natural magic.”

“Terrible as that is,” Adeleya says. “We’re talking about a civilisation that could war against the dragons, if there’s some terrible weapon down there, it could be even worse than necromancy.”

I bite my lip.

I need to be a proper member of their group.

“Nothing of the sort exists,” Nadia says, “All the relics are broken as if the gods themselves intervened. There are plenty of relics from past the golden age, but no dragon-slaying weapons survived.”

“Setting all that aside,” Theo interrupts. “It’s safe to say that this is the reason why they’ve come here. There is something in this ruin that they’re after, and we need to keep it from them.”

“There was a stone mage back in the last town,” Lothar says. “He’s not the strongest, but he can get this back into place at least.”

“It’ll have to do,” Theo nods. “We’ll cover this entrance with some stone debris before nightfall, we can take a short trip and get that mage to cover it properly.

“When we’re done, we can search for someone who can open these doors. Does anyone have any thoughts?”

“It’s a good plan,” Nadia nods, her eyes shining bright as she stares at the white stone at her feet.

Every time I try to step into the conversation my throat closes over and I feel like I’m about to cry, so I keep quiet.

I need to be strong.

We haul chunks of wood and stone. Trash to fill up the hole that I cracked open. I move faster than the others, hauling larger stones.

It doesn’t take us long to build up a decent pile of debris, but the others seem to be in conversation about the trash pile, whether it’s too suspicious or not thorough enough.

I can’t deal with it anymore.

They can do the rest on their own.

They don’t need me.

I’ll go out and stand watch.

Standing at the edge of Cildr as the sky begins to darken, the air is crisp and clear, and the bugs are just as loud as they ever were. The others are either giving me distance or too bothered with the ruins to even notice that I’m gone. It doesn’t matter which.

I sit on my knees, gazing away from the town of ash. The town filled with promises of futures denied.

All around us is the forest, beyond which there is a small plain nestled by the side of a mountain. The place where I’ve lived for so many years. The land has housed me, even if it didn’t protect me. A shelter, but not a home.

A white figure casually strolls from the forest’s edge. I wouldn’t expect anything less considering it is their territory.

The wolven walks up to me.

White.

A small undead pup strides by his side.

I can’t see any of the rest of its pack. Are they hidden in the forest?

White doesn’t say anything, he never does. He stops before me, sitting and facing me.

I don’t know what he wants from me, or why he’s decided to come now, but he’s not trying to kill me.

“I…” He licks tears from my cheeks, his pup crawls up beside me.

“S…” I try to whisper my name, but it won’t leave my throat, I lean forwards and clutch at White, holding onto his warm fur. He doesn’t make a sound, rubbing his head against me.

Why?

Why is he being so nice to me?

Why didn’t he just leave me to die back then?

Why didn’t I try to become part of their pack?

Why do I keep messing it all up?

A great howl fills the air, and our moment passes. White steps back from me, his pup lingering only a moment longer, with only one last glance back at me, they return to the forest. I can’t follow them. I left the forest behind.

“Thank you… goodbye” I whisper.