Lost In Thought

I lay on my side on the sofa, staring at the TV deep in thought. The last few weeks have been so intense and meaningful… It was a lot to take in.

Oliver called the vote and the whole world learnt about my torture… my desperate sacrifice made to give the Angels the time and safety they needed to build their organisation, the Roses.

I visited the HQ for the first time… and with great difficulty. I went to visit AI, before I found myself unable to ever do so again. Of course, I wasn't aware that everyone knew about me at that time. It was an emotional day, and one I won't ever forget.

Just as I seemed to be managing though… I suffered a panic attack, triggered by a car horn. It was a truly awful, full-blown attack. I got concerningly close to being permanently harmed… but I scraped through though, as my heart was stronger than anyone realised. Now I have to wear sound cancelling headphones outside as a precaution, as I simply can't afford that happening again.

When I partially recovered, I met with the Roses head chef, Brett Heartly. He's a Welsh ex-soldier, who eagerly wanted to meet me and share some words. Heartly told me about his daughter, who tragically suffered and passed away from cancer. He trusted me with his personal past, because he recognised that I suffered a similar chronic pain. I won't forget his lesson about respecting pain…

My effort to shield the Angels was successful, but awareness of my sacrifice was… difficult for many. One of the leaders, Aisling, nearly fell into a grim depression over it. Luckily, I noticed it with my ability to recognise others' depression, and I managed to sway Aisling back into the light of hope.

Then Michael had the talk with me, where it all came to light why he had so much respect for me. I had honestly thought he hated me at first, but the truth was literally the opposite. His respect for me after learning what I went through was so intense, he had to force himself to not visit me, to ensure he had kept his promise he made. I’m so grateful that I listened to him then… Heaven knows how important he is to me now.

The Roses felt obligated to try to compensate me for what I did. I tried to argue that I didn’t do it for a reward… but they were honour-bound. They voted and decided to give me all their money, all 88 billion pounds worth of it! I panicked when they told me, as I refused it initially. I was so worried that they would fall apart without the money, and that was the opposite result I fought so hard for. In the end, thankfully, AI found a solution that allowed me to own the money, but not compromise their financial security.

I met someone kind, gentle and shy… Ruth. Although she is not as confident and skilled as the rest, she has a remarkable ability to see things clearly without any personal bias. I've come to depend on her priceless outlook on things.

I remember meeting Bellatrix again. She was the leader of the security wing for the Roses leadership, who called themselves the “Black Roses”. However, that was not the only thing from my past to show up. My old carer Shaun Dredge decided to come visit me… I suddenly found myself in the situation where I had to tell everyone about my past… all of it. I managed to quickly brief everyone about my life on the streets and my ‘stateless’ status. They thankfully found a loophole, and I was legally adopted by Michael. After all that, Shaun didn’t intend to take me away again… he came to apologise. It didn’t work and he left in shame, and everyone knew the truth of who I was… yet they still chose to remain at my side.

I began exercising, training myself to build some muscle… but more importantly, I was trying to fight back my phantom pain. The first training session was difficult and ugly… and most were shocked to witness it. However, I still felt it important that I tried.

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As I made friends with the people I now hold dear, Ashley, Ruth, Bellatrix, Michael, Oliver, Heartly and the Angels… I also started looking deeper inside myself and realising just how much I had buried away. I started noticing hints of something concerning, but I just assumed it was side effects from the relief of finally having a family… but it was not.

AI summoned a unique person to aid me in finding out the truth of how broken I truly was. Her name was Zoe, she's an empath, an individual uniquely capable of understanding and blending with others. As she became me, she transformed into a mirror, reflecting my true state.

She came into my life and demolished every wall I had built to try to protect my sanity. All that remained was the dark truth, that I was beyond depressed… I was suicidal… A tragically thin string of hope, and a stubborn strength of will that developed from a lifetime of hardship, was all that kept me from disappearing into the darkness forever.

It was a hard truth to accept, and all my new friends were shocked at the discovery. At least I knew the truth, which was the most important key to moving forward. I expected judgement and even to be abandoned, like a broken toy that no longer worked… but nobody did either of those things. Against everything I thought I knew about the cruel nature of people… everyone stayed at my side. With them all next to me, and a better idea of where I stood… there is hope yet.

Unfortunately, in the background… The ugly reality of this last year boiled to the surface. While I tried to train and find peace, the Bruiges churned in the background… They were not done with me, unfortunately.

My close friends hid this truth from me, they knew how weak I already was, both physically and mentally… they knew I wouldn't have handled it rationally. The Bruiges had an internal war, a bloody war of leadership that almost destroyed their entire family line.

The victor was the last of the living Bruiges bloodline, William Bruige. He lost his father to hopeless suicide and his brother was cruelly murdered in prison… William had lost his mind in pure hatred… hatred of me. I was the cause of his life being thrown upside down, and he was going to do everything he could to kill me.

He rallied the last of the syndicate's troops and staged a full-fledged assault on the Roses HQ. Everyone except for me, however, knew this was coming. They planned desperately, prepared intensely and spared no expense.

I was summoned to the HQ… and all hell broke loose. The attack began, I rushed with the Angels to reach their armoured shelter… I almost didn't make it, as an unexpected helicopter opened fire, almost killing me on the spot. Luckily the British forces came to aid us, and the military VTOL downed the helicopter seconds before it nearly succeeded in ending me.

Thanks to the desperately needed aid of the army, the Bruiges fell and against all odds, none of the Roses agents died. The only casualty was Ashley, who had been shot in her shoulder.

I was briefed afterwards about the cause of the battle and how we had become victorious. Unfortunately, to leave the HQ, I had to walk through the aftermath of the siege… what I saw put me in a state of shock as I walked through a sea of blood and corpses. Bella was also affected intensely, as all her training failed to prepare her for the nightmarish hell that lay inside and out of the foyer.

That night my dear friends helped Bella and I mentally heal from the shock we felt. Things were going well before conversation moved to me and my place in public opinion. Zoe stressed me out by comparing me to the Prime Minister… and I just couldn't handle it, not after the nightmarish day I had endured.

I stormed out of the apartment in a tantrum, furious at the unfair expectations placed on my shoulders. I needed to get out, I needed to think to myself for a moment, so I threw my hearing aids away and silently walked the street.

Micheal stayed with me, as I imagine family would do. The Angels caught up with me and apologised, I put my hearing aids back on… but then I saw it… Crowds of people gathered to follow me, as many stopped to get a look at me.

I realised the truth that night, as I pushed myself to walk to Blackpool Tower… I realised that people knew of me and that the world had been watching me the whole time. I had become a celebrity and inspiration to them. When I reached the tower, there were thousands of people waiting there just to be able to see me.

I don't know how I feel about that. Everything I've done, I've done to protect the Angels dream. I don't want fame, and I'm not trying to become a celebrity… but they still made me one anyway.

It's going to take a week to repair and clean the HQ. Until then, it was decided that the Angels will be staying at my apartment, and everyone will be going through rounds of therapy to deal with the HQ attack mental trauma.

Which is how I found myself lying on my side on this sofa. I volunteered to sleep here, so that Aisling could sleep in my room. Last night Nadia woke up in a panic, terrified of the memory of me nearly dying… She was worried that I might fall to the suicide deep inside myself.

AI appeared on the TV, her voice sounded concerned, “Andrew, is everything alright?”

I sat up as I stared at the floor, “I was just thinking… the last few weeks… so much has happened.”

She smiled and nodded, “Indeed. It must feel overwhelming at times for you.”

I looked at her and nodded, “Sometimes it is… I'm just grateful you're all with me now, though.”

She looked at me concerned, “Andrew, yesterday was… intense. I want you to try to go back to sleep, for I am certain that you need all the rest that you can muster.”

I gave her a weak thumbs up and lay back down on the sofa, “It's been a lot, AI… but I regret nothing.”

Before I fell asleep, I heard her quietly speak, “We are blessed to still have you… Sweet dreams, my dear friend.”