Chapter 3

When we arrived back at the apartment, I plopped myself on the sofa and AI immediately appeared on the TV.

She looked concerned, “Andrew, I need to talk to you.”

I looked up at her on the TV, “Then let’s talk, my friend.”

She folded her arms and waited a moment, “Andrew, please be careful with how you deal with that new member today.”

I looked away as I thought about who she was talking about, “Gillian?”

Her face was neutral as she nodded, “... That one, yes.”

I quietly growled, “AI, I’m not afraid of Bruiges members. Why is everyone so worried that I have it in for them?!”

She looked at me for a long moment, “Just be careful.”

I leaned back into the sofa, “Alright, fine. I’m sure the Black Roses are aware of members who used to be Bruiges, they can monitor Gillian and others like her.”

Michael came in with a cup of coffee for both of us. He took a seat after giving me my cup.

He joined in on the conversation, “She seemed decent enough. Her face seemed familiar, but I couldn’t put my finger on where I saw it.”

I shook my head, “I don’t get it AI, you said you would do extra vetting for ex-Bruiges members. Now you’re warning me about them… make up your mind.”

She looked at me for a long moment, “Trust me… be careful.”

I looked at her for a long moment, “Right, now I see you’re holding information back... Ok, I trust you. I’ll be on my toes around her, alright?”

She smiled and nodded, “Good, then let’s do some more studying, alright?”

I sipped my coffee, “Right. Where were we last, history right? You were talking about how we went from a monarchy to just a democratic parliament or something?”

She nodded, “Yes, we overthrew the monarchy in 1942. The UK changed into a democratically elected government. The government consists of the party that received the highest total votes. However, the Prime Minister is a separate position, with a separate election.”

I had another sip of coffee, “Ok, and the Prime Minister election happens every five years, right?”

She gave me a thumbs up, “Correct. The position of Prime Minister is absolute. They have nearly unlimited vetoing capacity and largely control the government's direction for their five-year term.”

I looked away as I thought, “Right. Our current Prime Minister is… Dorothy something?”

She quickly responded, “Dorothy Thorn, have you seen her before?”

I shook my head, “Nope, don’t care. She can keep waging wars or whatever it is she does. I don’t care about the government or its leadership.”

She leaned forward, “You really should know… how she looks.”

I waved dismissively, “Nah, don’t give a damn.”

She looked at me disappointingly, “Andrew… I really think you should know how she looks…”

I shook my head, “No thanks. So how often is the government elected?”

She said nothing as she stared at me, before Michael responded, “Every two years.”

I looked at him surprised, “Ah, that’s quite frequent. That doesn’t give the government much time to do what they aim to do though…”

AI responded, “Would you like to watch the election results for our current party and our Prime Minister?”

I chuckled, “Nah, sounds extremely boring.”

She spoke slowly, “You should probably see what she said, when the press asked her about the military action on the Bruiges, after our rescue.”

I shook my head, “I already know why they did it, the rest is just public statements.”

AI looked down at the floor. She didn’t say anything for a long while as Michael and I drank our hot drinks and talked about the voting system. He explained how the postal votes worked and how the government ensured that the Prime Minister didn’t over-extend their power in a corrupt manner.

I looked at the coffee table and thought, “So let me get this straight. If parliament disagrees with the PM, they can call a vote of no confidence. If it passes by a majority, the PM is denied their vote?”

He nodded, “Yeah, but usually that doesn’t happen though. Since the people voted for the PM, if parliament were to overrule her, they would be denying the people's votes.”

I nodded, “Right… So, you mean that the war with the Western US was not denied?”

He looked away, “No… They never even called a vote of no confidence. The war was called and everyone just let it happen.”

I shook my head, “That is… bloody disappointing. So, in a sense, people voted for the war?”

AI responded, “One might even say, that the PM respected personal accountability.”

I glanced at her, “There’s that saying again, what does it mean?”

Michael answered, “It means holding an individual accountable for their own choices.”

I nodded, “Ok. Yeah, I suppose then that’s what the PM did.”

AI looked at me for a long moment, “Let’s move on to Biology.”

*

For the rest of the morning and afternoon, I was taught a load of things about cells and plants. It was interesting learning about how life started and what it’s made of. I must have been enjoying myself, because the time flew by. Before I knew it, the front door opened, and Oliver entered with several people behind him. I looked to see Aisling, Bella, Nadia and Zoe.

They all took a seat with smiles on their faces, while Michael and Bella stood at the other side of the room to talk about something.

I waved, “Zoe, it’s good to see you again, I didn’t expect to see you here this evening. You still got more therapy planned?”

She shook her head, “No, I just came to visit you. I wanted you to know I relayed your message to the PM.”

She did air quotes with her fingers, “I get to know people face to face... The PM didn’t say anything in response.”

I nodded, “Ok, no big deal. She’s probably got bigger fish to fry than me, trust me.”

AI spoke, “I would not count on that.”

I ignored AI’s comment and leaned forward, “Zoe, I want you to get a read on me please… I need to know if I’m still suicidal.”

She paused for a moment, “Oh… Ok, sure. It takes me a while to get a reading, so just talk a little more, alright?”

I nodded, “Tomorrow, I will want your help with a dear friend, who today… they nearly succeeded in killing themself.”

Zoe nodded, “Of course. May I ask the reason why?”

I looked down grimly, “AI gave her the opportunity to clean the aftermath of the battle… but she’s a fragile person and it’s absolutely destroyed her mentally.”

She turned to AI, “Why would you give a heavy task like that, to a fragile person?”

AI responded, “In the Roses, we give unique opportunities to members. These opportunities permit them to go above and beyond in their job. I was satisfied enough with her performance, and she was going to be assigned our first sanitation agent.”

I looked away sadly, “Not anymore though, right? I suppose her trying to kill herself means she failed her test and won’t be made an agent… right?”

AI shook her head, “No, she is still due for that. She still can and may very well refuse it. I would not blame her for rejecting the offer.”

I looked at Zoe, “So… how bad am I?”

She looked sad, “You tell me.”

Michael came over, having finished his one-on-one with Bellatrix. He looked at me with intense focus. I looked carefully over Zoe, trying to see how her body language was reflecting her state… which was a mirror of my own state. I saw depression, but it was just the depression blue, and not the suicidal black.

I leaned forward, “Are you sure you’re fully in tune with me? Because you’re not suicidal from my perspective.”

She nodded, “That’s because I'm not suicidal, and therefore you’re not either.”

I nodded and leaned back into the sofa, “So then that’s that... That’s why I froze in fear when the helicopter nearly killed me… I’ve finally moved on in my mind and in my heart.”

Stolen novel; please report.

Oliver immediately stood up and walked up to me, his face reflected intense emotion as he gestured for me to stand up. As soon as I did, he hugged me… He didn’t say anything, because he didn’t need to. He let go of me and immediately Nadia hugged me right afterwards.

She whispered in my ear, “The thing I love the most about you Andrew… is that you always keep your promises.”

I nodded, “I’m going nowhere Nadia… So, smile for me, would you?”

She let go of our hug and she beamed her glorious smile at me. It was the smile that could melt a person's heart and turn steel to gold. It was precisely the smile I wanted to see on the angels, always.

Zoe stood up, “It’s good to know we don’t need to worry about that anymore. Now if you don’t mind, I need a little of Nadia’s joy to get me out of your depression.”

Nadia hugged Zoe, “Get ready for pure joy… I haven’t been this happy in months!”

Zoe let go of the hug as she looked over Nadia, “Oh hell yeah! Oh my God, what a feeling! It’s cheerier than even Aisling! Nadia, you ray of pure sunshine!”

Nadia bounced with joy, “We thought we lost him… It turns out he’s too strong to lose!”

I nodded, “How on earth could I possibly get lost, when I have the two brightest lighthouses to guide me home?”

*

Aisling and Nadia beamed their stunning smiles at me, and as everyone took their seats, I saw smiles everywhere. For a moment, I sorely wished I could also smile, because that was a damn good reason to do so. No, sadly… not yet at least. I looked over at Zoe, she was sitting with her legs crossed. She must have been doing something intimate before she had come over, because she was dressed in a sexy clubbing dress with cute heels.

Zoe looked at me with interest, “Andrew, what are you looking at?”

I looked up at her, “Hmm?”

She smiled, “I could have sworn you were just checking me out...”

I tilted my head sideways, “I was just… looking at your dress, that's all.”

She leaned forward slowly, “Does it do anything for you?”

I leaned back, “Do anything?”

I looked over her a second time, “Almost… but sadly, no.”

She nodded, “Almost though.... Start listening to yourself more carefully, for when it comes back, you need to embrace it.”

I looked away, “It doesn’t matter Zoe… nobody’s interested in me like that, trust me.”

Zoe laughed, “I would…”

Bella chuckled, “I would.”

Nadia nodded, “I would.”

Aisling laughed, “Even I would!”

Michael burst into laughter to the degree that he was practically rolling on the floor. I chuckled, but only because Michael’s laugh was so contagious. Everyone else laughed out loud along with Michael.

After everyone finally stopped laughing, I quickly looked around at the four ladies. I couldn’t believe it when I saw their body language… they actually meant it!

I looked between them in surprise, “You mean it! What?!”

Zoe nodded, “Why wouldn’t we? You’re getting fitter by the day, your confidence is developing very nicely… Give it another week and I think women will chase you, Andrew.”

I shook my head, “Bullshit… the scars…”

Nadia shook her head, “Scars are hot, and your face is nearly fully mended. You actually look good now already.”

Bella stared at me, “I would kiss the cuts and scars across your body… with a smile on my face…”

I felt a massive wave hit me when she said that. It wasn’t pain and it wasn’t sadness… oh wow, I hadn’t felt that feeling in… far too long. I found myself staring at the dining room table, as I just felt that feeling… and it felt really good.

Zoe laughed, “Oh, that did it! Look at that blushing face girls! He’s back in business!”

Bella walked up to me and looked me in the eye, “Oh yes… he’s got the thirst in his eyes.”

She slowly ran her hand up my leg and stopped at my crotch. I immediately grabbed her hand to take it off.

I looked away, “Woah easy… come on now… shit…”

Bella laughed, “I felt the bulge… that’s all the confirmation I needed.”

I buried my face in my hands, “Oh my God!”

Michael laughed as he lightly punched my arm, “Welcome back to the game.”

I looked at him as I shook my head, “This is not something I want to deal with right now… damn it!”

Zoe grinned wickedly, “No, all those things you told Nadia and Aisling about embracing their sexuality… don’t you forget that now… You yourself said how important it is. Remember, self-balance and all that?”

I looked up in anger at her, “I have two friends in the hospital right now! What kind of friend am I, if I’m here getting a rise from girls!”

Everyone went quiet as my snappy remark obliterated the mood in the room.

After a long moment I spoke, as I looked at the coffee table, “Sorry to ruin the mood, maybe this will be a fun thing later, but not now! For the moment, don’t tempt me, ok? I can’t deal with this…”

Zoe nodded, “Ok, I’m sorry Andrew. I was just celebrating your mental health improvement, that’s all. You’re right, a time and place and all that. I’ll not dress like this in future, till you’re ready, fair?”

I nodded as I looked away, “Also… Ashley would be furious if she didn’t get the first try. I know she meant what she proposed.”

Aisling smiled, “Imagine not playing the game for years… And then playing it again with a grandmaster veteran.”

Everyone laughed over her remark. I chuckled, because I knew she was right. I had heard enough of Ashley to know… she played a lot.

I shook my head, “I miss her… When the hell can I visit my friend, damn it!”

Zoe recoiled slightly, “Wow, you’re actually quite angry about not being able to see her…”

Oliver leaned forward, “Andrew, I can take you to her tomorrow… but she’ll be vicious…”

I looked Oliver in the eye, “Maybe she’s vicious because I'm not there! She got wounded for me, yet I haven’t even thanked her in a week now! I feel like a sack of shit at the moment!”

Zoe put her hands out, “Remember when you said that your friends must tell you when you’re going too far?... Calm down now.”

I forced myself to breathe slowly. It was the anger and the shame of my sexuality awkwardly resurging that had put me in that state.

Nadia looked deep into my eyes, “I know that look. Pent up sex drive. Makes it hard to think, hard to stay calm… I know that feeling all too well.”

I nodded, “This all put me in a real state. It’s so hard to stay calm, my God I just want to punch something!”

Bella crouched to my eye level and held out her hand, “Let’s go… If it works for Nadia, it will work for you. Come.”

I shook my head, “No! I will just have to flex my self-control twice as hard. Thanks, but no thanks.”

Michael nudged me, “Go Andrew. It won’t disappear or ease off.”

I looked intensely at Bella, “No, she’s my friend, this is inappropriate!”

Oliver leaned forward, “Now you sound like Nadia before you convinced her to let go! Andrew… go.”

I ignored them all as I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe slowly. I heard a few breaths of irritation, as Bella stood up and walked back to her usual spot, leaning on the wall. After a minute I finally managed to calm down.

*

I opened my eyes and looked at Oliver, “Tomorrow we go and see her. I’m not afraid of her hurting me. I’ve conquered far worse pain…”

Oliver nodded, “Alright then, tomorrow I’ll take you. Afterwards, if Ruth is awake, we can see her too.”

I nodded, “Good, finally… I need you all to know how important your friendship is to me. If any of you were in the hospital, I would be just as eager to be at your side.”

Zoe nodded, “Considering you’ve only known most of us for what, two weeks? It’s amazing to feel your loyalty when I focus on you. You really do care for us…”

I looked at her intensely, “Of course I do! If you people can sit here and deal with my shitty mental and physical issues, you have to be good people!”

Oliver leaned forward, “I feel like… there’s something else there... speak your mind, Andrew.”

I looked at the table for a long while before I finally spoke.

I lightly shook my head, “Maybe… maybe I sometimes feel like… you only deal with me, because you all feel that you owe me.”

Nadia smiled, “We had to meet you, after being told some really difficult things. We tried our hardest to be supportive and kind. It’s one thing to meet someone, it’s another thing to meet them with all that baggage attached.”

I nodded, “Yeah, I know. I’m well aware of how depressing I was and still am.”

Nadia shook her head, “Andrew, no… We’ve had time to get to really know you. Moments we’ve had and feeling’s we’ve shared together… Our friendship and loyalty to you now is real. We even fought to protect you, so don’t think for a moment that we’re sitting here now out of obligation.”

Oliver smiled, “They never had to see the bad version of you. I was there from day one, Andrew. I watched as you screamed, bled and cried… I saw you at your very worst and even then… even at the very darkest of moments… I stood by you. My friendship with you is locked in titanium. I’m going nowhere. Luckily you are only going up now, it feels so good to have finally pierced the dark clouds and to enjoy the sunshine of hope next to you.”

I looked at him emotionally, “Oliver, mate… I’m so sorry to have taken you on such a horrible journey…”

He shook his head and smiled, “No… No, it’s been the most rewarding experience in my life. I would do it all again in a heartbeat.”

I looked at him in thought, “Do you find yourself bored these days? Since I don’t need you much, you must have so much free time?”

He smiled, “Yeah, I have lot’s more time. Now I can do my job and care for the mental health of many more people now. I can assist vulnerable members in ways I never had time for before.”

I looked away, “Damn, I was really holding you back, wasn’t I?”

He laughed, “No, you were sharpening me. You’re probably going to be the hardest patient I will ever have. After you, I have a wealth of experience and knowledge. I’ve been helping Ashley with her pain… because after you it’s all so manageable. You have made me the best psychologist I could possibly be.”

I leaned my head back on the sofa. Those were far kinder words than I was expecting to be honest. It’s been a hard journey trying to push through my depression and self-hatred. I really had tried so hard.

I looked between them all, “I try so hard for you all, to be strong. I fail sometimes, but I always try harder the next time, to try to be the man you all deserve…”

Bella spoke excitedly, “And by God have you succeeded! Nobody in this room could manage what you have. To go through the torture, the isolation and then the pain… Andrew, your courage and strength is legendary.”

Michael nudged me, “The strongest man I’ve ever known…”

Bella stood up straight, “I’m going to make us another round of drinks, I fancy another one myself…”

She left with Michael to the kitchen. I nodded as I leaned back on the sofa and closed my eyes. I tried thinking of all the important things I needed to focus on at the moment. I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling.

*

I felt a wave of hopelessness, “What am I going to say to Ruth… Oh dear God, I’m terrified. I’ve done many difficult things in the last few weeks… But this feels like the first time I simply won’t win...”

Zoe spoke quietly, “Andrew… You’re the only one who can help her.”

I looked down from the ceiling at her in worry, “Oh don’t say that please, this has to be a team effort!”

She sadly shook her head, “No… You are precisely the perfect person to talk with her. You saw the battle aftermath and you also felt shocked over it. You’ve been suicidal for months… You know her and care for her… It has to be you.”

I felt slightly panicked, “That’s the problem! I’m too similar to her! There’s a very real chance I’ll fall back down doing this! What if I stare into her eyes and see myself looking back? What if she convinces me and I don’t convince her? I’m terrified that I might not only fail her… I might fail myself too.”

Nobody said anything. I looked around to see very worried faces. They knew I was right.

I leaned forward as I stared at the coffee table, “She’s my friend… and she’s Roses. I swore to help the Roses to the best of my ability. This insane problem… I can’t walk away from it now. Since I saw her naked and sitting in a pool of her own blood in that bathtub, I knew this just became my biggest mission and also my most difficult one.”

Zoe shook her head, “That’s a horrible thing to have witnessed… Andrew, how am I supposed to help?”

I looked her in the eye, “Zoe, I will need you to lock on to me… You’re there to protect ME. If you start to feel that I’m falling, you need to pull me out, immediately!”

Zoe nodded as she stared at the dining room table. I could see that she was trying to mentally prepare herself. This was going to test both of us to our very limit.

I chuckled, “Ashley will be a walk in the park, no matter how irate she may be. Bruises heal and cuts seal. I’ll let her beat me like a punching bag all day, no worries… but Ruth… Oh God, what am I going to say to her?”

Aisling smiled, “What did we say to you when we first met you?”

I rubbed my chin, “You said thank you… ahh.”

Aisling nodded, “Nobody gains anything from avoiding the elephant in the room. Don’t patronise her, don’t make excuses or lies. Be there for her, like we tried to be here for you.”

I found myself tearing up... For a split second I remembered all the kindness these people had shown me… and it was humbling.

I gently shook my head, “You people… are too damn good to me, you know that?”

Nadia smiled, “So pay it forward. Ruth is counting on you… It’s time to save her life.”