Just smile and get through the day. You’ve done this before. It’s fairly simple. He repeats the phrases in his head. Hoping that maybe he won’t have to do this. That maybe his mother’s friend won’t show up. At least until his mother calls up for him.

“Coming!”

With a sigh, and another glance at his reflection in the mirror, he exits the bathroom and heads downstairs. Pearlescent white pumps thunking against the hardwood stairs. They’re meant to match the green dress he’s wearing. Still standing by the front door is his mother. Her dress a slightly darker shade than his own. Although, he made his himself. Of course, she would wear the same color as me. Typical.

“Alexandra, you remember Claire-Anne. Shes used to help you with your homework when you were just a little girl.”

“Hi Mrs. Thompson. It’s nice to see you again. I hope you’ve been doing well.”

“My you’ve grown up so well. Look how pretty you’ve gotten. Your mom says your still single. I think you and my nephew Matthew would be perfect for each other.”

“I appreciate the gesture, Mrs. Thompson. I’m just not ready to date at the moment.”

“She’d be more than happy to go on a date with him. After all, she’s not getting any younger.”

Instead of arguing, Alex simply smiles. The kind of smile that says his mother is treading on extremely thin ice. Terribly thin ice. It’s the only way to communicate the problem without exposing her lie. Not that she cares. For her reputation I have to keep the lie going. The result of her own selfishness. All it takes is a menacing glare to get him to comply. He knows she’ll force him to go on a date. Especially ones like this. As though it’ll change something when in reality it’s near impossible to keep going with the story that he’s a girl. Satisfied with her son’s compliance, she guides Claire-Anne to the indoor garden. Shooting Alex a look to go get tea and desserts for everyone. Definitely pissed her off. His smile drops as he moves from the foyer, through the maple-wooded dining room, to the kitchen. Sitting at the kitchen island is his father.

“You’re mother didn’t tell me you were going to be here. What’s the occasion?”

“Mrs. Thompson is here…”

“I see…”

“It’s fine.”

“If you say do. I know your mother can be stubborn and selfish. I’m here if you want to talk.”

“Thank you.”

They don’t talk much because his mother generally makes sure they don’t interact. The last thing she wants is for them to manage to turn against her. After all, she’s about control and keeping her image. Therefore, she can’t have anyone find out her son is pretending to be her daughter. Which is why only one set of her friends know he’s truly a boy. If only I had the courage to expose her. Except he knows what she could do to him. He’s only ever seen her angry once. When he’d asked why she suddenly wanted him to be a boy publicly. She’d burned all his clothes and forced him to take ice cold baths for two months. Shuddering he grabs a serving tray, fills a teapot with water and sets it on the stove. From the other side of the counter he grabs a plate of freshly baked lemon tarts.

“You shouldn’t pretend to be comfortable with something if you’re not. You deserve to be happy like anyone else.”

“Like you pretending to love her?”

“I stay because I’m afraid of what she may do to you if I go. If I knew it wouldn’t put you in harms way I’d leave and never think twice about coming back to her.”

“Guess that makes two of us.”

“Alexandra! What’s taking you so long?”

“I’m coming!”

Both roll their eyes at her impatience. She’s been that way for as long as Alex can remember. They’ve never arrived anywhere late or without a gift of some kind. Without skipping a beat Alex pours the steaming hot water over prepped tea leaves, he’s sure his mother left out, in a smaller tea pot. After properly organizing the serving tray the way his mother likes he goes to the greenhouse to serve his mother and her friend.

“What took you so long?”

There’s suspicion that he saw his father. That maybe they were talking. And Alex knows what type of reaction she’ll have if she finds out that they did communicate. He’s been around long enough to know she’s not afraid to emasculate her husband in front of anyone.

“I had something on my mind. Sorry.”

Both lies, but they’re good enough responses to not warrant her pressing the matter any further. Which he’s thankful for.

“Relax Andrea. Give the poor girl a break. I’m sure she’s just a bit tired from her flight back home. School must be very busy.”

“It is, but it’s no excuse for me to allow myself to get distracted.”

Claire-Anne gives him a small smile. If she knew my mother is an elaborate liar she might not have that same reaction. As the two women catch up Alex tends to the plants. Anything to not be asked about a school he doesn’t attend. Or how many kids he intends to have. Or rather why he hasn’t given his mother grandchildren yet. After all, as a woman he’s only got so much time before he can’t reproduce anymore. And no man wants a woman who can’t give him children.

“Alexandra, darling, when are you free next?”

“I’m not entirely sure Mrs. Thompson. I still have a lot things I need to get done for school.”

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“Nonsense, she’s free Saturday. She’ll look for any excuse to get out of dating. How about Noon?”

“I’ll be sure to clear my schedule.”

Alex’s agitation rises. He’s also aware that so has his mother’s. He’s positive that’s where he gets his stubbornness from. The docile ‘let-mother-have-her-way’ part of him comes from his father. That’s all anyone does. Let her have her way. She’s your mother. Of course you’d listen to her. Why would you even dare to treat her like Marie? She gave you life, a home, love, clothes, and food. Where would you be without her? Dead. You’d be dead because you’re an abomination to humanity. Alex’s eye twitches. His conscious starting to get to him. It’ll be like this for the next six days at most. That is, if he doesn’t manage to get out of the date his mother is forcing him to go on. He’d give anything to not have to deal with this at all. However, if he doesn’t do these visits once a month, there’s no telling what his mother will do. Vindictive and spiteful may as well be her middle names. And if I tell her that she’ll lose her mind. Might even make a scene. It’s what she does best. A slap on his arm draws him from his thoughts.

“Are you ignoring me? Or are you going deaf?”

“My mind was elsewhere.”

“I didn’t raise you to be a dolt. Don’t dare think you’re getting out of that date.”

Alex notes Claire-Anne is nowhere to be seen. It’s the only reason she’d be speaking to him in such a manner. She must’ve gone home.

“Just how do you intend to pass me off as a woman to the same sex without them figuring it out?”

“We’ll figure it out when the time comes. If you’d been born a girl it wouldn’t even be an issue.”

“I didn’t even ask to be born. How is this my fault?”

“Don’t you dare talk back to me! How dare you try to blame me for this! I went through nine months of hell and you turned out to be a boy!”

She strikes him hard across the face. If not for the fact that his face has been Aaron’s punching bag on many occasions he might’ve snapped. You have. On your own friends and a girl who has nothing to do with your situation. Her eyes are cold. Dead almost. A reminder that she resents his existence. In her eyes he will always be a failure. Despite everything he does to please her.”

“I’ll be taking my leave.”

“The hell you will! I’m your mother! You can leave when you’ve apologized to me! I’ve given you everything! Those heathens can’t take care of you! It’s a miracle one of them hasn’t killed you!”

“Would you like for them to? And what am I apologizing for?”

“How dare you try to twist my words around! You can start by apologizing for existing.”

“That wasn’t my intention. And again, I didn’t ask to be born.”

“You know what, just leave. And the only way you’re getting out of that date is if you manage to get yourself killed. Just get out!”

Cautiously stepping around her, ha makes for the front door. Detouring only to go upstairs to get his phone and keys. When he does exit, he doesn’t look back. Grateful that he was allowed to borrow the van it doesn’t take long to get it going. Hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his palms are red by the time he gets home. It even takes a bit for him to loosen his fingers. He doesn’t register getting out to enter the house. Not the others questioning who he is and how he got in.

“I don’t think he wants to be bothered.”

“He?”

“You don’t recognize Alex anymore?”

“That’s a girl, Marie.”

“No, it’s Alex. Let’s just leave him alone. He looks upset.”

“Did you hit your head when you and Ella put the clothes away? That’s not Alex. I should know. I beat him up all the time.”

“Just forget it.”

Aaron and Ella continue to try and convince Marie that it’s not Alex she’s seeing as he heads up to his room. He’s too tired to explain himself right now. Not that he wants to. Especially not with his phone going off every five seconds. She’ll keep going. You know she will. A sigh leaves him. When it stops buzzing he puts the phone on silent . Right now, he just wants quiet. Pure silence. 50 texts and ten missed calls. Just what did I do to deserve this? As he lifts his head, he notices two things. A giant teddy bear on his bed and a bag sitting on the vanity. Gentle hands turn the bear this way and that, looking for a tag or even a note. Nothing. After setting it back down he goes to the vanity. Next to the gift bag he finds a lavender envelope with his name on it. Marie’s delicately frenzied handwriting. It looks as though she struggled really hared to make it both neat and as fancy as possible. The envelope is held shut with a sticker and a sticky note telling Aaron to mind his business. Didn’t think he’d actually listen to her. Then again he likes her more than he likes me.

An elegant ‘Thank You’ card slides smoothly from the envelope. Inside, Marie’s handwriting thanking him for doing her hair and make up along with the others’. Even included an explanation for why she chose the gifts she did. Sure enough when he looks in the gift bag he finds an expensive set of brushes and a new eyeshadow palette. You treat her like literal shit and she went out of her way to buy you gifts. Are you sure you’re not the pathetic one here? The gesture is enough to make him cry. Memory can’t recall a time where anyone got him anything simply because they appreciated something he did for them. Not to mention Andrea never got him anything unless it was to further help her ambition of having a daughter. No gifts during the holidays or on his birthday. His dad wasn’t allowed to buy him anything either. In fact, his birthday was never even allowed to be celebrated. Usually, overshadowed by Valentine’s Day. Maybe your mom’s right. Maybe you being dead would be better. After all, you shouldn’t have been born.

Violent thoughts create shaky limbs. His own mind struggling to maintain control. On the verge of having a complete meltdown. Slender arms wrap around the new bear as he lay atop the bed. Head burried in the massive plushy’s material. Silent tears escape to soak into the stuffed animal. Heart emptying itself the only way it knows how. Through rivers of warm salt water. You’re supposed to be the perfect child. No mistakes. Except for your gender. The only freedom you get is here. Where you say what ever you want. Simply because she’s not here. Yet here you are crying, like the girl your mother wants. Just admit you’re not worth the effort it took to bring you in this world.

Somewhere along the way he’d come to this conclusion. He can say that it’s partly because of his mother. Somehow, he’s become the very person he hates. Or so he tells himself. All he knows is that he’s just as mean with his words as his mother is with her behaviour. That with the way he is now, he’ll never break free from her. Never be able to just be himself. The kids in high school were-

“I don’t know what’s going on or what’s wrong, but we’re here if you want to talk. Even though Marie told us to leave you alone. Just know we’re here.”

“You sound stupid.”

“Are you sure he looked upset?! He just called me stupid!”

“Because you are! Leaved him alone or I’ll let him shave your head in your sleep!”

“I’m not fucking stupid!”

“You are! Let Alex rest! He’s had a long day!”

“He doesn’t even like you!”

“Leave him alone! He’s had a bad day! He doesn’t need us prying!”

Despite how mean you’ve been to her; she’s defending your need to be left alone. He can still hear Eijinn arguing his case. Not that Marie is having any of it. He chalks her response up to her being someone that’s just a bit too nice.

“Okay, but Aaron said he was wearing a dress and heels!”

“And he looks beautiful! Mind your fucking business! Who cares what he wears! Now leave him alone! I’ll put hot sauce in your shampoo!”

“Alright! Fine, I’ll leave him alone!”

The exchange lightens his mood just a bit. At the very least he’s not sobbing the way he initially was. Still, he remains in his room. Trying his best to clear his head. If he wants to not be manipulated anymore he’ll have to find a way to deal with his mother. I’m an adult, it’s time I behave like one. I’m not a doll or a puppet, but a human being. He decides he’ll worry about it in the morning. Right now he wants to spend the rest of the day asleep. What better time to start than this very moment.