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Chapter III: The Munchening
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Alright… I accept the fact that I am now a burger, but I refuse to accept the fate that comes with it! I must escape! There must be some sort of way to get this body moving, somehow, some way. Muh-, mush, ugh, c’mon, forward now, let’s go.
Yeah, this whole ‘moving thing’ isn’t working out, and it appears none of my skills suggest the possibility either... Hm, what about my magic, this so-called ‘Grease?’ Maybe, I could use it to slip around, like a greased-up vertically challenged individual?
Oh magical fluid, your great sliminess, activate! Launch! Power up! Tally ho! Uh, grease powers go?! Damn you magic! Let’s try… By the magical grease invested in me, commence forth! Still no, hmm.
[editor’s note: slimy magical fluid you say? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) sounds like fun.]
*Schlip* *Schlorp*
Woah now. I swear something just happened, and I definitely heard something come out of me too! Yup, it’s the grease, alright. It’s running down my sides, yet there’s not enough of it to really do anything. Actually, now that I’m thinking of it. I feel like I just voluntarily soiled myself for nothing. This is disgusting! If only there were a shower available for me right now, that would be amazing.
“You, go serve this Karren and her fat husband! She keeps talking mad shit to me!”
“Should I add the ole special for ‘em?”
“Hell yeah, just make sure no one’s looking first.”
Oh my, it sounds like I’m going to receive another special skill or something here. This may be the ticket out of here that I was looking for too! Okay, bring on the special, give me those skills of almighty sentience.
Why is he removing my top bun? This is a weird experience, to say the least. I can see this man's wrinkly face quite well now, it looks like a scrunched-up scrotum with vague facial features, but this is so strange because my eyes are far removed from my body. Maybe this is what some patients call an out-of-body experience? Yeah, no, this is just wild. But why is his face scrunched up and moving all around like that? Oh no, please don’t tell me you're-
*Hwooock* *Spitooey*
Integrity -10
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Ahhh! For fucks sake! I feel so violated right now! Why me?! How could you do this to me?! After all that hard work of bestowing me skills, old man, you discharge your fluids onto me… Ugh, this is worse than the damn grease.
Oh, and now he just gently sets my top bun back on as if nothing happened. Yeah, real professional, you are. I wish this fuck could hear me, bah!
I’m moving again, and not by my own will… But I am moving.
“Sir, here is your MC Paddy, as requested. Enjoy!”
“Took you long enough, I’m starving.”
Fuck no, I’m going to die! There is a massive-looking pink blob hovering over me, and I cannot kid myself anymore. This is going to be my end. Please, no!
Integrity -10
Ew, he’s fingering me why?! And now, he’s picking me?! Get your damn sausage fingers off of my glorious buns! You have no right to touch them!
Hit points -0.69
Hit points -0.69
Hit points -0.69
Integrity -30
Ah! It hurts! Please, stop! You’re eating me! Spare me, for I am just an overworked slave! Nooooo! Get those ugly teeth away from me!
Hit points -0.69
Hit points -0.69
Hit points -0.69
Integrity -30
I deserve more than this! I am to have my own harem of big-breasted cat-women and flat elves! I was to be your demon-lord and savior, yet you eat me! Stop this and put me down at once! Please?
“Hm, there seems to be a lot of nice juices in this one. Mhm, very nice.”
You sack of dumb shit, that’s probably all my so-called magical grease and loogy you’re eating. Ah, shit, in I go again-
Hit points -0.69
Hit points -0.69
Integrity -15
Fuck! Damn you, you fat piece of shit! It’s because of you I’m dying! You fat slob, most of me is on your face and lap. You can’t even eat properly! Damn you! Once I obtain greater power, I will seek revenge upon you for eating my glorious new body! Wait, no, not again! Get me away from that dark hole of the abyss!
Hit points -0.69
Alert: a combination of perseverance and preservation activate the hidden Skill [Last Stand]
Well, it’s gotten really damp and dark. I can feel most of myself sliding down something tight and slippery. Somehow, I appear to have the majority of my senses intact, they just feel slightly misplaced in a way. I wonder if it has anything to do with that last skill I gained? Ah, like it matters. There must be a way out here, though?
“Oh boy, I would be delighted to help you get out of here!”
Woah? A voice? Can someone actually understand me?! Who goes there?!
“It’s me, your fellow neighbor and friend, the esophagus!”
Right… And how will you get me out of here?
“Oh golly, what a great question! You’re so smart! I’ll help you by getting straight to the anus!”
Not the help I was looking for… Fuck me…
=Status Update=
Name: Otto von Peter
Level 2: MC Paddy
Hit Points: 0.69
Magic: Grease
Skills: Preservation [mental fortitude +1.5], Smoked gouda [Wisdom +0.99], Hair of bacon, lettuce, tomato [+.01 Wisdom], Completed Burger from Great Sage Burgers [+1 Wisdom], Last Stand [Special Immunity]
Attribute: Perseverance [willpower +2]
Integrity: +5
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