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Chapter II: I Am Complete!
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Alright, when is this hail storm going to end? It feels as if small rocks are landing all across my body. Like they’re literally rolling off of my sides now… What’s the point of this?!
Achievement unlocked: Spicy Facial
Taste +2
Well, that answered my question. Someone is setting me up to be a great hero; I’m sure of it! Oh, someone is shoving that pleasant sensation underneath me again.
Woah, I’m moving faster than ever now!
*Smack* *Sizzzzzz*
Hit points -0.69
Ah frick! My face is burning! Wait, do I even have a face? I’ll have to think about this later because now the hail storm is back. At least this time, it’s not as annoying.
Taste +1
Okay, okay, I’m making gains again! It’s difficult to stay positive here, though… This heat is making me sweat like a whore, ugh. Is this guy done yet with the hail?
Taste +2
Well, at least he’s consistent, better than I can say for myself. Well, my previous self anyways! I won’t waste this new life I’ve been granted; I swear upon my future harem!
*Plop*
Skill Achieved: Smoked gouda [Wisdom +0.99]
Hit points +0.69
[editor’s note: “gouda” been a better cheese ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). Forgive the pun]
This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it
Yes! Oh my God! Whatever this is, it feels amazing! Like an ice pack that wraps itself around a sweltering body! It’s forming around my skin perfectly too! I wish they’d give me at least one point in my wisdom stat, though. I feel a little cheated. And ah, my mind aches. Ugh, wait a minute.
“Hey Mike, get those wizard sticks going as soon as possible! The longer that Karren waits, the more she’s gonna complain!”
“Oi, don’t rush perfection! That bitch is gonna have to wait till this burger is done!”
I can hear now! This is amazing! There’s someone near me having a conversation, but it sounds so distant, fuzzy, and muffled by sizzling. Did they say something about a burger? Why would… Oh no… For the love of the Plot God, say it isn’t so!
*Ding* *Ding* *Slam* *Flip-flop* *Flip-flop* *Pop* *Crackle-crackle*
No, no, no, I refuse to believe what I am thinking right now. Nope, stay positive Peter, stay positive. I got this, nothing will bring me down! Hopefully, I’ll be running this town! Wait, am I even in a town?
*Scrape*
Oh! I’m going places, but please, not on my back again; that’s for people who receive, not for those who give! Mhm, this feels pleasant, like a soft bed made for royalty. Now it feels like I’m being anointed with a crown of some sort?
Skill acquired: Hair of bacon, lettuce, tomato [+.01 Wisdom]
Hit points +0.69
Yeah… I’m going to ignore that skill and be grateful for the full wisdom point that I now have. And hey, my health is now back to what I started with! Gains, it’s all about the gains, my man.
Oh, someone is placing another crown upon my head. Sure, why not. I am pretty great after all, another crown will suffice.
Skill acquired: Buns of true sight [+1 Wisdom]
Holy shit, I can see! Well, kind of, it’s awfully blurry. There seems to be this large pink thing hovering over me. What is that?
“Alright, time for the finisher!”
Ah fuck, don't splash your jizz on me, dude! I don't swing that way, wait shit, I’m being squished! Please, stop this! No! I am your god emperor! No! Ugh…
“She is complete! Yes!”
Bruh, I’m not ‘she’ my dude. I am surprised, though. I didn’t lose any hit points for that abuse. However, that was terrifying. I felt as if I was stuck under a boulder for a week.
Skill acquired: Completed Burger from Great Sage Burgers [+1 Wisdom]
Integrity Stat Gained: +100
Yup, I knew it; I’m a burger. I’m fucked harder than when my bosses forced me to work in a locked room for four days straight.
Level up!
Fuck your levels; I’m a burger, damn it!
=Status Update=
Name: Otto von Peter
Level 2: MC Paddy
Hit Points: 6.9
Magic: Grease
Skills: Preservation [mental fortitude +1.5], Smoked gouda [Wisdom +0.99], Hair of bacon, lettuce, tomato [+.01 Wisdom], Completed Burger from Great Sage Burgers [+1 Wisdom]
Attribute: Perseverance [willpower +2]
Integrity: +100
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