RAY VAN CAMARO
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"I hope everyone back in Gilead will be safe while we’re gone,” I said to myself as we arrived in Rockbell just minutes before the sun was due to set.
“They’ll be fine, Colonel,” Kaiser’s deep voice assured. “Colonel Fundin and the Lieutenant have additional men. Don’t forget that Ilias is a State Jynxist now. If something were to happen, he can hold his own and protect the village in your stead.”
“I know that, but being there and seeing that the place is safe makes me calmer.”
“You’re worrying too much, Sir. The village will be safe in your absence. Nothing has happened to Gilead. Ever.”
“That’s what worries me the most. Bad things happen when you least expect them. And the white whale suddenly showing up is a bad omen. It’s been three thousand years since this continent was divided.”
We made our way to Old Man Marcel’s inn where we ran into Porco stacking up crates just outside of the tavern. He dropped what he was doing and guided us to the stables, gladly taking our mounts and ushering us inside. He was disappointed that Ilias didn’t accompany us.
It took us just over two days to make our way back to Rockbell. There was going to be a thunderstorm tomorrow so it was good we made it into town today.
Old Man Marcel was happy to give us rooms free of charge. All we had to do was sign our names in the guest book.
The innkeeper pointed his pipe at John, who was about to sign his name. “You must be out of your mind if you think you’re staying in my inn.”
“What can you offer?” I asked.
Private Gama enthusiastically raised a hand. “Let’s throw him in jail.”
“Not happening. The soldiers loyal to him are there and who knows what they’ll plan. He might also get lynched.”
Old Man Marcel leaned back in his seat. “The cells are full as well. You can’t throw him in there even if you wanted to.”
I shook my head. “Other inns won’t work, will they?”
“I suggest that you don’t try that, Laddie. They’re going to be more pissed at him than me. I can control my anger at him, but I can’t say the same for the rest of the town.”
“I can’t have him sit outside in the elements either.”
“You can throw him in the stables to sleep with the horses if you want. You can have your lizard there to watch him. And summon your Dolls just in case as well.”
“I can’t take the risk. He might flee on a horse.”
Gama raised his hand again. “Why don’t you have him sleep in the pig pen in the back?”
“Gak-gak-gak-gak-gak-gak-gak!” Old Man Marcel guffawed. “I like that idea even better. Throw him in with the pigs!”
“That settles it.” I held the door open. “Kaiser, you and I will be taking John to his room. Hendrik, Rudolf, and Gama, I want you three to unpack our stuff and meet us in the tavern. You too, Old Man, we need help with things concerning the trial.”
Old Man Marcel simply nodded as all of us got to work.
Kaiser urged John outside where they both followed me to the back.
“Ray, you’re not really going to make me sleep with the pigs, are you? They stink and they roll in their feces,” John begged. “Can’t you make an earth tent for me?”
“First off, the only people that I allow to call me Ray are General Clegane, Trisha, Heloise, and my friend Czeslaw. I act casual with my troops and unit, but none of them has ever called me Ray. Right, Kaiser?”
The giant Northman nodded. “We’ve never called you Ray, Colonel.”
“So please, John. Refrain from calling me by my first name and call me by my rank.”
“You should be calling colonel too,” he cried.
“Not anymore. And number two, I can only summon my Dolls. Even if I wanted to make you an earth tent, I can’t.”
When we arrived at the sow pen, Kaiser and I put John in chains around a post to make sure he couldn’t escape. I then summoned four Dolls and had them guard each corner of the pen to make sure John couldn’t escape or hurt his new pink friends.
“Let me tell you a story, John.” Kaiser turned to me. “Can I?”
I gestured towards our prisoner. “Go ahead. You’ve captured my curiosity.”
“Before Colonel Camaro chose me to be a personal part of his unit, I was stationed at the Capital as part of the City Watch. One case stuck with me. A pig farmer just outside of the Capital filed a missing persons report for his wife. The most important time to look for a missing person is within forty-eight hours of their disappearance. After that, the chances they can be found drops significantly. We found nothing within that time frame. But something tipped us off.”
I leaned against the fence, intrigued by this story.
“Some of this farmer’s piggies seemed to be in pain. I’m not an expert at anything, but I do know a lot. A jack of all trades is a master of none, but still better than a master of one.”
“That’s why I chose him,” I said. “He’s my fixer. He has a particular set of skills and knowledge that he’s acquired.”
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Kaiser continued with his story. “I knew that the pigs were having severe tummy aches. So I fed them small stones to help their digestion and sieved through their shit to find out what was wrong. Do you know what I found?”
John shook his head.
“Thirty-two pieces of tooth. I took them to a dentist and they matched it with the farmer’s wife.”
John switched his gaze to the pigs.
“Here’s what happened; the farmer and his wife left the Capital for a few days and their pigs weren’t fed during that time. When they got back, his wife went to feed the pigs while the farmer took a nap. When she was inside the pen, she slipped and was knocked out. Imagine what the pigs thought when they saw her body limp on the ground. Finally! Food! The farmer was asleep for two hours and by that time, his pretty wife was being digested by his pigs because they can go through bone like butter and a hungry pig can eat two pounds of flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig’.”
“So be wary of any man that keeps a pig farm,” I said. “Got it.”
Kaiser closed the gate to the pen. “You better pray that Old Man Marcel keeps his little piggies well-fed.”
John begged us not to leave him there, crying and thrashing around. He stopped when we reminded him what might happen if the town found out he was there.
I led the way to the tavern. “I don’t remember you telling that story.”
“It’s not real, I made it up to scare him,” Kaiser snickered.
“On the spot?”
He nodded. “I was setting it up so that the farmer was the killer and he fed his wife to the pigs, but I thought the wife slipping and the pigs eating her out of their own nature would scare the weasel more.”
“I think it worked. I smelled shit, but I don’t know if it was him or the pigs.”
“If he did soil himself, at least he won’t be out of place.”
I snickered. “By the way, was the stuff about the pigs eating bodies made up too?”
“No, that part is real. Back in my village, one of the pigs died overnight and the other pigs ate it.”
We found Hendrik, Rudolf, and Gama at the tavern occupying the table furthest from the door. The only thing on their table that couldn’t be drunk or consumed was the candle in the middle giving them light.
Kaiser and I took our seats.
“A glass of ale for our giant,” Gama said as he poured one for Kaiser. He turned to me. “A glass of wine for you, Colonel?”
“Yeah—you know what? Give me ale as well. Why not?”
Gama poured me a glass. “Woah, the colonel is drinking ale. I’ve only seen you drink wine. Why ale tonight?”
“Because we’re going to be asking Old Man Marcel a favour and I’m trying to cater to him. The old man doesn’t strike me as a wine enjoyer.” I grabbed myself a plate and began taking portions from the feast of entrees on the table. “Also, I know these kind people said everything would be on the house for us no matter what, but can you please not take advantage of them?” I asked.
“It’s really no problem,” Old Man Marcel’s wife said as she switched the empty pitcher of ale with a full one. “We’re forever at your service. If you’re hungry, we’ll give you as much food as you want.”
“Thank you, ma’am. We’ll do that. I just want my men to order according to their hunger and not be the embodiment of the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig’.”
Old Man Marcel arrived not long after we finished our first set of plates. He grabbed a seat from another table and joined us.
“Please, grab food,” I offered.
“I’m not hungry.” He lit his pipe and took a hit. “Do you mind?”
“Most people ask if others mind before they start smoking,” Gama pointed out. “But no, we don’t.”
The Old Man turned away and breathed out smoke. “Why am I here?”
“First,” I said. “Gama, please pour Old Man Marcel a glass of ale.”
He waved his hand no. “I’m not an ale person. I enjoy wine much more. Honey, get me a glass please.”
Gama shot me a smirk which I quickly brushed away.
Once Old Man Marcel got his glass of wine, he swirled it before taking a sip. “So, what do you need me for?”
“As you know, Colonel Armstrong will be going to trial for his crimes here. I will be acting as a plaintiff and need people to testify against your colonel.”
“Testify for what? It’s obvious that he’s guilty.”
“I know, but every person is innocent until proven guilty. I need people to testify against him to prove that he is guilty.”
Sergeant Hendrik grabbed a folder from underneath his seat, cleared his throat, and presented it to the innkeeper. The sergeant was the least physical out of my unit which meant he was more accustomed to doing paperwork.
“Mr Marcel, the stack of paper I gave you is the list of laws Colonel Armstrong has broken.” Hendrik gave another list. “This other piece of paper is a list of the years he can serve and the fines he will pay.”
The Old Man quietly read them. “He can’t be punished with those without witnesses, can he?”
“No, he cannot, Sir,” Hendrik said.
“And you want me to find you, witnesses, right, Sergeant?”
“Preferably, yes.”
“I’ll find people who have the time to come. I will accompany you as well, as I’m now the owner of the mines.”
“We also need evidence for those crimes.” Hendrik took a sip. “If I can look at the evidence, even better.”
“Receipts, bank notes, notices, petitions, orders, paystubs. Anything you want, I can get. If you want to be creative with any more evidence, just holler my way.”
“Good, good, good,” Hendrik cheered. “The things you listed out are great. Those will really help with the case. If I think of any more, I will let you know by tomorrow.”
Old Man Marcel grabbed the bottle from his wife and poured himself a glass. “By the way, Sergeant Hendrik, are you a lawyer or something? It seems like you know your way around legalities.”
“I’m not, but I’m familiar with the rulebook.”
“You’d make a good lawyer.”
I nodded. “The sergeant was aiming to be one, but his mother fell ill and he had to join the military to pay for her treatment.”
“I’m sorry,” Old Man Marcel said. “How is she?”
“She’s doing great,” the sergeant said. “Before I was part of Colonel Camaro’s team, I testified against him in court. We beat him and he approached me afterwards complimenting me. The next time we met, he was asking me to join his unit.”
“You clearly said yes. How do you feel about that decision?”
“I can’t be happier.”
I cleared my throat. “To bring everyone back to the topic—Old Man Marcel, who’s going to look after the inn while you’re gone?”
A squeaky voice spoke from outside the tavern. “Me! Me!” Footsteps flurried to the door, revealing Porco. “Father, you said I was ready to take care of the inn before, but I had to start working because of the colonel. I’ll take good care of the inn while you’re away.”
Old Man Marcel emptied his pipe into an ashtray and put out the tiny flame with his calloused thumb. “Can you really take care of the inn? I’ll be gone for over a month.”
“Have faith in me, Father. I can run the inn on my own.”
Old Man Marcel ruffled up Porco’s hair. “We don’t get many travellers through here. I guess you can take care of the inn for me.”
Porco pumped a fist in the air and hugged the old man. “Thank you, Father.”
The innkeeper shot a smile at his son before chugging the rest of the wine in his glass. “When do we leave?”