She held the key in between the pointer and middle finger, and stayed rooted by the door. She could feel her heart in her throat, and the walls hugged her. All she thought of was the last time this happened, where she also stood by the door frozen still.
Being held back in class, she arrived a few minutes late, which proved to be the worst mistake of her life. Sonia had been in worse shape than ever as the interviews went on, and in a small effort to help, she completely tanked her interview to remove one candidate in the running.
“You did what?” She asked again. And then, Sam did the unthinkable. A primal instinct took charge, overwhelming all fear and hesitation, and she came to her rescue. She placed a hand out, the other hand kept behind her back in a fist, ready to strike at any moment. All cognitive functions shut down.
She must protect Sonia. Sonia is in danger, she needs to protect her. Sonia can’t be hurt, she can’t be in danger, she has to be safe. Back away, escape. She inches back, nudging Sonia with her. The girl was a dead battery, incapable of movement or thought.
Honey barks, showing teeth and claws. She notices the cut on Sam’s arm, and finds a small victory in it. Air escapes from her, and she tries to suppress the effects of suffocation as much as she can.
“I only touched her shoulder!” He finally left, telling a lie to save his thick skin. Her fist uncurled, and dropped the key to the floor.
All of the air danced around her, but she inhaled none of it. Her joints went rock-solid, rooting itself in its current foetal position and resisting any further movements with primal neurological responses. She glanced at Sonia, and she seemed to be doing equally worse if not more.
Sonia stayed frozen as well, staring off into nothingness the entire time, as Honey made sure to confirm and double-confirm every five minutes. She wished Sonia would recover instantly and come to her aid, coaxing her back to safety. Forbidden memories of her time with Sam came rushing back, as if they’ve never left, which gave her panic a hard reset just when she thought she’d be able to break through.
Held hostage by her own body, the two girls sat against the wall, looking out at the partially damaged set, waiting for someone, for anyone, to save them. But in truth, the two only wanted to be saved by each other and no one else. There was no one who could convince her of safety except Sonia, and she knew there was no one who would help Sonia recuperate except her. All they had was each other.
A tinge of warmth penetrated the paralysis, allowing her head to turn towards Sonia. Several parts of her spine ached. Sonia turned to face her too. “Look at me.” She said.
Honey felt a huge sense of relief at the sound of her voice.
“Look at me.” She announced monotonously.
Honey carried her eyes upwards. Where did Sam touch her? Was Sonia hurt? How-
“Don’t look away. Just look at me.”
She forcibly nodded and took a deep breath. Sonia inhaled and exhaled with her, melting away the glue. Her joints regained movement, and she was able to stretch her legs out. More aching pains cropped up, and the two crawled back home in pain.
**
They reached her place first, and she gave Sonia a pat before heading to open the door. Just when she thought trouble was over, her keys were nowhere to be found. Where did it go? She couldn’t have held it any tighter in her fist. She banged the door in fury, and hailed another cab to Sonia’s place.
“Welcome back-” Her mother said.
Honey silenced her with a hand, and vanished into Sonia’s room. Was this why Sonia never talked with her mother? Sonia cocooned herself underneath the blankets, burying herself into her pillow. Honey sat by her bedside and noticed her hands still trembling non-stop.
With nowhere else she wanted to be, she laid down beside her and closed her eyes, trying to sleep to no avail. After ten minutes of shut-eye, most of the panic melted away, and Sonia herself was fast asleep.
Honey got up, and looked around. Her room was a revolting mess, unclean clothes piled into the corner, spilling out across the floor. All her stationary overpopulated her table, fighting for space with the computer. Some drawers were left open, and when she tried to close them, they dislodged and almost crushed her feet.
She looked to Sonia, shifting slightly under the mountain of blankets, and sighed. Stretching lightly, she proceeded to clean her room. She started with the disgusting pile of clothes, folding each one of them neatly and then sending it to her mother in a pile. She then moved on to her clean clothes, which were few, and sorted them all by colour.
She borrowed a broom from the kitchen under her mother’s permission, and eliminated every last bit of dust on the floor, especially those collecting under her bed. She wanted to change her bedsheets as well, but didn’t want to wake her, and so she had to reluctantly allow the disgusting sight to stay.
She collected all her stationary and arranged them neatly in the corner, played around with her keyboard for a second, satisfied by the clicks, and shifted it to be exactly in the centre of the table. Proud of herself, she left her room and sat by the couch to watch TV. Of course, there was a Charlie Chaplin movie paused upon switching it on.
Her mother came to join her, offering her a batch of cookies. “Is it too sweet?”
She took a bite. Chocolate exploded in her mouth. “No, it’s perfect.”
“What happened?”
She rubbed her hands together and looked away.
“What do you wanna watch?”
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“Uh… do you have anything besides Charlie Chaplin?”
She chuckled, “Why? You don’t like it?”
Honey shook her head, she never saw the appeal that Sonia did.
“Sonia has watched this movie a billion times, to be honest I get sick of it too sometimes. I can hear the music in my sleep.” They exchange a laugh. “But she loves it.”
“Yeah, she does. She cares a lot about film. Can you talk about what happened? I’m worried you know.”
Honey sighed. “Sam…”
“Oh.”
Honey nodded, “Let’s watch Charlie Chaplin, he is the most important figure in film history after all, according to Sonia anyway.”
“Hey… take this.” Sonia’s mother passed her a card. It was a number to a psychologist.
“Oh, no, I don’t- No, I- no.”
“Just try it. I’ll pay for the first session, so you don’t have to pay for it.”
“But even if I want to go, I don’t have the money.”
“Give them a call and ask about their prices, see if you still feel the same way.”
“Ok… thanks.”
Sounds of ugly gasping and muffled sobbing can be heard upstairs. Honey got up immediately, but was put back down by her mother. “No, it’s okay. Just go home and rest, I got this.”
“Ok…”
“Thank you for all your help.”
“Ok. Uh… I lost my key, when we were uh-”
“Yeah, sure, no problem, you can sleep on the couch.”
“Oh- Aw, thanks.” She found it surprising how inviting her mother was. She sat down, and mindlessly watched the film. What about this did Sonia love to death? Sonia had never felt this much passion towards anything or anyone else…except her. She sat up, eyes twinkling in epiphany.
Through all of her breakups and fights and losses, Sonia was the one constant through it all. She had heard her complain about all her boyfriends in a million ways a million times, and never did she leave. She had to flaunt her feathers to get Sam’s attention, or for anyone’s attention, but Sonia always gave her attention unwarranted; she even hated what all her boyfriends loved.
And thus by definition, Honey had no idea how it felt like to be lonely, and to be abandoned by everyone else, left behind to rot and wilt on her own. She became the biggest hypocrite of all, always shutting others down because they ‘didn’t get it’, thinking she knew the feeling any better. She had the strongest companion of all.
She got up and headed up the stairs to Sonia’s room. For the first time in her life, she saw Sonia cry exactly like her. Tears and snot mixed together, sitting by the corner with her head in her knees, that was her routine since forever.
“Honey, it’s okay, I-”
“Ms Kristens. Can you give us a moment?”
“Honey, you’ve been through a lot-”
“Please?”
She took a pause, looked at her daughter then at her, mouthed out an ‘Oh’, and left. Honey locked the door, and sat next to Sonia.
“Go away!” She sniffed, and wiped away tears. “Why’d you clean my room! It’s disgusting!”
Honey rested her head on her shoulder, and grabbed her hand. It felt like marshmallows.
“What are you doing! Let go!”
“No.”
“I hate you!”
“Hey, remember the first time you showed me your undying love for Charlie Chaplin?”
“No! And I don’t wanna talk about that right now! What, are you gonna try and cheer me up by talking about something else entirely like I always do? Oh, how the tables have turned.” She rolled her eyes. “Save it, it’s not gonna work.”
“Then what will work? Tell me.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s my turn.”
“Ew! Am I supposed to be touched or something?”
“Look, I just thought of something five minutes ago, and I need to say it to you, okay!”
“I’m not listening to anything you say.”
Honey gripped the remaining hand and locked eyes with her. “I- how- you’re like-” She couldn’t find the words to express her thoughts. “Ok- whatever- just- I love you.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t make me say it again.” Honey blushed. “And if you insult me for it I’m leaving immediately.” She looked away.
“Really?”
She nodded.
“How- why? What?”
“I’m so disgusting I can make literally everyone in the world leave me. My family, Ryan, Sam, all my friends and whatever- but-” She smiled. “It’s… it’s impossible…to make you leave.”
“I-”
“And you hate me more than anyone else.”
“So what do you think that means? That I’m hopelessly in love with you too? Don’t flatter yourself. You’re not that pretty.”
She chuckled. “As if you’re any prettier. You’re uglier than me.”
“Wow, says the one with pink in her hair.” Sonia started smiling. “It’s such a stupid colour. Why can’t you dye it like… literally any other colour?”
“And what about you and your stupid sense of fashion? You’re a girl, but all you wear is… bleh. Maybe if you wore a dress or something people would like you more.”
They scoffed at each other. “Wanna go watch Charlie Chaplin? Your mom made cookies.”
Sonia giggled, then squealed with her tail wagging.