The hum from the light panels vibrated her skull, which made it hard to focus on the bad news Ms Eva had to deliver. “Sonia, are you listening?”
“Yes.” She wasn’t. All she needed to know was that like Sam, her title as leader had been stripped from her thanks to her mishap.
“I would be conducting interviews of everyone in the club to find who would be more suitable to lead, but I just want to ask if you had any personal recommendations? You may not be the leader for long, but you get a say in who would be the leader after you.”
“Oh.”
“So, any recommendations? What about Erin? She actually came forward to defend you. I see you two next to each other all the time in sessions.”
She nodded. Erin had every skill required to lead except for confidence. The club wouldn’t get anywhere in her shy hands.
“Ok, anyone else?”
Only now did she start to ponder the question seriously. “Honey.”
“You two are friends right?”
She nodded.
“Ok. So Honey and Erin. Thanks for coming Sonia, and I hope things get better for you. Do you have any questions or anything else?”
“Don’t let Sam become the leader.”
“Ok, may I ask why?”
“I don’t trust him.”
“Ok, I just have to ask, what is it with you two? I thought you two started the club together.” Ms Eva switched from professional to personal mode. Oddly enough, Sonia found that more inviting.
“He hates me, because he thinks he deserves to be leader and I stole it away from him.”
“Hm, I see. But his title was removed because of what he did to Honey.”
“Yeah, exactly. He thinks they over-punished him, and that what he did wasn’t stalking.” She rolled her eyes.
“I can see that makes you very frustrated. And how is Honey doing now? Has she recovered from the whole incident?”
“I think so. But definitely not 100%.”
“Yeah… they can stick with you for life. Stay safe Sonia.”
She nodded and left the office.
**
Progress couldn’t move any slower. After Ms Eva’s announcement, everyone lost all respect for her authority, seeing her orders as optional. She had to give them all the breaks they requested or they’d simply go on strike. The only one who listened was Honey and Erin, one doing her best to keep everyone in control and the other doing her best to not forget her lines. She missed the days when the club had less than ten members.
As the sands in the hourglass began to run out, all she thought of was how this added one more ugly mark on her wall of failures. A mental visual she came up with sometime in primary school, the wall of failures was made of ugly concrete vandalised with scratches, each one indicating one failure she had made. Class tests, graded assignments, school projects, mid-year examinations and final-year examinations, all of it made her teachers combust into anger. Her mother would be called down over and over again until she befriended all the canteen vendors, listening to speech after speech about how her daughter was nothing but a miserable failure with no future prospects whatsoever. Of course, they all had flowery words and purple prose to beat around the bush as to not offend her mother, but the message couldn’t be any clearer.
Unlike her father, who had mountains upon mountains of paragraphs to speak in regards to his ‘worries’, her mother said nothing. No comments or judgements or criticisms or punishment, which she misinterpreted as the silent treatment for years until her mother proved otherwise. “Why do I keep failing everything!” Sonia would ask over and over, and her mother would reply, “Because you’re different. You’re not the studying type.” Whatever that meant.
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No. She still had time to redeem herself. This wasn’t going to end up a failure, she swore over her own mortality. “Everyone, chop-chop! Since Sam is having his interview today, someone else will take over for the camera.”
The crew laid about in blatant disrespect. “Hey! Do you want to complete this film or not? You only have to endure me for a week or two, so endure it! Everyone gets into position! We’re finishing filming before someone else takes over. Those that work in post, start editing all the current footage we have and show me your progress at the end of every session. Also, we’re staying until night rather than ending in the afternoon, but I’ll… give you breaks, I swear. And if we can end early, we end early. So let’s go!”
Everyone groaned and complained.
“I’ll give you guys an hour-long break later. I promise.” This seemed to win some of them over, and production picked up speed again.
Ironically, the added emphasis on her limited time in leadership earned her some obedience. She no longer cared about the tensions amongst them, and only set sights on the film’s completion. Everyday, someone would be absent, off to explain why they’d do a better job than her, and she’d need someone else as a substitute.
As promised, she gave them an hour-long break at 5, and ate dinner with Honey in the cafeteria, which alienated her. It rubbed her the wrong way to eat bland and revolting food for dinner at school, reminding her of her mother’s cooking. Honey expressed similar sentiments, and the two resorted to junk food after a week.
One improvement however was Honey’s absence in her room. Thanks to the late dismissal, Honey no longer paid her bedroom a visit and went home straight, barely having enough time for herself to prepare for bed before her self-imposed bedtime. The two returned to their routine midnight calls, but even that grew tiresome as Honey barred any discussion about the club at this hour. Sonia would lower the volume and tune out her incessant ramblings whilst she sat on her bed, gears turning on how to speed up production of the final product. The editors did an adequate job cutting the footage together, but she always needed at least an hour to review their work and improve on its gaping flaws, and that significantly slowed things down.
Filming went as fast as she could make it, reluctantly abandoning reshoots unless an actor forgot their line or their actions. By the end of the week, most of the scenes were filmed and sent to the editing room in the worst quality she’d ever seen, but simply completing the film would be a victory for her.
Through the week, she had expected the dam to break in five separate instances, but miraculously her eyes managed to hold the tears back. This was all she felt nowadays, and she couldn’t care less. She couldn’t care about showering, or eating, or brushing her teeth, and she definitely wouldn’t care about her delayed period. In fact, she had forgotten the concept entirely, wrapped up in reviewing footage and debating herself against doing another take.
“Sonia, I think you should just dismiss them after the break.” Honey annoyingly requested.
“No, we are so close to finishing production. All we need is to film those last few scenes and we’ll be done.”
“That’s what you said yesterday, and the day before. It’s not gonna be done today.”
“Not if I dismiss them early.”
“I’m tired, Sonia!” Honey exclaimed. “I can’t act for this long!”
“Take a nap then, there’s still half-an-hour left until the break ends.”
“No, I can’t do it anymore. My head is going to split! Dismiss them after the break, I won’t be able to give a proper performance if you don’t.”
“I don’t care, just give a performance. I’m not gonna reshoot unless you forget your lines.”
“Stop doing this to yourself! What are you even trying to do?”
“You won’t get it.”
“I do…” Honey placed a hand on her shoulder, which cracked the dam. She thought the dam would break here, in front of her, but alas it did not. Was she immune to crying? Honey took a pause, tried to say something, and then decided not to.
Sonia wanted the dam to break, and to unload the tangled web of frayed wires she called her head to her. “I feel like…” She sniffled. “Like everything is…” She gestured around her shoulders. “Is on me.”
“This isn’t like school, you know? This won’t be in a report card.”
“I know, I know, but- god- This isn’t school, and if I also… then…”
“No one thinks of you like that… At least… I never have.”
“Then what do you think of me?” She rubbed her warm eyes, feeling her nose choke up, physically preparing itself for tears.
“Please… just go home after you’re done…”
She finished the packet of chips, tossed it into the bin, and returned back to set. “Everyone, back to one…” She cleared her throat. “We’ll go home after we finish this scene.” That slowly became a mantra she used from then on, stretching the rubber band as far as she could before it snaps.