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3.1 Al's Cleaning Spell

Al had been resolutely ignoring the pinprick, the injury a burning reminder of the floating skull that had disturbed its most recent commission. The job had been completed the following day, but the sight of finished product still annoyed Al. The robes of dense green cotton with a hand sewn hem of twisted gold threads a further oddness in its attempts towards a normalise life.

The clients commission had been weirdly specific, Silver needles cleaned in olive oil and ‘pure’ hand washed fabric. The latter was niggling problem after the skulls untimely visit and Al debated if the client would notice the miniscule spot of blood the enby had spilled amongst the folds of emerald cloth. A few years ago, it would have said no. The pinprick of red was hidden amongst the layers of green and gold, beyond where any normal person would spot it, but now Al wondered.

Knowing that magic was real, how does a tailor distinguish a cosplay and the real deal?

Knowing that magic was real, was it safe to assume a drop of blood was harmless? Al’s gut screamed at it, that it was not.

Resigned but furious Al grabbed the robes from the mannequin and stuffed them into its bag. It really had no choice but to consult an expert, but it didn’t have to be happy about how its day was going. In a blur of angry motion, it left the house and slammed the door shut behind it, only to realise with its first ill-fated step that it had put on a broken pair of trainers, the rubber sole of the shoe flapping loose as Al looked back at the door-less wall in disgust.

It glared at the crimson lit sky with gritted teeth, studying the dark silhouettes for a second. Its house had shifted far away, even Jack’s Lair was closer than its own front door now. It looked back down at its broken shoe, sighed, and began carefully walking towards the redlit silhouette of the stony keep.

The keep’s walls had already begun to show signs of wear, the strange fluctuations of the street already starting to carve faint geometric patterns into stone smooth. And as Al reached the buildings perimeter it tapped the walls resentfully. Aside from the wear, the stone looked normal, the smooth mortar-less rock assembled into a great seamless wall. Al placed its hand flat against the cool surface as it walked, its bloody thumb rubbing against the smooth limestone. Or maybe marble? Al shrugged, it didn’t know or care to know much about stones, though it was curious how someone had managed to cut stone so precisely that it held together without any discernible mortar.

“Its probably just bloody magic isn’t it. Everything’s bloody magic these days.” It muttered, scorn oozing from its every syllable.

As Al fumed a quiet and previously unnoticed individual piped up in response. “It does feel a bit like that does it not? – it is a rather strange thing to adjust too I must say.”

Al flinched and nearly dropped its bag as it twisted sharply to see Li leaning heavily on eir stick as ey run eir spare hand over the smooth lines of the building.

“That said, I suspect you assume too much – this is just remarkably skilled masonry. Not magic my friend.” Ey smiled warmly back at Al.

“Well, whatever. It’s still filled with wards or magic or whatever he pumped into it.” Al slowed its pace to allow the cane bound craftsperson to keep up as they both made their way towards the keeps entrance. “What are you doing here anyway? More magical things to ask our spider wizard about?”

Li smiled and shook eir head. “Actually, I was hoping he had time to teach me some things – Charlie has his arm now and its best to keep a balance in a relationship – So I decided to take up magic!”

Al stopped midstep. “Hold up, what’s up with Charlie’s arm? I thought it was all good now!”

Li just smiled softly, and continued eir slow walk towards the heavy oaken doors of Jack’s keep. “You will see I am sure, let him have his secrets for now.”

Al grunted in assent; it knew from past experience it was not going to get any more information out of its quiet friend. Still, the idea lodged itself in Al’s mind as it helped em up the stairway towards the door. Could it learn magic too? – Would Al even want to? It was something to consider at least.

The door opened as the duo approached, the show of magical power beckoning the two to join the spider within the thick stone walls. As Jack’s hidden magic pulled the doors ever wider, waves of hidden energy scraped against Al’s nerves, the sudden sensory overload causing a spike of pain from the enbies injured thumb.

Whilst Al was sucking its painful thumb and considering exactly what it would yell at the safety agnostic spider, its compatriot was far more productive, and Al was somewhat unsurprised when Li pulled a heavily folded note from eir pocket and began to read aloud.

“Step one – turn left and follow the corridor until you reach a suit of armour covered in a purple drapery.”

Al winced; all of its friends were so much more organised than it was. Al hadn’t even put the right shoes on and, here was Li with a plan and a map to Jack! After a moment’s hesitation Al swallowed its punctured pride and followed quickly after Li, keen to keep close as ey made eir way through the medieval styled maze.

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They made their way carefully, winding past great dusty halls and empty storage rooms as Li recited line after line of precise directions. As the sheer emptiness of the halls echoed around it, a wave of loneliness overwhelmed Al. This place was clearly meant for more than a single occupant. The endless rooms spoke to a bustling township within its walls, but an empty one – devoid of all but the faintest signs of life.

I was clear that Li felt much the same, the sharp click-clack of cane on stone accelerating as the older craftsperson followed eir loosely folded instructions. At the new pace it didn’t take the duo long to reach Jack and they found him suspended from the ceiling of a book lined alcove. As they entered his spindly frame flipped off the ceiling to greet them before he paused and lowered his body in what Al had discovered was the spidery equivalent of a respectful nod.

Much to Al’s surprise it seemed that the spider had been waiting for them, keen to speak with ‘Those whom-st would understand my pain.’ Al suppressed a groan, it seemed that today’s date matched Jack’s world’s equivalent of valentine’s day. A day of celebration and romantic love turned sour by the cruel cosmic separation of Jack and his wife; or so the flowery Spider said.

Al half listened as the spider spoke at length about his wife, the trials, tribulations, and great romance of star-crossed lovers in a world of humans that sought to destroy them. Li was of course enthralled by the tale, and shared eir own anecdotes about Charlie during gaps in the flowery prose.

Al for its own part listened politely, thinking that the tale was pretty tropey and basic as far as a fantasy novel went, and had to remind itself that this was events which had actually happened, not the half-arsed writings of a hormonal adolescent. Apparently, those kinds of stories did have some truth to them, but Al still found the whole thing deeply boring.

As usual it found its thoughts wandering, in this case fixating on one particular phrase as the conversation moved on around it- love at first sight. Al had heard it before of course, but it aways felt it really didn’t make much sense – how can you love someone you don’t even know? The thought troubled Al deeply, and Al’s current theory was that love struck allos had some kind of weird additional sense which randomly overwrote the others.

I mean come on now, how likely was it that Jack spouse was actually the most beautiful spideress in Jack’s world?

It had never been accurate the previous times Al had heard the sentiment and it couldn't see it randomly being more accurate now, and even if it so happened that she really had been a ‘beauty beyond words’ as Biz often said; “One data point doesn’t make a pattern.”

Li coughed and Al realised that ey and Jack were both staring at it.

“Oh, err sorry did I say that out loud?”

Jack cocked his head at the befuddled enby and flexed his shoulder in a rough approximation of a shrug.

“You did…and you have a point. Li, what do you think?”

Al stared desperately at Li, hoping against hope that eir next sentence would clarify what Al had apparently commented on. Li for eir part looked thoughtfull for a moment, leaning idly against a nearby table as ey answered.

“Yes, I think Al is correct. I think we would both prefer trying to learn a magic which fit our everyday lives rather than just the one Humans find easiest to learn.” Li spoke softly, eir voice tightening to polite almost sarcasm as ey quoted back the words Al had missed.

Al nodded its agreement, happy to have caught up with the conversation which had clearly raced ahead whilst its mind had wandered and attempted to keep focus whilst Jack quickly gave them a summary of the kinds of magic he knew and what he was willing to teach them.

When he finished Li had a list of potential options neatly written on a scrap of spare parchment. In contrast, Al had a vague sense of unease at the complexity. It had thought that magic would be like it was in videogames; classes and specific schools of magic to choose from. In contrast it seemed that real magic was messy and interlocking with blurry lines and plenty of overlap between expertise– much more a science than anything else, and Al really hated science.

“Personally, I’d super appreciate any magic which stops weird shit turning up at my house, or anything a bit more practical?” The enby tapped a nail against its face absentmindedly as it pondered the options.

“Wards, I guess? At least then I can keep away all this weird shit going on.” Al paused as the casual wave of its hand brought the forgotten bag of cloth back into focus.

“Oh, actually that reminds me, you got any magic which could fix a bloodstain? The fabric on these isn’t machine washable and I bled on it by accident.” Al punctuated the statement by laying the robes onto a nearby table as Jack scuttled over to take a look.

“Blood, you say? I’m assuming you made these for a patron?” Al nodded and the spider let out a gargling chuckle as he raised a spindly limb over the offending cloth.

“Ah – Good, good, if these were real magic robes this would be a disaster, but a cheap imitation like this should be cleaned up in no time.”

Al glared at the spider taking great issue with the phrase ‘cheap imitation’, but the thought fled its mind as Jack raised a glowing claw over the cloth and a brilliant blue glow began suffusing the air with cleansing energies.

For a moment Al was stunned by the otherworldly beauty of light, so enthralled by the magic happening between its eyes that for a moment it barely registered the point of glowing white-hot pain beneath its skin.

And then that moment shattered and the pain rushed through.

“FUCK!” Al screamed, tears spilling down its face as it held its thumb aloft, a gout of brilliant violet light pouring out of the burning wound that just moments before had been a barely visible pinprick upon its thumb.

Startled Jack dropped his claw. The effect was immediate, the angelic light collapsed and with it the violet flames were extinguished as the sobbing enby collapsed to the floor in pain.

Li spoke first, eir trembling voice addressing the spider in the room.

“Jack what happened you said it would be fine!”

The Spider shuffled awkwardly, “Actually, I said it would be a complete disaster if the robes were real…. And well, it would appear that the robes Al’ made are real...” He cleared his throat with a raspy clicking noise as he turned his head towards Al.

“And it seems that they have bound to you…”

Al brushed the tears from its eyes as it gracelessly pulled itself to its feet and turned to the spider fighting through the fading waves pain.

“And what the fuck does that mean?”