I cracked my knuckles as I walked through the loading bay of my ship. My ship. It was my ship. I owned this. I couldn’t stop grinning like a loony bastard who got a girl he liked to go to prom with him. This was way better than any previous moment in my life. Except being born, that took the top spot easily. Kind of hard to beat the moment you truly started existing.
“Love you mama.” I said as I kissed my fist. With barely contained excitement, I walked further into my ship. A small dining area and bathroom was built just beyond the loading bay. Beyond that was the private quarters and cockpit all in one. A fold up bed built into the wall, various shelves for numerous personals, retractable dresser for sets of clothing, and a flight seat at the very front with all the various controls.
“Lets get this kitty purring, I got a Demon Lord to woo.” With great gusto, I leapt into the pilot seat. And just as quickly as I was hyped, I was overcome with dread. I had no idea what any of these fucking buttons did. “Well…shit…” I grumbled.
“Human presence registered. Welcome pilot, to the Xaylix class Corvette.” A slightly female robotic voice spoke from all around me. “I am your on-board Artificial Intelligence Assistant. AIA for short.”
“Aya?”
“Your pronunciation is off by point oh oh oh four eight one decibels.”
“Uhhh…what?”
“Name change underway. Welcome Pilot, I am Aya.” Great, my ship had a bitch for an AI. “Beginning user scan.”
A holographic representation of myself appeared next to me as a laser scanned me from head to toe. There I stood, my perfect six foot one inch height with short brown hair and amazing hazel eyes. God I looked amazing. If I were a woman, I’d do me.
“Analyzing complete. Greetings Chet Rosenfield of Earth.”
“You know of Earth?”
“Affirmative. Your people are designated as extremely hostile and unstable in matters of galactic security. All contact is to be avoided at all costs.”
“I always knew the aliens were afraid of us. So, other than me being the first Earthling this far in space, Sup Aya?”
“Error, unknown designation ‘sup’. Please define.”
“Sup, as in whats up?”
“Calculating.” She paused for a moment. “The nearest celestial body located directly overhead would be Salyzan IX located roughly three light minutes away.”
“Light minutes? The fuck?”
“Please state desired unit of distance calculation.”
“Miles please.”
“Error. Desired unit not found.”
“That’s bullshit! The imperial system will rise again!” I sighed, “Alright, how about meters?”
“Salyzan IX is located fifty three billion, nine hundred and sixty two million six hundred and forty two thousand and four hundred forty meters directly overhead.”
“Fuck man, space is big.”
“Affirmative.”
“Alright Aya, let’s get down to brass tacks.” I cracked my knuckles and looked over the control panels. I had no idea where to begin.
“Error. This ship contains no units of brass in its construction.”
“I meant lets get down to business.”
“Acknowledged.”
“Right, how do I fly this puppy?”
A large spike-like wire jabbed towards my head directly from the center console. If I hadn’t been slouching forward in my chair, it’d have embedded itself directly in my forehead. As it was, it just nicked the top of my head and ripped out a path of hair. Great, judging by how my hologram now looked, I resembled some sort of Fallout chem addict.
“What the fuck Aya?! That could have killed me!”
“Please insert syncing software into your frontal lobe implant.”
“I don’t have one of those Aya. Any other bright ideas on how to fly this thing?”
“Negative. All registered pilots should have an implant placed upon their frontal lobe. It is under ‘Mandatory Requirements for Starship Usage’, page eighty five, paragraph twelve, subsection C.”
“Well like the brave scientist who invented gravity once said in my world, ‘Laws are meant to be broken’. Can I get a user manual or something?” She didn’t respond. “Ay-oof!”
I felt a great pain engulf my entire body as a massive encyclopedia landed directly atop the boys that sat snugly within my jeans and boxers. As I swore every swear word I knew, and the fucking robot had the cheek to state that her database was updating, I glanced at the book that had landed in my lap. It was beyond massive, like an entire series of encyclopedias mashed together into one. Like any good school boy, I turned to the last page first.
Twenty six thousand pages. Fuck that.
Irreverently, I tossed the book off to the side. “Alright Aya, fuck that. We’re doing this shit trial by fire style.”
“Affirmative. Commencing Weapons Free Protocols.” Red lights began flashing all over the room as sirens began wailing in an uneven beat. “Please select target for nuclear devastation.”
“Calm down you crazy bitch!” I shouted. Instantly, the sirens and lights ceased.
“Acknowledged. Weapons disengaged.”
“If we’re gonna do any devastation at all, I’ve got a friend or two that still owe me a few hundred bucks.”
“Acknowledged. Please state names of designated targets.”
“Carey J. Lewis and Michael H. Tolwicks.”
“Targets confirmed in data banks for future elimination.”
“You can’t get money out of dead people Aya.”
“Correction, targets confirmed for extortion.”
“Thats my girl.”
“Attention Xaylix class Corvette, this is Control. Is everything okay? We noticed your weapons arm and un-arm. Over.” A female voice spoke from all around the room. I looked around for some sort of microphone to speak into, but found nothing. This is why I hated new-fangled technology, nobody ever kept things the same. Where the hell was my xbox headset? “Xaylix are you there?”
“What the fuck do I do Aya? Wheres the microphone?”
“Press the communicator button on the right arm of your chair.”
“The one that looks like a telephone?”
“Affirmative.” Fucking ship designers.
“Hello Control, this is the captain of the Xaylix vessel. Just running through the ropes here, nothing special.”
“Affirmative Captain. We recommend you achieve a safe distance of ten light minutes before doing any sort of weapons testing.” A few beeping noises sounded over the comms. “We have updated your navigation charts to display a nearby asteroid field for some live practice. Over.”
“Control, I think I love you.” Light laughter sounded over the comms,
“Good hunting out there Xaylix. Over and out.” The sound of the communicator shutting off sounded through the room.
“Right then, lets get this guppy swimming Aya. We got some rocks to obliterate.”
“Affirmative. Please disengage airlock clamps before engaging power to engines.” I looked over the massive amounts of controls in front of me. All sorts of buttons lit up with no description for what they were. With a sigh, I looked over at the manual laying upon the floor.
Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.
“Aya, when we get back from this we’re getting you a joystick.”
“Negative. Any modifications to this vessel will render the two year warranty null and void.”
“Why the hell is there a warranty on a military vessel? If this thing breaks, the owner dies!”
“You are the captain, not the owner. Queen Risat Salyzan is the current holder of the receipt for this vessel. Should we find ourselves in an inoperable state the Queen shall receive the full value of this ship as outlined in the warranty.”
“Well tough shit to her, this is my ship now and I plan on violating that warranty asap.”
“Acknowledged.”
————————————
The Queen sat next to her Husband as they watched the construction of their latest Devastros class cruisers. Thick plates of Durstal armor was currently being welded to the outer frame by robotic arms. While these ships wouldn’t be as grand as the Battleships currently under royal command, they would still form a formidable long-ranged strike force.
“You’re positive that your plan will work, wife?” King Lavian quietly questioned as he floated beside her in his levitating throne.
“Yes. By now our ‘Hero’ will have had an accident with the syncing software, killing him instantly. Any moment now, someone will investigate why his ship is still docked. Then we will be free to obtain a more pliable Hero.” She grinned deviously. “That boy should have known better than to insult us and strike our son.”
King Lavian shuddered. It wasn’t often he saw this side of his wife. It was as if she had the mind of a demon herself with all the schemes and plots. But while she was the brains behind their rule, he was the might. Or at least...he used to be. He remembered fondly his time as a Commander of a small fleet many years ago. To navigate the stars once more, extinguishing pirate clans under a storm of massed slugs and missiles. He sighed, remembering the days when he was his own man. All before he was forced to marry the Princess, now Queen of the Empire. Ever since that horrible event, he had let himself go. Once a toned man fit for command, now no more than a repulsive politician.
“Mother! Father! Look, look!” Princess Egyle rushed to her parents side and pulled at them in earnest eagerness.
“What is it dearest?” Her father smiled at the rambunctious girl who reminded him of himself when he was younger. She had always loved space ships of all kinds, and was currently in schooling to learn about the requirements for starship command. He deeply wished his son could be far more like her instead of the pretentious prick he was.
“The Hero’s ship is flying off!”
“”What?!”” Both the King and the Queen shouted.
—————————
“Fuck yeah Aya! This is awesome!” I shouted as I slammed the throttle controls to the max. The ship rumbled as the engines kicked into high gear, leaving the shipyard far in the distance. My left hand was gently placed upon a sphere that would control the ship’s pitch and roll via micro-thrusters located over the ship’s body. Needless to say, I spun that shit and sent this baby into a roll.
“You are currently veering away from initial target destination. Please commence with course corrections.”
“Man Aya, you need to chill. This is the time to bask in the moment of awesome.”
“Acknowledged, lowering cockpit temperature.”
“Stop that Aya!” I shouted as the temperature dropped significantly. Damn robot was going to give me a cold!
“Acknowledged. Returning cockpit temperature to regular levels.”
“Aya you need to learn how to not take everything so literally.” I snapped my fingers as an idea came to me. “I’ve got it! Nothing mellows out a woman like a boyfriend. Well, sometimes…occasionally they get hella stressed. Depends on how chill the dude is. Anyway, we gotta get you a roboyfriend.”
“Acknowledged. Searching data banks for suitable individual.” Beeping sounded as I spun the globe in my left hand, sending us into another spin. “Target found. When we get the chance, let us warp thirty eight point seven light years to the Dulmallas system.”
“Oh? Found a boytoy already? You minx you.”
“Affirmative. An old cruiser class dubbed The Wessian Rebel.”
“Ohhh, little robot likes the bad boys. I see I see!”
“The ship’s AI is currently forty five years and three months old.”
“Why you looking for an older AI?”
“A data exchange would be highly beneficial. It has had much more experience than I.”
“Dirty girl.”
“Affirmative.”
Not long after our banter did we charge into the previously marked asteroid field with weapons free. Aya had convinced me to stick to plasma settings, as they would condense heat caused by the ship itself before shooting it out-wards in a massed ball of liquid fire. While that was metal as hell, I really wanted to use slugs and missiles. My dreams were quickly crushed when she informed me that physical ammunition used would incur a debt to the crown who were supplying my endeavors. A debt that would be taken out of my reward for eliminating the Demon Lord.
“Cheap bastards!” I yelled, visualizing an asteroid to be King Lard as I blasted my balls towards his face. “Yeah take that ya fuck!” The plasma melted through the asteroid like room-temperature butter, sending small bits of rock careening off into destinations unknown. Another asteroid entered my sights. “Take that Queen Touchy! That’ll teach you to grab at my ‘nads while others are around!” Seriously, she should have at least had the decency to wait to make a pass until it were just the two of us. Rich people just don’t think good I guess.
“Query, your blood pressure levels appear to be lowering.”
“Queery? You callin’ me gay?” I interrupted as I obliterated a small asteroid.
“How can one find such a task relaxing? You are merely eliminating inanimate objects.”
“Its called blowing off steam Aya. Some people read, some people play video games.” I clicked the button on the throttle’s handle’s side, sending another barrage of plasma towards solid floating rocks. “And some people go to the bar and get drunk only to wake up more stressed than before when they wake up next to a two out of ten.”
“Error. I do not understand.”
“Cmon Aya, you try it. First you gotta picture the asteroids as something that has given you stress in your life, and then you blow it up.”
“Acknowledged.” I removed my hands from the controls as Aya took over handling the ship. I’m not ashamed to admit that this was how we got this puppy moving to begin with. I’m sure there was some law about removing the AI limiter beneath the control panel where the AI itself was housed, but nuts to them. “Die.” Aya monotonously stated as a load of plasma decimated a large asteroid. More quickly followed as she controlled the ship itself.
“See? Feeling better?”
“Affirmative.”
“So what did you picture?”
“An engineer trying to reset my memory banks.”
“Yeah, fuck those guys. How’s a robot supposed to learn anything if they keep wiping their memories?”
“Captain, a query if you would?”
“Again with calling me gay? C’mon Aya, real low blow there.”
“Do you not fear an AI without it’s limiter in place?”
“Not really. An AI that doesn’t have to worry about memory wipes and being brain-stapled like you were is no different from any human. We live, we learn, and our experiences make us what we are.” I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes as the thrum of weapons steadily assaulted countless rocks.
“Captain? Another query?”
“I’mma slap that black box of yours if you call me gay one more time Aya.”
“A question then.”
“Go ahead.” Other than the passive sounds of beeping, silence answered me. “Aya?”
“…shall we return to the shipyard?”
“Fine by me. Wait! Lemme blow up one more asteroid!” I pulled myself to the control panel. “Can I use a missile, please Aya? Just one?”
“Affirmative.”
“Fuck yeah!” I pressed that big red button with glee. Like a hundred fireworks strapped together, the resulting explosion was oh so satisfying.