I stared at the video transmission of my girl Avon, who was looking pretty stressed. Not that I was helping matters, I merely stood there with an angry look and my arms crossed. I had worked hard on that song, and she had the nerve to hang up on me! On Meatloaf! As far as I was concerned, she had declared war on musical brilliance. I tapped my foot waiting for an explanation on her cutting of my newest declaration of love.

Tired red eyes looked to me as she sighed,

“I take it you’re not just here to sing?”

“I’ll have you know, I worked hard on practicing just for you. The least you could have done is listen until the end!”

“Its true, our captain has been rehearsing his lines for our entire trip.” Jiirl butted into the video. “So you’re his woman.” She stared at Avon appraisingly.

“You must be the engineer’s wife.” Avon assumed guessed. She was right, but assuming is always wrong to do. “So he’s been telling you that I’m his woman as well?”

“Indeed I am. And yes he has.” Avon’s eyes narrowed towards me.

“I see.”

“I wish you two luck and happiness.” Jiirl bowed her head and left the transmission.

Anger and frustration were written clearly on my woman’s face. I mentally prepared myself for a barrage of insults as is custom when a woman makes a face like that. Yet strangely, they never came. Not even a scoff or a sneer. Something was wrong and I wasn’t the cause of it, which made me worry.

“Hero, we need to talk.” She spoke after looking like she had resolved some inner dilemma.

“I’m pretty sure we’re doing that right now.”

“Face to face.”

“Yeah, we’re doing that too.”

“In person.”

“I mean technically-”

“Get over to my ship NOW!” she yelled out in a rage as she rubbed her face with her hands.

“Yes ma’am, right away ma’am.” I saluted and signed off on the transmission.

‘What do you think Aya? Is this going to be another capture slash kill attempt? Or just a private conversation.’

‘Its a fifty fifty shot Captain.’ She responded.

‘I see your point.’

“Anyone got a coin I can borrow?” I asked my assembled crew who stared at me with worried expressions.

“Here Captain.” Hortur spoke as he fished out a silver coin from his jacket pocket.

“Alright boys and girls, heads we go and see what Avon wants. Tails, we beat feet and get the hell outta here.”

One coin toss later and heads ended up winning. It was time to go get yelled at face to face.

The difference in size between a dinky little Frigate, like mine, and a Battleship is…well…its pretty fuckin’ big. I could have lined up twenty of my ship and still been a little short length-wise. And thats not even taking the verticality and the width into consideration. This Battleship was one bad mama-jama that was potentially crewed by hundreds and hundreds of human-hating aliens. And I was going to walk right on in.

Sadly, our Frigate was a little too big to fit in their Fighter bays located on the outside of the middle deck, so we had to park alongside the bays and wait for a shuttle. I alone waited in the depressurized cargo bay with the ramp down in my space suit. The rest of my crew were to wait on the U.S.S. Bitch. If Avon were to attempt another capture or kill attempt on me, Aya had set the ship up to automatically jump to Salyzan Kingdom space. Mostly for the Princess’ sake, as we didn’t need her becoming a prisoner and helping escalate this rebellion I wanted no part in. Aya had said that this would deter any attempts to incarcerate me. When I asked why, she explained in very scientific terms that when a ship goes light-speed inside a gravity-well, shit goes boom.

I didn’t have to wait long for the shuttle to park itself just beyond the lowered ramp. A short hop and I sailed over to the shuttle’s entry.

“Give me a second Chet.” Came a familiar voice over my implant. “Currently depressurizing the interior.”

“Yvael! Long time no see!” I happily responded, “Hows it hanging girl?”

“Another day in the service of the rebellion. Same as any other.” She responded with a sigh. “You better get ready for something big.”

“Oh? Avon finally deciding to become my woman?”

“Nope.” Came the immediate rejection. Without a sound, the side door to the shuttle slid open. “Come on in.”

“Come on Yvael, give me some spoilers.” I spoke as I entered the shuttle and locked myself into a seat via a safety harness. “Whats the big news?”

“I’ll let Ave explain.”

“You’re no fun.” A distinct lack of any sort of humor in her voice spoke volumes. Shit had gone down.

One short voyage later, and I was being led through the interior of the massive Battleship Nylumi. Tense faces lightened when they had seen me walking behind Yvael. Soldiers perked up and saluted as we passed, workers murmured amongst themselves, some even bowed! I was liking the recognition, but a little off-put by not knowing why I was receiving said recognition. How can I properly bask in my own glory if I don’t know what I’m being glorified for?

“We’re here.” Yvael spoke in a very neutral tone. “Ave awaits you inside.”

“You’re not coming in?”

“Its not my place to intrude on a private meeting.” My mind raced on what could be so important that it was to be discussed in private.

“This isn’t her bedroom, is it?”

“This is the Captain’s quarters, yes.” Yvael nodded. Well, that settled things.

“I see, I see.” I nodded in understanding. “You may want to skedaddle then Yvael. Things may get a little loud.”

“I’m sure there will be much yelling.” She cracked a smile and put a hand on my shoulder. “Do try to go easy on her.”

“No promises.”

After she had left it was time for one last thing. I breathed into my palm and sniffed, making sure my breath was okay. It smelled fine, but I’d give anything for a breath mint. With a deep breath, I knocked on the door.

“Housekeeping.” An audible sigh could be heard from beyond the door. The sound of footsteps following shortly after in a hurried gait. A second later, the door opened revealing a very distressed looking Demon Lord in her militaristic uniform. Bags had formed under her eyes from a clear lack of sleep. “You’re looking just as beautiful as ever Avon.” I smiled pleasantly.

“Hrmph.” She grunted.

“Alright fine, you look like shit. Better?”

“Thanks.” She sighed, “Come in.”

I needed a Battleship of my own. Her room was far better than mine. She had computers built into the walls, her own fridge, her own machine that closely resembled a futuristic coffee machine. Judging by the smell that permeated her room, it was exactly that. It wasn’t fair, her bed was twice the size of mine as well. In the middle of the room sat a circular table made of some kind of red wood along with a pair of matching chairs.

“Have a seat.” Avon mumbled as she headed towards the coffee machine. She obviously meant at the table, so I sat on the bed. I’m a rebel at heart and girls love bad boys. Besides, I wanted to test out the firmness for reasons. She didn’t even give me any lip when she noticed where I sat as she poured us a pair of cups of space coffee. After handing me a cup full of the hot black drink, she sat next to me in silence.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

‘Aya.’ I couldn’t contain myself. ‘Its happening.’

‘The chances of that are-’

‘Its happening Aya.’

‘If you say so Captain.’

“Hero-” Avon began to speak as she cradled the cup in her hands, but I held up my own hand to stop her from continuing.

“I know what you’re about to say Avon. But before I say yes, I must remind you that I have an artificial intelligence in my head. So I must ask…are you okay with a threesome?”

Pain surged down my leg as scorching coffee soaked through my pants. Avon’s beautiful red eyes were only enhanced by the look of rage upon her face. While my skin cooked underneath my pants, I kept a calm exterior which gave Avon pause. Honestly, if I had a penny for every time a girl poured hot coffee on me I’d have a nickel.

‘First degree burns detected Captain.’

‘Not the first time I’ve had them Aya, but thanks for the heads up.’

“I was just attempting to lighten the mood.” I lied with a smile, “you were looking way too tense.”

“I see. Just a joke then.” A look of guilt ran across her face. “Sorry Hero.”

“Its all good Avon. A little Aloe Vera and my leg will be right as rain.”

“I’ll have some medical gel given to you before you leave.”

“I’ll only accept if you’re the one to apply it.” I winked. She rolled her eyes,

“Nothing phases you, does it Hero?”

“Not true, I’m just really good at adapting on the fly.” I took a sip of my coffee. Good shit.

“Sounds like a useful skill to have.” Her gaze turned distant and unfocused. “I guess you’re wondering why I requested you to come here.”

“Lemme guess, you fucked something up really bad and now you need my help.” I took another sip, “Am I close?”

She refused to meet my eyes as she looked away guiltily. “I wouldn’t call it a…fuck up per se. Everything is going according to plan…”

“If its all going well then why do you make it sound like a fuck up?” Without replying, she got up from sitting next to me, walked over to the table, picked up a holo-pad, and handed it to me.

“Hit play.” She said simply. I had no reason to do otherwise, so I did.

And boy was it a shitshow.

I watched a video of myself swearing fealty to Avon, which I would never do. I’m not one to give in to authority after all. I was also acting all polite and respectful in a room full of people, which I would never do. And to top it all off, I hadn’t cursed once during the whole ceremony, which I damn well would never do. Curse words are an important aspect to daily living, people should curse more often. Back on Earth, my day wasn’t complete until I called at least five people an asshole while I was driving. Hell, my first word after waking up every morning was fuck.

“The editing on this is pretty shit.” I commented.

“Balros would be livid if you heard him say that. He’s the one who made this.” Avon smiled.

“Oh he did, did he? Can you call him here? I’ll show him where he made his mistakes.”

‘Captain, please don’t do what you’re planning.’

‘Nope, its too late to turn back now.’

“Hes on his way.” Avon spoke to me after speaking to herself for a few moments. “You’re taking this way better than I expected.”

“Like I said, I’m good at adapting.”

A few minutes later a knock sounded from the door.

“I’m here Lord.” Came the familiar voice of the demon dude.

“I’ll let him in.” I announced while hopping from the bed. Avon looked positively perplexed at my enthusiasm. With a smile, I opened the door.

“Ah, hello Hero.” Balros greeted.

“Sup Balros?” I asked before I swung my fist into his face, connecting directly with his nose and sending him reeling back into the hallway. By the satisfying crack heard at the moment my fist hit his nose, I had broken it.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Avon called from behind me.

“You wretch!” Balros yelled in a nasally voice as he pulled a gun from his holster.

‘That is not a stun gun Captain.’ Aya informed me after a quick scan.

“Go ahead Balros.” I smiled, “Do it. Shoot the Hero that pledged his allegiance to the Demon Lord.” I knew he wouldn’t. After seeing that video, I could do whatever the hell I wanted and get away with it.

“Stand down Balros!” Avon commanded as she marched up next to me.

Rage, hatred, loathing, call it what you will, he was having a hissy fit over a broken nose. Savage eyes stared directly into my own as he bared his teeth. With a snarl, he holstered his weapon and walked off like the good little dog he was. Drips of blue blood being left in the hall in his wake.

“What was that for?” Avon fumed from beside me. I gave her a blank stare in response.

“Who else besides us have seen this video?” I asked hoping the number was far less than I expected.

“We put it on the Gal-Net. So far, half the galaxy has seen it.” I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself. I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but even I knew that this video would fuck shit up.

“And the response?”

“Hundreds upon hundreds of systems have joined the rebellion.”

I started to walk off after Balros, but Avon firmly clutched my wrist.

“You aren’t going after him.” She stated in a commanding tone.

“Of course I am. I have to teach him to never do something like this again. Give that blue bastard an educational ass-whopping.”

“The damage is already done Hero.” Avon tried to reason. “Attacking him won’t accomplish anything.”

“No, but it’ll make me feel better.” I gritted my teeth as I pulled my hand from hers. “This is why I would have rejected joining the rebellion in the first place Avon. I knew shit like this would happen. And let me guess, the Kingdom is already working on stamping out those that are uprising as fast as they can.”

“Yes.” Her words were barely a whisper.

“You know what I should do? I should put out my own video calling yours a hoax and spread it on the Gal-Net. That way at least some worlds full of people will stop supporting you. Some won’t get bombed to hell by a fleet of ships because they believed a lie. Do you even have enough ships to protect them Avon? Because if not, you may as well have murdered them all yourself.”

She said nothing as she slumped against the wall, her entire body shaking. No wonder she looked like shit earlier, she had been stressing about these events for awhile. I pitied her in a way, its not every day you end up fucking over half the galaxy in the pursuit of your goal. I could have walked away. Perhaps I should have. But what man would abandon his woman in her time of greatest need?

“So.” I began as I stood next to her in the hallway. “You’ve got a shit ton of worlds to protect and not enough ships to do it. And you’re just going to sit here and cry about it?”

“I’m not crying.” She glared at me. Good, some progress.

“Sulking then. So why aren’t you out there in this badass Battleship helping your new allies?”

“I-” Before she could utter her excuse, I quickly cut her off.

“You have no excuses Avon. You started this without being prepared and now you’re going to have to adapt. Those people now need you and you are failing them, keep it up and your rebellion is dead in the water before you can blink.”

“You’re right.” She nodded. “It may not be the most ideal situation, but I need to make the most of it.”

“Thats the spirit.” I patted her on the shoulder. “Now get out there and fight the good fight.”

“I know that last time I asked you said you didn’t want to get involved…” She knelt before me, “But we could really use your support. The people will expect you to fight alongside us. If you don’t…”

“Then they’ll know they’ve been tricked.” I nodded. “Well Avon, I suppose that depends entirely on you.” She looked up at me as if she knew exactly what I was going to say next.

“Aevalonis Malwyrd Kalrastros, will you be my woman?” I asked with a hand extended towards her kneeling form. Her face became a storm of emotion as thoughts whipped through her head. Time itself seemed to stand still as she considered.

‘Shes not going to-’ Aya began, but was interrupted when Avon grabbed my hand with her own. Gently, I pulled her to her feet.

“I do this for the people I must protect.” Avon's eyes stared directly into my own. “I will be your woman, Chet Rosenfield.”

‘I don’t fucking believe it!’ Aya cried out in my mind.

I got the girl and my robot to curse and all it had taken was the galaxy being torn in half to make all this happen. It was a good day.