So there I was, laying back on my couch and clipping coupons out of the newspapers I swiped from the houses on my street. Nobody reads them anyway these days so I may as well help myself right? Saving ten bucks every time you go shopping is a win in my book. I must have saved hundreds of dollars from doing it this long. Regardless, there I was clipping out coupons when it all happened in a flash. Literally. One moment I’m on my comfortable sofa listening to some old people talk about shit I don’t give a rat’s ass about, the next I’m laying on some cold stone floor with spots of light in my eyes. At first, I wondered if I had a seizure, as I never had one of those before. But then I realized I was being a dumbass and knew that the house I was renting didn’t have stone floors.

Yup, this was teleportation for sure, as my whole body felt tingly. Always happens when you’re involved in one. Or so I’ve heard. Despite what many scientists believe, teleportation is actually quite simple. I mean, all it involves is folding space and moving through said fold to your destination. Simple.

As my vision returned to normal I began to take stock of my surroundings. Far above me was a ceiling, and a very nice one at that. Solid white stone, though it was probably painted over it to make it look that way. Cheap bastards. A pair of golden chandeliers hung from the brazenly uniform ceiling as if to flaunt the wealth of whomever lived here. One of which was directly overhead. Great. Golden chandeliers meant that the owner was more than likely a pretentious Richard with a stick up his ass.

“Ahem.” Someone coughed within the room. See, what did I say? Too pretentious to say ‘Stop dirtying my floor you filthy bastard’.

“Yeah, yeah. Gimmie a sec boss.” I responded in a bored tone.

As I rose to my feet, I dusted myself off. Not that my jeans or t-shirt were dusty, I just did it to make whoever owned this joint think they were dusty. Rich people always seemed to get offended when they find dust. Having an involuntary guest dust themselves off in their “spotless” home would be a giant middle finger. One I was proud to present.

Just to my right was a deep red carpet trimmed with golden tassels that ran throughout the center of the room, as if it’s sole purpose was dividing it in two. I rolled my eyes at the sight. Couldn’t even bother to portal my ass onto the carpet. With a sigh, I glanced at my surroundings in an uncaring manner. Big ass room, expensive stained glass windows, luxurious curtains, the whole shebang. This place screamed ‘big money’. And there I was in the center of it all being gaped at by a multitude of people in various clothing that looked like something my grandma’s grandma’s grandma’s grandma wore.

At the far end of the room were four people. One was a very large man, in the gravitationally-challenged sense, who sat upon a throne of solid gold. Grey hair graced his bulbous figure as a golden crown looked as if it was being devoured by the man’s head rather than sitting atop it. A slight look of envy in his green eyes as he stared at me. I rather felt uncomfortable being given such a look, its not my fault hes a lardo. Real men keep themselves in shape, hit the gym you bulbous porker. Seated next to him was a rather young looking woman with long golden hair and blue eyes. The very model of beauty that everyone attributes to perfect women. Elves, Queens, Princesses, you name it, they’ve got golden hair and blue eyes. She may have been a perfect ten, but if you were to ask me publicly I’d giver her a seven. You should always subtract two or so points to keep a woman humble, else she’ll walk all over you.

Slightly behind those two stood a pair of who I assumed to be siblings. They had the same gold hair and blue eyes that the mother possessed. One, a male of about five foot six inches tall with poorly concealed musculature beneath his clothing. He obviously worked out in an attempt to stifle the feeling of vertical inadequacy. I felt a slight surge of pride as he looked with open jealousy towards me. The small will always envy the tall. The other was about the same height and a girl. As expected, she was almost an exact copy of the mother in terms of looks. She noticed my staring towards her, bowed her head, and smiled.

Sorry babe, I’m single and not looking.

Standing between myself, the large grouping of people at the sides of the room, and the royal family at their thrones, was a line of guards in polished armor. Don’t know if it was iron, steel, or titanium. And frankly, I didn’t give a damn. Most of them barely paid any attention to their surroundings. A few even yawned like they had been through this before. Obviously they were only being paid to stand around and look shiny to impress the paupers such as myself. Needless to say, I wasn’t impressed in the least.

No doubt about it, this was a fantasy world thanks to summoning magic or some shit. Yawn. Seen it done a hundred and one times and it was old hat at this point. I’ve read this book a billion times and each time it gets more boring than before. Dude gets summoned, dude gets amazing cheat powers, dude acquires money and bitches in equal measure. Then dude proceeds to waste endless chapters cooking food and not continuing on his quest. Sometimes a villain of the week will show up and things won’t get tense because the main character is invincible due to plot reasons.

“Oh hero,” Great King Lardo Von Stuffingham, began his grand address. “Since ancient times, my ancestors have summoned heroes such as yourself in times of great need. I fear, we have come upon dire times after many, many years of peace in our lands. Grave news has come to us here in the Capital that a Demon Lord has returned once more and wrought war upon our people! We beg of you, please aide us in our hour of greatest need!” Great King Creampuff folded in on himself in an attempted bow from his seat. If the dude had any more mass, he’d go full neutron star.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Just point me in the right direction so I can get this over with.” I rolled my eyes and picked at the wax in my ear. “Don’t have time to deal with this bullshit.” I mumbled to myself under my breath. Apparently, I wasn’t quiet enough, as all sound died within the room.

“You dare insult our father?” Tiny Tim exuded with rage as he stepped forth from behind the eclipse of his father’s mass. “A true hero would never be so crass as to insult a king!”

“Settle down Tiny, the big boys are talking.” I scoffed in an attempt to not really defuse the situation. They needed me, I didn’t need them. “Why don’t you go run along while the adults talk about compensation? I don’t work for free.” The boy’s face went red and he reached for the sword belted to his hip.

“Hero or not, I’ll cut you down where you sta-”

“Lavizo! Stay your hand!” King Blubbernugget shouted with a booming voice. I guess a big guy should have big lungs. “Forgive my son and any offense occurred by him oh hero. Times have been harsh of late.” The King folded once more. “Of course you shall be compensated for your efforts. In addition to the royal crown funding your efforts, should you prove successful in your endeavors you shall receive our daughter’s hand in marriage.”

The young girl looked towards me shyly as he face blossomed in crimson. Sorry babe, not falling for it.

“No thanks.” Gasps filled the room at my dismissal of such rewards. The Princess herself looked to be in a state of shock as well.

“You disrespectful cur!” Tiny Tim roared as he drew his sword. The edges of the blade erupted in a blue light, like an actually light sword. Before the King could raise his hand to stop his son, Tiny Tim leapt from his position beside the King’s throne. It was at that point my assumption that he was a dumbass was completely and utterly confirmed. A downward slash made it’s way towards me. A slash that could not change its momentum with great effect. All I had to do was step to the side to avoid his obvious attack.

But he was unable to avoid my counter, as he fell directly towards my fist. One throat punch later, and Tiny Tim was grasping at his neck as he writhed around on the ground, his light-sword extinguished itself and returned to being a regular sword. Guards readied their weapons that also were edged in that weird blue light and moved towards me aggressively.

I picked up the Prince’s blade and looked it over. The hilt was made of solid metal with the exception of the bottom, which seemed to screw on. A small button was placed just below where blade met hilt. The blade itself from afar looked as if it were a regular sword, but it was actually two pieces of metal that were not directly connected together. When I pressed the button on the hilt, the edges of light sprung from the gap between the metal. With a quick thumb test, I was immediately impressed. Not only did it effortlessly cut my thumb, but it also cauterized the wound.

I sighed, turned off the blade, and held up a hand towards the guards in a peaceful manner.

“Now, we were talking about compensation.” I spoke calmly as I fiddled with the weapon in my hands, surrounded by guards waiting for the command to attack. “I’ll only accept jewelry such as rings and necklaces, preferably with gems inlaid within. I’ll also need a portal home when I’m done. I don’t know much about your land, nor do I truly care. I’m here to do a job and I aim to be compensated well.”

I once read a book just like this where the main character was given a ton of gold for accomplishing his task. He then brought that gold back home. Total bumblefuck. What happens when you suddenly return with a ton of gold coins and you try to pawn them off? People get suspicious. When people get suspicious, questions get asked. When enough questions get asked, the government gets involved. And I am not dealing with the IRS when I get back. Fuck them. I’ll sell off a few pieces of jewelry at different pawn shops and be good.

“Yes. That can be arrang-”

“My oh my, what is going on here?” A seductive voice filled the room and interrupted the King. Guards who once held their weapons towards me now gripped their weapons with trembling hands, their eyes fixated on this new arrival. The bulbous mass of the king jiggled in fear as he gasped for air. Both the Princess and the Queen froze with bulging eyes. Curiously, I turned to take a look. And I liked what I saw.

Black high heels clicked haughtily upon the masonry as a dark-blue skinned goddess sensually strutted towards me. Her legs went on for days as a devilish tail swung in tandem with alluring hips emphasized with every step. A pair of wonderful mounds were poorly hid behind her skin-tight black leather leotard. Two obsidian colored bat-like wings were folded neatly upon her back. Long black hair trailed behind her as a pair of large, black, red-tipped horns sprouted from her head just above her long elf-like ears. Red irises adorned black eyes that were settled firmly upon me. A predatory grin settled upon her perfect lips.

She was a solid eight out of ten.

“Dear King Lavian, how could you not invite me to your precious Hero Summoning! You know how much these mean to me!” The woman gasped in mock sorrow. “This is…what? The third one this year? I’m sorry your little toys break so easily.” She stopped a few feet before me and gave me the once-over. She had to be around six foot five or so, a little taller than my six one. I was going to up her to a nine out of ten. Its just so hard to find a good, tall woman these days.

“I’m afraid this one will fare no better.” She clicked her tongue with an apparent dismissal.

“Sorry babe, but I don’t break easy.” I folded my arms and stared straight into her eyes.

“How curious, the last few heroes that were summoned vowed to slay me where I stand.”

“Then they’re a bunch of idiots. How fortunate I’m not one of them.”

“So you say.” She smirked and regarded the unconscious Prince, “And what’s wrong with him, hmm?”

“He attacked me so I punched him in the throat.”

A laugh as delicious as warm honey filled my ears,

“Oh what a shame it’ll be to kill you, you’re quite interesting. For a human that is.”

“Trust me, I get much more interesting once you get to know me better.” I shot a wink her way.

“Hahaha.” She covered her mouth with a gloved hand as she laughed. “I like this one Lavian, perhaps I’ll keep him as a pet.” She spoke to the King soaked in perspiration.

“I’m nobody’s pet.” I grinned. “Though I’m not adverse to the idea.” A warm smiled brightened her face.

“Whats your name hero?”

“Chet. Mind telling me yours beautiful?”

“You may have the honor of addressing me as Aevalonis Malwyrd Kalrastros.”

“Yeah thats a bit much so I’ll just call you Avon.” Ain’t no way I’m calling her by that long ass name.

“You mean to demean me, human?” Her once warm words had turned cold enough to freeze alcohol.

“I would never disrespect my future bride.” I responded. All the tension left Avon’s face as she stared at me with a confused look.

“Huh?”

With my best grin, I pointed at the Demon Lord,

“I’m going to make you my woman.”