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Prepper's Dungeon
Chapter 65: To Kill a Mocking Gnome.

Chapter 65: To Kill a Mocking Gnome.

My friends had gone their own way after a while. Taking coach Russell with them as they sauntered off to a distant cluster of thin trees. Ones whose bark resembled candy-canes for some reason.

Coach Russell seemed to be in high spirits. But only if you didn't pay close attention.

His eyelids and the corners of his mouth were still twitching every now and then. In a way that betrayed the poorly-concealed fury he was just barely keeping under wraps.

"Come on guys!" He said a bit too loudly. "The gnomes are just up ahead! We'll have a blast hunting them down! I'll show you all a trick to catch them out in the open. I swear it'll change your life."

I'd nodded in silence upon hearing that and then I immediately made my way in the opposite direction. All by my lonesome.

I kept using Presence to train up my Precision and my control over Free-Form Magic the whole way. Still feeling a small amount of dissatisfaction over how easily the grasses and roots and shrubbery beneath my feet were swallowing chunks of the immaterial cloud.

In theory, the exercise should have come as second nature. Given how much and how often I'd spread around my own Magic when using [Terraform] and [Spawn] on the farms. I had figured the cloud of Magic would have some other effect on the lifeforms down here, now that I wasn't direction it at anything in an active manner.

In practice, it felt like using [Over-Mind] to pass orders to units that weren't there. Not only did I feel silly doing it, but the Magic itself felt as though it was turning its non-existent head in confusion whenever bits of it got back to me.

As if it was saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure you know what you're doing boss? This doesn't seem to be the way things work. Did you hit your head?"

And to make matters worse, keeping the field in one piece was a challenge in and of itself.

While Mr. James Robertson, coach Russell or indeed, Elsie, could keep their Magic floating around them like a semi-invisible dome, my magic kept acting up. Like a hyperactive dog when they heard the door open or a toddler stomping around in the mud.

The field would not sit still for one measly moment no matter how hard I tried and the outer edges either dispersed into the air or were swallowed up in chunks by all the foliage I was stepping over.

It served to make the grass greener, but I could have done that with [Terraform] so even that wasn't anything new. After a while, the only thing that made the interesting was the ambiance.

The 10th floor was rather nice compared to all the previous biomes we'd trudged through.

If the 6th floor of the Dunstonberry Dungeon could be classified as a fetid swamp, then the 10th floor could best be described as a swamp from German fairytales.

Still fetid, but colorful and whimsical on top of that.

The giant mushrooms here were almost as tall as the oak trees back on the farm. Massive in height and width, while sill being dwarfed by the sequoias that came after. All of them were topped by bright red caps crisscrossed with polka-dots the size of human heads and all of them let out a pleasant, relaxing aroma that only became more alluring the closer one got.

The smell was so nice that it almost made me forget about the small mountains of polished white skulls that decorated the base of the mushrooms.

Almost.

As things stood, I felt it prudent to send a bunch of sacrifi... scouts. To see what the big deal was.

The Venomlings approached without issue. And then...

Nothing happened.

They roamed about the base of the mushrooms for a few minutes. Sniffing the air for a bit and not really doing much of anything.

I used some Magic to enter their minds and ordered them to start slashing the soft trunks of the giant mushrooms. Green ooze came out from the wounds, releasing even more pleasant and relaxing smells.

But nothing further happened.

So, I ordered my Venomlings to bring me some of the ooze and [Assimilated] the sample.

The result was me feeling a bit dizzy for a few seconds, but nothing apart from that. The ooze wasn't toxic, as far as I could tell. Nor was it acidic or filled with parasites or with viruses.

"Whatcha doing?" Elsie asked from the side. Appearing as if from nowhere.

"Oh. Nothing. I was just trying to see what made the mushrooms so dangerous."

I pointed to the piles of skulls and the many, many scattered bones underneath. Some of which had been crushed and spread around the roots.

"I can't seem to figure out how all those bones are getting there. At first I thought the mushrooms must have some kind of lure they use to hunt, but none of my units were targeted. I don't know who or what is doing all the killing."

"Oh. That's easy." She giggled. "It's the seniors."

"The seniors?" I blinked in confusion.

"Yep. Our dear upperclassmen. They kill monsters all around the place and leave them to rot around the Sky Shrooms so they keep growing."

I blinked again.

"Why would they...?"

"Because then they can harvest more of the sap more frequently." She answered. Giving me a look filled to bursting with hidden meanings.

"They aren't supposed to. Technically, no one is supposed to be out here harvesting the sap. No one but the doctors and the pharmacists that is. The former can use it as a base to make high-level anesthetics when combined with other reagents. The latter can use it as a salve to cure certain diseases and curses. Or for relaxing perfumes to help people deal with trauma. Or for aphrodisiacs. The odor makes people get all nice and happy and fuzzy inside."

She paused to glance over at some of our peers as they tried to approach another mushroom out in the distance. Looking guilty as sin as they did so.

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"All forms of the sap are very addicting. To some degree. Until you reach level 4. Then you need stronger stuff or else you won't feel anything."

She gave me the same look she gave the other students.

"Strictly speaking, you're supposed to get a prescription for the finished product and touching the sap down here is a big no-no."

She sighed dramatically.

"But you know how some people are. There's not much to do around these parts aside from training and some people get stressed every now and then. Regular booze doesn't really do the trick with us folks at higher levels. Even if the seniors could get their grubby mitts on some bottles. So, they improvise."

I turned to the disgusting, thick sap. Then back to her.

"So, they...."

"Make Shroomshine. Yes. That's exactly what they do." She shrugged her narrow shoulders. "It takes a bit of boiling and a lot of distilled water from what I've heard, but making the stuff is pretty easy. If you've got the time and a discreet spot to make it. That's why they call these Sky Shrooms. Because they take you sky-high with just a sip."

She gave the ooze a narrow look.

"I wouldn't try it. If I were you. You've got enough problems as it is. And I'm not joking about it being a big no-no. You could get fined a lot of money. Like, A LOT of money. And spend some weeks cleaning up garbage and working the compost station to boot. They put you on a watchlist if they catch you doing it more than once and the guards here are really, REALLY good at finding small hidey-holes in the middle of the forest. You certainly wouldn't stand a chance."

I opened my mouth. Then closed it again.

"What, uh. What should I do if I've already absorbed some?"

She gave me a stern look.

"Through your Magic?"

"Yes?"

"Are you feeling the effects?"

"No." I shook my head. "I wouldn't even have known about the effects if you didn't tell me."

She nodded.

"Then I suggest you keep it to yourself. And don't even think about growing more mushrooms or making Shroomshine with your Magic." She wagged a stern finger at me.

"I'm completely serious when I say this is a problem. Grandpa James is always going on about it. And Great Grandpa Carlyle too."

"Yeah. I'll bet. A bunch of superhumans high on shrooms doesn't exactly sound like a fun time for me either."

She sighed in faux-relief. Theatrically rubbing he corner of her right eye.

"Thank goodness. My boyfriend isn't turning to substances in his time of need."

Then she gave me the most sarcastic smile I had ever seen up to that point.

"Don't worry Cecil. I'm sure our love will prevail."

I was just about to tell her something very witty and sarcastic, when Pool-Cecil stated whispering again.

'You know. This is an avenue I did not consider. One of domination through guile, rather than merely brute force. Quite foolish of me, in hindsight. We could strengthen the substance for more acute effects. Perhaps even hard code a similar reaction into the produce we grow outside my... our Dungeon. I'll bet we could make a pretty penny. While also making sure those nations that rely on the farms to offset their inadequacies can't switch to a new supplier. Who knows? Perhaps we might even see normal-looking apples traded for hundreds of dollars. Or more. It would only take one taste, if we get the chemical balance right. Perhaps even these seniors might be persuaded with....'

"AAAAAAAHHH!!!!! SHUT UP! HOLY COW! THAT IS THE SINGLE MOST EVIL THING I HAVE EVER....!!!"

"Cecil?" Elsie interrupted. Now looking serious. "Are you okay?"

I gaped at her once my repulsion was interrupted. Then I gaped at all the dozens of students watching us from afar. They were gathered in groups of two or three. Eyes wide with surprise. With apprehension. With barely suppressed terror.

"Is there a problem Cecil?" The elder Robertson asked calmy. His slick black hair not moving as he landed after a stunning leap.

"No Mr. Robertson." I said at once. "Just my new Skill acting up. That's all."

He gave me an understanding smile and then turned to the others.

"Okay. Nothing to see here folks. Cecil's got everything under control. He just needs some space to breathe."

He made a fist and brought it over an open palm.

"I know. How about you and Elsie go gnome hunting for a while." He beamed. "It is a great load of fun. Trust me. Whenever I'm feeling down, coming down here to gut some gnomes always puts a smile back on my face."

He must have seen the expression on my face, because he continued.

"Don't knock it till you try it. It really is catharsis like you've never felt before."

"O...kay? I mean, I get that they're monsters but why would gnomes be any different from the others?"

Everyone around me laughed.

And I really did mean everyone. The tension dissipating as if it were a distant dream.

"Hahaha! Aaaah." James Robertson stopped after a few seconds. "Gnomes are... different. They're mildly telepathic. Normal monsters will usually try to kill you or main you or generally take a chunk out of you. Gnomes can...."

He paused to lick his lips.

"Hurt you in other ways."

He gave me a stare full of meaning. Though I couldn't guess what the meaning was.

"I saw Pool-Cecil's memories and I know he tuned most of it out, so this will technically be your first encounter. I say it's good to come across different kinds of monsters and get a feel for how they operate. None of them will even come close to the kind of combined arms warfare you dreamed up. But some of them can still surprise you."

I nodded slowly and took it as my cue to leave in the direction he'd indicated.

Elsie tagging along close behind.

"What was that about?" I asked in a hushed tone.

"Everything my grandpa told you is correct." She affirmed. "You'll see. It really is cathartic. Like watching a horror movie where the slasher gets their comeuppance. Or one where the brain-dead teens get what was coming to them for being so dumb."

"You're not making any sense."

"Not right now. But you'll see. You just have to experience it yourself."

She reached out and grabbed my hand.

"Just know that whatever happens, you'll feel better at the end. And I'll be here to support you until you get there."

I gave her a doubtful look, but said nothing.

A few more minutes of light jogging, by superhuman standards, saw us coming across a wide empty clearing. Where a few pointy red hats were sticking out of the tall green grass.

One by one, those hats rose up. Revealing chubby, rosy cheeks adorned with lustrous white beards.

"Are they wearing clothes?"

"Yep." Elsie confirmed. "They have their own little society between the 10th and 25th floors. With a bit of industry and everything. They always spawn in with some knowledge, so they always build back up no matter how many times we kill them."

"Why would you want to kill them? I mean, compared to normal monsters they seem pretty harmless. And your grandpa said they won't try to attack either."

"No." Elsie corrected. "That's not what my grandpa said. He said they can hurt you in other ways."

"Yeah, but I don't get what that mean..."

"Well lookie here boys!" One of the gnomes spoke up in an old timey British accent. "If it isn't Cecil, friendless, Fowler! In the flesh!"

"Isn't he the one who got his parents killed because he wanted to go to the zoo?" Another one asked. Loudly.

"Yes! That's him! His parents got squished by a drunk driver because he wanted to go to the zoo! If he hadn't thrown a fit, then they'd still be alive!"

"An idiot AND an orphan! What a combination!" The gnome laughed.

All the gnomes laughed.

"Hey! Hey! What's the difference between an orphan like Cecil and an apple?"

"I dunno. What?"

"Apples get picked!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

All the gnomes were getting out of the grass now. Slapping their knees as if that was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

"Hey! Why is Cecil not funny?"

"Why?"

"Because every joke he tells falls flat! Like his parents!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

One of the gnomes actually fell on his side and stated rolling as he laughed.

"Hey! What does Cecil call selfies?"

"What?"

"A family photo!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

Another one fell on his back. Gasping for air.

"Hey, hey! Why are sad wittle orphans like Cecil bad at poker?"

"I dunno, why?"

"Because they don't know what a full house is!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

They all started pointing as they laughed.

"Hey! What's the difference between outlaws and orphans?"

"What is it?"

"At least outlaws are wanted!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

One of them wet their pants.

"I got another one! How you make Cecil's hands bleed?"

"How?"

"You ask him to clap until his parents come home!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

"HAHAHAHA!"

The ones on the ground began beating the soft dirt with their little fists.

"Okay, okay. I got one. Why does Cecil like to sit alone in the corner?"

"Oh! Oh! I know! Because he wanted some family time!"

They all laughed again.

And then they kept laughing and laughing and laughing.....

"Oh! Look! He's crying!"

The tallest gnome huddled over to me.

Jabbing me in the thigh with his skinny gnome arm.

"What, you don't like jokes orphan boy? What are you gonna do, huh? Who are you gonna tell? Your parents?"

They all laughed.

"So? What are you gonna do about it huh? What are you gonna dooooooo?"