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Phenomena the Basic Witch and the Evil Book of Love
Chapter 25: Everybody's A Star In West Wormwood

Chapter 25: Everybody's A Star In West Wormwood

Mena shuddered. Rainbow Rhubarb was described in her W.A.R.E. class as one of the most potent plants next to LS-Tea. It not only transplanted your mind directly into one of your lucid daydreams, but if you didn’t control yourself, you could find yourself sleepwalking in your own daydream, bumping into objects in real life and doing things you’d otherwise regret. This man was what her W.A.R.E. teacher called a No-No peddler. Trying to buy time, Mena instead asked, “Umm, who are you? And why are you trying to sell me that suspicious plant?”

The No-No peddler extended a greasy hand for a handshake, but Mena didn’t stick out her arm. The man, catching the hint, though still not realizing Mena was a girl, said, “Well, since you asked, man. The name’s Dave. Or as folks call me ‘round here, Secret Dave. I got secret goods, and I’m a bit offended by your insistence that I’m trying to sell you something, dude.”

Mena raised an eyebrow. “You aren’t?”

Secret Dave gave a haggard grin and smiled, “Of course, man. I’m here to give you some for free. I don’t believe in that capitalism mumbo jumbo.”

Secret Dave reached into his over-coat with great enthusiasm and whipped out a piece of red rhubarb, thrusting it into Mena’s face. “Come on, man, try some of this, Red Rhubarb.”

Mena winced from the plants foul smell, but Dave was insistent. “Come on, man,” he begged in his deep voice. getting somewhat hysterical. “If you take some of this, you’ll wake up soon from this dream we’re all trapped in, maaaaan.”

Mena squirmed uncomfortably. She knew from her Auntie never to put any kind of unknown plant in her mouth, but Dave started clutching heart dramatically holding the rhubarb up in the air. “If you can save yourself you’ll save us all, maaaaan.”

Suddenly, a self-assured tenor voice filled the air. “The only one who needs saving, other than this poor mustached girl, is you Secret Dave….from yourself.”

Secret Dave immediately stopped the melodramatics to glance at a dashing young man who stood before them. He had perfectly permed dark brown hair that matched perfectly with his dark brown eyes, a boyishly smooth face, and a green and white sweater-vest. The young man held up his finger to reveal a silver ring with a brain-shaped molding and a singular eyeball glowing from it.

“Do you see my ‘Purity of Mind’ ring?” the teen asked as the ring flashed on his finger. “I don’t condone anything that gives illicit daydreams to innocent young girls.”

“Who are you?” Secret Dave stammered, “And are you an undercover cop?”

“Hardly,” the young man said, sweeping his bushy brown hair out of his eyes. “My name is Nick Clearmind, an esteemed dream actor and recording artist. And everything I do promotes a clean, healthy mind.”

The eye on the ring flashed bright red and a haze fell over Secret Dave. His eyes flashed bright red, before settling into a dreamy gaze. He then shook his head. “What was I doing, man?”

“Why you,” Nick said with a winsome smile, placing his hands on Dave’s shoulders. “You were going to rethink your life and sell vegetables instead. And I don’t mean yourself, of course.”

“That’s a good idea, man,” Secret Dave said, “I’ll be sure to work you in for 10%.”

“No need,” Nick flashed a grin and lowered his glowing ring. “Having a clear mind is its own reward.”

As Secret Dave trudged off, Mena stared dumbfounded at the man who saved her. He walked over and looked directly into her eyes, “I’m sorry about that man,” Nick said, his blazing dark eyes gazing directly into her soul. “He was thinking with a contaminated mind. I know you heard me before, but my name is Nick Clearmind, and I’ve got such a beautiful mind that I star in my own dreams here in Wormwood.”

“Homina homina homina,” Mena said, a streak of red blazing across her face. “You can have a side job starring in my dreams too…”

Her mustache fell off her mouth and onto the ground. “Oops,” she said, and went to pick it up. As soon, as she got back up and looked back at Nick, he turned red too.

“Wow,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You really should do away with that mustache, a smooth lip really suits you. Who are you?”

“I’m M-M-Mena,” Mena gushed

Nick gave a candid smile and caused her to bashfully turn away. “I was informed the winner of the WCAL contest was here, does it happen to be you, pretty lady?”

“It’s me,” May said angrily, floating in front of the hotel beside Janus.

“Oh, that’s a shame,” Nick mumbled, and Janus and May glared at him. “I mean, are you all friends?”

“We are, Mr. Pinky Ring,” Janus said, slightly teasing.

Nick rubbed his hands together. “Excellent. Because I was the celebrity hired by WCAL to show you the many esteemed sights of Wormwood.”

“Wowie zowie,” Mena squealed. “Touring the star-studded sights of Wormwood with a total hunk? You can count me in.”

Nick winked at the three girls, “You better brace yourself. Tinseltown shines the brightest when you look directly at the stars.”

***

“First things, first,” Nick said, as the four of them walked along the side streets. “We gotta get you cool chicks some new clothes. I have no idea why two of you are dressed as train workers, and in fact, I don’t want to know.”

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“That’s for the better,” Janus whispered in her high voice.

Nick led them to a clothing store that read, “Witchever 21.” There were several fashionable mannequins wearing witch hats and robes, shaped into mini-skirts and lowcut tops. “Fortunately, I’ve got the perfect place to remedy your fashion faux-pas. Who’s up for an all-expense paid shopping spree?”

“EEEEE,” Mena and May both screamed, as Janus looked dreamily onward. “We are.”

Forty-five minutes passed in the clothing store, and Mena, May and Janus all emerged dressed in the latest witch couture. Mena wore a striped navy blue and black top with a cobweb miniskirt and a matching striped hat. May, was dressed in a pumpkin orange sweater and cat patterned leggings and Janus, not surprisingly, wore a jet-black shroud, with sprayed up hair with pink and black bows and powder white goth makeup.

“In Wormwood,” Nick said, as he put his arms around Mena and May. “The city is your cauldron, and your clothes are the magic brew that bubbles it up to the top.”

“I definitely want to froth my way to the top,” Mena said with a big smile on her face. Janus and May both frowned at her returning arrogance.

“Now how about we sashay to the Central Square,” Nick said parading off. “We got lots to see today on our Tour of The Stars.”

As they entered the Witch Hat Square, Mena walked along the Walk of the Worms, a cement road paved where every single warlock or witch celebrity of any notoriety was paved into the road. “Hey watch it,” a voice screamed at her from below. “Eek,” Mena screamed as a cement wizard face talked back to her.

“That’s Walter Warlock,” Nick laughed. “He hates whenever anyone steps on his face.”

“Wait,” Walter shouted from the concrete as Janus stepped over him. “You can come back though.”

Mena looked at the towering witch’s hat, fixed like a beacon at the Central Square. People surrounded it, marveling at it, jogging around it or simply passing it by. Once again, Mena wondered why there was a rainbow flame burning at the top of it. She put that question into words for Nick.

“Ah that?” Nick said, “Why that is the very source of power of all Wormwood. The great Force Flame. It is the only reason why that cursed witch Anguish cannot enter our fair tinsel town.”

“But why?” Mena asked, but still breathing a sigh of relief, knowing there was no way the terrible Anguish could get to her

Nick looked around, making sure no one was nearby. “It’s a bit of a trade secret. But word is, the flame is a spell cast involving her DNA to prevent her from entering.”

“That’s interesting,” Mena said, observing the multi-colored flame from far below. It was strange too, but at least the flame did its job.

The sun dipped lower over the city, tinting everything to auburn. As the girl’s stomachs rumbled, Nick smirked. “I know what time it is: dinner time.” He spread his hands far and wide. “But where to fine dine in the bevy of seven-star restaurants that run through West Wormwood?”

Nick’s eyes glinted. “I know the perfect place.”

***

Planet Wormwood, as the glowing neon sign indicated, was a large planetoid shaped restaurant that resembled the moon of Autolycus in all its lush glory. Mena’s stomached grumbled more and more as they waited on line to dine at it. The line seemed to move at a sloth-like pace, but slowly but surely, it slid up to being Mena’s time to go. The bouncer, who was a miniature rock golem, glared at the girls from his ember orange eyes. “I forgot to tell you,” Nick whispered. “They check ID’s here. You must fourteen and older. Is that good with all of you? “

Janus and May nodded, but Mena gulped hard. She was one year younger than both her friends and had turned thirteen very recently. She smiled nervously and immediately placed her handlebar mustache between her lips. As they reached the golem, he pulled out a magic wand and tapped Nick’s head. The number fifteen appeared over his head. He then followed with May, who indicated she was fourteen. With Janus, it was “negative fourteen in death years” and the golem said, “Hmm, good enough.” At last, they came to Mena, she shook back and forth as it tapped her on the head. The condemning number thirteen appeared above her head, and the golem said, “Up, kid, you gotta go.”

Mena deepened her voice and talked in a heavy accent. “Umm, would somebody who was only thirteen be able to grow such a luxurious mustache.”

“Rules are rules, kid,” the golem grunted. “Perhaps you’re better off at Burger Crone.”

“No…noooo,” Mena sobbed, her eyes suddenly wet with tears. “Please don’t leave me guys. I so badly wanted to eat in such a high-class place.”

Nick and the golem looked at each other, and before Mena knew it, they were belly laughing and giving each other high fives. “Wait,” Mena said, drying her eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Kid,” the golem guffawed, holding his belly. “This is a family restaurant. Old Nick the Slick, wanted to see if he could get one over on you.”

“B-B-but,” Mena’s voice wavered. “How do you know I’m only thirteen.”

Nick chuckled. “You got a clean mind there, pretty lady. Very easy to do a bit of mind reading when that’s the case.”

Mena turned bright red. Suddenly, she felt naked and exposed. Hopefully, he didn’t know anything else about what she was thinking. Like how cute she thought he was.

“Ah well,” Nick said, slapping his leg. “Joke’s over. Now’s time to get some fried grub. For a matter of fact, they do serve fried grubs here. Good stuff.”

The golem beckoned the four inside with a humble bow, and Mena found herself in a cool, dim restaurant and pub, highlighted by neon witch and wizard hats and glowing flames. Mannequins of famous witches and wizards stood everywhere and sometimes they even winked when you passed them. As everyone was guided to a nearby table by a witch waitress, Nick reclined in his chair. Mena, still feeling a bit bashful, sat between May and Janus.

“So,” May asked, somewhat pointed at Nick, who had been mostly ignoring her. “Are you really a Dream Actor?”

“Precisely that,” Nick said, stretching his feet at the bottom of the table and probably hoping for a game of footsy. “We use Prismacolor projectors to filter our dreams onto the silver screen. And mine are so pure, that tons of young girls and women want to watch them over and over again.”

Janus placed a hand on her pointed chin. She winked deviously. “What happens if you use a Prismacolor projector on someone with naughty dreams?”

Nick seemed a bit shocked by the question but eased into a laugh. “Oh, they got a separate cinema for those.”

Mena sighed as she slid back in her chair. Even if Nick had teased her, she had to admit it was a pretty funny gag. She already liked him, and Wormwood itself. It was great being in the lap of luxury and hopefully she could forget about her woes before confronting them at Melina Penwell’s building. Unfortunately, another thought overwhelmed her mind too. “Uh…guys,” she squirmed around in her seat. “I think I need to go to the ladies room.”

Nick was already on the job. “Take a left at the kitchen and you’ll be right in heaven itself.”

Mena thanked him and immediately got up, heading straight to the kitchen. Once she got to the swinging doors, she thought to herself. Wait a minute. Did he tell me to take a left or a right?

There was no time, Mena pushed on the closest door she could find and found herself outside again. This time in a back alley. As the cool air blew and wafted the smell of garbage from the restaurant. Mena cursed to herself. “Drat rats, where am I?”

She was about to head back inside when a voice called to her from behind a pile of trash. “Me-hee-na.”

It sounded like a horse. Mena could hold it for a bit longer. She wondered if it really was a horse. “Me-hee-hee-na,” the horse’s voice whinnied sickly.

“Is that you Scalera?” Mena asked quietly, timidly walking through the alley way. As she stepped around a pile of garbage her question was answered.

Lying there, was the enormous skeleton of a Unicornea. Its eye completely hollow.

“Scalera…” Mena gasped.

“Mee-hee-na,” it rasped. “You failed me.”