Her knees and forearms dug into the dirt and mulch beneath her.
The Empress heaved and cried, hunched over her bent knees as she watered the velvet rose bushes surrounding her. There were moments where she thought she’d regain control of herself and her emotions. But the flashes of vivid images would resurge her pain again like an unforeseen ocean wave.
The sight of her deceased mother, skull caved in at the edge of her left forehead as blood seeped out. The sight of the palace medical staff carrying away her dead father’s remains, shrouded by those satin white sheets she had unknowingly killed him in. Both of those mornings, she had cried until she had exhumed all the water in her body to continue. Yet they were exhumed for different reasons: one night full of total sorrow and pain, the other, of unbridled fury.
When Alec had left in the middle of the night a few days after, that next morning Jessamine did not cry.
She remembered all the whispers, spoken both aloud and in their own heads, of the surrounding council that following morning. When Payne had shared the news of Alec’s disappearance, Jessamine knew the only person she could mourn in that moment was herself. All of them believed she was not worthy of the throne, that she wouldn’t rise to the challenge, that nobody would follow a woman who was more regent than political. Who was more of a beautiful figurehead than a woman of authority.
She had proved them all wrong, but at what cost.
“Haven’t I given enough?” she cried to herself, sobbing into the earth to try and bury herself atop her mother’s rosebush covered grave.
The air was cold, just as she liked it. The moment she would grow comfortable in the climate, a harsh breeze would swoop in like a channel in this large garden, chilling her to the bone. She thought she had gotten so used to the cold. Yet, that night of her twenty-seventh birthday, that cold had been warmed by a thick layer of kaftan silk.
“I am a fool, a dangerous, broken fool,” she whispered, her bottom lip trembling as she watched her fingers dig into the dirt beneath her, trying to bury those instruments of pain, “If I had stopped Mattias, if I had disobeyed the one night I should have, you’d be alive. You’d be here. Father would…”
Her cries trailed off, knowing that it wasn’t true. One sin prohibited from occurring would not stop another one in the future. If she had stopped Mattias, another man would have been permitted to enter her bedchambers and make an example of her. If Alexandria truly was a spy, her betrayal would have been noticed by Payne eventually.
Nothing would have stopped the corruption growing into her father’s mind and soul. No amount of love from Emperor Kristoff’s family would have beaten the sadistic whispers of Payne’s influence. Her mother would have pulled Jessamine away regardless, knowing she could not watch her daughter suffer a similar fate akin to her own.
Yet, she had. She had been alone, in a palace full of servants, staff, and spies. Loneliness was the true epidemic of this cold place. Her loneliness made her reliant on Vrah, open to the idea of eventually letting him in despite her heart belonging to someone else. The moment had come where she had to make a firm decision, one she knew she had made correctly. She would suffer at his side, she knew that to be true.
Now, it felt the world would suffer because she decided she could not.
All of this cold and sorrow was temporary. She knew that. She knew the rage of her dealings with Vrah earlier this morning waned into a self-doubtful fit of sadness. That sadness would eventually turn into determination. The cycle of her emotions would continue, this time without interference from infiltrating her own mind. Just as she could hardly enter minds unless the occasion called for it, she couldn’t do it to herself either.
To feel is to live. To live is to love. To love is to feel.
“Please, tell me I made the right decision. Show me that I made the right call, mother. Let me know I am not your greatest disappointment,” Jessamine whispered to herself.
Part of her was sickened that she still yearned for an approval she knew she would never receive. Yet if her heart still ached for her mother’s touch, it meant her presence still lingers here somewhere. If that was true, then Jessamine hoped it meant her father rolled uncomfortably in his grave, just like he had in his sleep before she killed him.
To feel love and hate at the same time was mere indication of her worth. To hate that an entire Continent of various empires and kingdoms could come crashing down because of love, meant her decision was that of truth. Not truth to others, but truth to herself. Love did not come easy, especially for Jessamine. Yet it had arrived and challenged her, beckoned her to a new understanding. A love like this was truly rare because few people would actually fight an entire continent for it.
I don’t have to be perfect to be loved, she thought to herself, telling herself that over and over again until the tears withered away.
Sun began to pour momentarily into the garden, warming a spot on the back of her neck as she slowly raised herself, glancing up to see it was actually the beginning of a sunset. She didn’t know how long she had been out here, toiling like a clueless gardener with no tools to prune. She wiped the dirt from her arms, reaching forward to the closest bush to pluck one perfect dark violet rose. The smell of it alone gave her a warm smile. If her tears could water this plant to grow further, then all that toil was worth it.
The sound of a servant approaching with a tray removed her from her thoughts, glancing up to see one of the younger servants surprised to see her in the dirt. Jessamine two years ago would have been so distraught at having a servant see this side of her, to not see an Empress with her head on straight, smiling and proud of her people. Sometimes, just sometimes, people needed a glimpse at the pain and toil ruling this empire could cause.
Perhaps most women could relate to a pinnacle moment in time, where sadness altered their canvas of beauty ruined by make-up stained tears.
“I-I’m sorry Empress,” she immediately began to excuse herself, “I wanted to give you some privacy but someone was very insistent on giving you some tea.”
She placed the tray down gently on a nearby bench, pouring a hot batch of Shay Al-Bahr into a teacup for her.
“Thank you,” Jessamine smiled warmly, quickly wiping away the slight stains of makeup she knew to be beneath her eyes.
“Of course, Empress,” she nodded, “I brought some honey as well. I had to tell him that you don’t like honey in your tea. But again, he was very insistent. I suppose returning to the kitchen with the honey might prove him wrong.”
What on earth did she do to deserve this man? Only he, out of the hundreds, perhaps thousands of people she ever had spoken and interacted with, would remember that she liked tea in her honey only when she was sad. She believed she had only said it once, maybe in passing while they read books together. Yet he remembered it.
I normally like my tea bitter, just a sweetness of mint to feel a spice of life. Yet, I like honey when I am sad. The bit of sweetness makes me believe I could be sweet too…once the sadness is all gone.
“Insistent? He was not rude to you, was he?” Jessamine inquired, slowly rising from her knees as the cup of tea began calling her name.
“Oh, no. Not at all. He was very polite about wanting to send you tea. He was merely adamant about the honey, almost as if he couldn’t wait to prove me wrong,” the servant laughed softly, even blushing slightly.
“Unfortunately, for you, I do like honey in my tea on a day like this. He was not wrong,” Jessamine smiled in return, of course knowing Kaid would be kind with this gesture, “Thank you, again. If you see Kaid, thank him for me as well.”
The servant nodded, her smile turning a bit mischievous. She had never once mentioned it had been Kaid who had wanted the tea delivered to her. Now, she couldn’t wait to return to the other maids and kitchen staff to share the moment. Even if she was fairly new to the palace personnel, it was not new that the Empress had a wonderful love affair with her fairly handsome Guardian. That was all two years ago, according to the gossip.
Now, that handsome Guardian had returned, and requested tea for his Empress.
It was the little rumors and gestures like that, that would keep a kingdom staff full of talking for days to come.
“Your ladyship,” she bowed, leaving the tray there for now. Jessamine eventually sat on the corner of the bench, one hand still holding the rose in her palm as the other grasped the teacup gently.
When she sipped the tea and felt the brief thickness of honey on her tongue, her mind went to the memories of sick mornings, a chill or a cold plaguing her. And her mother would bring tea with a dash of honey to cure her ailment, along with a good story or song to keep her company.
She couldn’t stop following her heart. Not now. Not when it felt like it had just started to beat a rhythm she could fully control.
—
Jessamine had not shown up for dinner, as expected. Alec had not been seen either since the run in with Kaid. The guards were already spreading the rumors of how Kaid had made the heir of Vitross shiver. Some believed that nobody had ever stood up to the spoiled man before, not until Kaid got involved.
All that talk didn’t matter to Kaid, who mindlessly stabbed at his potatoes while everyone around him talked about the things they had missed. Even Mara had noticed his mind had been elsewhere, and distracted Kaid by having her son ask him plenty of questions. Kai wanted to learn how to swim, how to sail, and how to fish. The ocean would be his playground, which seemed much more appealing than golden hot sand.
Kaid couldn’t even think of sleep, sitting upright in his bed with his glasses reading. He never had the opportunity to really read the Annals of Seclusion she had gotten him for his own birthday, given the eventual chaotic collapse of Caladin. But now, he could do his best to enjoy the history of the Seclusion period, thousands of years ago.
Yet, he’d get distracted by the light from underneath the doorsill into Jessamine’s room. Every once in a while, he’d see a shadow as if she walked across, still awake and alive, almost pacing in her own room. Then, that light had turned off, Kaid only seeing black. She deserved to get some rest especially after all that had happened to this day. He knew she was crying in that garden all afternoon and that on top of her furious conversation with Vrah was enough to exhaust a woman.
Kaid closed his book shut, about ready to get some rest himself before hearing their adjointed door open. Jessamine stepped inside, wearing only a black silk nightgown and shorts to match. Her lips curved into a warm and welcoming smile on seeing him still awake.
“Sorry, I half expected you to be asleep by now. It is late,” she whispered.
“The amount of times you have caught me asleep in this bed with a book in my hands…quite embarrassing,” Kaid laughed softly, knowing he had done that numerous times. Yet in every single event, Jessamine would carefully put the book away, strip him down (if possible) and climb into bed with him.
“Not at all. There is no shame in falling asleep with something you love, even if it is a book,” Jessamine smiled, walking over to him.
“I must exchange this book with you, then,” Kaid returned the smile, placing his book on the nightstand. He was about ro remove his glasses as well before seeing Jessamine inch closer. One of her hands stroked a stray curl on the side of his face, her eyes admiring him.
“Mm, and here I thought you couldn’t get more handsome,” she sighed, moving her hands to gently remove his glasses, placing them gently on top of his book, “I accept your offer of exchange.”
Kaid opened himself up, moving towards the edge of the bed beside her, feeling her step between his hips. She wrapped her arms around his head, feeling his hot breath against her jaw as she cradled him. Just feeling his strong arms around her made her want to melt into his touch. Her lips tenderly kissed his forehead, her thoughts remembering the first time she had felt like this in his arms. On the way to the Southern Isles, confronting her decisions of the past.
Tonight, they had to confront that of the future.
But, Kaid knew the past was equally as important.
“I’m sorry about earlier today, I didn’t mean to be upset with you,” she whispered, “I am not, nor was I ever angry at you. I know you were just defending me.”
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
“Same as you defended me in that room with Vrah,” Kaid said, “I knew you were not angry, at least with me. If anything, interrupting our spat may have spared his life. I felt this close to stabbing him.”
Kaid felt ashamed to admit that. Alec had cut his arm off, yes. But Kaid had felt an even deeper rage at the secret Alec had shared with Vrah, a potential enemy of all people. Hell, even if he had shared it with a complete stranger, that violation of his lover’s privacy would be equally as infuriating.
“Perhaps you should have,” Jessamine exhaled slowly, hating she had felt that way about her brother. Her brother felt nothing more than a stranger, a dangerous one at that.
“Don’t say that,” Kaid shook his head, “your brother does care, stupidly. I know he does. Give him time. Once he warms back up to Vitross, he will warm up to you. You will get to know him, the new him, and he can get to know the real you. It will just take time. But, that’s only if he apologizes.”
“You and only you would say that about someone who hurt you, cut your hand off and betrayed me. Yet, if you can see a sliver of goodness in him, I must believe it. After all, you saw it in me,” Jessamine nodded, letting her button-like nose press to his cheek, lips placing soft kisses along his jawline.
“Your shine was far greater than your darkness, despite what you might believe,” Kaid smiled at her kisses, his hand rubbing her spine gently to comfort her, “What else is bothering you?”
Jessamine remained quiet for a moment, “I’m sure it sounds ridiculous, given all the trying times still looming ahead of us.”
“Whatever bothers you, my dear Jess, is not silly or redundant in any way. I understand if you do not wish to share, if you think I may not understand. But I am here to listen,” Kaid offered.
“Yes, you are a good listener,” Jessamine laughed softly, “only you would remember I like honey in my tea on bad days such as this.”
“How could I forget? I could never forget a single thing about you, Jessamine. My heart is a mere encyclopedia of you. Everything I learn about you, miniscule or life changing, becomes its own index of the compendium that makes up the beauty that is you,” Kaid whispered, his voice soft yet deep.
Jessamine couldn’t help but pull back, gazing into those honey brown eyes, immediately reminding her of the delicious tea he had ordered for her. His eyes dilated at seeing her own, glancing up at her slightly with that softness, that pure utter kindness in his gaze. How could she have ever thought this man hated her? There was not an ounce of hatred anywhere in his heart tonight.
Her nails gently traced his jaw, feeling the thick stubble still growing for his beard, “Did you really think I could ever hate you, Kaid? One look at you and I am desecrated, same as it was in Caladin it is now. It was as if I knew you in another life, when in reality it was that I would know you for the rest of my life. I could never forget you. I want forever with you, a life here, a life in that void of yours. I do not want a second without you.”
“Forever? That’s a long time,” Kaid smiled, getting lost in her eyes.
“And I demand the man who can control time to make it even longer,” Jessamine smiled, leaning close to kiss his lips softly. He eagerly met the kiss, stretching his neck up slightly to add some pressure to her softness.
Yet, he felt a lingering presence, a radiance of love but it was not his own. He knew what was bothering her, even if she did not explicitly explain it. Kaid could feel it in this room, sense it as he watched her cry in the gardens. Now, it felt like a true possibility as she had mentioned living in that void with him.
Don’t try it, Kaid, his mother scolded in his head, it’s too risky.
But he had to. It wasn’t just for her, but for the other soul awaiting on the other side. He knew now what Alexandria Kruzika had asked of him in that period of confused slumber.
“Jess, can I…try something?” Kaid asked softly as he pulled away.
“Oh?” she asked, a sly smirk appearing as she didn’t think the mood would strike him this late in the night. While she was tired, and thought he was as well, she wouldn’t mind ending this night in a good way.
“I…it’s nothing like that,” Kaid blushed slightly, moving to stand beside her as he rose away from the bed, “Do you trust me?”
“Of course, with my life,” she assured him, taking his right hand. The left, she held as well at his wrist, caressing his new scar.
Kaid took a deep breath, knowing this could take a superfluous amount of energy and mana perhaps he didn’t have. But he had to try. He pressed his forehead to her own, eyes closing as he focused on his attachment to the void. There was no doubt in bringing himself there, willingly, without issue or sacrifice. The true question was if he could pull her there as well. Jessamine had no idea what was going on, but mimicked his approach, closing her eyes as well.
The room was so silent, she could practically hear his racing heart.
If Jessamine could connect a portal with Bridger through their connection alone, then Kaid could do the same here. He had to believe he could, same as she had believed the impossible that day.
His eyes opened when he felt everything stop. The wind; he could not feel nor hear it. The sound of Jessamine’s breath against his was gone as well, fearing he had not been able to pull her into this timeless space with him. Yet, he glanced up to see her blue eyes radiating like indigo, reflecting off the violet, purple hues around her.
She immediately glanced around, unable to believe it. She was in this void he had spoken about. It was boundless, timeless, a space of infinite emotion and existence. The room that had been his bedroom was all cracked walls and stone, time tearing apart all physicality of their present world. Here, there was no matter, no solidity. It was the infinity of space, except the stars here were souls, bright and bleak souls on a canvass of black sky.
“It’s beautiful,” Jessamine whispered, turning back to Kaid. She noticed a shift in his expression, his posture stiffening as his gaze seemed to linger behind her. The outline of a figure shined against his now dark eyes, but still held such equal softness. When she turned to glance over her shoulder, she couldn’t believe it.
Amongst them in this beautiful void was the one thing that might be able to fill the void in the Empress’ own heart.
Alexandria Kruzika, practically in the flesh.
Jessamine froze upon staring at her own mother, unsure if she was seeing a reflection of herself or imagining this: a ghost that had haunted her since death. Surely it must just be the exhaustion, and Kaid perhaps playing tricks on her. But she glanced back at Kaid, seeing a weary smile on his face.
“Go, she awaits you,” Kaid urged her with a whisper, slowly letting go of her hands. Jessamine’s fingers shook, but not out of fear. The second Kaid let her go, she immediately turned and ran towards her mother, like a child running across the shoreline of a beach to jump into her mother’s arms.
Jessamine feared she’d run into an apparition, to fall into thin air and shatter her dreams like dust. But she immediately felt warm, pale skin against her own. Jessamine cried into her arms, tears of joy. The first real tears of joy she had felt in quite some time.
“Shh, it’s alright my love,” Alexandria shushed her, running her fingers in her hair, “Look at you, you’re as tall as me. And more beautiful than I could ever imagine.”
“You’re just as beautiful as the day you were stolen from me,” Jessamine sniffled, glancing eye level with her mother. Her mother smiled widely at her, relieved to have this moment with her even if it was only brief.
“You are so beautiful, my child. So so beautiful,” Alexandria smiled widely, “It is so good to see you. To feel you. I have watched your every move, guided your hand whenever possible. I watched you grow from a young girl into an Empress, a destiny you decided to steer and not be determined for you.”
“Then you must be ashamed at-”
“No, Jessamine. No. In order to love who you are, you must not hate yourself, nor the dreadful experiences that shaped you. It is a parent’s duty and honor to watch their child struggle, but it is a greater love when they persist. You have persisted, Jessamine. You have defied every oddity thrown at you and you continue to love. You are deserving of all the love this world can give you. I may have winced at your falls, but only because I wished to be there to bandage you together to continue to fight. Yet, you didn’t need that. You didn’t need me.”
“I saw you fight for me. In the end, you fought for me. I had to keep fighting somehow, for you, for what I wanted to be. I just…” Jessamine trailed off, feeling her mother’s fingers caress her hair still, “I just have to know. It will change nothing about the way I love you, mother. Did you spy? Was Payne right?”
Alexandria’s face grew somber, but she did not lie as she nodded, “I did. I loved your father, Jessamine. I just could not love the throne that began to corrupt him. I knew of Payne’s feelings for him, how his darkness of such pain would torment and twist truth. When I found out about Mattias, about everything you went through behind my back, in fear of your own livelihood, I knew things had to change. Lungor offered safety, for you and myself. I thought Kristoff would understand the need for space. But, your father was a very jealous man.”
“About Mattias, I should have-”
“No, no Jess don’t go there,” Alexandria hushed her, “you were just a young girl. I failed you by not protecting you. A lot of adults failed in protecting you that day. When I found out, my heart broke for you. I knew you felt ashamed, that you thought I’d look at you differently. There is nothing you have done, nothing you could do, that changes the fact that you’re my little girl. My little girl, who is Empress of Vitross.”
Jessamine’s dimples permanently stuck to her skin at her words.
“I love you,” Jessamine whispered, seeing her own mother smile, “I wish you were here.”
“I am here,” Alexandria whispered, “I’ll always be here. You’ve kept me in your heart all this time, and there I will always remain.”
Jessamine held her tightly once more, closing her eyes tightly, “I didn’t realize I was homesick for arms I thought could never hold me again.”
“You asked earlier if you made the right decision,” her mother smiled, kissing her forehead, “I think you know the answer to that. I am very proud of you, Jessamine.”
Those words made her melt, smiling further into the embrace. It wasn’t just this brief moment of reuniting, it was also the remembrance of the man that had made this possible. The man who stretched truth and time together to make this happen, to weave it all together even if just momentarily. Jessamine pulled away from the embrace slowly, taking one firm moment to remember her mother’s gaze. There were plenty of days she’d forget the sound of her voice, or the look in her dark ocean eyes.
Now, it would be forever engrained.
“There’s someone I would like you to meet,” Jessamine whispered nervously, glancing behind her. Yet there was nothing but black shadows, as if they were in their own private dome of silence. Kaid was nowhere to be found, but Jessamine could still feel his presence nearby.
“He wanted to give us privacy. There are plenty of souls here that search for him, and no doubt would search for you if they knew you were here,” Alexandria clarified, “he is protecting you.”
“He’s always protecting me,” Jessamine mused, smiling to herself about that, “I think you’d like him.”
“I do, I do like him. He is good for you,” her mother agreed, “he was very polite when we spoke.”
“You…you two spoke?” Jessamine asked, wondering why Kaid didn’t say that.
“Well, I don’t think he quite remembers it. I caught him in a feverish sleep, recovering from his injury. It was the only time I found an opening to speak with him. His mother protects him well here,” she answered, “he may have nervously bowed to me, not knowing how to respond.”
Jessamine laughed at that, her cheeks sore from the joy in her own smile, “That sounds like something he’d do.”
“He is a good man. You chose well.”
“As if I had any choice. The entire thing was Payne’s idea and I pushed it off until we had no other options. The moment I saw him, I just knew. All the violence he had faced, caused, all committed against him…yet he remained so gentle. I knew. I knew I could love him. I knew again in that cave, hearing his voice, thinking he must have hated me. His love is as boundless, limitless as this very void,” Jessamine swallowed her emotions, “where else could you find a man, who’d reverse time to save you, who’d bridge the space between reality and death to reunite with a loved one?”
“A man who does those things out of love not only speaks for him, but also the woman he loves,” her mother squeezed her hand, before feeling a shift, “Jessamine, there isn’t much time. Your brother, know that he does love you but his heart-”
“What? Alec?”
You’re too late. You’re too late. You’re too late. You’re too late. You’re too late. You’re too late.
Jessamine heard the murmured voice, muffled almost by the dark shadows encompassing her and her mother. The voice felt right outside their sphere of silence, as if talking right to Kaid. When Jessamine looked back at her mother, she only saw a look of dread in her eyes.
“I love you,” Alexandria assured her, “Never forget who you are, Jessamine, never forget what made you.”
You’re too late.
When Jessamine blinked, the world was back to as it should be. She could feel the wetness under her eyes from the tears of joy. The fading embrace from her mother felt like a shroud. Whether it was a cloth that would shield her from death, or cover her in it, she wasn’t sure. Fear spread to her spine deeper than any winter wind chill.
Her eyes moved up to Kaid, still in front of her and holding her hand. There was a heavy tiredness in his eyes, on the verge of lidding and closing. His body lost its strong stance, his one hand leaving hers to brace himself on the edge of the bed. Jessamine quickly moved to steady him.
“Sit, now,” she whispered with worry, seeing the sweat dripping from his forehead.
“I’m sorry, Jessamine. I couldn’t hold on long enough. I lost all my strength,” Kaid profusely apologized, genuine sorrow in his eyes he couldn’t give her more time.
“Don’t you dare apologize,” Jessamine cupped his face with her hands, “You wonderful man, don’t ever apologize for what you just did. You gave me something not even the Divines themselves could deliver. Thank you. Thank you, Kaid.”
Jessamine held him tightly, forever grateful to have him in her life. She was merely grateful for his existence. The only thing her Lungorian enemy had done right was assist in the creation of this beautiful man.
“You don’t need to thank-” Kaid was silenced by a fervent, passionate kiss from her, feeling her fingers thread gently into his curls. His fingers moved to touch her face, feeling the remnants of her tears. Kaid was surprised she had much water left to give to her emotions.
“They were happy tears,” she assured him, whispering against his lips. When she pulled away, she could see the exhaustion in his eyes still. “Lay down. Rest. I’ll be right back.”
Kaid followed her orders, eager to hear what the two had spoken about. But his eagerness did not outweigh his tiredness. Jessamine returned with a cold, damp cloth for the sweat on his forehead, his eyes closed as he began to linger into an exhaustion filled sleep. It was not long until she heard those soft, comforting snores of his. Just the sound made her smile.
Never forget who you are, Jessamine, never forget what made you.
Ocean waves were most dangerous at that peak of their swell, at the climax to turn their resolve into a passionate crash against rocky shores. In order to crash, she had to let go. She had let go. But letting go didn’t mean forgetting, it meant complete surrender to the embrace of life around her. Jessamine knew at this moment, on this day, she had met the beginning of her peak. It was up to her where to go from here, and she knew exactly what direction to take.
“I won’t forget,” Jessamine whispered, letting her fingers caress Kaid to a peaceful sleep, “I won’t let them forget either…”