Back then, I didn’t really understand color. No, I couldn’t understand, because the whole world before my eyes was stained in a perpetual filter of black and white.

Complete Achromatopsia is what those fancy doctors called it. You ever watch an old silent movie? That’s what it was like for me my entire life, only I didn’t realize movies weren’t supposed to be like that until I got locked in the basement by mom for being a defect. I didn’t realize that everyone saw something different from me until my kindergarten teacher told me to find the ‘red apple’.

Red. Blue. Yellow. What are they? What do they mean? Nobody really had a clear answer for me. To some, it was a feeling. To others, it was just a natural part of life.

Papaw told me that red was his favorite color, because it was the color of passion. Of desire. Of the will to chase after your dreams no matter how much the world scolded you otherwise. To him, red was a symbol for the dreams still waiting to be fulfilled inside him.

I didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand. I wanted to, so, so badly, but no matter how much I tried to wrack my brain for this alien concept called ‘color’, the more I just became frustrated with myself. Frustrated that I was different, that I wasn’t normal.

That I was an emotionless doll that couldn’t truly empathize with anyone around me. Since I couldn’t see color, I couldn’t feel the emotions associated with them. That’s what I thought, what I believed, what I told myself over and over again in the hopes that I would finally be able to connect with someone if I could just see any, any, color except for black or white. On that day, I would finally be able to hold my head high and be just like everyone else.

But it didn’t come. Year after year I waited, but my vision stayed the same. I buried myself in music and movies and all kinds of online stuff and trends so I could understand what it meant to live as a human, but it didn’t change a thing. I was still empty. I was still abnormal.

Heh, well, even though I couldn’t understand it, I did get really good at one thing: Acting. I put on a rootin’ tootin’ smile and bellowed out song lyrics like I was right on stage for the whole world to see.

But it wasn’t real. I only did it to appease my parents.

Still, it was a useful skill to have. I never got harassed for being a weirdo when I entered middle school. On the contrary, I was quite the prima-donna amongst my fellow classmates. Every day I’d hang out with some new group and be invited to all kinds of ‘fun’ stuff and activities like bowling or snowboarding or even just eating out at a restaurant.

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But it wasn’t real. I never felt a thing.

So what did I do? Nothing. I gave up. This was my life now, and I was going to deal with it. Because even though I couldn’t really count that meaningless existence as living, I didn’t want to die. I wanted to stay alive in this monochrome world, for the other alternative would be to face an eternity of true emptiness.

“Apples are red.” But aren’t there green apples, too? Eh, no one really ever mentions it, so it’s fine.

“The daytime sky is blue.” Oh, what wonderful weather we’re having today! It’s a beautiful blue sky up there isn’t it? Yes, it’s really pretty indeed Ms. Sue Doughnim.

“The sunflowers are yellow.” Poppy seeds and banana on rye. Yellow mush and everything’s alright.

Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha.

…Do you know what Wonderland is, partner? It’s a story about a little girl named Alice who goes on a magical adventure after chasing after a white rabbit. There, she embarks on a journey where she discovers her true self and the fun to be had away from the waking world.

I wanted to go to Wonderland. I wanted to meet the red queen. But how were you supposed to even get there? No luck, I’m afraid. I kept searching all around our yard for even the finest of entryways, but nope. Reality had been as it always was: disappointing.

Who would I have even been if I were to go to wonderland? Certainly not Alice, for she’s a bubbly and bright girl.

No, I think I would prefer to be the mad hatter. He’s simply someone who enjoys every second of life they have without any worries. I thought that was cool, to never have to care about anyone else or what they thought of you. It sounded like heaven.

And so, some days, I’d just go out onto our backyard and hope for a comet or something to pass by so I could wish myself into that paradise called Wonderland.

It didn’t matter if it was hot.

It didn’t matter if it was cold.

It didn’t matter if I was being constantly eaten alive by the bugs and filthy critters around me.

I’d look up at the black and white sky. No sound. No thoughts. Just enjoying the moment. It was calming, in a way. I felt at peace whenever I went outside.

Until the day finally came. I don’t really remember much about what I was doing, but I only remember gasping out in surprise. In wonder. In complete, utter joy.

Because way up there, amidst the monochrome night, I saw a star.

And it was red. I-It was red. I couldn’t even comprehend what red even was before, but at that moment I knew for certain that the mysterious thing before me was truly the color Red.

I cried. I bloomed. I assimilated.

The star asked me for my wish. I answered. And then, I became Red. I would be red for all of eternity.

Just red.

Oh dear, these red little tea cakes taste quite odd. Are you sure this is fresh, Ms. Sue Doughnim?

No, no, I’m not blaming you for anything. It’s just… a peculiar taste, is all. It’s chewy and bitter and bloody? Blood. Yes, that’s the taste. There’s blood in these tea cakes. Oh that mad hatter~ ever the trickster aren’t they?

Hm? What’s that? These aren’t tea cakes?

Yes, yes I suppose you’re right. These aren’t tea cakes at all.

They’re intestines. Red. Red. And Red.

Sorry Jasmine rice, I couldn’t help myself. You just taste too good.