I like animals. Who doesn’t like animals? Big ones, small ones, fluffy ones, fleshy ones, ones with claws, scary ones, ones with red drool… I just think they’re all pretty neat.

I used to have a hamster and a rabbit. I called the hamster Mr. Fatcheeks and… well, Ms. Sue Doughnim doesn’t need any introduction.

Mr. Fatcheeks was a brave lad. I heard hamsters were a pretty meek bunch, but Mr. Fatcheeks was nothing like that. He was brave and strong and always going round and round on that wheel of his.

Then Ms. Sue Doughnim ate him. I forgot to close her cage and she just tore Mr. Fatcheeks to shreds. When she was done with him, there was nothing left but a big fat puddle of red and a white fluffball full of satisfaction.

I don’t really blame Ms. Sue Doughnim for his death. Animals be doing what animals be doing: the hunter be the hunter and the prey be the prey. That’s just how the world works, mon ami. The food chain is brutal.

Not gonna lie, though… the food chain is kinda wack these days. Ever since the red, even the animals have become a bit weird. I saw a little rat once swallow a cat whole. Just CHOMP and the orange tabbey was severed from this mortal coil. I squished the rat in retaliation because I like cats and I was really sad, but yeah. Weird.

Dogs are still cute though. I want to get a blue dog as my Rocinante, so now we’re here at the pet store! Too bad the whole place is in a mess… geez, do the workers here even do their job? Come on guys, I know you probably get paid minimum wage and are stuck in a dead end job with no hope for the future or any possibility of career advancement so you’re all brooding in depression and hatred at the world for your own failures you refuse to acknowledge is the cause of your own doing, but come on! Not even a sweep?

Pfft, lazy sacks of red. I should complain to their manager if I ever see another living being that’s not cuckoo cuckoo crazy.

Are there even any dogs here? I dun see nothing. Not even any birds! What kind of pet store doesn’t even have any pets? I’ve been scammed! Hoodwinked! Swindled like some caucasian granny after getting a call from a Nigerian prince! I’m so mad. I’m boiling with anger—

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Uh oh. There’s something over there.

It’s a black cat. I think I’m in trouble.

Wait… aren’t some cats naturally black? Yeah, that’s right! Just because it’s black doesn’t mean it’s infected with black. It could just be a nice kitty—

Aaaand it has two heads. Yep. Welp, gotta get outa here. Listen here, pardner: I know my fair share of animal biology, and I ain’t never heard of no cats with two heads. Three heads? It’d be a hydra and that would make sense. Two heads? Oof.

Let’s just… tiptoe tiptoe. I don’t think it hears me. Gotta skedaddle away all quiet like, y’know? Hey, I’m actually kinda good at this thing!

Well, I would be if I didn’t just knock over a bag of cat food.

Shit. I think I’m allowed to swear just this one instance.

M̶̧̛̛̤̗̭͉͓̻̱̤̯͍̫̫̳̖̺̙͉̘̟̰̀̎̂͒̀̈́͑̈́̽́͛̆̊̐̆͆͋̚͝E̸̻̤̭̮̦̻̦̙̝̜͖̯̺̗̓̂̓̈́̋̅͐̈́̇́̎̉̒̅̕̕͘͝ͅȨ̵̦̭̖̰̳̖̮͋́̏̀̊̉̂͆̈́͌̓̑̀͒͐̐́͗̚͝E̶̢̪̫̥̙̻̜̟̬̹̮̙̣͚̓̾̍̓̓̈́̿͒̿̒̋Ȩ̷̧̛̳̪̤̲̯̟̬̺͖͒̓̎̒̽̃̎͛̀͆Ę̶͍͔̜͉̦͓̥̪͉̻̰͎̻͎̣̘̙̲͗͆̿̈́͋̓̋̀͌̀͌͘͝O̵̧̡̢͔͚̝̞͔̻͎̜͉͍̣͍̩̟̣̥̙̜͕̳͆́̑̇̄͗̕͜͝͝ͅǪ̶̹͎̩̗̻̙͖̬̟̰̥̣̹̥̳̫͈̜̀̑́̔̇́̂̌̆́̓͑̓͛̉̕͘̚͠Ơ̵̡̢͉͉͕͇̗͙̹̙̣͈̳̜̖̤̬̫͈̫͖͒̽́̎̄̏̊͘͝Ò̸̧̲͇̒͗̄̍͝Ơ̶̧̜̪͚͎͙̞̫͎̜̤͒̍̆̾̒͗̋̏̂̋͆̓͌̈́͆̕̚͘Ó̷̡̧̨̡͉̣̪̤̝͚͉̞̠̺̯͎̮̪̅͒̔̊̓̾͝ͅO̴͍̦̲͎̼̺̦̮͚͓̞͖̖̮͖̍͋͂̓̆̄͗̎̍͐͐͐͂͜͜͝O̴̳̗̫̰͚̊́͋O̸̻̦͚̖͓̙͉͈͊̑̋̎̈́̾̾͆̀͗͜͝ͅW̸̧̛̘̰̩̲̰̤͎̹͚̳̗͍͎̞͚̣͔͎͇̼̻̿ͅW̷̨̧̛̮̼͆̓̌̿͆͗̉̎̍̀̈́̏͌͌̅͂̔̚W̴̡̢̛̰͓̮͉̭̱̩͖̘̖͈̃͌̅̏̀̈͛͊͋̑̅͂̈́̚͘̕͝W̶̡̢̡̢̢̢̳̲̬̙̘̖͇̪̙̫̩͔̖̘̪̘̥̽͛͛͜W̵̡̙̲͐Ẅ̸̡̛̠̺͉͕͖͉͓̘̤̜͔̻͈͇̟͈̪̲́̒̀͌̑̉͛̐̆͆̈́̿̈́͌̚̕͜ͅ

Ok, yep. We’re running now. Running running RUNNING RUUUUUUNNNNNIIIINNNG AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

THE CAT IS NOT FRIENDLY I REPEAT THE CAT IS NOT FRIENDLY OOOOOOOOH MAAAAMAAAAAAAA!

CRASH BLAM SKOOSH WAPOW BRRRRRRR WEWOOWEWOOWEWOOWEWOO

I’ve been standing here my whole life

Everything I’ve seen twice

Now it’s time I realized

It’s spinning back around now

On this road I’m crawlin’

Save me cause I’m fallin’

Now I can’t seem to breathe right

Cause I keep runnin’ runnin’ runnin’ runnin’

RUNNIN’ RUNNIN’ RUNNIN’ RUNNIN’

RUNNIN’ FROM MY HEEEAAAAAARRRRRT OH CRAP HELP THIS LITTLE LADY CAN’T RUN ANYMORE!

Y’know, friendo… I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Sure, I may have been only on this earth for fourteen or so odd years, but that’s still a lot!

I have dreams. I don’t remember what they are, but I have dreams. Getting torn apart like a Sunday roast at your local buffet though? Not really how I imagined it’d all end.

Wow, the cat sure does have nice teeth. I hope that black drool doesn’t infect me though. Last thing I’d want is to rise from the grave all black-like. I’m not an adulterer! As much as I cruddin’ hate this red inside me, I believe in a healthy, non-toxic relationship. I—

Huh. I’m not dead? I’m not dead! T-The black cat is gone. What the heck? It just sorta disappeared.

Oh. Oh I see.

It’s the blue dog. The blue dog saved me. The blue dog obliterated it in a giant beam of blue.

ARF (づ ◕‿◕ )づ

G-good pupper… very good pupper…

From now on, I dub thee Rocinante the Second!