I am the serpent—the devil for whom all fear and loathe! And as my first order of pure, pitch-black evil…

I’ll steal from this here gas station! What shall I steal, you ask? Why, gas of course! Because gas is black. I’m pretty sure evil likes black, and I’m evil right now, so I’m gonna slurp up that gas like no tomorrow!

Wait wait wait… but God is black. So wouldn’t evil be white? Dis here’s quite the conundrum pardner. To black or not to black: That is the question.

I mean, it’s not like God is evil, right? That can’t be right. Why would there be so many sunday school teachers if God is evil? Nah, I think society just got it all wrong and white’s actually the real evil. All my fellas hate white! Worst thing to grace humanity.

But man, I dun wanna make this pit-stop all for nothin’, you know? Guess I’ll steal something else instead of chowing down gas. It’s for the better anyway; my tummy’s already full from the Holy Spirit.

Now, here in the good ol’ Midwest, gas stations are a magical place, pardner. It ain’t nothin like those seedy backlot hoedown crackhouses where you can find lot lizards and no good hussies all over the place. No no no, our gas chuggers are clean as heck yesiree. Chicken? They’ve got chicken. Hot dogs? You betcha. Heck, I went inside one once with papaw and they were selling fresh bananas. Bananas! And if you know bananas, you know those suckers go brown faster than a mudfish on a rainy day.

But that’s not what I’m here for, mon ami (well they wouldn’t have it anyway because the red people probably ate them all). I’m hankerin’ for a little special something… papery.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

That’s right: We’re gonna be stealing some lottery tickets!

Every gas station has lottery tickets, and wouldn’t you know it? There’s no mean ol’ misers to stop me from stealing the whole bunch! Hehe, I’ll be one rich little girl in no time!

Lemme just scratch them off real quick…

Huh? Why’re the numbers all red? Aw confound it, even the tickets are infected with the red now? This sucks. I don’t care anymore. What’s the point of winning if it means depending on those red scoundrels.

Life sucks. This whole world’s against me. I’m just a little big riding along the cosmic waves of amusement. Bleh.

Rocinante~ I need a hug, you cute pupper. Lemme have some comfort.

Woof (づ ◕‿◕ )づ

You’re the only one for me~ Good boy, very good boy! I don’t even mind that you have like three tails and your teeth are all big and jagged and scary looking. You’re the bestest of boys.

Wag ((유∀유|||))

I hope those straggly (scrumpaloos?) no, Stragglers! Yeah, Stragglers like pets. If they don’t let me in with Rocinante then I’ll sock them all with a fist full o’ pixie dust.

I haven’t seen another person not all colored in years. Wait, was it years? It might’ve been months. Or days. Weeks? Time’s been all funky for a while. Sometimes today is yesterday, and yesterday is three days into the future. Or I’ll be doin’ something right now, but I don’t see it happen until my sixth birthday. Am I rambling? I’m rambling. But I won’t be. I will yesterday. It’s already all foretold. I’m just waiting for it to all pass.

Guess you’re ready cause I’m waiting for you

It’s gonna be so exciting

Got this feeling really deep in my soul

Let’s get out, I wanna go, come along, get it on

Gonna take my car (gonna sit in)

Gonna drive along (‘til I get you)

Cause I’m crazy, hot and ready, but you like it

I wanna race for you~ (shall I go now?)

GAS GAS GAS

IM GONNA SLURP ALL THE GASS

Tonight, I’ll fly! (And be all redder)

Yeah yeah yeah

I’ll be so quick as a flash

And be a winner~

Huh. Y’know what? You’re not so bad tastin’ after all, gas. Got a little bit of an oily aftertaste, but not bad at all. Fills ya right up.

7/10