It was an odd sensation, one that was difficult to describe. If I had to, I think I could only say how it physically felt. My entire body, right down to my core, felt fuzzy; like everything that should have been solid was instead made of cotton. I didn’t know what to think about that, but then another revelation hit me.
Wait, I'm... I’m thinking? I’m still capable of thought?
My assumption was that there would be nothing, and I wouldn’t even realize it. A cessation of self in the truest sense. There very fact that I could think, and even feel to a certain extent could only mean one thing.
Did part of my soul survive? Or did...
My thoughts were interrupted with everything around me seemed to shift slightly, drawing attention to the fact that I wasn’t just in the void of my own thoughts. Now that I was paying attention to it, this place felt familiar, which in turn caused me to become aware of another thing. There was a sound, slightly distant, but rhythmic in its rise and fall. It sounded like heavy breathing.
I looked around, peering into the dark in search of the source. While scanning slowly in a circle, I eventually saw some slight discoloration in the black. It was small, likely a fair distance away, which made it more confusing as to why I could hear it so clearly.
With a target identified, I began to walk in that direction. The odd softness of my body made it feel like I was attempting to walk inside of a bounce house. It may have been fun to attempt to jump, but I had more pressing concerns right now.
The source of this noise turned out to be a figure, and that figure was recognizable. It was the goddess's puppet, seemingly reclined on an invisible couch. The source of that heavy breathing was coming from her, as her chest rose and fell quite frequently, like she had just finished running a marathon.
I couldn’t help but question why she was doing so. I mean, she was formless, and this thing was just a puppet, so the breathing was basically theatrics. My questions only grew when I stood in front of her, and she didn’t react to my presence at all. Looking around, nothing else appeared to be happening, and considering that this place was completely under her control, that meant that I was supposed to be here.
For the next few minutes, I stood there awkwardly, listening to her feign breathing. Shuffling a bit, I ventured an attempt at speaking. “Uhm-”
Her hand suddenly shot out; pointer finger extended straight at my face as the appendage stopped only inches away. That surprised me, and I leaned back to create distance between me and her hand. She held the pose for a few seconds before retracting her hand, finger still straight as she brought it in front of her lips. Then, she made a drawn out and hissing shush sound before speaking the first words of our interaction thus far.
“I don’t want to hear a single word out of your mouth right now.” Her hand returned to a resting position as silence once more reigned.
I didn’t know how literal she was being with that command, but as the seconds dragged on into minutes with nothing happening, I tried again. “I-”
“NOT, one word!” The sudden and sharp increase in volume from her made me jump. She sat up, rising from the invisible couch to stand before me. I swore that she was taller than the last time we talked. She walked right up to me, so we were talking face to... well, partial face.
“You know, when I said, ‘never again’, I didn’t mean, ‘oh, just one more time’ or ‘but I really have to.’ I said, never! What part of ‘don’t do it your soul might die’ did you not understand!? I almost decided to not even attempt to fix you, that’s how much of pain in the ass it was looking to be, but I guess I’m a glutton for punishment because here we fucking are!”
She threw her hands out in exasperation as she began to pace in circles in front of me, continuing to rant and rave all the while. “I don’t even think you could possibly comprehend the level of difficulty patching your soul up entailed because the words to describe it just don’t fucking exist! But I’m going to try and explain it anyway just so your tiny little brain can see even the smallest fraction of the shit storm you threw my way.”
“The process itself, that is gathering the tiny fragments of your soul out of whatever corner of the ether they were thrown into, was like trying to pick sand out of a bowl of rice using only tweezers while on a time limit! Yeah, it wasn’t just a matter of extreme precision, but speed as well. Those piddly little bits of yourself were so fragile that the universe was just itching to consume them because it doesn’t give a shit about you. You’re just a source of energy that it would have been more than happy to absorb into something else.”
“For fucks sake, the amount of energy I had to expend, not only on the task itself, but holding back the cosmic forces of the universe so they didn’t sweep you up was unbelievable! I could have created a star, a fucking star, out of a fart cloud and banging two rocks together to ignite it with the power I just expended on you! And guess what? This whole explanation I’ve been giving you is the dumbed down version so your pathetic little meat sack of a brain can even remotely understand.”
“I am a hundred and ten percent done with your bullshit. As of this moment you have lost your bitching privileges. If you so much as even think another ‘fuck you’ in my direction, I will smite your ass into next week! That is not a threat, that is a promise! Oh, and if you even brush up against that power again, I’m not even going to bother. I’m going to go out and get high off the cosmic dust of a dying star and forget you even exist. Does that compute with your stupid monkey brain!?”
Her tirade finally came to an end, and I was frankly stunned into silence for a solid minute. Wherever her eyes were, I could feel them burrowing into me with an intensity that just screamed ‘try me bitch.’ You’d think that having a goddess pissed off specifically at you would make one feel afraid. It was certainly uncomfortable, and I would have preferred not to be beneath her withering gaze, but even so I did not feel as if I was in active danger.
Still, it would do no good to antagonize or annoy her. If what she said was true, and I had no reason to believe that it wasn’t, then I seemingly owed her quite a bit for all the work she put in. With that in mind, I swallowed what bit of pride I still had in this situation and bowed my head to her.
“Thank you for saving me.” It was all that I could say, and all that needed to be said. She saved me, from more than just death. It was the pure and simple fact of the matter.
The silence returned, and all the while I maintained the awkward bent position. Her puppet not having eyes was really throwing me off. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking or feeling right now as her mouth was firmly shut in a neutral line. She had to be doing it on purpose just to make me sweat a bit more.
Finally, the silence ended when she sighed and took a few steps back before collapsing into another invisible chair. Her right hand was propped up on the arm of the chair and cradled her head in a physical display of weariness. For not truly possessing a body, she certainly knew how to emote with one.
I straightened myself out, waiting to see what would come next. She rubbed her hand along her hooded head in a massaging manner. Can she actually feel things with that puppet or is this just more theatrics? She didn’t seem to feel it when I punched her the last time.
After a moment her hand came down, and she leaned back into the seat, spine erect. “I am certain that you understand the situation as well as the position you currently find yourself in, yes?”
I opened my mouth to reply but hesitated to speak. “Uhm...” The last two times I tried to say anything she shut me down before I could so much as get more than an utterance out. She saw my hesitation and let out another sigh, her shoulders sagging somewhat as she did.
“You can speak now; I got it out of my system.” Her head rolled back until seemingly colliding with the invisible chair behind her. “This whole situation has just been one headache after the next. Family can really complicate things sometimes.”
Oh yeah, that was another thing. “Did you find out who was pulling strings behind the scenes?” I asked, finally finding my voice.
“Well... Yes, but it turned out to be far more complicated than I imagined. After I started paying more attention to them, it quickly became obvious that my daughter, Thiria, was manipulating people’s dreams at night to push them toward the idea of war by playing at their weaknesses. Ego, vanity, fear, any flaw that would allow her indirect leverage over their decisions. When I confronted her about it, she claimed that it was because she thought the other races were ugly and wanted to replace or get rid of them. It was such a transparently superficial excuse that I couldn’t help but notice that she was hiding the real reason, and when I pressed her, things got difficult.”
The tone in her voice changed, carrying a hint of sadness, and even shame as she continued. “She... actually, they all wanted my attention. Thiria may have started the plan by herself, but Valial caught on soon after as talk of war was firmly within his chosen domain of influence. After he tracked the source of it back to Thiria, he got her to spill her plan, and decided he wouldn’t interfere. Alcrith found out next after he caught his siblings conspiring with one another. The only one really out of the loop was Cathor as the other three actively hid it from him.”
She chuckled, but the sound was bereft of any mirth. “Cathor was always one to follow the rules. I guess the others knew that if he found out then he would come straight to me. I’m just a bit sad that his dutifulness saw him excluded by his siblings, even if when asked he admitted to harboring the same desires as them.”
They wanted her attention? I was frustrated by the idea that this whole war was started over something so stupidly simple, but as I thought about it, a concerning revelation hit me.
“Hold on, after you made the mistake of making them perfect, did you stop interacting with them completely?”
She seemed a little flustered when she replied to that. “N-no, of course not! I still check in with them every couple of centuries to-”
The whiplash I received from hearing that sent my head spinning. “Every couple of centuries!?” I asked in disbelief. “Holy shit! I would be starved for attention too if I was in their position.”
“Hey, we don’t age in the same way as any of the other races! A few centuries aren’t even considered a fraction of our lifespans.”
“That’s...” I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. “That’s hardly what matters here. You still perceive time the same way everyone else does, right? It doesn’t matter if it’s the equivalent of even a single month in your overall lifespan, it’s still a ridiculous amount of time to go between contact with your children. What the hell are you even thinking basically ignoring them for that long?” Honestly, I had no idea how this goddess, who was probably hundreds of thousands of years old, if not more, could be so ignorant of the needs of her own children.
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What I didn’t expect was for her posture to fold as her shoulders slumped. All of a sudden, she looked positively meek. “The last time I got involved in their lives I not only denied them their own will but robbed them of their individuality. They became aware of my mistake once I freed them from those constraints, and I thought that they would resent me for it, so I decided to distance myself, let them enjoy their freedoms without fear that I might take it away again. I was content to watch them grow and see their triumph and failing from afar, only intervening when needed or requested. I never expected that they would want me to be a part of their lives after that.”
It was rather sad to see, and hear, the situation between them. I guess families are always susceptible to these sorts of problems, no matter their origin. The fact that this was what started a whole war still pissed me off, but then again, I wasn’t very surprised by it. Many a history book had wars started by and in the name of gods.
With a defeated sigh, I decided to just do what I could now to prevent this from ever happening again. “Look, I’m not a family counselor, nor am I a personal therapist, but what you are currently doing is not working. Your kids have made it abundantly clear that they want you to be more involved in their lives.”
“I don’t...”
I raised my hand to politely interrupt her before she started. “I understand that you don’t want to interfere with how they live their lives, but there is a difference between giving your kids the freedom to choose, and neglect. You don’t have to immediately change to having a conversation with them every other week, but at least check in with them once a year from now on. Maybe you can make a whole day of it? Just sit down with all of them together as a family and talk about what you’ve been up to.”
She remained quiet for a minute, deep in contemplation. “Perhaps you are right,” she finally said. “And perhaps I have simply been worried that they might become... afraid of me if I tried to get too close. At what point does advice become decree when you are the one who holds all the power? My mistake has hung over me like a black cloud since the day I created them.”
“And yet they went through all of this, risked your anger and frustration of all things just for even a few moments of attention from you. You’re their mother, and your children need you. Besides, you basically said it yourself, but are you really free if you aren’t allowed to make mistakes?”
The way her body straightened clearly showed surprise that I would bring her own reasoning back around and use it on her. She let out a chuckle, and this one felt a little livelier than the last.
“Well said. Very well then. I will speak with my children more often now, and hopefully we can all put the past behind us.”
“I hope that means your daughter won’t be causing any more problems for us mere mortals from this point forward,” I said with just enough humor that I wasn’t being outwardly hostile.
“Oh, she’s definitely grounded for the next millennium, and the others won’t be getting off so easily either.”
“That’s good. I’d hate for all my work to be undone the next time one of your children decides to have a tantrum.”
“Indeed. It will be a lot of work to make up for my mistakes, both those I’ve imagined, and those I’ve inadvertently created. Speaking of, I think it’s about time for you to head back down. There’s quite a mess that needs cleaning.”
I huffed with amusement. “You make it sound so appealing.”
“Well, I’m certain there’s at least one aspect of returning that will always have you crawling back for more. So, monkey brain...” She propped her elbow up on the arm of the invisible chair and rested her head on her knuckles in an eerily familiar fashion. “Get the fuck out.”
Oh for fu- My stomach lurched as she dropped me, yet again, into the void beneath us. At least I saw it coming this time, so it didn’t hit nearly as hard. It was still disorientating as fuck though as I spun in freefall, unable to tell which way was up. The only thing I could do was endure it as I felt myself slowly begin to stabilize in my free fall until my consciousness began to wane.
It felt like taking a long blink when you’re exhausted. Your eyes just refuse to open without the extra effort needed to drag the lids up. I still felt slightly soft, but with every passing moment solidity returned to my state of being alongside sensations beyond myself. The softness I felt wasn’t just from my body, but it was what I was laying on as I could feel that my back was sunk into what was most likely a bed. That was fine, but there was a lot of pressure being put on my front as something large was seemingly on top of me.
I felt awake enough to try to open my eyes, and once I did, I found exactly what, or who, was on top of me. Kala was asleep on my chest, practically straddling my whole body like a second blanket. Seeing her face again, my heart leapt with joy. I could feel the rise and fall of her breathing as well as the gentle thump of her heart as she was pressed against me.
Maybe she felt me move, or perhaps she could just sense that I was now awake, but she began to stir. A moment later, her eyes opened, and when her gaze met mine, she gasped and sat up quickly, perched atop me. She stared down at me, breathing irregularly and eyes wide. The look on her face was a combination of different emotions that appeared in brief flashes before being replaced by another almost immediately.
I ventured a soft smile as I attempted to speak. “Hey Kal-”
She slapped me hard on the right side of my face. My head was knocked to the side as a stinging pain spread across that half of my face. The sudden aggression left me stunned for a moment, and that was before she dropped on top of me and began to almost viciously nuzzle into the crook of my neck.
The abrupt shift from attacking me to affection left my already foggy head in a spin. Her breaths came in shuddering heaves as she seemed to be checking every part of my body as if something might be missing. I realized that she must have been extremely stressed while I was gone. My choice to forcefully remove her from the equation back then was one that I knew that she would take umbrage with, but if it meant keeping her alive I would do it again in a heartbeat. Now, though, I would have to make it up to her.
To start, I gently placed my hands on her back, rubbing over her smooth scales softly to begin my apology. “I’m sorr-”
She pushed off me and then slapped me on the left side of my face this time. I blinked away the stars in my vision, completely bewildered. Kala looked like she was trying to be angry at me yet couldn’t hide the relief that was fighting for control of her expressions. I smiled softly at her, reaching up to cup the side of her face. She leaned heavily into my touch, eyes starting to fill with moisture.
“Fair enough,” I said as I pulled her into a kiss. She closed her eyes as the tension melted from her body. We held the kiss for a while, and every time I even thought about pulling back, she would press forward a bit firmer until she was completely satisfied.
When we finally separated, she collapsed onto my chest again before saying the first words since I awoke. “Don’t you dare do that to me again.”
“Never,” I replied softly as she relaxed into my embrace.
We stayed in bed for quite a while. My body was still waking up, and Kala seemed nearly desperate for physical contact with me. The way she clung to me brought up a question that I needed to ask.
“How long was I gone?”
She lifted her head just enough to look me in the eyes, and I saw pain in them. “Ten days, and I thought I would never see you again after the fourth had passed.”
Ten days... It was all a blink of the eye to me, and my mind struggled to grasp that so much time had passed. What I did understand was that Kala had been distraught after I... I exploded, didn’t I? That made me a little queasy thinking about it, so I focused instead on Kala.
I gave her a slightly firmer hug. “I’m sorry for putting you through that, but Alathos didn’t give me much of a choice. I couldn’t let him hurt you, or anyone else, anymore.”
She sighed heavily and nuzzled into my chest. “At least he’s gone now, and the war is coming to an end with his death. We don’t have to fight anymore.”
“I certainly hope that’s the case. Still, just because we don’t have to fight, doesn’t mean that we are at peace. There will be people who won’t accept a change of rule, not to mention that those who do go along with it need to have a serious change in their lifestyles.”
Kala groaned and thumped her head against my chest. “I find it hard to be happy about having some aspects of you back. You’d think that after bringing an end to a war that’s been going on for decades that you would just take the gods damned win and stop being a pessimist!”
That made me chuckle a bit even though she called me out. “Well, you know me, ever the realist.”
“Pessimist,” she immediately countered.
We devolved into soft laughter for a few seconds, the levity making me feel more relaxed than I’d been in a while. I was loath to end this private moment together, but I had many questions that still needed answering, and many more people to talk to. As I sat up, Kala complained with a few groans and tried to convince me to stay in bed a while longer.
“Can’t stay in bed all day, Kala. Besides, I probably have many more conversations that I need to have, and not a lot of hours in the day.”
She begrudgingly accepted my reasoning and allowed me to get up and get dressed. I was provided with a brand-new set of clothes, fresh from the castle stores. The bed they put me in was somewhere inside the main keep; one of the many rooms that could house guests.
Stepping outside, I stopped dead in my tracks with surprise as I saw that my entire friend group was situated in the hallway. They were sitting down on various pieces of still intact furniture that ranged from making them appear as adults sitting on preschool chairs in the case of Hargon, or children with their legs dangling in the air like Velian.
All of them rose simultaneously as they saw me standing in the doorway, and my vision was suddenly filled with a bunch of friendly and relieved faces. I smiled widely as they welcomed me back until I noticed that Otar was not as happy as everyone else. He stood towering in front of me, expression forced into a neutral state which concerned me.
Without warning, he cocked his arm back and punched me square in the chest, causing me to stumble backwards into the wall. He did not use his full strength, but even so I could practically feel the bruises setting in.
“Ow?” I held my chest, trying to rub some of the pain away as my assailant simply crossed his arms.
“I quit,” he suddenly said.
The only thing I could do was blink in confusion. “What? You quit?”
He decided to finally elaborate. “If being a part of your guard means that I am forced to obey an order like that, then I quit. You can find someone else who doesn’t care as much about your dumb ass.”
It was true that I put him on the spot, and I could see how that might create some sour feeling. With a resigned nod, I began my apology. “I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t fair, but I didn’t have many options if I wanted to keep you all safe.”
“You want to know what the problem with that logic is?” he asked. “That was supposed to be my job. I’m the muscle, I’m the guard, you’re supposed to hide behind me.”
I let out a small chuckle. “I guess it’s a good thing you quit then, because I don’t think I have it in me to use a friend as a meat shield, even though your thick skull could deflect arrows.”
My jab at him made him blink in surprise, but then he smirked. “Well, at least I’m not a suicidal nutcase that just can’t seem to die.”
That’s more like it. The interaction brought a smile to my face as normalcy returned to the group. “Jokes aside, I don’t think any of you are going to be part of my personal guard for much longer. With the closing of the war, I'm not going to be a part of the military anymore.”
Otar huffed with amusement. “Yeah, I'm pretty sure if you tried, someone would strangle you for it.”
Kala got that look on her face that just said, ‘you know it.’ After one more round of everyone welcoming me back, I started moving again. I wanted to see the city, or at least what was left of it so I could have a clear picture of the situation. To facilitate this, I lead my group to the top of the walls overlooking the city.
It was almost as bad as I thought it would be. There were more houses still standing than I had expected, but the devastation was still immeasurable. It looked like they had cleaned the streets at the very least, but it was only a fraction of the overall damage. What the goddess said about a mess was rather understated if I was being honest. I felt exhausted just looking at it, and I hadn’t even picked up a single piece of broken timber.
“What a mess. He was truly insane if he could do this to his own people.”
“It’s a shame we weren’t able to get to him sooner. Perhaps we could have stopped him before this happened,” Hargon said, somberly.
“Hey,” Kala chimed in, trying to pick up the mood. “We did everything that we could. Things might seem bleak right now, but don’t forget that we did it; we won. It will get better. We have the future ahead of us, and I think it looks pretty good when I consider it.”
Always the ray of sunshine. Her words did help to lighten everyone’s outlook on things. However, one part in particular stood out to me and would not leave my head. The future...
I looked at Kala and the way she smiled, so assured that things were looking up even amidst the rubble. The compulsion to act began to grow in me, and I squared my shoulders to her.
“Kala,” she turned at the sound of her name, giving me a quizzical look. “You once told me that you didn’t want to regret anything, and that you wished to share your life with me.”
She became slightly bashful as I brought up the start to that night with her. “Y-yeah, what about it?”
Reaching out, I took her hand, looking her dead in the eye. “I don’t want to regret anything either.”
With that I dropped down to one knee as the look of confusion and surprise multiplied on her features. Everyone else stared with their mouths slightly agape. I didn’t know if they recognized what I was doing, but I think they might have got a feeling.
“Kala, will you marry me?”