January 3rd, 1993

Dear friends,

Since writing this letter, some amazing things have happened. Before I dig into what you might have missed the last three days, I’ve been in the hospital for the past two weeks. Guess those old hateful men did a number on me as I was in a coma. The doctor told me when I came back that Kat and Miss Weathervane found me lying in the snow. I was completely out of it, foaming at my mouth and lying there surrounded by my blood. Miss Weathervane called an ambulance and Kat tried to stop the bleeding. But it didn’t work well and so by the time I got to the hospital; they weren't even sure I was going to make it. It's pretty scary to hear that, that I was on death's door and didn’t even know it.

All I remember is being in a fight, and then seeing Bernado before everything turned to an off-shade of white. Just before I knew it, I was awake, in a strange room with a beeping machine and some guys in lab coats started to surround me. They were hooking me up, and checking my vitals and luckily nothing was permanent.

The first few weeks in the hospital were rough, they didn’t let in anybody except Ole Miss Weathervane. She came to my bedside, asking me questions on how I feel which I answered to the best of my ability. I kinda figured out that everything I dreamt about Bernado was a dream, but Miss Weathervane told me that it was real, that nobody we lost disappears from our life.

I kinda like that. The idea that Bernado is still watching me.

When Miss Weathervane left, the doctors helped me work out a lot of things. They prescribed me some antidepressants and helped me through some of the heavy stuff I was dealing with. About Bernado. About my family. About being homeless. There are a lot of stages I found out, but they were great at helping me through them.

The thing that helped me the most though was when they let me have visitors come into my little room. Kat would bring board games and we would play until the doctors told her to leave so that I could get rest. Scoops dropped by much to the disgust of the security guard, cracking jokes and bringing homemade food. Double and Rebekah brought in books, and we sat on the floor, listening to her tell stories of knights and dragons. And this time, I didn’t shy away from them, they told me of the changes back at the complex, and that I could move in with Kat when I got out till, I found a place of my own. Things like that helped me a lot, it was a light at the end of the tunnel.

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And I learned a lot about myself too. The doctors told me that I should write a letter so that I could channel my feelings. To be honest, it has helped tremendously, reading my thoughts has opened up a new side of me.

One of the most important things I learned was we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for things out of our control. When Bernado left, I believe it was my fault you see, everything revolved around him. Maybe if we had caught the disease faster, he would still be alive. And maybe if he never took me on our first date, then Bernado would never have caught it. And maybe if I had died before I was born then he would have had a different life. But I'm glad that I have been born, I don’t know a life different from the one I'm in. I got to see my foster family happy, all circled me, laughing at jokes around my bedside. But that wasn’t the point.

Reminiscing didn’t change anything. It wasn’t going anywhere and nothing I did could change that. And it was hard, letting go of my hate towards the world but it was worth it in the end.

When I got released, Kat drove me to the crazy hill near the rehabilitation center. It was early afternoon when she asked me to close my eyes. By the time we made it up the hill, to that crazy war cannon, she told me to open them and to my surprise everyone was there, my entire foster family celebrating in one giant picnic. And later that night, we decided to rent out a movie in Kat's living room, all of us squeezed in like sardines around a tiny sofa, laughing while we ate dinner. That was the amazing part, seeing everyone happy and carefree. We were just together. And that was enough.

Afterward, when everyone had gone their separate ways, Kat took me to the side of the room to hand me a box. Inside, Bernado's jacket, neatly folded, lay tucked inside the little shoebox. She explained it was the last thing they had saved and that she was sorry for not being able to get anything else.

But I didn't care as I hugged her, tears gently falling both of our checks.

So, if this does end up being my last letter, please believe that in the end, all things are good. And to whoever reads this, know that despite everything, nobody is truly alone in the world.

It took me some time to learn but I believe the same about you.

Somedays you just have to let go to see how high you can fly.

Love Ryan