Initializing character creation. Select a method (I, II, III, IV, V, VI).

Green pixelated text floated in a formless void. Donna tried to feel for her body and failed. This was surreal. Had Julie slipped something extra in her Dragon's Milk? The only thing she could see was her lucky dice bag, floating in the formless void. And where was her purse? She never went anywhere without her purse. Donna focused on her purse.

There was a soft popping noise, and Donna's purse appeared. Then the green text flickered out, replaced by ominously glowing red text in a different font.

Are you cheating?

"No, no, I was just thinking I never go anywhere without my purse," Donna said. "It's not like I'm smuggling contraband or anything."

I will be the judge of that.

Items started floating out of the purse, starting with her backup Ziploc bag of almond cookies, her wallet, keys, coin purse, and cell phone, and then continuing to older items. Donna tried to wince as she realized how long it had been since she last cleaned out her purse, but lacked a face to wince with.

Negligible gold silver or copper content… paper… junk… ah, advanced technological devices. Absolutely not acceptable.

Light flared in the void as items began to vanish: Donna's cell phone, her pocketknife, a watch she hadn't seen for at least six months, a flashlight, a lithium battery pack, a Ziploc bag filled with chargers and cables, and a pair of road flares.

Whatever you just did, don't do it again.

Donna sighed. She had a bad feeling about this. I wish Frank were here, she thought to herself. Now I can't call him.

There was a ripple in the void. The red text faded away, replaced by pixelated green text that blinked impatiently.

Reinitializing character creation. Select a method (I, II, III, IV, V, VI).

Donna sighed, pieces of context falling into place. "Frank always used Method V when he ran a game. Can we use that?"

Method V selected. Your scores are 12, 11, 14, 7, 16, 17. Select which abilities to have which scores.

"Oh yeah," Donna said, attempting to smile without a physical mouth to smile with. "Three solid stats. I think that means it's bard time. Put 16 in Charisma, 17 in Dexterity, 14 in Intelligence, 12 in Strength, and… uh…" She hesitated. "Does 7 in Constitution give a hit point penalty? I can't remember."

A Constitution score of 7 has a hit point modifier of 0, a poison save adjustment of 0, a system shock check of 55%, and a resurrection survival chance of 60%.

"Yeah, and a Wisdom of 7 would mean forgetting all my hard-earned life lessons," Donna told the floating words. "I'm not interested in reenacting the follies of youth, even if I was lucky enough to have things work out well the first time around. So, let's put 7 in Constitution and try not to need to be resurrected. Half-elf for race, bard for class."

Select your… wait one moment, please.

There was a phantom sound of turning pages.

You meet the requirements for being a half-elf and a bard. Barely. Half-elves must have a Constitution score of at least 6.

Donna materialized just in time to stick her tongue out at the floating words before they vanished. "Don't try to teach your grandma to suck eggs. I know this game. Now, put my discretionary points in climb walls and detect noise."

You have twenty discretionary… fine. Rolling hit points (1d6)… you have 6 hit points. Do you know how lucky you are?

Donna tossed her lucky dice bag in her hand. "Yeah."

Core statistics:

STR

12

Class

Bard

Saves

Normal

DEX

17

Level

1

Death

13

CON

7

THAC0

20

Wand

14

INT

14

XP

0

Polymorph

12

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

WIS

11

Next level

1250

Breath Weapon

16

CHA

16

Max hp:

6

Spell

15

Special abilities:

Thieving abilities

Bard abilities

Other abilities

Pick Pockets

20%

Influence

Sleep / charm resistance

Detect Noise

35%

Inspire

Infravision

Climb Walls

60%

Countersong

Detect secret doors

Read Languages

5%

Knowledge

Status:

Hit points:

6

Armor class:

7

XP:

0/1250

You have (2d6x10) = 110 silver pennies of starting wealth. Optionally, allocate some of this to starting equipment. Are you cheating?

"No, of course not," Donna said quickly, tucking her lucky dice bag into her purse and slinging her purse over her shoulder. Not wanting to look suspicious, she continued by packing away the rest of the floating items back into her purse. "But sometimes the dice love me. Hm. Show me what I can buy with 110 silver pennies…"

Donna stared at the giant wall of floating green text. "Bards can use up to chain mail without penalty, but can't use shields, right?"

That is correct.

"Hm… can't really afford everything I'd like, though," Donna said, shaking her head. "I guess I really should get a small harp or something if I'm a bard. If I buy a chain hauberk, though that would mean I couldn't really afford any other big-ticket items."

A chain hauberk materialized around her and a harp roughly a foot tall appeared, floating in the void in front of her. Then there was a loud clinking noise as coins materialized in her purse. Wind began to circulate in the void as a feather appeared in Donna's hand.

Hit points:

6

Armor class:

2 XP:

0/1250

Starting equipment purchase complete. 30 silver pennies have been deposited in your belt pouch.

"Hey, wait," Donna said, grabbing the harp hastily with her free hand. "I wasn't done!"

The wind swirled harder around Donna, and suddenly she felt moisture as the void began to lighten. Then she could see fog, blocking out everything; then she broke into the air beneath the fog, and saw a mountain.

As Donna clutched the feather harder, drifting slowly downwards, blocking out the setting sun. Naturally, I would get dumped in the wilderness after hanging onto most of my starting cash, she thought to herself. Wait… is that a keep over there, higher up the mountain?

As she drifted downwards, she focused her new half-elven eyes on the figure standing watch on the ramparts of the keep. Gray skin; black leather armor; bright red cloak; halberd. Not human, clearly. Perhaps a hobgoblin? Then the trees blocked her view as she continued down into the shadow of the mountain. Voices sounded below her; short skinny red-skinned figures in ragged clothing carrying a wide assortment of weapons surrounded her landing site. Goblins, clearly enough. Two of the red-skinned goblins were already looking up at her, pointing as they talked.

Donna swallowed as the ground came closer; and then shook her head. As she landed, the feather disappeared. She brought her now-empty hand over to the strings of the harp, and her fingers moved with unfamiliar expertise as they plucked out a quick warm-up tune; she'd once taken guitar lessons for three weeks in college, but this was different.

"Hello," she said, idly tuning her harp with practiced muscle memory that seemed completely alien to her conscious memories. "How are you all doing?"

The goblins stared back at her. Half of them had clubs; a few held swords or spears instead. After a long uncertain moment, the tallest goblin shifted a flanged mace awkwardly in its grip. "Hello," it said to her. "Who you?"

Donna smiled. "It's very nice to meet you. What are you doing here tonight?"

"Patrol," the tall goblin said. "We patrol. Have orders."

"Oh. What are you looking for?" Donna said brightly.

"People from towns across river," the tall goblin said, squinting suspiciously. "Especially elves. Elves very bad. Dark ones drove us from good cave, and bright elves hunt goblins for sport and eat goblin babies. You are elf."

"Oh, no," Donna brushed a finger over a pointed ear as she thought quickly. "I am not an elf, really. Just half-blooded, but that's because an elf ravaged my mother. I assure you, I hate elves as much as you do. Anyway, who told you that bright elves eat goblin babies?" She leaned forward, adopting a conspiratorial expression. "That's something they try to keep secret, you know, I had to work really hard to find out about that."

The tall goblin stepped back, puzzled, looking her up and down. "Hobgoblin big boss said so. You bigger and fatter than elf," the goblin said, thoughtfully. "Ears only little bit pointed."

A short goblin elbowed the tall goblin. "And she tells elf secrets! No elf betrays elves like that."

"Oh, yeah, elves stick together," Donna said, gently re-inserting herself into the conversation. "So, you work for the hobgoblins in the keep? How much do they pay you?"

"Half meat we bring back from patrol," the tall goblin said. "Also, one bowl gruel, at end of patrol."

Donna's mind worked quickly. Goblins were nocturnal, and it was near sunset. "Oh dear. Have you poor things had breakfast?"

Several small ugly red-skinned faces frowned. The tall goblin shook his head. "Never get breakfast."

"That's terrible! They send you out on patrol without even a little breakfast? And they don't pay you any money? Why do you work for the hobgoblins?" Donna balanced the harp on her hip as she started rummaging in her purse.

"Hobgoblins strong," the tall goblin said. "Us weak. Dark elves take good cave, then dwarves take bad cave, kill smart leader. We lost. We alone. I not smart leader. Hobgoblin boss strong, has fort, has mine, take back caves soon and rule whole mountain."

Donna held out an almond cookie. "Here, have a cookie," she said to the tall goblin, pressing it into his hand. "It's not much, but nobody should have to patrol for a whole day without breakfast." As the tall goblin stared suspiciously at the cookie, she pulled out another one, handing it to the short goblin next to the tall goblin. "I think I have enough to give one to each of you."

The short goblin took a small bite. His eyes lit up, and he stuffed the whole cookie in his mouth, saying something that sounded excited and indistinct through a full mouth.

"Don't talk while you're chewing," Donna said reflexively, as she handed a cookie to a third goblin.

----------------------------------------

The smokey campfire had burned low and a brace of rabbits had been reduced to a chaotic mess of scattered bones by the time the full moon reached its zenith. Donna strummed her harp and sang, enjoying a vocal range that was considerably better than what she remembered from her brief abortive stint in her church's choir.

The goblins joined in less musically in the chorus. "… in that big rock candy mountain."

For a moment, there was silence; and then the tall goblin stood to his feet. "Must finish patrol," he said, sadly. "Boss hobgoblin mad if we come back late."

"It's a pity," Donna said, sighing heavily. "Well, if you have to go, you have to go. I was hoping I could hire some goblins to help me keep me safe while I hunt elves. I pay in silver. Maybe I'll have better luck down in the valley."

The tall goblin's eyes widened. "Other goblins not safe. Think you elf and kill you!"

The shortest goblin held up a hand, a canny look in his eyes. "How much are you paying?"

Donna counted goblins quickly. "I'll pay you one silver penny each now," she said, hoping that a silver penny was actually a considerable sum. "And then another silver penny for each hunt."

The short goblin whispered to the tall goblin. The tall goblin looked around at the other goblins nervously, then puffed out his chest. "We work for Donna. We hunt elves!"

The other goblins cheered. "We hunt elves!"

A branch snapped, and a deeper voice growled. "You morons! Kill the elf woman!"

Donna turned to look. The voice belonged to a towering figure, at least a foot taller than Donna. Yellow eyes sat in a goblinoid face with gray skin. The figure wore black leathers and a sharp-looking red cloak; it held a halberd with a gleaming head, the long sharp spike pointed in Donna's direction.