3. Linda's Landing_Old School: A Goblins & Grandmas LitRPG

As light engulfed her world, Linda maintained a tight grip on Angela's old rulebook. Slowly, all other sensations faded except for the smooth surface of the book's cover and the deep laughter from the statue. Then even that faded, and there was only the book. And then, in the new beginning, there was the word.

Welcome.

The word was floating, blood-red, softly pulsing, and in a style that looked strangely familiar.

Your will is strong. Your terms are acceptable.

"Who are you?" Linda asked. "Where am I?"

The words vanished, replaced by blinking pixelated green text.

Initializing character creation. Select a method (I, II, III, IV, V, VI).

Character creation. She was somehow playing the game? Linda tried to hold up Angela's well-loved rulebook in her hand, and then realized she had no body. The book opened nevertheless, flipping forward until she found the appropriate page. It didn't take long. "Uh… okay, not Method I, that's hardcore. Method II looks okay-"

Method II selected. Select a score for each ability.

Strength

13 or 12

Dexterity

8 or 11

Constitution

9 or 12

Intelligence

9 or 10

Wisdom

10 or 10

Charisma

13 or 10

"Hey! I wasn't done talking," Linda said. "And… wow, those are actually kind of bad rolls. Twelve throws without anything higher than 13?"

Select a score for each ability.

Linda sighed heavily. "Is there really a point between giving me 10 or 10 as a choice?"

Selecting score of 10 for Wisdom. Select scores for remaining abilities.

Linda shook her head. "Just give me the higher numbers on everything else."

Strength

Dexterity

Constitution

Intelligence

Wisdom

Charisma

Select your race.

"What are my choices? Just, like, the regular demihumans and such, or are there more options? Like, could I be a pony?" Linda raised an eyebrow.

Parsing match for "pony" … match failed. Loading optional races … parsing match for "pony" … centaur selected. Your Constitution has increased to 13, your Wisdom has increased to 11, and your Dexterity has decreased to 10. Select a class.

"I was just asking if I could be a pony, I didn't ask you to actually turn me into one!" Linda exclaimed as her new and quite strange body materialized. Well, part of it looked familiar, at least, but everything below the waist… Linda sighed heavily. "Okay, what classes can centaurs be?"

Fighter, ranger, druid, bard, or mage. Select a class.

"Oh. Neat. I'll be a druid, then," Linda said, looking down at a hoof. "Druids are awesome and can shapeshift." Being a horse-woman in a literal sense was an interesting novelty act, but she suspected it would grow old on her quite quickly.

You cannot be a druid. You do not meet the requirements for Wisdom (12) or Charisma (15). Select a different class.

"Uh, ranger?" Linda craned her neck, trying to look at her new equine rear end to finish assessing her new appearance.

You cannot be a ranger. You do not meet the requirements for Wisdom (14), Constitution (14), or Dexterity (13). Select a different class.

"What do I actually qualify for?" Linda tried to stamp her hooves in the formless void in frustration, but this proved to be a futile exercise as her hooves made no sound in said formless void. The rulebook turned slowly end over end, and she grabbed it, not wanting it to fly away.

Fighter or mage. Select a class.

Linda flipped over the rulebook in her hands, paging back and forth between the first few chapters. "Hm. Not going to be very good with spells with an intelligence of ten. So, fighter it is, then," Linda said.

Rolling fighter hit points of 1d10… adding centaur bonus of +4… you have 13 hit points. Character sheet finalized.

"Centaurs get bonus hit points?" Linda pumped her fist. "Okay, that's pretty sweet, I didn't know that."

Core statistics:

STR

Class

Fighter

Saves

Normal

DEX

Level

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Death

CON

THAC0

Wand

INT

Polymorph

WIS

Next level

2000

Breath Weapon

CHA

Max hp:

Spell

Special abilities:

Centaur abilities

Inhuman form

Natural weapons

Charge attack

Natural armor

Large size

Status:

Hit points:

13/13

XP:

0/2000

Armor class:

Starting wealth is (5d4)x10… 120 silver pennies. Optionally, allocate some of this to starting equipment.

"Wait, isn't it supposed to be gold pieces?" Linda flipped through the rulebook to a section closer to the middle. When she looked back up, the green text was gone, replaced by pulsing red text.

That was a transcription error. Not the only one.

"Oh," Linda said. "Can you tell me about the other errors?"

The red text ominously faded from view without an answer. After a long moment of darkness, it was replaced by the pixelated blinking green text.

Enter starting equipment purchase menu? (Y / N)

"Yes," Linda said, with a sense of mild trepidation that eased as she perused the listings. After determining that a centaur counted as a medium warhorse for the purpose of lance weight and a short juggling lesson that reinforced the fact that quivers are not an optional piece of equipment for a would-be longbowman (longbowwoman? longbowhorse?), Linda worked her way down to the "tack" part of the section.

It felt odd to buy horseshoes and saddlebags for herself, and when she got to the saddles, she hesitated. Should she buy a riding saddle or a pack saddle? She felt very strange about the idea of letting someone ride her like a horse. Well, at least, it would feel odd with a stranger, but Julie had been there when the world had vanished on her, and little Jacob was, too. (Not so little anymore, but a grandmother can be forgiven for clinging to memories several years past.)

Starting equipment purchase complete? (Y / N)

"Yes," Linda said, straightening the vest she'd picked out to match the riding saddle. Navigating the sub-menu for clothing style customization had been annoying. Whoever had designed the system had mainly been concerned with clothing on the most abstract of levels, sorted by quality and levels of functional protection.

A fluffy feather popped into existence in her hand, and the green text blinked out. A slow whistling sound grew as the green text faded, and Linda felt wind pulling her along in the darkened void. Then there was a flash of light. She could see blue sky! And ground! The ground was approaching, albeit with significantly less velocity than she expected as the feather rippled in her hand.

"And… touchdown!" Linda cheered her own four-point landing, holding the feather high as she touched all four hooves to the ground at once. "Wait. Where did the feather go?" She shook her head as she looked at her empty hand. Better not jump off of any cliffs, that was a one-time thing.

Unfortunately, nobody else was around to watch her graceful four-point landing. The sun was low in the sky and the air was warm – late afternoon, probably. Shading her eyes against the sun, she could see a dirt road to the west leading up to a rickety wooden bridge; on the other side of the bridge was a hill, with an ominous-looking dark hole in its side framed by slabs of stone. Adventure. To the east, she saw forest; to the north, though, she could see a windmill, and rectangular checkering that suggested fields. Civilization.

Linda looked back at the distant hill and snorted. "Can't trick me that easily," she said to nobody in particular. "I wasn't born yesterday and I know how this works. I'm going to town and catching up with everyone else."

Then she looked again. Her new centaur eyes were quite a bit sharper than her old eyes had been, she thought to herself as she noticed a person in a bright orange hooded cloak on the other side of the river. Could that be Jacob? Her mind flashed back to the orange hoodie Jacob had been wearing as she watched the figure touch down on two legs. Then the figure raised an arm, a bright piece of metal glinting in the distance, and started walking toward the cave.

"You idiot," Linda hissed, unholstering her lance and breaking into a trot.

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"Noah! Mason! Flank for me!" Ethan waved his short sword. "I need that sweet sneak attack damage!"

Mason and Noah nodded to each other, then broke into a run, one going to each side of the quartet of yellow humanoids before rushing back in. One stabbed Mason in the leg; another fell to Noah's two-handed sword.

"Ah! My leg!" Mason screamed, as another trio of short yellow humanoids jogged out of the cave mouth. "I think I'm down to one hit point or something!"

"Take a second wind, it'll be fine!" Ethan said, lunging forward with his short sword, the tip of his sword hitting the monster in the shoulder. "Gah! How'd he survive that? He's totally flanked, I should be dealing extra damage to him!" Ethan coughed, then looked down. There was a spear sticking through his side, pinning the bright orange cloak to his side.

Mason stopped screaming. There was no second wind.

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Linda slowed. One of the yellow-skinned goblins had just stood back up over the limp orange-cloaked form, and it was holding a severed head covered in blood. She felt her heart leap into her throat, and then a strange calm sensation overtook her as she slowed her charge. Away went the lance, and out came the bow. Thwip.

The goblin fell. Moments later, four goblins were headed in her direction.

Linda loosed another arrow, cursing as it missed, and then turned at an angle, trotting away. Thwip. Another miss, but she could be patient, she told herself as more goblins emerged from the cave. She had a longbow. They had short legs, and could not run her down.

She was almost out of arrows when the last three retreated back into the cave, seeking cover. Grimly, Linda started walking back toward the cave, her lungs heaving like bellows as she stowed her bow. Lance at the ready, she paused outside of the cave entrance. Too small for me to go in there safely, she thought to herself, then glanced at the limp orange-clad form. It took surprisingly little time to light a torch with flint and steel – her hands had moved as if familiar with the task of their own accord. Thirty years since I started a campfire the hard way, she thought to herself as she stared at the burning torch in her left hand. I never remember it being this easy.

She tossed an oil flask in the cave first, then another. Then, with a slightly regretful look, a bottle of brandy. The torch followed, and then she readied her lance. The first coughing goblin didn't realize what was going on until the lance emerged from his backside; the other two fought back before being trampled under her angry hooves. Then, bleeding from a wound on her equine underside, she looked at the aftermath of the battle; the bodies of the three adventurers, the smoke still pouring out of the cave entrance, and the bodies of the goblins.

None of the bodies looked like Jacob. The orange-cloaked adventurer was a halfling girl, her face completely unfamiliar to Linda. One of the other dead bodies looked vaguely familiar – some kid she'd seen in the store before everything went crazy, maybe. Since her face still looked much like her own, Linda hoped that meant that Jacob was still alive, wherever he was. There wasn't much cash on the goblins, but many of her arrows were salvageable. So was some of the equipment carried by the adventurers.

She was so very tired. She'd cleaned and wrapped the wound she'd taken from one of the last two goblins as best as she could, but it was still a painful cut across her underside. The battle had taken an hour, maybe more; every inch of her was sore, including numerous unfamiliar equine muscles, but she knew better than to set camp alone out in the wild, so she forced herself to walk slowly in the direction where she had seen the windmill. She needed a real bed. Or at least a stable.

Linda has defeated 27 goblins (405 XP). For defeating 27 hit dice of opponents, Linda has earned an additional 270 bonus warrior XP. For recovering 193 silver pennies of treasure from the goblins, Linda has earned 193 XP.

STR