Esar, age 14

23 Years Ago

The students went out to the big fountain plaza afterward for a celebration. Esar let himself be caught up in the crowd, let it carry him away from Kelsam. He was like a leaf caught in the current, carried along without aim or wish of his own.

He knew many of their faces by now, but he still didn't know how to act like one of them. He felt like an actor trying to play a role without a script. The warm evening air was full of voices, laughing, talking, even singing an irreverent song he'd never heard before. The fountains were lit up with colored lights in a gorgeous display, but no one seemed to be watching.

Esar's stomach rumbled, so he drifted over to one of the snack tables that had been set out. Everything was so bland. Even the sweets would have been greatly improved by the addition of cinnamon or cardamom. Just another reminder that he didn't belong here. Maybe he should leave. It wouldn't make a difference to anyone if he just went home.

But he didn't want to go home, either.

"Hey, Esar!" Trilane, another student in Meliand's circle, hailed him from the other side of the table. Her red hair made it easy to spot her in the twilight.

"Hey," he answered her halfheartedly. A couple others he knew were with her, but not Meliand or Kelsam. That was more of a relief than a disappointment.

"So what do you think, Esar? If they can make a new disruptor sword, we could make disruptor arrows, right?" Trilane asked.

"What?" Esar had been thrown into the conversation without warning, and needed a moment to catch up.

"I mean, they'd be way safer than a sword. You gotta get way up close to hit a construct with a sword. With a bow you can stand at a distance and just go—pew!" She mimed shooting an arrow to demonstrate.

"But what if you miss? What if you lose the arrow? Disruptors aren't simple—or cheap." No one knew how shisao was made any more, and there was no replacing it when it was gone. They couldn't run the risk of frittering it away on arrows.

"Meliand wouldn't miss," Trilane said.

"A construct's not just a target. Not even a moving target. It's trying to kill you."

"So it's a target that's trying to kill me."

Esar jumped. Meliand had spoken from behind him, and now she came around to stand beside him.

"I wasn't going to tell him, Trilane. I want to get in on my own merits, not because of who I know." Though she chided her friend, she seemed unable to stop grinning. And when she turned that grin on Esar, it frightened him. No, no, don't do this, please, he thought desperately.

"But I mean, all your dreams come true, and you tell them to people. So maybe my dreams can come true, too."

"You really did great out there," Esar said, taking a step backward.

Meliand shrugged and stepped closer. "Eh, I'm sure there's archers way better than me in Thaliron."

Esar shook his head. "You could hold your own with them," he said. She had him cornered. Trapped. Why had Trilane and the others drifted away? Kelsam had even joined them, too. Esar tried to follow them, but Meliand caught his arm.

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"Esar, I—I really think you're great, too," she began.

"Please don't." To his own ears, he felt like he was being strangled, which was also how he felt.

"Listen, I know I'm just a nobody and you're a Tresuan, but—"

"It's not that!" Esar liked Meliand. He could appreciate on some level that she was pretty, athletic, graceful, intelligent and kind-hearted, but . . . nothing. Nothing stirred, nothing sparked. He only wished there was a way to tell her that without hurting her feelings.

"If I were—I mean, if I liked girls, any girls, I would like you. But I'm not . . . interested, So, I'm sorry." Esar braced himself for her disappointment.

"Okay," Meliand said.

"Okay?" he repeated.

Meliand laughed. "It figures, right? I kind of knew it was a bad idea to ask you out. I just didn't realize why. But it's okay."

Esar found himself at a loss for words, but as usual, Meliand was more than capable of filling the silence.

"I am going to join the Ethereal Guard," she said, staring past Esar into the distance. "But I don't want it to be because of who I know. I'm going to earn it for myself."

"I know you will," Esar said quietly.

"Are you just saying that, or . . ."

"I'm saying it because I believe in you."

"Thanks, Esar. You're still my friend, and I'm always going to be your friend. I'll try not to make it weird, all right?"

"Yeah," Esar said as she left. She'd taken his refusal way better than he had expected, so why did he still feel so terrible?

"Hey, Esar?"

Kelsam's voice cut through the thoughts that were starting to darken his mind.

"Hey," Esar said, glancing up at him before looking down again.

"Looks like you're having fun," Kelsam said.

"Not really."

"I know."

"I figured you did."

A smile tugged at the corners of Kelsam's mouth, turning his look of concern into something much more engaging. "You still want to go see the ruins?"

Esar raised an eyebrow. "Now?"

"Why not?"

"Because it's dark?"

"You think it's dark here? This is nothing. You want to see what darkness really is, you've got to get away from the city."

Esar was pretty sure that he knew what darkness really was, but to be honest, if Kelsam had offered to take him to the bottom of the ocean, Esar would have jumped at the chance to go along.

"Let's go," he said.

Esar followed Kelsam back to the woods where they'd first met, but soon they struck off the official path onto what might have been a side trail, or maybe just a place where the undergrowth wasn't as dense.

"Where are you going?"

"You've got to go off the beaten path to get to the really interesting stuff. It's a bit of a hike, but it's worth it."

Esar's foot caught under a root and he stumbled, nearly falling on his face. He grabbed a sapling to regain his balance.

"Um, did you bring an incand?" he asked.

"It'll spoil your night vision," Kelsam said. "Once your eyes get used to the starlight you'll be fine."

"And you know the way?"

"Oh yeah. My sister and I used to go this way all the time."

Esar trusted him to show the way. Somehow, the roots never tripped Kelsam up, and he climbed over fallen logs with ease. Esar wasn't used to this sort of hiking. They were in the real wilderness now, beyond the quaint forest paths of Norana's garden. He had to place each step carefully, and feel his way between branches and roots.

His foot sank into a patch of mud and stuck there. He tried to wrench it out, and his foot came free, but the shoe remained.

"Damn it!" Esar hopped on his one remaining shoe and bumped into Kelsam. He hadn't realized just how close he was in the darkness.

"Careful," Kelsam laughed. He helped Esar balance while he retrieved his shoe. Esar put it on carefully, then wiped mud off his hands onto his trousers.

"Thanks," he said. Kelsam let him go once he was back on two feet. Warmth lingered where Kelsam’s hands had touched him.

"You know how to get home, too, right?" Esar asked.

Kelsam laughed again. "Nope. Sorry, we're lost forever."

"Great. I was hoping you'd say that." Sarcasm aside, being lost forever with Kelsam . . . sounded like just about the best thing he could imagine, actually.