Esar, Age 14

23 Years Ago

"So what were you and your mom doing out in the garden yesterday?" Meliand asked Esar first thing the next day at school. She didn't even say "hello."

"You heard about that, huh?" Just when he was starting to blend in at school, his mother had to go and make a scene for everyone to talk about.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"I wasn't looking for anything. I was just helping my mom."

And his mother sworn him to secrecy about what they had found: the symbic device that had been smuggled out of Bhadrat with its wielder, Lida.

It was in rough shape, cracked and rusted, and so fragile that it looked like it might crumble if touched. But the cabochon of black stone that powered it was as smooth and perfect as it had been the day it was buried, with threads of colored light in constant motion, swooping in and out of its depths. It was shisao, his mother explained, the same priceless material that disruptor swords were made of, and key to creating more weapons that would work against the constructs.

"Ugh, can't she leave him alone for just one day?"

Esar looked up from his musings as Meliand stalked off, bristling, to where Guennet had a boy cornered. His heart stopped.

It was the boy from the woods, the boy with the curly hair.

"I'm giving you a second chance. Think about it, Kelsam. You paid your way to be here. Charity cases like them are only going to hold you back."

"They're my friends," Kelsam replied.

"You changed your mind about healing. You might want to give some more thought to where you actually belong."

"Leave him alone," Meliand said, inserting herself between the two of them.

Guennet turned to face her. "This doesn't concern you."

"It's all right," Kelsam said, so softly that Esar didn't think either girl heard him.

"It concerns me every time you pick on my friends. You're not the boss of this school, Lady Guennet," Meliand said.

"You don't run this school, either. And your friends can decide for themselves who they want to talk to." She turned away and walked past Esar without saying anything, though she smirked as if at a private joke.

"You shouldn't let her push you around," Meliand said to Kelsam.

"I wasn't. I know—"

"Hey, you haven't met Esar yet, have you? Esar, remember how I said our friend Kelsam was on overnight duty at the hospital last week? Well, he's back. Kelsam, this is Esar."

Esar didn't remember her saying that, but Meliand said so many things that he couldn't possibly remember all of them. The name Kelsam hadn't meant anything to him then. Now it meant . . . him.

"Hey." Kelsam's cheeks colored slightly. "I . . . just turned in the paperwork. I'm out of the healing program."

"That's . . . good," Esar said, fixing his face in something he hoped was a friendly smile. Seeing Kelsam now, in the hallway, actually talking to him? It didn't feel real. Like meeting a stranger after he'd seen them in a dream.

"You already know each other?" Meliand asked.

"We met, once," Kelsam said casually, like it was no big deal. "I've got to take some forms to the greenhouse now, see you at lunch, all right?"

Lunch. He thought that lunchtime had been awkward before. Now it was agony. As usual, conversations started, and as usual, Esar was sitting on the outside of the tight-knit circle, trying to remember how normal people ate food. He wanted to join in more than ever, but he didn't know how. He spent a good ten minutes trying to think of something to say, and another ten trying to find the right time to say it.

Only when the lunch period was ending did he manage to blurt it out.

"Those ruins!"

"What?" Kelsam had already got up to put his plate away, but now he paused to look back at Esar.

"Those . . . ruins . . . in the forest. They were . . . pretty neat . . . right?"

Kelsam's eyes lit up. "Oh, yeah, there's lots of old Asprai stuff out there. I used to go all the time with my sister."

"I was thinking of going and checking them out," Esar said, both relieved and terrified by the positive reception. Since you, um, know about them, do you think you could show me? I mean, if you want to—if you're not too busy—"

"Actually, that sounds like fun," Kelsam said. Esar's heart soared— "What do you think, Meliand? Got any plans after school?" —and crashed.

"Mmm, I'm supposed to practice tonight," Meliand said. "But I don't feel like it. Yeah, I'll come exploring with you." Her voice was cheerful, but she gave Esar a strange look before they went their separate way for their afternoon classes.

***

Esar and Meliand met after school and waited for Kelsam to appear. He came running toward them a few minutes later.

"Sorry, guys, I'm going to have to go with you another time. They want me to work in the greenhouse tonight to get up to speed, since I'm switching mid-term."

Esar tried to smile, as if he hadn't just been crushed once again. "Okay."

"Have fun!" Meliand said brightly.

Esar watched Kelsam go, forgetting for a moment that Meliand was still standing right next to him.

"I guess you can go to your practice after all," he said.

She slumped her shoulders and made a face. "Ugh, no. I've practiced every day for the last month. I'm sick of it. I'd rather hang out with you. Let's go."

They set out together across the garden. It was a lovely afternoon, sunny, but not nearly as hot and humid as Thaliron this time of year. Tiny blue buds had appeared on every hedge that lined their path, and starlike yellow flowers on tall stalks bobbed in the breeze. What were those flowers called? Kelsam would probably know what they were called.

"What happened between you and Kelsam?"

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Esar's face got hot as he tried to figure out how to answer.

"He's been so down lately, I was getting worried about him. But then today, it's like he's back to normal—better than normal. And I know you had something to do with it."

It was almost worth missing out on an afternoon with Kelsam to hear that their encounter had been so helpful. Almost. But Esar chose his words carefully when he replied.

"I guess I gave him some advice? He was killing himself trying to become a healer. He thought he had to. I just . . . helped him see that he didn't."

"How did you know—oh, some kind of Tresuan thing?" Meliand asked.

Esar shrugged.

"You know, I never really gave any thought to how much work it must take to keep these gardens looking good," Meliand said. "I mean, it's just plants, but—well, have you ever tried to keep a plant alive?"

Esar shook his head.

"I have. My aunt sent me a hanging basket with some flowers. It only lasted about two weeks. Plants are picky. Gotta have water, but not too much water. And partial sunlight, is what she said. How can you have 'partial' sunlight? Either the sun is shining or it's not. You can't have half a sun."

"I think that she meant . . . in the shade some of the time?" Esar said.

Meliand laughed at herself. "Oh, right, that makes sense. Anyway, I bet Kels is going to be great at keeping plants alive. Thank you for helping him out."

Esar searched her words for hidden meanings. "You two are . . . close, aren't you?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah. We've been friends for a long time, Kels and me. Since we both started out here. But we're just friends. I mean, his sister told me to look out for him after she graduated. That practically makes me his big sister, doesn't it? I mean, technically, he's a couple months older than me, but I'm bigger, so I think it still counts."

That was a relief. Esar barely had time to say "okay" before she went on.

"He's a nice kid, but you can only take so much niceness before it starts to get boring. And if you always put up with crap, people are going to just keep feeding it to you. At some point you've got to stand up for yourself. Show some spunk."

Now Esar was mystified. Was this about Kelsam and Guennet? Something didn't make sense.

"Race you to that big tree!" Meliand took off at a run, and Esar followed, but his heart wasn't in it. She beat him without any trouble.

Normally, Esar didn't mind being the audience for one of Meliand's monologues, but as they rambled around the woodland ruins, her constant chatter wore on his nerves. His muscles hadn't completely recovered from yesterday's digging, and even on his best days he couldn't have kept up with her pace. She never ran out of breath, even as she went on and on about archery practice, and the upcoming tournament, and tangents that didn't seem to relate to anyone Esar knew or anything he cared about. Her cheerful voice wouldn't even let him sulk properly. He wished he were alone.

Meliand climbed to the top of a wall that Esar was sure would crumble beneath her. "So, you know Danthan Keir, right?"

Esar hadn't expected this question. "I guess so."

"I saw him when he came through Norana on the circuit, a couple years ago. Before he quit to start the Ethereal Guard. I used to think that there couldn't be anything better than that. Touring the circuit, I mean. All I could think about was making a big name for myself, making lots of money, you know?"

"I see," Esar said.

"But that's pretty selfish, isn't it? There I was, dreaming about being famous and rich while all my friends were getting ready to dedicate themselves to serving others. It probably sounds even worse to you. You've been famous your whole life and you hate it. And I still—I still want everyone to know my name. I want them to say, 'wow, Meliand Caidry. Have you seen her shoot? She's amazing!' And I was wondering, when Danthan Keir was starting out, did he feel like this?"

"I have no idea," Esar said. It wasn't something he'd ever discussed with his mother's paramour.

"See, people at the Sanctuary, they think that if you're here on charity, like me, you need to—to just shut up and Devote yourself, start healing or teaching and giving back what you've been given. It's not that I don't want to give back! I just think it would be a waste of my potential. I know I probably sound super full of myself, but I really think—I thought I had a shot to make it big."

"Well, if that's what you want, you should go for it. I don't think the world would be a better place if Danthan Keir had Devoted himself instead of going out on the circuit." Why did people who actually had a real choice as to what they would become have to agonize about it so much?

"Exactly!" Meliand hopped down from the wall and hugged Esar, then stepped back, blushing and grinning. "Thank you, Esar. I've made up my mind."

"What?" All Esar had done was mope and listen to her talk—certainly nothing worthy of her effusive thanks. Her gratitude didn't even make him feel better, because now guilt had gotten mixed in with his other emotions. Why did she look so pleased? He hadn't even wanted to come out here with her. Couldn't she see what a lousy friend he was?

"I'm not going to tell you what I decided." Meliand's voice took on a sing-song tone. "My mom says if you tell someone your dreams, they won't come true. So I'm going to keep it a secret. For now."

The way she was talking now, the way she was smiling . . . No, Esar had to be wrong. He had to be misinterpreting it. Surely he hadn't sent her any signals that he was interested in her as anything but a friend.

"I have to go home," he said.

Esar wanted to go back to his real home in Thaliron, far away from the confusion and messiness of this place. He just wanted to struggle with the usual, familiar problems: his powers, his mother, his loneliness. But the mess of emotions followed him into the guest house and back to his bedroom.

How had he screwed things up so badly? He didn't know, and he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know how to be a friend, or how to be in love, he was just faking it and he was doing everything all wrong. Even worse, he'd heard enough of his friends—but could he actually call them his friends—talking to know that this sort of thing was normal! Everyone else was dealing with this drama every single day, and they were all just fine! He was the only one who was so broken and helpless and pathetic that he couldn't handle it. He didn't belong here. He would never belong anywhere.

Things cooled down a little in the next week. Meliand was busy practicing for the provincial tournament, and Kelsam had to work in the gardens every day. Esar might have tried to contrive a way to run into him there, but his mother had a new project for him to work on, combing manuscripts for hints about the symbic device and shisao.

He threw himself into the work wholeheartedly. It was such a relief to have a challenge that engaged his brain without triggering any troublesome emotions.

***

The day of the tournament arrived, and it seemed like most of the population of Norana, Devoted or not, had shown up to see the student exhibition. The stadium in Norana wasn't as large as the one in Thaliron, but the same endowments that kept the school running and the gardens blooming had paid for a world-class coliseum. Everything looked brand new, from the bright paint on the wooden benches to the sweeping arches that separated the seating area from the concourses. A ring of lights set into the roof of the arena would ensure that the games could continue even after the sunlight was gone.

Notably absent, however, was Esar's mother. So instead of being escorted with her to an isolated box, Esar filed into the stands with the other students, and even had the good fortune to take a seat next to Kelsam. Also absent was Meliand, who was with the other athletes, waiting for her turn to compete. Even amid all the noise it seemed oddly quiet without her around.

A vendor came down the aisle selling shaved ice, and Esar offered to buy one for Kelsam.

"Thanks, but you don't have to. I can buy one for myself," Kelsam said.

Esar winced. The offer had obviously made Kelsam uncomfortable, and seeing that took much of the sweetness out of the syrupy treat.

Students of all ages and skill levels took to the field to perform acrobatics and martial arts routines. Esar soon lost interest. He tried to watch Kelsam without making it obvious that he was watching Kelsam, peeking out of the corner of his eye, his sweaty hands melting the flavored ice in its paper cup.

The sun went down and the lights came on, shining down on the next event, which turned out to be sparring matches. That was odd. Usually those dramatic mock-battles were saved for the grand finale of a tournament, but there had been no display of archery yet.

When the sparring was over and the archery began, Esar understood why. All of the other athletes had been amateurs. Some were quite good, others excruciating to watch, and the amount of applause they received seemed to have as much to do with popularity as skill. None of them came anywhere close to the sort of athleticism that he was used to seeing in the New Year's Games.

The archers were different. They didn't just stand still and shoot at targets, they ran through an obstacle course that required them to shoot moving targets through swinging weights, or while balancing on a beam. Not all the students performed flawlessly, but it was apparent that in Norana, archery was taken very seriously.

And Meliand made them all look like bumbling amateurs.

She took the field last—Esar had been a bit worried when she hadn't shown up with the others—and performed a routine that would have made top tier swordplayers sweat. Her movements were quick and precise, as she dodged moving obstacles and leaped over pitfalls, and her aim was always true. She made it look easy, the way Danthan had at the New Year's Games a few years before.

But her performance wasn't good enough to distract Esar from Kelsam entirely. And when he looked at Kelsam's face, what he saw there destroyed any joy he'd felt in watching Meliand's routine. The boy with the curly hair was spellbound. He leaned forward in his seat, rapt, as if nothing else in the world existed but the girl shooting arrows on the field below.

It wasn't mere platonic admiration, Esar was sure of that. Kelsam was in love with her.